Clear and Bright: Chapter Twenty: Milk

                                         
                                       
"There's my beautiful eyes. I thought you'd never open them."

"Mmmm. Hi. Why do you look like you haven't closed yours?"

"I had more important things to do."

"What was that?"

"Watch you."

"I'm not going to disappear, Jaimin. It's over. You need to sleep."

His face contorts with pain at my careless words. "Claire, please... "

Oh, my love...  "I didn't mean to... I know how you must have felt... I'm sorry."

"I don't want to think about that right now. You're here, and that's all that matters. How do you feel?"

His eyes are so full of concern as he looks into mine, like he's looking for something that he can't find. What doesn't he see?

"Ummm... well, my head isn't pounding quite as hard."

"I'm glad, sweetheart. You have a nasty bump, and a concussion. It might take a little time."

"My foot feels strange."  I pull it from under the blanket to look at it. It's wrapped in a bandage.

"It might be the stitches that feel strange to you. The wound was deep, but the doctor doesn't believe there's any permanent damage. Of course, he's waiting to hear how it feels to you. You were pretty incoherent the whole time he was with you. Do you remember any of that?"

"Little bits, maybe. I was just so tired... and knowing you were here... and I was safe... I didn't fight it. Even though I missed your face. Your scruffy face."

"Sorry this is the face that you woke up to. I think I should let someone know you're awake... "

"Not yet... and I'm not. I want to wake up to that face every day, forever. Three day scruff or not. Besides... I think it's sexy."

"Are you sure about that?"

"That it's sexy? Definitely."

"No... the other part."

So vulnerable. "It's the only thing in my life that I'm sure of. You're the only thing that isn't a question. My arrogant bastard should know that. And that I missed him, very, very, very much."

He shakes his head, raking his fingers through his hair, "I'm not feeling very arrogant right now. I failed you, Claire."

"No you didn't. You found me. Just like I knew you would."

"I missed you more than you will ever know. Every minute you were gone was unbearable torture. Finding you took much too long... and I didn't do it alone. I had help."

"Is that why you were all wet?"

"I borrowed your rain."

"You know what that means, don't you?"

"No, what does it mean?"

"If it helped lead you to me... you're in."

"You think they approve."

I smile sweetly and nod my head.

"I think I should find the doctor... the concussion must be worse than he thought."

"Stick to the kitchen, scruffy, comedy's not your thing."

"Are you hungry?"

"Yes, but the only thing I want in my mouth right now is a toothbrush."

"You definitely have a concussion."

"Okay, that one was a little funny. But don't you worry, I'll be back to normal before you know it. Be ready."

"You're adorable."

"Adorable wants to brush her teeth."

"Okay." He reaches down next to the bed and pulls up a small shopping bag. "I asked my mom to pick up a few things for us... "

"She was here?"

"Yes. They both were. And the Bouchards. And Emilie. And Loring has been in and out. They're all very worried about you."

"The Bouchards?"

"Yes. They love you, Claire."

"I know that, but... "

"They love you. There's no but."

"How do I face them now?"

"I assure you, sweetheart, they're worried about facing you."

"I don't blame them for anything."

"I'm sure they know that."

"How's Loring?"

"He's worried about you."

"Did he tell you what happened?"

"Yes."

"Did he... ? Was he the one... ?"

"Yes."

"Oh God... He must be... "

"He's fine, Claire. He really is. He'll be back to see you. Everything will be okay. I don't want you to worry about anything now."

"And you're okay with that? Him coming back to see me?"

"I'm not jealous, if that's what you're asking."

"Good."

"His feelings towards you are innocent. I don't question that."

"Thank you."

"You don't have to thank me. I know what I see, and it's just one more person that genuinely cares about you. And didn't like your stunt any more than I did."

"I think I feel ganged up on."

"I think you should  pick a toothbrush."

"The pink one. Unless you had your heart set on it?"

"The only pink my heart, or any other part of me, is set on is your little shorts. Wait... that's not true... and your luscious lips, and... uhhh... nevermind. Now, let's sit you up and then I'll get you some water and a cup."

I giggle, but let him off the hook. Mostly. "Where are they?"

"In a safe place," he smirks.

"Will I ever get them back?"

"Definitely. And may God have mercy on you when you do... "

"As long as you don't."

"Such a brave girl."

"I am."

"I know. And for your sake, believe me when I say that you don't want to discuss that right now. Your little tantrum could have gotten you killed."

Oh... well it did work out... "Okay."

He shakes his head and sighs, and reaches for the controls to adjust the bed. "Ready?"

"Ready."

He raises the bed slowly until I'm upright. It makes me only slightly dizzy.

