Clear and Bright: Chapter Nineteen: Held

                                             
                                     
What does a man look like when he's found peace? When he's attained the unattainable? When reality has surpassed the beauty of a dream? When everything he dares to want is waiting to be wanted? When everything he wants to give is welcomed and cherished? When he is loved? When he is understood? When the love is uninhibited by the understanding?

To a passerby on the street, the man looks happy. Profoundly happy. The smile he wears isn't only worn on his lips. It's in his eyes. It's in his every movement. His every breath. It bathes him in light, even in the dark. It pulses inside of him as his mind pummels him with beautiful pictures. Pictures of hope. Pictures of real. Pictures of his. Pictures of her. She is his. She is all. And she is waiting.


His smile fades as he is kept from her. He grows angry as he forms an impenetrable barrier between her and what wants to harm her. His eyes grow dark. His words sinister. His hands trembling with fury he won't hesitate to unleash. He will protect her at all costs. He will show no mercy. He will give no more chances. He has been pushed too far.

He feels no guilt.

Remorse will not come.

An exception, only for her.

She's still waiting.

The thought of her waiting calms him. His breathing slows. The storm subsides. He won't take it to her. Won't let it touch her. She is his peace. He will touch her with gentle hands. Look at her with gentle eyes. Speak to her with gentle words. And take her home with a gentle heart. All exceptions, only for her.


The smile just reforming itself on his face freezes as it suddenly occurs to him that she may be watching. That she may have seen. That he may have frightened her.

She's not at the window. Was she a moment ago?

He braces himself for what he may find when he reenters the apartment. He must be careful with her.

He finds the door open.

Panic screams in his head.

Her coat on the floor.

Fear grips his heart.

"Claire?"

He knows she won't answer, but he doesn't stop calling for her.

He runs from room to room.

He knows he won't find her here, but he doesn't stop looking for her.

She trusted him.

She wasn't afraid.

He left her vulnerable.

And now she's gone.

Vulnerable.

Trusting.

Gone.

What does a man sound like when his peace has been taken away? When what's his has been stolen from him? When his reality has been shattered? When he's left with only the dream? The dream he let go of? When he left her to wait too long? When she who cherished him, she who loved him, she who understood him, has been ripped from his arms? His arms that she wanted? His arms that she needed? His arms that she trusted? His arms that let go and left her waiting? Left her vulnerable?

To a passerby on the street, perhaps any street for miles, he sounds like a man who has lost everything. The agonized cry that comes from him isn't only sound. It echoes through the air, but that's nothing compared to what it does to his body. He feels his own storm. It batters him. Batters his mind. Batters his heart. Batters his soul. Batters his now-shattered existence. It crashes over him, a relentless torrent of fury and pain. Regret. Guilt. Failure. It threatens to pull him under. To drown him. He wants it. He thinks he deserves it. For failing her.

Her.

She can't hear him, but he tells her anyway. "Claire... I'm sorry... "

He hears her words.

You found me.


They're louder than the battering storm.

They pull him up.

They make him fight.

What are you doing? She's still waiting for you. Waiting for you to find her. You haven't failed her yet. She's waiting for you to take her home. You're wasting time. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Are you going to just let him have her? She trusts you. GO FIND HER.


He picks her coat up from the floor. He brings it to his face and inhales deeply. The scent of her pummels his senses. Tears burn in his eyes. They burn his skin as they fall. The pain is like fire. It consumes him.

He imagines her cold. He imagines her scared. He imagines her hurt. He can't breathe.

Another strangled cry erupts from him. What if she can't breathe? What if she has no air?

He imagines a little girl with big, frightened eyes, locked in airless darkness.

A little bird with those same eyes, trembling and broken.

He runs from the apartment, her coat clutched in his hand. He pulls his phone from his pocket as he jumps into his truck. Full of her things. He dials the number as he looks at the empty seat beside him where she's supposed to be. It mocks him with unrelenting cruelty. You failed her. You lost her.

He doesn't recognize his own voice as he says the horrific words. "He took her."


                                                    ~


Claire Beaulieu's apartment is a crime scene. Like it should have been once before. Not for the playful crimes of a man in love. Not for the moments of want that consumed his senses and broke his will. No, those weren't crimes. And he doesn't know about those.

His friend was attacked in this apartment. Nearly raped.

His brother beat her attacker to a bloody pulp in this apartment. Nearly killed him.

Because he was stalking her.

His little brother prevented a crime while committing his own.

And he did nothing.

He told her not to worry. His friend. This woman that's like a little sister to him. He loved her from the first moment he met her. When his little brother brought her home. His little brother the idiot. He knew he'd screw it up.

She was different. She was special. He told him to be careful with her.

He didn't listen.

He screwed it up. She left him after almost a year.

He couldn't let her go.

He couldn't stop wanting her.

He couldn't stop loving her.

He started watching her. Following her.

She called him for help. He told her not to worry. He told her not to be afraid. He told her he'd take care of it.

She trusted him.

The idiot made him a liar.

She kept calling him. Please make him stop, she'd say.

I will, he promised, again and again.

He beat the idiot's ass a hundred times. As a brother.

He didn't do his job. He didn't protect her.

The night she was attacked was difficult. She tucked it away inside of herself and asked him to let it go. He did what she wanted.

He didn't beat his little brother's ass that night, even though he should have. If he hadn't have been watching her that night...

He covered it all up like nothing happened. No reports were filed. No one was hauled in. He didn't do his job.

Claire Beaulieu's apartment is a crime scene. Because he didn't do his job.

He thought he could handle him.

He was wrong.

Her new boyfriend has turned the idiot into something he doesn't recognize. Something he's seen in his job, but couldn't admit to seeing in his little brother.

He sees it now. He can't deny it anymore.

Detective Loring Forester is finally doing his job.

He prays to God that it isn't too late.

Claire Beaulieu has been abducted. His friend. His little sister. She's in the hands of a deranged lunatic. His brother, the idiot.

Jaimin Guillory is frantic. Her new boyfriend. He's a bit intense, but he likes him. He did a check on him. The man's a saint. Well, on paper. A little more digging revealed him to be a womanizing asshole, and by his own admission, not someone you want to piss off... but his sweet little sister has a way of changing a man. This man is in love.

With his sweet little sister that's in the hands of the deranged lunatic.

