Thursday, June 14, 2012

Clear and Bright: Chapter Twenty Nine: Real



"You going to draw something?" Loring asks when I come back into the living room.

"No."

"Then what's that?" He gestures to the sketchbook in my hand.

"Nothing," I answer, laying the open book on the table next to the door.

I want it to be the first thing Jaimin sees when he comes back.

"What are you up to, Claire?"

"Me? Nothing at all." I sit down beside him on the couch and hug a pillow to my chest. "I've been imprisoned, remember?"

"If you don't want to be here, just say the word."

"Want to take me to lunch?"

"I would happily take you to lunch, as long as it's not Jouissance you ask me to take you to."

"Why are you on his side?"

"I'm not on his side, honey, I'm on yours. Always. I just happen to agree with the decision he made this time. And I really do believe he means it to protect you. And I think you know that, underneath the way you're letting it hurt you."

"I'm not letting it hurt me. He is."

"Sometimes we're faced with tough choices, Claire. None of them are good... or perfect... and all we can do is make the best one we can. And hope the people we love understand."

"Is your mother still not talking to you?"

"I believe we were talking about you."

"But I'm not so selfish that we can't change the subject and talk about you. I don't like being the center of attention, remember?"

"You like being the center of his."

"But I'm not. They are."

"For a few minutes, Claire. So that he can tell them that they're not. And come on, honey, I think you know they never were.  Not for more than a few meaningless minutes at a time."

"Minutes? Hmpf!"

"I really don't want to know about the man's stamina. But I'm glad it hasn't killed you. The newspaper wasn't the only reason I showed up here. Gennie and I were worried about you. He's had you hidden from the world since you got out of the hospital."

"Gennie?" I ask, raising a brow and fighting a smile. Or not fighting it.

"Well, Genevieve. And yeah, ummm... "

"Ummm... ?"

"Don't look at me like that."

"Look at you like what?"

"Like you want to help us choose baby names or something."

"You would be a really great dad."

"Slow down, pretty one, we don't all move at your speed."

"You know I never have before. And I'm not pregnant. That's not why we're getting married. If that's what you think."

"I never even considered it."

"Good. And?"

"And what?"

"Tell me! Unless you'd rather talk about your mother first?"

"I don't have a mother, Claire. Not anymore. According to her. And no, I don't want to talk about that. And I don't kiss and tell. So, we should get back to you."

"I'm sorry. That's... "

"What it is. And don't be sorry. If I'd have made better choices in the beginning, things might be different. And you wouldn't have gotten hurt and been put through hell. I'm the one who's sorry, and who always will be. And that's my cross to bear."

"You shouldn't have to bear anything. You made the choices you thought were best at the time. Or that you could make. You loved him. He took advantage of that. And in the end, he made your choice for you. She can't blame you for that. And I never will for the ones you made first. Ever."

"That's because you're a forgiving and understanding person. And you should remember how much you are when Jaimin comes home."

"He should have let me go, Loring, not left me here wondering. And-"

"You shouldn't marry him if you don't trust him, Claire."

"I didn't say I didn't trust him."

"You didn't say you did, either."

"Well, I do. He doesn't want them. He wants me. I don't have any doubts about that."

"Then what do you have doubts about?"

"Nothing. I didn't mean it that way."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. More sure than I've ever been about anything."

"But you said he shouldn't have left you here wondering. What are you wondering about?"

"I don't know."

"Don't you?"

"No. Yes. Nothing. Just... "

"Just?"

"I just want to see. Is that so hard to understand?"

"You're jealous."

"I am not!"

"There's nothing wrong with that, Claire. It's natural. We all feel it sometimes."

"I am not jealous! Certainly not of a bunch of stupid whores! As if! Have you seen me?"

"Yes, pretty one, I've seen you. Though maybe never this arrogant."

"I'm not arrogant. And I'm not jealous."

"So, what are you?"

"All dressed down with no place to go."

"Well, I can fix that. Just get your coat and tell me where you want to go."

"Okay... I want to show you my new building."