"Is it too much for you?"

"No, I'm okay."

"I'll be right back. I'm just going into the bathroom to get you some water."

"I want to go."

"No, sweetheart, you're going to have to spit in a cup this time."

"I need to go."

"No, you... Oh. Okay... then I'll take you."

"No way. I can do it by myself."

"I don't want you to fall."

"I won't."

"You can't walk on that foot."

"I know. I'll hop."

"NO HOPPING."

"Fine. You can take me there, and bring me back, but what I do in there, I do alone."

"We'll see."

I glower at him as I try to stand, but unfortunately, as soon as I do, I teeter sideways. He doesn't say anything as he picks me up, and carries me quietly to the bathroom.

"Go ahead. I know you're dying to smirk at me or something."

"No, sweetheart. I want you to need me, but not because I let you get hurt. A smirk is the last thing you'd see on my face right now."

Let me get hurt? "You didn't let me get hurt. Don't say that. None of this is your fault. I know a little about what happened outside. You were protecting me. You couldn't have known it was coming at us from all sides. You didn't do anything wrong. I don't ever want to hear that again. Now, put me down and get out."

He sets me carefully on my good foot, right where I need to be, and tries to help me.

"Out!"

"Claire... "

"Please, Jaimin... I promise I can do this part. Please go."

"If you fall... "

"It will be my own stubborn fault. You can punish me."

"I'm not going to do that, Claire."

"Ever?"

"I'm not going to make any promises I can't keep. I'll be right outside the door."

He laughs at my pout and makes sure I'm steady before he lets go and steps out. I manage to take care of business without incident and am ready to stand up. I discover immediately that one foot and a spinning floor don't make the best companions.

Come on, Claire, you can do this. You sat down, you can stand back up. Stop being so pathetic! I try again and just manage not to crash headfirst into the wall in front of me. Damn it, if I could just put weight on my other foot.... maybe...  "Ow!"

"Claire!"

"No! No, please! I'm okay! Please don't open the door!"

"I'm coming in... "

"No! Wait... please, just wait. Just one minute... please."

You can't do it. You need his help.

I'm painfully aware of that, thank you very much, but I'd like to maintain some dignity, and not have my panties around my knees!

Good luck with that.

"Claire... I'm opening the door."

I try hurriedly to pull them up in my impossible position, a little too hurriedly, and topple sideways just as the door opens. He catches me just before my head hits the base of the sink. Please, God, kill me now. I bury my face abashedly in my hands and wait for my prayer to be answered.

"Don't hide."

"I want to die."

"Stop that. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. You have a bad concussion, sweetheart, and can only stand on one foot. You're unsteady, and I shouldn't have let you try by yourself. It's my fault. I'm sorry. The only thing you should be is mad at me, not embarrassed. Now, can I see your beautiful face?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I fell off the toilet with my panties down and you saw!"

"The only thing I saw is the woman I love almost get hurt. The only thing that matters is that she didn't. And now I would like to see her beautiful face when I tell her how very much I love her."

"No."

"Please, Claire? I went far too long without seeing it."

I peek at him through my fingers. "You don't play fair."

"I know."

"I'm too humiliated."

"You shouldn't be. Not with me. Not ever."

"They're still down."

"Okay. I can fix that." He manages somehow, with no help from me, who's still hiding childishly behind my hands, to re-position me in his arms and pull them up and in place. "Voila. Next problem?"

"Ummm... your memory."

"Hmmm... that's a tough one, because I don't want to forget a single second that I've spent with you. But I think if you let me see your face, that other picture will fall from my mind forever."

"Liar. Ten years from now you'll be telling people we barely know, laughing at my expense."

"Never. The only thing I'll be telling anyone is how lucky I am that I have the most amazing woman in the universe to love. That she's the closest thing to perfect that could ever exist. But that sometimes she lets her silly brain run away from her and I have to chase it down and bring it back to us. And that she's worth it."

I drop my hands from my face and stare at him in wonder, my humiliation forgotten, washed away by his words.

"There's my face. That's much better. Thank you. Now, would you like to wash your hands before I take you out of here?"

"Yes, and my face, and brush my teeth. Because when you tell me how very much you love me, I'm going to kiss you with my luscious lips."

"Did I mention how lucky I am?"

I smile as he leans me down so I can reach the sink and wash my hands. "We need the bag. We left it on the bed."

"You're going to do the rest of what you want from the bed."

I quickly throw water on my face, or try to, getting us both wet in my failed attempt at coordination and trying to get my way.

"Faucet off, messy girl. You can finish from your bed, like I told you."

"You always send me to bed dripping wet, without having gotten my way," I pout.