He'll find her if it kills him. Or the lunatic.

He will do his job this time, no matter the cost.


                                                 ~


Why can't I feel her?

I never could.

All that time...

She was right there...

I couldn't feel her.

WHY CAN'T I FEEL HER?

God, where is she?

Please help me?

Please tell me where she is?

Please let me feel her?

PLEASE?

My phone. WHERE THE FUCK IS... "Loring? Tell me something, please."

"The house is clear. Nothing's disturbed. No one's been there."

"You know him... where the fuck would he take her?"

"We're checking everything we can think of... "

"ARE YOU?"

"Yes, we are. I know you don't have a lot of faith in me right now, I let it go too far... but I'll find her. I didn't think he would... "

"YOU WERE WRONG! AND LOOK WHERE IT GOT HER!"

"You're not the only one that cares about her. I will find her."

"YOU CARE ABOUT HIM!"

"Of course I do, he's my brother... but I'll do what I have to do. I won't let her down again, Jaimin. I swear to God, I won't. I'm going to make this right. I will bring her home to you."

"Talk doesn't mean shit, detective."

"You're right, it doesn't, so why don't we both stop wasting time... "

"Have you found that bitch yet?"

"No. You know, if you wouldn't have roughed her up, she might not be hiding."

"A moot point."

"I'll be in touch. If you find her, you better use your hands to call me, and keep them off of her."

"FIND CLAIRE."

"Shit. He hung up. He's coming unglued."

"You really think he's going to heed your warning?"

"Hell no. He's a hothead. He's convinced she has something to do with this. If he finds her before we do, he might kill her."

"I think he's right."

"If I hadn't have been there the other day when she called him, I'd have my doubts, but since I was... and Jaimin's account of what transpired a few weeks ago... "

"If he's telling the truth... "

"He admitted to choking her half to death, you really think he's lying about that?"

"No."

"Neither do I. And he's too arrogant to lie. Call the Bouchards again."


                                                 ~


Where are you, Claire?

Talk to me, sweetheart.

Tell me where you are.

Tell me where to find you.

I'm lost.

I don't know where to look.

I'm scared.

I can't feel you.

Why can't I feel you?

Talk to me. Please.

I can't hear you. I need to hear you.

I'm sorry I kept you waiting.

I thought...

I was wrong.

I made a mistake. Another mistake.

I left you vulnerable.

I'm so sorry...

Where are you???????????


                                               ~


Pain...

Pounding.

Throbbing.


Pain.


Voices.

Not clear.

I can't make them out through the pounding in my head.


I want to see.

I want to open my eyes.

Why are they so heavy?

I try and I try but the pounding pushes them closed.

God, it hurts...

Why does it hurt so much?

Think, Claire. Why does it hurt?

Why can't I remember anything?

Why can't I focus?


Where am I?

Jaimin.

Where's Jaimin?


Voices again.

Too quiet.

Is he here?

"Jaimin?"

The voices stop.

Did he hear me?

I'm not even sure I heard me.

Damn it, why can't I open my eyes?

Where is he?

"Jaimin?"

"Stop. Saying. His. Name."

Oh no...

God, please, no...

I remember.

The door opened...

I tried to scream...

He couldn't hear me...

Then... pain.

That's why it hurts.

He...

"Leal."

"That's better."

No....




                                                  ~




We were so close.

Minutes.

But minutes was all it took.

To go from close to gone.

She's gone.

Taken.

Lost.


You found me.


I know.

I did.

I found you.

But you weren't being hidden from me...

You were right there.

Waiting.

You didn't know it...

but you were.

You were waiting to be found.

Waiting to be held.

Are you still waiting, Claire?

I let go.

I let go and someone took you from me.

Can you ever forgive me for that?

I walked away from you after I promised you I never would again.

And now...

I don't know where you are.

I don't know if you're afraid.

I don't know if you're cold.

I don't know if you're hungry.

I don't know if you're hurt.

I don't know if you're broken.

I don't know if you're waiting...

Do you still want me to find you?

Maybe you don't.

Maybe you don't trust me anymore.

Maybe I broke you.


I'll find you.

I'll make you safe again.

I'll make you warm.

I'll feed you.

And I'll fight.

For the chance to hold you again.


                                                ~


I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I couldn't scream.

I'm sorry I couldn't fight.

I'm sorry I let him take me.

I didn't want to leave you.

I never wanted to leave.

I wanted to go home.

I wanted you to take me home.


I want you to take me home, Jaimin.

I'm waiting.

I'm waiting for you to come.

I'm waiting for you to find me again.


I'm sorry.

I can see your face.

Your face is all I see.

All I want to see.

But it's breaking my heart.

I can see the pain on it.

I can see your fear for me.

Your regret.

Don't, Jaimin.

Don't blame yourself.

It's not your fault.


I'm waiting.

I know you'll come.

You found me.

I trust you.

You'll find me again.

You'll take the pain away.

You won't let him have me.

You'd never let him take me from you.

You'd never let me go.


I got lost.

But you'll come.

You'll find me.

You'll lead the way.

And I'll follow you.

I'll let you take me.

Home.

Where I belong.


Be strong, my love.

I'm waiting for you.


                                                  ~



That bitch is up to something. She's part of this. How long has she been betraying her? Where is that damn envelope?

She wanted to go. She asked me to take her. We never made it that day. Distractions... No more God damn distractions. It must be in her bag. Where is her bag?

Did she have it today? No. She didn't take it. There it is... where it always is.

I find the envelope and run back out of my apartment. Our apartment. Where she's supposed to be. With me. I don't want to be here without her. I don't want to be anywhere without her.

It probably doesn't mean anything. I don't know what's behind the door. Maybe nothing. But I have to look. I have to know. Maybe...

She gave it to her. Said she should see what's there. Why? What's there, Nadine? Something to hurt her? How long have you wanted to hurt her? How long have you been doing things to hurt her behind her back?

I find the address easily. I turn the key in the lock and enter. It's pitch black, I feel along the wall for a switch. The lights may not even work... if this was her father's... aaah... light. It's some kind of office. Pictures. Pictures of Claire. Everywhere. Baby pictures. I'd know those eyes anywhere. That sweet, beautiful face. Pictures of the first four years of her life. The little angel that didn't belong. How could they? How could they look at that face and not love her? How could she be so jealous of her own daughter? How could he choose her over his innocent child? Damn them both to hell.