"You mean the one he bought you, that's right across the street from his?"

"Well, technically, yes, but I don't see what its location has to do with anything. It's mine, and I'm excited, I want to show it to you. My friend, that I want to be excited for me, too."

"And I would love to see it, but unfortunately for you, I do see what its location has to do with. And it's a good thing you're so pretty, because you're not that clever."

"You're mean."

"I'm pretty sure I'm a teddy bear compared to your fiance."

"You'd be surprised," I say, gazing wistfully at the ring on my finger, "He's much sweeter than you think he is."

"I'm glad to hear that. And I might even believe it, considering I think his making you stay here is just him trying to keep something that isn't away from you."

"They're definitely not," I frown.

"And not worth your time, I'd say."

"No, they're not. Or his."

"No... but I'd be willing to bet he's making that pretty clear to them as we speak. Don't you think?"

"Yes. I know he is."

"Without seeing it."

"Yes, but-"

"You asked me once to show him some respect. And to trust you that he was a good man for you. Do you remember that?"

"Yes. Your point?"

"Well, I've tried to do that, by looking past the obvious, and less than ideal, and seeing other things. Because I know it's important to you. And I know that he is."

"Thank you. He is. And?"

"And... it seems to me that you want to see something so badly that maybe you've forgotten what you already have seen. And what you know."

"No I haven't... I just don't want to be on the outside. Or be locked in if he is."

"But isn't the place he's locked you in where you most want to be? You're a private person, Claire. I blew up when I saw your engagement announcement because I thought he didn't respect that. You assured me that he does. And I think just maybe... he respects it even more than you realize. And you."



                                                                       ~



Jaimin left me to go close the door on his past. But he didn't leave me alone. And I didn't go running after him. And my silly brain didn't go running anywhere. It stayed with me, like Loring did. So it wouldn't. And so I couldn't.

And then we didn't...

Stay.

We went out and got some fresh air. And some hot chocolate. And did a little Christmas shopping. Until he couldn't stand it anymore. The shopping. And my drilling him about Genevieve. And he dragged me into the Cinema for a silent matinee. To shut me up. And give me something besides him to distract my brain with. And my mouth... that I stuffed with popcorn with extra butter. That ended up being lunch because he got an important call about a case.

That was just a few minutes ago.

"Stop apologizing," I huff, taking my bags from his hand. "Jaimin's truck is right there. He's home. And I promise you he'll feed me. Now, go."

"I can take you in first."

"You don't have to. Go bust open your case." I start to walk away, but turn back around and give him a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. "Thank you. You have no idea how much you did for me today. For us."

"I want you to be happy, Claire. And not get in your own way of that. Are you sure I don't need to take you in there? He told me to stay with you, but-"

"That's because he likes you. And he trusts you with me - even if he'll never actually admit either to you. Like you wouldn't to him. So, no. You don't need to take me in there. There's nothing waiting for me in there that I can't handle."

"You're sure?"

I look up at the sky, and the snow that has started to fall from it, and smile. "Positive."

"Okay." He yanks down playfully on the ear flaps of my given-to-me-by-him hat and laughs. "See you later, pretty one."

I'm almost to the door when he calls out, "And Claire... " I turn around and he smiles at me. "Congratulations, sweetheart."



                                                                     ~



I'm still smiling as I turn my key and open our door.

And then I'm not.

Because it's ripped from my face.

Because what I find inside is not what I expected.

Never could have imagined I would...

Because what I find inside...

Is me.

Covering the walls again.

But different...

Not the way I first saw.

Not Jaimin's way...

Alex's way.

The progression of loss.

Darkness.

And destruction.

Of a dream.

And a man.

And his heart.

And mine.

The final image is slashed.

The black shredded.

Hanging in tatters.

And sitting...

Much the same.

Jaimin is in the chair.

A knife in one hand, a bottle in the other.

Staring at me.

His me.

Not the one on the walls.

That he looked away from when I came in.

To look at me.

Me.

Who just walked into the middle of a battering storm.