He laughs as he carries me out of the bathroom and sets me gently on the bed. He goes back to get a towel and I hurry to pull the cleanser out of the bag and slather it on my face.

He laughs again as he comes back. "I knew you were going to do that. That's why I brought this." He lays the towel on the bed and pulls a hot washcloth from his closed fist, and begins to tenderly wipe it over my face.

"That won't be enough. I got too much... "

"Then I guess I'll get some exercise running back and forth to rinse it out. But you're staying put."



We get through my tidying up and he quickly does his own -shaving not included, per my request- and I'm just about to demand his promised declaration of love, anxious for my kiss, when the doctor shows up to spoil my fun. I give him an honest, yet slightly edited, account of my teetering existence since I woke up, and he firmly tells me to stay in bed. Jaimin couldn't be happier, having his own words backed up by the doc, but my examination seems to have left him more worried than before. I was more than a little surprised when he even stepped out with the doctor and left me alone.

Food arrived next. Well, I'm sure it was meant to be food, or to resemble it, anyway... It was promptly and rudely sent away. God bless my arrogant chef... but now what? "I really didn't want to eat that, but I'm hungry."

"I know, I'm going to take care of that right now." He picks his phone up from the little nightstand near the bed.

"Jouissance doesn't deliver. Besides, although I'm sure you've trained them to be very competent, I only want it if you cooked it."

"Your loyalty is much appreciated, sweetheart, and you certainly deserve the best, but I'm not going to leave you. Second best will have to do."

His call connects and I smile at his pride in second best. "Hi, Dad.  ... Everything's good... Yes, she's awake, already being a brat, and hungry. ... I sent that crap they tried to give her away... Thank you. ... Something light, I think. ... but hurry... She's impossible when she's made to wait for anything. ... Yeah, now is not the time for her to be stomping her feet."

I stick my tongue out at him and he laughs and disconnects the call.

"I can't believe you just called your father to bring me food. I'm sure he's busy... "

"They were just waiting for you to wake up. He's not working today... actually, they're at our apartment."

"They are? So, they know?"

"Yes and yes. And they are thrilled at our decision."

"They are? They don't think it's too soon?"

He laughs, "Hell no. Something you don't know... my parents were married a week after they met."

My jaw drops open, "A week? Wow. And they've always been happy?"

"They have their spats... which usually just means my mother acts like a pain in the ass... He ignores her most of the time when she does that... which irritates her. She wants her way, of course, and his attention... He's pretty laid back... It takes a lot to get him upset. If he gets angry with her, she knows she's gone too far. My mother is very strong, and as much as she likes to pretend she has full control, she knows she doesn't. She wouldn't respect him if he gave it to her. Like that first night at dinner... She went too far. She knew he was unhappy with her. She wanted to come outside and apologize to you. I wouldn't let her. She got an earful from me, but I knew he was going to let her have it. So did she, and believe me, she was dreading it...

Anyway, to answer your question... Yes, other than rare instances like that, they have always been happy. They knew they were meant to be together from the start. They didn't see any reason to wait, and they've never regretted it."

"Your father is very much like my grandfather. I adored him immediately."

"I could tell. It made me very happy. And that's one of the reasons I took you there the other day... You were making excuses for me... Letting me off the hook too easily... I thought you might listen to him."

"I don't want to talk about that."

"Okay."

"So, why are they at our apartment?"

"Because they know I won't leave you. We left things in disarray... " He pauses and I see him try to push the pain away. "You shouldn't have to go home to that. They took my truck to unload the last of it and try to make things nice for you. Of course, we'll change anything that isn't the way you want it when you're feeling better... but for now, it's better than going home to boxes. And don't worry... I told them your studio was off limits. Of course, that only peaked her curiosity, but I told him it was important, and he'll keep her out."

"Thank you, but it's your office."

"No, I have a corner in your studio. It's more than enough, and your privacy will be respected. I just wanted you to know I didn't forget."

"I love you."

"I love you too, Claire. More than anything in the world. I need you to know that. I need you to always know. No matter what ever happens... No matter what we may go through... Please never forget how much I love you. I couldn't bear it if I lost you. I came too close... the pain was excruciating. I never want to go through that again. I'll never forget what it felt like. I'll never take you for granted, I promise I won't. And I'll fight for the rest of my life to protect you, to keep you safe, and to make you as happy as I can. I never want to live without you. I would, I wouldn't disappoint you by taking the easy way out, but it wouldn't be a life. It would be a cold, dark, painful existence for a lost and broken man... and if I ever do anything to lose you, I'll endure it, because that's what I'll deserve... to live and suffer in the hell that would rise up without you."