The photographs don't progress through her life. They jump from a four year old little angel to an adult. Of course they do...  Her grandparents wouldn't have given him anything. It was Nadine. Pictures at the gallery. Parties. Events. Men...

That must be Alex. She's younger. There are many. They look happy. In love. The way he's looking at her... the same in all of them. His love for her is unmistakable. In some she seems oblivious. My selfish girl. She was the center of his universe. He wasn't the center of hers. Some she's looking back at him... but it's different than the way she looks at me. I see the difference. She gives me more. God, where is she?

There are a few faces I don't know. They must not have been around long. They couldn't hold her. They tried. The one constant in every photograph is their arms. Their hands. On her. Trying to stake their claim. It made her uncomfortable. I can see it. I've never seen that from her. She wants mine. She told me never to take them from her. And she doesn't have them now. I'll find you, sweetheart. They're yours...


Him.

He has what's mine.

He took it.

He took her.

He took her from me when I was just feet away.

That bitch helped him.

How could I be so stupid?

How could I be so careless?

How could I let him take her right out of my arms?


Even the detective is represented.

He has his arm around her.

She's laughing.

Leal is not.

His eyes are...

He was jealous of his own brother.

The ease she felt with him.

It's playful.

Innocent.

She's innocent.

But he twisted it.

Turned it into something it wasn't.

It's in his eyes.

She was too innocent to see it.

Loring should have seen it.

He should have recognized the danger.

But he wasn't paying attention.

And now she's gone.

There's one more photograph. One more face I don't know. But a face I'll never forget. He must have been the one...

I'll find him one day. I'll teach him what no means.

Focus on her. Nothing matters right now but finding her.


Paintings. They're hers. He couldn't be a father to her, but he wanted pieces of her. He didn't deserve them. He hid them from his bitch wife. She'd have burned this place down if she'd have known. But she didn't know. She thought he gave her up. For her. But he couldn't quite let go.

No one wants to let her go once they have her in their grasp... those that do... go back.


Go back and take anything they can.


Whether she wants to give it or not.

I have to find her...

I can't stand here and let him take something from her.

I try to focus and look for something... anything that might help me find her.

The desk isn't locked. I go through it, but don't find anything. Some newspaper clippings. A pile of letters. Sent to her years ago. Returned. Her grandparents protected her. They didn't leave her vulnerable. They didn't make the mistake I made. They kept her safe. Once they heard her beautiful laughter, they wouldn't let anyone take it from her.

I wish they were here.

The danger didn't enter her life until after they were gone.

Would I be in her life if they were still here? Would they have let me near her? Am I any different than they are? Yes. I would never take something from her. But am I any different than he is? If she tried to leave me...

You don't have her now. You're wasting time again.


I'm sorry, Claire. I'm coming, sweetheart. I'll find you, I promise.

I finish going through the desk. Nothing. This was a waste of time. Precious time.

She's going to lose her laughter. And it's all my fault. Because she trusted me. She trusted me to protect her and I didn't.

I look one more time at the photographs of her with Leal. Nothing in the backgrounds tell me anything. Two are at the gallery. It looks like some event. They're of no use, I know she's not there. The other one... the three of them... a party? It could be anywhere. I take it... maybe Loring will remember. It's something. One more place to look.

I turn to leave, but something is bothering me, pulling me back. There's something about the photographs. What the hell is it? They're all...

She didn't know. She didn't know she was being photographed. Not a single one is posed for. She's not looking at the camera. Not in any of them. They were private moments. Public, but private. Photographs taken by someone watching her. By someone who couldn't take their eyes off of her.

There must be others. If she gave these to her father... how many did she keep? There must be many, many others.

I pull out my phone to call Loring, and it rings in my hand. "Anything?"

"Not yet. But if you can maintain composure, and not touch anything, there's something I'm willing to show you."

"Where?"

"Nadine's apartment."

"Pictures... Look for pictures."

"How do you know about that?"

"I'll be right there."

I rip her paintings down from the wall, I can't leave them. He never should have had them. She didn't have the right to give him pieces of her. She didn't have the right to take anything from her that she didn't want to give, and I'm taking it back.


Nadine's apartment is just a few blocks away, it takes me only minutes. Loring is outside waiting. "Now listen to me. I don't have to do this... "

"Show me."

"Not until you listen to me. Her parents are in there. Regardless of how you feel about her, the Bouchards are good people. They love Claire very much. And they're afraid for her. They came here because they were worried about their daughter's involvement, Leal has been around the gallery...

They found something...

They could have hidden it, but they didn't. They called me. They're not protecting her. They love Claire too much. But this isn't easy for them. She's their daughter. That she could...

Just don't make it any harder for them. They want what we all want. Do you hear me?"

"I thought you had something to show me."

"I mean it. What's that a picture of?"

"I found it. Do you recognize it? Do you know where you were? Is it anywhere he might have taken her?"

"I've never seen this before. Leal looks... "

"PSYCHOTIC?"

"I was going to say deranged."

"Yet you never saw it."

"We'll talk about this later. Come on."

I follow him in and the Bouchards are sitting on her couch, looking distraught. Loring approaches Mrs. Bouchard with the photograph.

"Is this your house?"

"Yes, that was Claire's birthday party two years ago. I took lots of pictures that night, but I've never seen that one... " Her words trail off as she looks at me, her expression full of pain and shame. "Jaimin... I don't know what we can possibly say... I'm so sorry... We're so ashamed... And so worried...  But I have to believe that Claire will be alright... That they wouldn't hurt her... They couldn't... "

They. "There's evidence that they're together?"

"No," Loring interjects, "but based on the photographs... it's likely that you were right. I believe one or both of them had been watching you... Seeing you move Claire's things out of her apartment would have made him... desperate. That desperation, coupled with Nadine's influence... I think she convinced him she wanted to help him... She created a diversion... distracted you for a few minutes... just long enough for him to grab her... "

"She'd never have gone willingly. She would have screamed. She would have fought... I didn't hear anything."

He gestures towards the next room and speaks in a low voice, as I follow him. "He would have no access to drugs that would work quickly enough... He hates guns... I think he must have incapacitated her in some way and carried her out the back. I'm concerned about a head trauma... "

God, no...