That I never saw coming.

But that's here.

And that I want him to know I won't turn and run from.

No matter what brought it here.

His eyes don't leave me as I drop my bags on the floor.

And pull the hat from my head.

Still don't as I unzip my coat and put it on the chair.

And then pull off my boots and walk towards him.

Ready but not sure for what.

"I don't understand," I tell him.

Because I don't.

"Neither do I," he says, his voice anguished and beaten.

My steps slow.

Nearly stop.

I feel heavy.

Like the weight of the world is pushing down on me.

And him.

Suffocating me.

Sucking the air from my lungs.

And the stupid, irrational words from my mouth.

"Did something happen? Did you do something?"

He laughs, but there's not an ounce of humor in it. "You mean someone, Claire?"

It is what I meant.

Even though I didn't.

I know better...

So much better than that.

And I hate my mouth for saying the words.

And making the storm rage harder.

"No. I'm sorry I asked you that... "

"So am I."

"I didn't mean it."

"But you'd still like an answer, wouldn't you?"

"No. I wouldn't. I don't need one. Not to that... but this... " I gesture to the images of my painted face as I fight my heavy legs and walk to stand in front of them, knowing he may not follow, but hoping. And needing to know what I did before the stupid thing I just said. "Why, Jaimin? What did I do to bring her back?"

And he does follow. Lets go of that stupid thing. For now. "You turned your back, Claire. On me. Turned and walked away from me without a glance behind you. And you closed your mouth. That damn mouth of yours...

"You destroy me with that mouth. Every day...

"But taking it away from me... "

"I didn't take it away from you. I-"

My words get lost inside of me and my back hits the wall as he slams the bottle down on the table beside him and flies from the chair and storms towards me - with the knife still in his right hand.

And with hatred in his eyes.

Hatred I've never seen before.

For me.

"Oh yes you did... You took it all! You need to see, Claire... but you're not the only one here with needs. I have them, too. I need to hear! You know that...

"You know it, and you kept it from me. Your sound. Your words... that I needed. Even if they weren't the ones I gave you coming back to me. Even if they were wrong. Or cruel. Even if they would have made me angry. I'm so fucking angry at you...

"And even if they would have hurt me... like they just did...

"I needed to hear the sound of them! Of you! It's the only way I know you're real!"

I'm motionless as he reaches up with his left hand to stroke my face.

Paralyzed by his admission as his fingers seek the solidity of me.

And tethered by his pain as he raises the knife and puts the tip of it to my lips.

Something that should scare the hell out of me.

But that doesn't.

I know I should be afraid...

But I'm not. He won't hurt me.

Not physically.

"I hate your mouth," he breathes, his voice low and thick with brutal truth, the blade cold and hard with it.

"I'm sorry," I whisper against it, tears streaming down my face, my brain working frantically to understand how this day changed so drastically in just a few short hours. And how I can change it back.

This is about more than the I love you I didn't say.

And the stupid words I did.

It has to be.

"Did you call me?" I ask him, trying to put the pieces together.

He seems mesmerized by my mouth...

And his hatred for it...

And his love...

And only nods, his eyes not leaving it. Or the cold tip of the blade that he traces the shape of it with.

But even though he does, I don't keep it still. Or silent.

I can't.

"It's off," I say, "My phone... I didn't... it wasn't intentional. I mean... I did turn it off, but I wasn't keeping the sound from you. Or anything. Not after you left. I just didn't realize that you... I didn't think.

"And I'm sorry for that. And for when I did keep it from you. Before...

"I'm sorry that I made you hate it... when all I want is for you to love it. And me."

"You know I love you, Claire." His voice is far away, even though he's right in front of me.

And I know I need to bring him closer. Bring him back from that place. For both of us. "I do. And you know I'm real. You couldn't hate me if I wasn't."

"I don't hate you... "

Closer, baby... "I know."

"I could never hate you."

Closer... "I know. Not all of me."

"Not any. I... Oh God... "

There you are.

He drops the knife to the floor as if he's just realized he held it.