Deserve? "Don't say that. Please don't say that... that's too much, Jaimin. If you ever lose me, it will be forces out of our control that take me from you. I know that, because I know I'll never leave you. I'll never choose to leave you. Nothing you could do... Nothing you could say... I know you'll never ask me for more than I can give you, I know you love me too much. I'm sorry if my stupid brain ever questioned that, but I do know. And I know that you'll never let me go. I'm yours for as long as this life allows us, but if it ever takes me unwillingly from you, please don't punish yourself. The hurt and sadness I know you'd feel would be more than enough to have to endure. I love you too much to even imagine it. Don't make me worry... Don't make me waste a moment of time I get with you worrying about that... "

"You're right... Time is too precious... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... "

He seems so lost. Blaming himself. He's suffering too much. Punishing himself even now.

"Shhh... I know. You more than love me. I know." I pull him to me, pull his arms around me, and we sit this way for a few moments. His arms speak to me, tell me how lost he was when they were empty. I can't wait another minute. I pull his mouth to mine. The kiss is slow. Careful. Sweet. Perfect. Until it's interrupted...

"Jaimin, really... for God's sake, can't you wait? She is in no condition for that!"

She pulls him away and I giggle at his wounded expression. "As hard as this may be to believe, Caressa, trust me, he can. He's completely innocent. I'm the shameless one."

"Innocent? Oh, my poor, sweet, darling girl... you're hallucinating. Aricin, run and get the doctor."

"Oh, I think she's okay." He smiles at me and leans down to kiss my forehead. "The doctor can't help her anyway, there's no treatment against Guillory charm, as you very well know."

She rolls her eyes and pulls him away as well, wrapping her arms carefully around me. "We were so worried about you. Do you have any idea how very loved you are? I'm sure you don't, but let me tell you, you are, and you scared us to death. But you're safe now and that's all that matters, and I'm going to fuss over you and take care of you... "

"Mom, you're scaring her."

"Nonsense, if your face doesn't scare her, nothing will. Why haven't you shaved yet? And you're just jealous that I'm not going to let you have her to yourself. Well, you'd better get over it, because I'm not going anywhere until she's strong again and the fire's back in her pretty eyes."

I look at him with a playful help me expression, but his face is etched with pain. I don't understand. "Jaimin? What's wrong?"

He smiles sweetly at me, but I see the sadness he's trying to conceal. "Nothing for you to worry about, beautiful. Let's feed you."

He busies himself unwrapping the food Aricin has brought, but I see the look he exchanges with Caressa, and he is unmistakably upset about something. She gives me the same sad smile and fluffs the pillows behind me, before stroking my cheek and moving out of the way. What the hell is going on?

"Jaimin, please tell me what's wrong."

"I just want you strong. So, please eat. What do you want to drink?"

His eyes are pleading with me not to ask again. I know he must be beyond exhausted, so I won't push. For now. "Can I have a Coke?"

"No caffeine, sweetheart. Second choice?"

"Oh, then just water is fine."

"Let me see what I can find. I'll be right back."

"I want you to eat with me. I want you strong, too."

"I know you do. I love you. You get started. Right back, I promise." He holds a bite up to my mouth and I open for him, and he kisses the tip of my nose, hands me the fork, and walks away, gesturing for Caressa to follow him.

"I don't suppose you'll tell me?" I ask Aricin, once the door closes.

"What I can tell you is that he loves you very much and he's worried about you. He feels helpless, and believe me, my son has never felt helpless a day in his life, except when he couldn't find you. Then and last night."

"But he did find me. Both times."

"He'll be okay when you're better, so fight to get better. And I'm glad he found you, Claire. Both times."

"My injuries are just like the bruises on my arm... they'll heal. The bruises are fading, and my foot will heal and the bump on my head will get smaller and smaller until it's gone. There's not much I can do to fight to hurry it along."

"Just do everything the doctor tells you. And let Jaimin take care of you. I promise to keep Caressa from smothering you too much, but you're on your own with my son, because I don't think you need my help with him. If you're willing to concede to him, now's the time. He needs it, Claire. He blames himself. Let him protect you, let him have some kind of control. And if there's other pain, let him help you through it. You don't have to tuck everything away. And I'm always here if you ever need anything. You are loved. You don't have to endure anything alone. You have this family wrapped around your little finger."

"You're going to make me cry."

"Oh, please don't do that," he pleads with a horrified expression, "Now, may I suggest that you take another bite before he comes back?"

The door opens just then and I hurry to put a bite into my mouth. My perception is still a bit off, though, so I miss my mouth completely, stab myself in the cheek, and end up wearing it. Right in front of him. It's a repeat of the doctor's examination, only this time with food. And a bigger audience. How humiliating. Now I can't even feed myself.