"... But I still can't imagine him hurting her... The only other thing I can think of is that he may have threatened to hurt you in some way? Enough to make her believe him? She might have gone willingly?"

"No. He would have needed time to do that. She doesn't see me as weak."

"This isn't about your ego... I'm not saying she does, but she watched him beat a man nearly to death. The only reason he didn't is because I showed up and stopped him. If I hadn't have been around the corner when she called me, it would have been too late. He would have killed him. She was afraid."

"No. He hurt her. She's hurt and we're just standing here! Show me the fucking photographs!"

"I need you to calm down... "

"Don't fucking tell me to calm down! If you'd have done your fucking job, instead of coddling your lunatic little brother, Claire would be safe at home with me right now, not missing and God knows how hurt! If she's even alive!"

The silence that settles in the apartment is deafening.

That I could even think those words is...

But to say them out loud...

"I haven't given up... I'm just... "

"Hold it together, Jaimin. I know you're scared for her, but you have got to try to keep a clear head. I know you're pissed off... I accept full responsibility for this. I made a mistake. Many mistakes, but I won't do it again. I will not let her down this time. We will find her. And when we do, she's going to need you. Be strong for her."

"He can't have her... She's mine. He can't fucking have her... "

"Listen to me... I don't think my little brother is our biggest concern... "

"WHAT?"

"Come take a look. Claire's best chance to be safe is his devotion to her."

I look down at the table he's led me to. Spread out upon it are photographs. Hundreds of them. Mutilated photographs. Her eyes cut out. Her face slashed. Her head cut off. Her hands...

I can't look anymore. I turn and walk out of the room. Out of the apartment. I hear Loring's steps behind me. "Jaimin... I believe that he loves her. No matter how misguided that love is... I think if someone hurt her, or even tried to... he'd protect her with his life."

"And if you're wrong?"

"Pray that I'm not."


                                                  ~


"He was easily distracted. His hatred for me made it nearly effortless. It's ironic, don't you think? That he chose me over you."

"You're delusional."

"And here you are. At my mercy. You should hope you're wrong about delusional."

I look at Leal. He hasn't stopped staring at me since I opened my eyes. He hasn't said anything else. He just...  stares.

"What's it like, Claire? Being back home?"

"This isn't my home." And he's never going to look for me here...


"Oh, that's right... your parents didn't want you. Your mother would probably roll over in her grave if she knew you were in her house."

"Shut up, Nadine."

She's irritating him. And making my head hurt worse every minute. "Leal?"

"Yes, Claire?"

"Could I have an aspirin, please?"

"I'm sorry about that. I'll see if I can find some."

He leaves the room and she's over me in a flash, stroking my cheek strangely. "Such a pretty face... but it won't be enough. He'll choose me too, you know. We've gotten rather close. It doesn't look good for you." She slaps me hard just as he comes back into the room.

"Shut your mouth and get away from her!"

"Oh... you didn't want her to know about our new friendship? Oops. Too late."

He pushes her out of the way and leans over me, showing me the aspirin in his hand. My hands are tied above my head, and I'll have to let him put them in my mouth. I don't like the trust it symbolizes. He sees my hesitation and I see the anger start to move towards me.

Don't make him mad. Do what you have to to keep him sweet.


I open my mouth just enough and he drops them in, and I lean up as far as I can as he tilts the glass of water to my lips. I swallow them and whisper, "Thank you."

"You're welcome. I'm sorry I had to do that... If you would have just talked to me... "

"But that would mean Claire would have to think of someone other than herself. Really, Leal, you of all people know she's unwilling to do that. And stop being so nice to her. That's not what we brought her here for. Let's get on with this... "

"I told you to shut your mouth. Do you need assistance with that?"

"That depends... what did you have in mind?"

"Not what you're thinking, I assure you. Now shut up!"

Try to calm him down. We don't want him upset. Talk to him. Keep him focused on you.


"Leal... would you like to talk now?" I'm sorry, Jaimin... I don't know what else to do...


"Save it, Claire. He's not interested. You had your chance. Put your big, stupid doe-eyes away or I'll do it for you, and you'll never be able to look at anyone that way again."

"Don't talk to her that way!"

"She's trying to manipulate you."

"She's not doing anything!"

"She doesn't have to. You lose focus just by looking at her. She knows that. I'm here to make sure you don't. Makeover time." She turns and leaves the room, leaving him glowering after her.

She's insane. Talk to him. NOW.


"I know you're upset with me... but Nadine has nothing to do with this. It's between us. I'm listening now. Talk to me. Please don't let her hurt me."

"She's just trying to scare you. Don't pay any attention to her."

"Why is she here? Is that what you want? Do you want me to be scared?"

"Forget her. I want you to want me."

Tell him you do.


No.

Yes.


He's not stupid. He'd know it was a lie.

"I want you to be happy, Leal."

"I can't be happy, Claire. Not without you. Not since you left me. Please come back. It will be different. I'll be different. I'll be better. Just give me a chance. I'll give you everything you want. I'll make you happy. I promise I will. You'll see. Just one more chance? Please?"

"You're pathetic," Nadine snarls, as she comes back. "Since when has begging her ever gotten you anywhere? Making yourself weak won't work with her. Her boyfriend is a complete asshole... He's cocky and arrogant... He bosses her around... He probably tosses her around... You saw the bruises on her arm... Wake up. Weak won't work. She apparently likes it rough. So, let's give her what she likes."

"I told you to shut your mouth! You're not going to give her anything!"

"There you go. That's the right approach. But use it on her, not me. Now, is there anything you'd like her to do for you? While her face is still pretty? She'll never do it willingly, and God knows she won't do it well, but you've waited a long time, and she's hardly in a position to refuse. I can wait for you to make one of your fantasies come true before I redecorate her face. Hell, she might even try... she's selfish enough to think she could manipulate you into letting her stay pretty."

Makeover? Redecorate my face? He wouldn't let her... Would he? Maybe he would... he hinted at it in his note... the flowers...  Maybe he can't bring himself to do it... Is that why she's here?

Why is he looking at me like that? Why isn't he saying anything? Is he really considering? Oh. But he... Please, no...

My voice is barely a whisper, "Leal? That's not who you are. You're kind... and gentle... I don't think you want to hurt me. You'd never take anything from me. She's trying to confuse you... "

"Shut up, Claire. You don't know him as well as you think you do. People change. People get hurt. People have limits to how much hurt they can take. You hurt him too much. You hurt me too much. And now we're going to hurt you. It's fair. And there's nothing you can do to change it."