And looks at me with horror.

And starts to back up.

Away.

But I won't let him.

I won't let him lock me in again.

Or out.

Or himself.

"No," I tell him, grabbing his shirt and pulling him to me. "We handle things together from now on."

"But I-"

"It's okay."

"Claire. It's not. My god... it's not okay... "

He's fighting me. Trying to pull himself from my grasp. Push me away... but now that I have him here, back... I'm not letting him go that easily. And I know that he doesn't really want me to... I can feel it in the way he's letting me hold on.

"Yes it is. And it will be. Everything will be. And we will. Always, Jaimin. You and me. The beautiful fucked up mess that we are...

"The real. And the imperfect. It's all okay. Because we love each other. Even when we hate. And we need each other. Even though we've never needed anyone. We need. It's why we hurt each other... even though it's the last thing we'd ever want to do.

"I love you. And I'm sorry I didn't tell you that. And I'm sorry for the silence I gave you after, even though I didn't know I did, or mean to. I'm sorry for every way I've ever hurt you with my stupid mouth. And without it. But I know you'd never hurt me. And that you didn't. And so do you. So, please... hear me. And let it be okay. Let it go, Jaimin. It and not me. Because I am real. And I'm right here. And I have a mouth that I need to make you love again."

"I'm so sorry, Claire... I-" The pain of it chokes him, and tears of regret fall from his eyes, but he's stopped trying to pull away.

And lets me pull him even closer.

And put his hands on my face.

And hold them there.

And show him that I'm not afraid of them.

Or of him.

As long as he's here.

And as long as he can hear me.

"Show me that you know I'm real, Jaimin. And that you still want me to be."

I let go of his hands on my face and he moves them instantly.

Touches his fingers to my lips and then drops them to the button of my jeans.

Has them off of me in seconds and then moves to his own.

While I watch.

See him fight to let go.

Because he heard me.

The love and the trust and the need.

The sound of all of them.

That are all him.

And all desperate as he attacks my mouth with his.

Slams me into the wall behind me as he slams himself into me.

The storm raging harder than ever.

Thrashing me.

And the dream he doesn't need.

The dream that falls one vision at a time to the floor around us...

Driven away by the force of him.

Because he has his real.

It clings to him.

Holds on to him.

Me...

To my real.

I let him feel me.

Batter and pound and punish me.

And hear me.

My cries as he slams me into the wall again and again.

Cries of pleasure, not pain.

Of joy, not loss.

And need...

Filled.

And new created.

There's one painting left hanging on the wall.

The first one.

The clearest.

And I need it down.

Need to know I've taken him back from her.

Need her to know he's not hers to haunt.

And to hurt.

And reach out desperately with my right hand...

That can't reach.

And tries to find purchase on the wall instead.

Tries to grip...

And pull...

"Please... " I cry, "I want her gone!"

His next thrust takes me closer.

And the next.

And the next.

Until finally I can reach.

And rip her from the wall.

The movement violent.

Like his.

In me.

And the rip that tears through my heart.

As my hand finds what I left to rip his.

The thick paper.

With the wounded and broken bird.

That he hung behind the first image of his dream.

The wounded and broken me I wanted to hurt him with...

Before I didn't.

I forgot to put it away before we left.

Didn't notice it as we went through the door.

Our door that he opened and did.

After I gave him silence.

Took my sound away from him.

And myself.

I understand now...

What took him there.

And what brought us here.

And her back.

The thing that I did...

I told him he broke me.

Without any words.

And left it for him to find...

By the door - our door - that he didn't find real behind.



1 comment:

  1. Um...wow. I'm kind of at a loss for word's here. That was intense to say the least. I assumed it was a blank page she left him,not the broken bird. I can see where he might have taken it as her leaving him,but he didn't have to go all postal on the painting to prove a point. I can't believe she wasn't terrified by the knife personally. She's got balls!! I'm super jealous of their make-up sex,that was so fucking hot!!!!! Waiting for the next chapter is going to be hell!

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