Jaimin rushes to my side, putting his hand up to stop Caressa's bustling. She almost beat him to me, and ignores him, trying to wipe away the evidence of the mess I made, but stops when Aricin clears his throat. I really adore that man.

I feel Jaimin's concerned eyes on me as I look at my hands, and whisper "I don't know what's wrong with me. My hands just won't do what I want them to."

"Don't you worry your beautiful head about that. Everything is going to be fine."

"What if it's not?"

"It will be. Open please?"

I look at him now, trying to fight back the tears. "What if I can't paint?"

He's struggling, I see it, even though he's trying to be strong. I open my mouth, trying my own hand at being strong, while my unanswered question hangs terrifyingly in the air. He slips the bite into my mouth and puts his other hand on mine. "It's only been hours, Claire. I don't want you to worry about things like that. When your head is better, everything will return to normal. You have to give it time. Patience, my love."

"You shouldn't have to feed me."

"I like to feed you. And... " He opens a small carton of milk he walked in with and pours it into a cup and looks at me. "I'd like you to drink this."

I wrinkle my nose at it.

"For me?" he pleads sweetly.

Damn him, why does he have to look so cute? I chance a glance at Aricin and he raises his brows at me.

It's just milk.


But I don't like milk! Unless...

"Can I make a request?"

"As long as it isn't chocolate."

"No. Crushed ice?"

"In the milk?"

"Yes."

"Does that make it taste better?"

"Yes."

"Can I ask how?"

"I don't know... it's magic."

"Crushed ice. Okay."

"Or at least those little chips. They give those to women in labor. At least on tv."

He laughs, "You're adorable. Magic milk it is."

"I'll get it," Caressa smiles, running out the door.

"Is there a story behind magic milk?" he asks, holding up another bite.

"I want you to eat."

"I will. You first."

I open obediently and chew my bite. "Well... my grandmother let me be fairly picky about food, but she wouldn't budge on milk. It was a daily battle. Tantrums... it wasn't pretty. I can be kind of a brat."

"Really?" he chuckles.

"Shocking, isn't it?"

Caressa runs back in and sets a cup of ice chips on my tray. "Sorry, that dreadful woman refused to crush. What's funny?"

"Claire is telling us a story. Quiet, dear," Aricin says with a finger to his lips.

"I missed some already," she frowns.

"In summary, Claire is a tantrum-throwing brat who doesn't like milk." Jaimin winks at me.

Mercy... "I thought you wanted me coherent... "

"I do. Sorry." He puts another bite into my mouth and pours the milk over the ice. He waits for me to chew and holds the cup to my lips, and I take a small sip.

"It was nothing, really... we were having our usual battle about the milk during lunch and my grandfather came in. He asked me if I would drink magic milk if he made some. We'd just been to a magic show the week before, so I was intrigued. And he was him... so I said yes and he crushed up some ice and poured the milk on top and pretended to do some silly magic spell and gave it to me. And I drank it. It just tasted better. So, I was given magic milk from that day on. No more tantrums. That's it. Not much of a story."

"I disagree," he smiles lovingly at me. "But I'm curious... Is there a magic spell to get you to eat carrots?"

"Eew. No way. Never gonna happen. Believe me, they tried. Epic tantrums. I'm still undefeated. As you well know."

He shudders from the memory of his attempt and they all laugh, while I sip my magic milk like a good little girl, even holding it myself and managing not to miss my mouth. Maybe it really is magic...


                                                 ~


I want to take a bath. And wash my hair. Well, what I really want is a shower, but that's not going to happen for one-footed, teeter tottering Claire. A bath will have to do. If I ever get some towels. We've asked twice. Still nothing. I think they're making me wait on purpose. They seem to think I'm a demanding little brat. Caressa's even less popular with the staff, but I don't think brat is what they're calling her...

So, she's been delegated babysitting duty, while my gorgeous boyfriend is flashing his dazzling smile somewhere to get what I want. Or screaming at someone, I'm not sure which. Either way, I have no doubts he'll come back with towels. And he better do it quick, before I go hopping out of this room to test my hand-eye coordination. You know... just in case his smile is what's holding him up. Caressa is laughing at me as I practice my fist making.

The door opens and the smile that was meant for him falls from my face. You have got to be kidding me...

"Well, hello, little doll. How sweet of you to come and visit me."

"You're a nurse?"

She smiles wickedly at me. "Yes, and all yours. You'll be amazed how attentive I can be. Bath time, little doll."

"In your dreams. Drop the towels and get out."

"Now, now, don't be afraid. I'll be very gentle, and you'll be squeaky clean and properly pampered in no time."