She grins at me... it's... deranged. She pulls her hand from behind her back... she's holding a knife. She waves it at me and laughs.

He looks at it and takes a step towards me. I can't read his movement. Is it protective? Or something else... I'm not sure he even knows.

I don't know what to do. Jaimin, where are you?


Even if they don't kill me... he won't want me like that. Mutilated.

I'd rather die.

What are you doing? Don't give up. Nothing's happened yet. 


"You should see your face, Claire. I wish your mother was here to see it. Of course, you're still too selfish to shed tears... but that will change. You'll cry. Do you know why? Because it will hurt. Would you like to know what I'm going to do to you?"

No. "I want to know why? Why do you hate me so much? I've never done anything to you, Nadine. I've never hurt you. I've never taken anything from you... "

"Never taken anything from me? Are you really so self-centered that you don't even know? You have taken from me... You've taken so much... far too much. My parents... they love you more than me. You didn't have your own, so you took mine. And every man I've ever wanted... "

"That's not true. You didn't want them until they were already mine. You're the one that tried to take from me. You're blaming me that they didn't want to be taken. That's twisted."

"Jaimin wasn't yours. You'd never even met him. I met him countless times. I wanted him first. You took him from me!"

Change the subject. Let it go. Leal won't like this.


He needs to see how twisted she is.

"How could I take him from you? You never had him."

"I could have if he'd never seen your stupid face!"

"You had opportunities, Nadine. He didn't want you. Don't blame me for that."

"I do blame you. And you're going to pay the price."

"Pay the price for what? You don't even like him. You said yourself he's an asshole."

"An insignificant detail. Nice try, though."

"It doesn't make sense. Something I've never quite understood... if you're so angry with me... because you think I took him from you... why did you try to help him hold on to me?"

"Because I wanted him to hurt you!"

"Hurt me?"

"From the minute you met him, you were affected. I knew you were no match for him. For the first time, someone had come along that could hurt you. You fell for him fast and hard. His possessiveness and controlling manner were the only things that might have sent you running. But they didn't.

I figured he'd stop being so entranced by your face when he saw how ugly the rest of you was. And frankly, that he'd get bored with your sweetness. A man like that doesn't wait. I thought he'd leave you. I thought he'd break your heart. I wanted him to stick around long enough to ensure you'd fall completely in love with him before he left you. Because I wanted you to feel pain. He was supposed to be different! He wasn't supposed to fall in love with you! He was supposed to hurt you! You fuck up everything! You take everything!

I don't know how you do it... I don't know what it is about you that they can't resist. But I'll start with your face. It's the most obvious. I'll destroy it. You'll be lost without your pretty.

You'll try to heal yourself, though. You'll lock yourself away... paint away the pain...

Leal will take care of that. He hates your hands, did you know that? He came second to what you did with them. Or third... You come first. Then painting. Then everyone and everything else has to fight for a spot...

And you wouldn't touch him with those hands... except to push him away. I'm not sure what he has planned for you... I don't think he's decided yet. Shatter all of your bones? Sever all of your nerves? I told him he should just cut them off... your hands... he thought that was a bit much. He's a little soft. In any case... whatever he decides... you'll never be able to use them again. You'll never paint again. I hope your last was a masterpiece, because you'll never hold a brush again."

It was. It was him.

"Your eyes will be next. You do too much damage with them. The last things you'll see will be your hideous face and your mangled hands. And the faces of the people you hurt so much that they took them away from you.

Anyway, that's enough for now. The rest will be a surprise. You'll have to feel your way through it... it's not like you'll be able to see it coming."

Her deranged laughter fills the air. It's like a hammer on my throbbing skull.


Don't give her any ideas.


Tell me about it.

Why is he so quiet? I look at him, hoping to see any trace of the man I once knew, the man he was before his obsession with me took him down a dark path. Is it too late? Can he come back? Does he feel anything good for me anymore? Anything that will stop him from hurting me? Anything that will stop her? I don't know. His eyes give nothing away. He seems... disconnected. That can't be good.

Reconnect him.


How?

Offer him something.


Like?

You.

No.

Not even in exchange for your life?


No.

Don't you think Jaimin would want you to do anything you could to keep yourself alive?


I don't know... No. Not that.

I think you're wrong. 


No.


You'd do it for him.


That's different.

Losing you will kill him.


He's strong.

He'll blame himself.


I know that!

He might take it anyway.


He's moving...

He takes a deep breath and reaches down to brush his thumb across my lip. "Do you know how long it's been since I've touched someone, Claire?"

Oh no... 


His fingers shake as he moves them slowly down my neck. "Do you?"

"No... Leal, please... "

"It's about time!" Nadine sneers from beside the bed, "You don't mind if I watch, do you?"

"Get. Out."

"Not a chance, lover boy."

"Do what I say or I'll finish what he started."

I follow his eyes to her throat and see the bruises starting to form. I don't have the slightest question who he is.

"Don't threaten me, asshole. I'm the one with the knife."

"Give it your best shot. You'll only get one."

Knife or not, she leaves the room. She knows he's...

Don't, Claire. 


His attention is back on me as soon as she's gone. "Do you know how long it's been since I've felt a woman's touch?"

I shake my head and watch him reach above me to run his fingers over mine and grip my hands in his. "One of the few things you ever let me do... hold your delicate hands. Touch me back, Claire... just acknowledge that you feel me."

"I don't. I can't feel my hands. They're numb... "

His eyes turn sad as he straddles me and starts to untie me. "I'm sorry. We don't need this anymore. You won't try to run... because that would make me angry... and you don't want to do that, do you?"

"No."

"Good." He finishes unwrapping the rope from around my wrists and pulls my arms down, holding my hands in his again, massaging them gently. "There. How's that? Better?"

Be nice.

"Yes. Thank you."

"How's your head?"

"It hurts."

"I don't want to hurt you, Claire. I never wanted to hurt you... You know that, don't you? Just don't make me angry, and everything will be okay. I promise. You trust me don't you?"

No...

Lie!


He won't believe me.

Make him believe you! This isn't Jaimin... Lie, Claire.


"Yes, but... "

But? What are you doing?


"But what?"

"It's not just you. If she wasn't here... but she is... "

"I told you not to worry about her."

"I know, but... "

He puts his finger to my lips to silence me, and smiles at me, leaning low over me. "She's afraid of me. She thinks I'm crazy."

You are...

"Why is it so quiet in here? Not that I'm surprised... she probably put you to sleep. Oh... or not. Typical man... Want me to show her how to do that? I... WHY THE FUCK IS SHE UNTIED?"

"I told you to get out."

"Play time is over. It's not my problem if she couldn't get you aroused. My turn."

"GET. OUT!"

"No. No more games. I want her!"

"You can't have her!"

"Apparently, the only one who can't is you. Because you're not man enough. It's a good thing you didn't whip it out... she probably would have just laughed at you. I doubt you compare to what she has at home. Isn't that right, Claire? Tell him. Tell him he could never measure up. Tell him he's not a man."

"Is that what you think, Claire?"

She's getting in his head.


"No. Of course not."

"Now she's just lying to you because she's scared."

"Are you lying to me?"

"No. Please stop listening to her. I don't make comparisons of any kind. You're different people. And as far as that, I don't have knowledge of either of you."

"You lying little bitch!"

He hasn't moved off of me yet, or let go of my hands, but now he cups my chin and glares at me. "Don't talk to me like I'm an idiot, Claire. You spend the night with him every night."

"I'm not... That's true."

"You were moving in with him."

"Yes."

"And you expect me to believe he hasn't had you?"

He is not Jaimin! Interpretation is not important!


"Yes I do, because that's the truth."

"She's lying! That's not even possible!"

He looks at me intently, and a smile starts to form itself on his lips. "Of course it's possible. I waited. A man knows when something is worth it. He knows. She's not lying. My girl is still sweet."

My girl?

He's happy. Happy is good. We can handle happy. Let him call you whatever he wants.


"How nauseating. Maybe she'll bleed pink for you. Now, tie her back up and get off."


"Go home, Nadine."

"WHAT?"

"You heard me. Get out of here."

"I'm not going anywhere! I helped you get her here! That asshole choked the shit out of me because of you! I risked everything to get what I want and I'm getting it!

I don't even care if she's not tied... leave her... let her fight... it'll just make it more fun when I cut her up. Now get off of her and move away! You can have what's left of her when I'm done, since you're not man enough to take it from her now."

"You're not going to touch her. Walk away, Nadine. While you still can."

"You'd have to leave her to do something to me. Then she'd get away. Because you untied her. You're nuts, but not that nuts. You want her too much. You'll let me do what I want before you let her leave you again. And everyone in this room knows it."

She takes a step towards the bed, the knife extended in her hand, and I feel his body stiffen on top of me. His eyes are locked on her, but he speaks to me. "Claire... I'm going to get up now. And you're going to stay right where you are. You can sit up if you want to. In fact, I'd like you to. But nothing more. Do you understand me?"

"Yes."

"And, baby?"

Let it go. Just answer him.


"Yes?"

"If she hurts me... RUN."

He climbs off of me, never taking his eyes off of her, and reaches for my hand one more time. I give it to him, and squeeze gently. He stills for a brief second and lets go. I scramble to sit up, my head feeling like it weighs a thousand pounds, and I teeter sideways as the whole room spins around me. I really hope I don't have to run...

Don't get too attached to that thought.


I watch her move closer, the temptation to hurt me stronger than her fear of his crazy. His body shifts with her movement. It's clear this time. Protective. He won't let her hurt me.

"Take one more step and it will be your last."

"There's no going back now, Leal. What do you think? You think you're going to walk out of here with her? You think she's sitting there willingly because she wants you? The only reason she's here is because you knocked her unconscious and took her. The only reason she isn't trying to run is because she's more afraid of me right now than she is of you. Because she manipulated you into protecting her from me. She's stupid enough to think you can. But you can't. I'll kill you. Then she'll be all mine. You told her to run... but she can barely sit up. Because you hurt her. She won't get away. And she won't be kept here out of love. As delusional as yours for her is... My hatred for her is stronger than anything you feel. And she'll feel every bit of it. While you lay dead. Every ounce of pain she feels... every moment of fear... every second of unbearable torture... until her death, she'll blame you for. She knows it now. She hates you. She hates you for taking her from him. And she hates you for letting me have her. You're going to die for her. Because you love her. And she hates you."

"You don't have her, Nadine. You want her, but you'll never have her. Only one of us is going to die. It won't be her, and it won't be me. Not by your hand. You'll finally get to take something from her. Just like you've always wanted. Because you're right... there's no going back now. It's too late. Only one of us will walk out of here. Come on, Nadine... You want her so bad you can taste her... What are you waiting for? She's right there... right behind me... make your last move."

He's going to kill her. She knows it. I can see it in her eyes. Her eyes that are looking only at me. She's going to die and her hatred for me will be what kills her. The hatred that has consumed her. This person whom I don't recognize. This person who once was my best friend. She's ill. I should have seen it. I overlooked the signs. I was too selfish to see. Too selfish to care. I knew she was jealous. I knew she wanted what I had. I knew she'd tried to take from me. But it didn't matter. Because I knew she couldn't. It was easy to be her friend... because I didn't give that much. I never gave very much. To anyone. And they all loved me anyway. Even her. She didn't always hate me. I know that. She knows that. But it doesn't matter now.

No... there's no going back. It's much, much too late for that.

I'm going to watch her die.

And I'm not afraid.

I feel nothing for the life that will end before my eyes.

No sorrow.

No sadness.

Only joy.

That it's hers and not mine.

For now...

I'm selfish.

It's what I've always been.

It's what I am.

Those who try to take from me get hurt.

Let them hurt.

Hurt...

Pain.

It happened so fast...

She lunged for me...

He grabbed her...

Spun her away from me...

Her arm flailing wildly...

The knife seeking purchase in her hand...

As she crashed down at my feet...

I was in the way...

I kicked out...

Instinct...

Stupid...

I didn't need to.

He had it under control.

Pain.

I kicked straight into the blade.

I screamed.

Blood.

A growl from deep in his chest. He pulled it out.

Blood poured.

A lot of blood.

She laughed. Maniacally.

At my blood.


The laughter stops...

The knife now stuck in her chest.

Her eyes are wide.