"You're not going to touch me."

"Claire, is it? Lovely, but I prefer little doll... it just suits you so. I'm Vivienne, but you can call me Vivi, if you like. And, in any case, it's my job, when patients are such that they need assistance, which, lucky for both of us, you are. You're really quite delicate, aren't you? I just knew he'd break you if he wasn't careful. You poor thing. Well, not to worry, I'm here now and I'm going to take good care of you."

Where the hell is he? "The only thing you're going to do is leave. Caressa, may I use your phone?"

"Of course, darling, here you go. Who is this inappropriate woman?"

At least my fingers finally do something I want them to. "She's a member of the dismissed harem, and now, as when I last met her, much too curious and eager to familiarize herself with me," I answer, as I type my message:

Dressing room party moved to my room. Still NOT fun. She's positively salivating. Please come NOW. Claire 


I hit send and look up to see Caressa's disgusted expression as she turns on her. "Is that so? Well, let me tell you something, you reprehensible little whore, whatever relations you may have had with my son are over, and whatever shameful and lecherous intentions you have towards the woman he loves are never going to happen, certainly not by course of your job, which you will now lose. You are out of line and, let me assure you, out of your element. You... "

The door flies open, cutting off Caressa's words, and Vivienne smiles as he approaches her. She knows he's angry. She doesn't care in the least... "Shame on you, hurting our little doll! You have to be more careful! Would you like to watch our bath? I'll teach you how to play nice with her, and next time, you can call me for the rough stuff. I don't break that easily, but of course you already know that... "

She doesn't get another word out as he grabs her by the hair and drags her from the room. Caressa runs after them, mortified. I'm not sure what she's more bothered by, her words, or his response to them. I hope she can keep him from getting arrested, although I doubt blondie would press charges... Something tells me she finds it arousing...

It turns my stomach. So does the fact that now I'll wonder if every pretty nurse that walks through the door has intimate knowledge of my boyfriend. I just want to get out of here. I want to go home. Why can't my stupid head just cooperate? I'm tired of this place, and tired of the sad smiles that all of the people who care about me give me every time they look at me. I want to know why. Do they think I'm traumatized? Well, I'm not. I probably should be, but I learned how to switch off a long time ago. Me first. And, damn it, right now I want a bath. Certainly I can take a bath by myself. The bathroom's only a few hops away...

I thought you wanted to get out of here? You falling and cracking your skull isn't going to expedite that. Wait for help.

I CAN'T HEAR YOU... and I'm not a child. And shut up!

Very mature...

I refuse to be made to feel helpless. I'm not helpless and I'm going to take a bath. I unfold the towels and lay them on my shoulder and move carefully off of the bed.

Standing.

That wasn't hard at all.

One little hop...

So far so good.

Two little hops...

A little dizzy...

And you're still holding on to the bed. What are you going to do when you have to let go?


I'm not listening to you!

Three little hops...

Stupid spinning floor...

I'll just pretend I've had way too much wine. I know it's not really spinning, it's just my stupid head. I can do this.

You're going to bust your ass. And your stupid head. Then he's going to blister your ass. Get back in bed!


Letting go...

Four little hops...

Ha!

Five little hops...

Oh shit...

TIMBER!


Right. On. My. Ass. "Ahhhhhh!"


That was not graceful.


"Oh my God, Claire!"


He has the best timing. Gotta love him. Of course if he'd have showed up a few seconds sooner, you wouldn't have busted your ass, but for entertainment's sake, his late arrival was perfect.

"Ow... It... h-h-h-hurts... and... sh-sh-shut up," I stutter through my tears, as he picks me up, and sits with me on the bed.

"I'm sure it does, and what?"

"N-not y-you. N-n-never m-mind."

"Are you okay? Other than hurting my pretty little ass, did you hurt anything else?"

"N-no... just my p-pride."

He sighs and holds me close, wiping my tears, "Why are you so stubborn? Why couldn't you just wait? Do you know how bad you could have gotten hurt? What if you'd have hit your head?"

"I d-didn't."

"Not the point. I'd hate to restrain you, Claire, I really would... I know how much that would upset you, but I will do it if I have to, to keep you from hurting yourself. Please don't make me."

"No..." I cry, looking at the marks on my wrists. "Please don't do that to me... I... please... "

"Shhhh... I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that." He pulls each wrist to his lips, kissing the marks left by the rope. "Will you please just let me take care of you? I know you're a tough little thing, but you're fragile too, and my sweet little bird isn't ready to fly yet. I can't bear to see you broken any more. Can you understand that?"

"I just wanted to take a bath."

"I know, because you're a stubborn and impatient brat. And I adore you. And my pretty little injured ass."

"That disgusting thing has left the premises," Caressa says with an air of satisfaction, as she comes through the door. "Really, Jaimin, how you ever... Claire, you've been crying! What's wrong? Don't tell me you let her upset you?"

"No, Mom, she just got impatient and fell trying to hop herself to the bathroom."

"Oh, darling! Are you alright? Should I get the doctor?"

"No. If you tell him, he'll probably just add a week to my stay in this hell. I'm fine, as long as I don't stand up again. Or hop."

"Or sit," Jaimin chuckles.

"Do not tease her!" Caressa smacks his arm, picking up the towels and heading into the bathroom.

I wait for the sound of the water before I respond, "Actually, I'm quite accustomed to a sore ass. As if you don't know... "

"Like I said, you're a stubborn brat, who sometimes deserves a sore ass. And in this instance, you seem to have saved me the trouble and punished yourself. All there is now is to see if you learn from it. I wish I could say I had hope... "

"I wish I could say that none of your whores tried to molest me today. You could have warned me that she was around. How many others are there?"

"I didn't know, sweetheart. And none. That I know of."

"So, what you really mean is that you still don't know. I guess conversation wasn't a priority in your oral communication... "

"I'm not going to respond to that. But I'm very sorry that you had to deal with that shit."

"Again."

"I promise you that's the last time."

"I wish I could believe that. Unfortunately for me, I don't."

Don't forget why you're here. Your past hasn't exactly been a peach for him either.


But...

But nothing. You're being selfish. Don't punish him for something that he didn't do.


But he did.

BEFORE YOU. Look at him. Hasn't he suffered enough? Why are you making him feel like shit on top of it all?


Because I'm a terrible person.

Damn it... It's not his fault. As much as I don't like it, I've accepted the life he lived before me, and it's wrong of me to attack him with it now. He didn't invite it into our lives. He came running when it showed up. To protect me. And I'm being a bitch.

He looks like he's been through hell and back.

For me.

He hasn't slept in two days.

For me.

He spends every moment worrying and trying to protect me from everything, including me.

He thinks he failed me.

He thinks he let me get taken.

He thinks he let me get hurt.

He blames himself.

He has the weight of the world on his exhausted shoulders.

Because of me.

And I'm being a bitch.

Because someone who I know means nothing to him happened to walk into my room.

And like everything else, it's not his fault...

But I'm being a bitch and he's letting me.

He's putting up with my shit.

Because he loves me.

And he thinks it's all his fault.

And it's positively breaking my heart.

"Jaimin... "

"I mean it, Claire, I don't want any of that to touch you ever again. I know you're upset, and I'm sorry. It's the last thing I want. I swear I didn't know. I never would have left you, not for a second... "

"Stop."

"You're so mad you don't even want to hear my voice... "

"I only don't want to hear it apologize. You didn't do anything... and I'm the one that should be apologizing to you. I was being a bitch, and I'm sorry. And that's not all... that doesn't begin to cover it... Almost since the day you met me, your life has been turned completely upside down... stress after stress after stress... my shit, not yours... so much...  How can you even stand me for what I've done to your life?"

"Mouth please. And what you've done to my life is filled it. The only thing I'd change is all of the hell I've had to watch you suffer through. Hell that I didn't or couldn't protect you from. And hell that I've added to. You're a pain in the ass, but there's been more than enough of my shit, too. And to ask me how I can stand you is ridiculous. Don't ever ask me that again. Don't make me start taking notes... I promise you, you don't want me to write these down. You think you can't walk now... "

"I'm injured," I pout innocently, "and fragile, just like you said."

"Where's my brave girl now?" he smirks.

"Ummm... I think she's at home practicing a strip tease for you."

"That one I'm writing down."

"Shouldn't that go in my book?"

"I told you I'd share mine with you. You just haven't written anything down in it."

"You did, and forgive me, I'll get on that as soon as we're home. Any other notes you'd like to request I make?"

"That you obey all of my orders."

"Give me intriguing ones and I'll be so obedient your head will spin."

He mutters something unintelligible just as Caressa comes out of the bathroom. Damn that woman's timing...


"All set, complete with bubbles! It will be a little awkward keeping that foot out, but we'll manage. Ready?"

"We? Ummm... "

"Now, darling, don't be shy. You need help... you can't possibly balance yourself with one foot out of the water and wash your hair and all of the rest. I'm not a prude... he can come, and help, but he'll have to behave himself if I'm there, and your tender head needs a gentle touch, which I don't think he has. Now, come, while the water's nice and warm."

I look to Jaimin for help, but he only laughs at my horrified expression, and carries me straight into the bathroom.