Her mouth open.

Gasping for air.

Gurgling.

My name.

Then nothing.

Only her blood.

And my cold, unfeeling, selfish heart.

And Leal. Who looks... calm.

He picks me up and carries me from the room, into the living room and onto the couch. He takes his shirt off and wraps it tightly around my foot, trying to stop the bleeding.

"I'm sorry, Claire. I didn't mean for you to get hurt. Nothing like that was supposed to happen... "

I look at him, but say nothing.

"You don't believe me."

Thunder cracks loud in the distance, as if to answer for me. Within seconds, the rain comes. I hear it on the roof. Against the windows. Pounding, drenching everything in it's path.

We're not alone.


I know.


                                                ~


It's storming. Hard. It came out of nowhere. I turn the wipers on the highest speed, but it's still not enough to give me a clear view of the street. I can't see a damn thing.

Nothing will ever be clear without her.

Where is she?


I've been driving for hours... Looking. For anything. Any sign. Any trace of her. But nothing.

Where the hell did he take her?

I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know where to look. I don't know where she could be. I don't know how to find her.

I'm lost.

Lost without her.

But I will find her.

I won't stop looking until I have her in my arms. If she'll let me...


God, Claire... where are you?



I'm so damn tired.

Exhausted.

Frustrated.

I'm driving in circles.

Accomplishing nothing.

She's out there somewhere...

Scared. Maybe hurt. Maybe worse...

And I'm driving around aimlessly in the rain.

I can't go home.

Not without her.

I can't feel anything but pain.

I never knew anything could hurt this much.

I've never felt so helpless.

I just want to feel something... anything but this pain.

I pull over and get out of my truck. I let the rain pummel me. I want it to numb the pain, but it only makes me think of her.

Claire likes the rain.

Can she see it?

Can she hear it?

Is this for her?

Did they send it?

To comfort her?

To wash away her ... what? Fear? Pain?

Does she need it now? The last time...

The chest. The letter. Nadine. Her mother.

Her mother.


That's...

Why didn't I think of it sooner? Why did I waste so much time?

I jump back in the truck, soaked to the bone, and dial Loring again. He answers on the first ring, speaking before I can say anything, "Why don't you get some sleep... I'll call you if there's anything... "

"Her parents' house!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Claire's parents. We've been looking at this wrong. It's not where your brother would take her... They did this together... Nadine wants to hurt her... The house is empty... Claire hasn't dealt with the estate... She doesn't want any part of it... Nadine would know that would torment her... to take her there... That's where they took her. That's where she is!"

"Maybe... Look, I'll check it out and... "

"You're delusional if you think I'm going to sit and wait."

"Where are you?"

"Driving."

"Do not go in that house! You wait for me!"

"She's waited long enough."


                                                 ~


"You think I wanted to hurt you? You think I would have let her? I protected you. It just went wrong."

"I know."

"She can't hurt you now."

"I know. But you can," I whisper.

"You're afraid of me?"

"Yes."

What the hell are you doing?


I don't know.

"You think I'm going to hurt you?"

"I... You said only one of us would walk out of here... "

"Yes, Claire. You."

"Me?"

"Well... you may have to be carried, but of course you. And soon, I promise. You need to get to a hospital... There's just a few things I need from you first."

No... please...

He reaches up to stroke my cheek and a shiver of fear runs through me. No...

"Don't misunderstand. I'm not going to hurt you. I'm not going to take anything from you. You've hurt enough. Far too much. Too much has been taken from you... "

I watch him get up and move across the room. He picks up my sweatshirt from behind a chair and walks back to me. "I know you're not mine. You belong to someone else." He looks at it in his hand and sighs. "Seeing you wear something of his... it made me so jealous... " He slips it carefully over my head, trying not to hurt me. He runs his fingers over the fading bruises on my arm and lets them fall, and I slip my hands through the sleeves. "Why did he hurt you? I need to know, Claire... I know he's what you want, but how can I let him have you back if he hurts you?"

"He didn't mean to. It wasn't like that. It was a misunderstanding... I acted like a brat... threw a tantrum... because I was confused... I tried to leave... He was just trying to hold on... Maybe you could understand that? I think you can."

Be careful. Don't push him too much.


His eyes are sad as he looks at me. He understands. "You love him?"

I don't know if you should...


"Yes, I do."

"I knew that already... Then stop running, Claire. We can be desperate, possessive creatures... when we can't bear to lose something. I lost you that way. It almost destroyed us both... I'm sorry...

But everything's going to be okay now. Don't let him hurt you. Stop being a brat... I know you well enough. Keep your little tantrum-throwing feet in place. I think you'll get your way if you do. How could he resist you?"

"You'd be surprised."

"A man still has to be a man. You need someone strong enough to be able to tell you no. Protect you in spite of what you want or think you need. That face of yours makes most men weak. I think you found someone strong enough. You're willing to listen. You're willing to give. That's how I knew I'd really lost you. I just couldn't accept it...

I'm sorry I did this. I just love you so much... too much... But I'm going to make it right for you now. Can I just ask for one more thing?"

Please not too much... "Okay."

He gets up and walks out of the room, heading towards the kitchen. When he comes back through the doorway, he has a knife in his hand. "Don't be scared. I won't hurt you." He walks back to me slowly, and sets it down on the coffee table and sits down on the edge of the couch, just in front of where my foot is propped on a pillow, soaking it with blood. He pulls his phone from the pocket of his jeans and hands it to me. "You have control, Claire. Call him... tell him where you are. I won't stop you. But can you do one thing for me? I know you don't owe it to me... I know I don't deserve it... but I'm asking... Can I just hold you? Just for a moment? Just feel you in my arms? One last time? Please?"

I look at his phone in my hand, and back to his face. His eyes are gentle now. Pleading. Is it too much? I don't know. Anything feels like too much. He's not Jaimin... He's the only one I want to hold me. It would betray him to say yes.

It's a small thing. Much less than what you thought he wanted.

He looks so sweet right now. Like the Leal he used to be. The man I cared for. The man that was gentle, and patient... before he started to change. Before he started to need too much. Before he got so possessive... He took my air away. He suffocated me. I couldn't breathe.

He really doesn't look crazy right now. 

But what's the knife for?