Thanks for the support! I'm going to kill him. If I ever take my hands from my face to do it. How humiliating...







Okay, the pity party is over. I survived my bath. It really wasn't so bad. The humiliation was brief. I'm clean, and I smell good, and I'm feeling thoroughly pampered. In the right way. I could certainly do worse than to have the Guillory family at attention. I'm swathed in luxurious new silk pajamas, Caressa loves to shop, bless her heart, and my nails are done and my toes are done, and frankly, I feel a bit like a princess.

My prince has finally fallen asleep, thank God. He'll probably be mad about it when he wakes up, and feel guilty, somehow, but he was completely exhausted and needed to sleep. Aricin showed up during my pedicure, and after we all ate the wonderful food he brought us, he told Caressa she'd smothered me enough for one day and dragged her away. She didn't go willingly. I have to admit, I've liked having her here. Other than the fact that she saw me naked, and wondered aloud at how I would ever bear her grandchildren... the way Jaimin's eyes sparkled at that mention made me forget to be embarrassed.

If only my own sparkle would return. I finally figured it out. Once he fell asleep, I picked up the compact Caressa left beside the bed and took a long hard look at my face. I know why they all look at me that way. I know why he got upset with her before. It was what she said. It's my eyes. They're wrong. There's no sparkle, no fire. They're just there. That's why he's so worried. Even the doctor... he's constantly looking at them, while Jaimin holds his breath. I know it's because of the damn bump on my head, but I really don't feel that bad. It's kind of like a dull, annoying headache. I only get dizzy if I move too fast, or try to do too much. It's just a concussion, nothing more. The tests have proven that.

I want my sparkle back. I want him to look into my eyes and see what he needs to see. I want him to smile, instead of the worried, sad attempt at one I see over and over again. I want my hands to do what I want them to without having to think about it and concentrate on my every movement. I want the only chaos in my life to come from the storm that is the beautiful man sleeping next to me. I want everyone around me to stop hurting, for me, and themselves.

I think back to a time when nothing touched me, because I didn't let it. Because I didn't let anyone get that close. When I ran away from everyone and locked myself up tight and didn't let anyone in. Life was so much simpler then. When nothing mattered to me but me. When it all made sense. When I thought silence was all I wanted.

I hear his soft breathing beside me and know how wrong I was. It's a beautiful sound. I don't want the silence anymore. I could never find peace in it now.

I let my eyes drift closed and turn into him, hoping not to wake him. He stirs and I open them to look at him, but his are still closed. My name slips softly from his lips and a sweet smile forms on his mouth, as his arm curls protectively around my waist.

His breathing resumes it's gentle rhythm, and I let myself get lost in the sound and feel of him. Life was simpler then, but I wouldn't trade this for anything in the world. Simple is like milk, without the ice. Silence has no magic. The peace it once gave me came from me. I don't run to it anymore, I don't need it...

I was alone in that room and it wasn't enough. The open door that separated us felt like an endless trail of darkness and pain that, for the first time, even I couldn't find my way past. I couldn't heal myself. I got lost and couldn't find the way out. I needed him to come, to find me and lead me back to where I belonged.

Because I belong somewhere.

I don't have to do it alone.

I let someone in.

I let someone love me.

Someone who loves me in spite of all of the stupid things I do and say. Someone who loves me just as much when I'm falling off of a toilet with my panties down, or hanging out a window to feel the pummeling rain on my face, as when I'm strutting confidently through a room, knowing his eyes are on my ass.

Someone who whispers my name in his sleep and smiles. Someone who wraps his arm around me because he knows I'm there... He doesn't have to open his eyes and look, because he knows he's brought me back to him, and that's where I'll stay. Where I belong.


I know the ice doesn't really add magic. The milk is still the milk. But when you open yourself up and give something a chance... When you let go of your fear that it's going to taste bad... When you accept that it doesn't make sense, and doesn't have to...

When the person asking you to try is someone you love and trust with all of your heart... Whether the heart of a little girl or the heart of a woman... Whether that person is the man that first made you laugh or the man that first made you... Oh... it's not nearly simple enough to put into a word... It's not so simple as a little girl's first laughter in the rain... but I suppose that really wasn't simple either... and she was so much stronger than I am now... Wasn't she?

No, just sweeter. Innocent. Like your grandfather's love. You're comparing them, and that's beautiful, but you know it's not the same. Not nearly so simple.


Not simple at all.

But?


Worth it.

Worth everything.

Worth embarrassment and humiliation.

Worth misunderstandings and frustration.

Worth pain and anger and tears.

Because through it all...

After it all...

His grip tightens around me, as if he can hear my thoughts.

After it all... is this.