My eyes flit to it, I'm unable to stop myself. He touches my hand that holds his phone in a death grip. "You can make the call first. If you don't trust me. I know you don't understand. But I promise you... it's not there for you."

Not for me? "I'd rather you hurt me than him."

"No, baby... that's not what I meant. I won't do that to you. I'll never hurt you again, Claire. I guess you can't give me what I asked for... I deserve that."

"I'm not punishing you. That's not why. It just... "

"You love him too much."

I nod and a sad smile forms on his lips. "He's a very lucky man."

"I'm a pain in the ass."

"I know. Part of your charm. Call him. It's okay."

Something in his eyes...

I know what it's for now... "In a minute," I whisper softly, lightly touching his face.

He closes his eyes for a moment, leaning into my hand. "Thank you, Claire."

"Leal... "

"Just be happy. It's okay to let someone love you. I'm sorry I wasn't worthy. I wish... "

He lets his words trail off as the unmistakable sound of screeching tires fills the air. A door slams outside.

His body starts to tremble.

More screeching. Then another door. I lose count of how many...

I didn't need to call.

"Please forgive me," he whispers, and leans forward and kisses me softly on the top of my head.

I hear the pounding of footsteps on the wooden stairs. They're almost here.

He pulls me into his arms as the door flies open. "Don't be afraid," he whispers again, and reaches for the knife.

Jaimin's face is the first I see.

Relief. I'm alive.

Joy. He found me.


Pain. I'm hurt.


Confusion. The phone in my hand. Unused. His arms around me.


Jealousy. No, my love... don't...


Fear. The knife now against my throat.


Loring has his gun drawn. Pointed at his little brother.

So does his partner.

And others...

No... I can't let this happen. I won't let him do it. "He won't hurt me."

"Put it down, Leal. Drop it and let her go."

They're spreading through the house. From room to room. Looking for her. I know when they've found her.

Voices. Movement. Too many guns pointed at him...

"He was protecting me. She would have killed me. He had no choice.... "

He murmurs into my ear, "Shhhh... it's okay, baby."

"No. It's not okay... Don't do this...

Loring... Please... He won't hurt me... Don't you see what he's doing? You can't... "

"It's his choice, Claire."

"No. He's confused... He's lost... He needs help. You're his brother... You love him... "

"He knows that. He has to let you go. I can't help him if he doesn't let you go."

"Let go, Leal... please?" I plead.

"I can't."

"Yes you can. You said you wouldn't hurt me."

"I won't."

Jaimin starts walking slowly forward, "You will. Don't you see that? Look at her. You're hurting her now. You said she was selfish... But look at her... Listen to her... She cares for you. She's trying to save you. From them. From yourself. Because she cares. Doesn't that mean anything to you?

She told me you'd never hurt her. She believed that. She believed that you loved her. Loved her enough not to hurt her.

Don't be selfish, Leal. Don't do it to her. Don't do it to your brother.

Let her go. Give her to me. She's hurt enough. More than enough. Don't hurt her more. Love her enough."

"Don't take another step. You already have her. I just wanted to hold her... she wouldn't let me, because of you. But I'm holding her now... and you don't get to take her out of my arms. I won't let go. Not while I'm alive."

"You took something she didn't want to give you. You shouldn't have done that. But you have the chance to make up for it now. She asked you to let go."

"I can't. I won't live without her. You love her. And now you know what it feels like to lose her. You wouldn't let go. You hurt her too. You're no better than me. You're just the one she wants."

"You're right, I'm not. I'm not better. I'm not worthy of her either. But I do love her. And I don't want to see her hurt. You think it's easy for me to stand here and talk to you while you hold her? While you have a knife at her throat? You took her from me. You hurt her so you could take her. She's not here because she wants to be. She didn't have a choice. You took it away from her. You're still taking it.

That's the difference between you and me. Not that I'm good enough for her. I know I'm not. But she thinks I am. It's what she wants. She chose. If I was a good man, I'd walk out of her life. Because she deserves better. But I'm not. She doesn't want better. And as long as she wants me, I won't let her go. Because I'm selfish enough to take what she wants to give me. And because it would hurt her if I wasn't, no matter how wrong that is.

Let her go. You'll hurt her if you don't. Don't be that selfish."

"I can't. I did it once. I can't do it again."

"Look what you did to her. Look what you put her through. And look what she did for you. She tried to protect you. She doesn't want you to hurt. She's asking you not to hurt her.

I'm asking you not to hurt her, Leal. I want nothing more than to kill you right now... nothing more, except her. Her happy. You dead won't make her happy. I'll put her first. Because I love her enough. Do you?"

"Don't question my feelings for her! You don't know me!"

Loring's voice is stern, "Jaimin, back off. It's too late."

He's right. He can't be reasoned with. And I can't be selfless anymore. Not for him.

"Let me go. You don't get to do this. Not to me. Not for me." I try to pry his arms from around me, try to break free, the knife at my throat invisible in my mind.

Three voices. All at once. Two that want to protect me. One that just wants. The same words. "Don't, Claire."

"No... Let go! You don't want to live? Then don't live! Give up! Be weak! But you don't get to put that on me! I tried to care... just like before, but just like then, I'm done! I gave enough! You can't have any more from me! I'm selfish, remember? You can't guilt me. It's not my fault. I didn't do this to you. You did it to yourself. And I just don't care enough! You want them to shoot you? Fine. Make your move! Don't be a coward! You want your blood on me? You think that will mean something to me? Well, it won't. I'll wash it off and move on. Because that's who I am. So do something! Do it now and stop wasting my time! I'm tired of this shit! My head hurts and my foot hurts and it's your fault! I feel sick because your hands are on me! Who the hell do you think you are? You're not worthy of me! NOW DO SOMETHING OR LET ME GO!"

My struggle to break free suddenly becomes easy as the knife drops and his arms go slack. I scramble away from him and to my feet, but fall to the floor, the dizziness and pain too much. There's hurried movement all around me. Jaimin is there instantly to whisk me into his arms and away as they converge on him.

"You're wet," I say quietly into his neck.

"You're brave," he says quietly back, "but I should beat your ass for what you just did."

"As you see fit," I whisper, as the rain pelts my face. "I knew you'd find me."

A gunshot explodes behind us, the sound deafening, piercing the air and my pounding head. It's over. He was just too weak.

I don't feel bad. I can't. That kind of weakness makes me sick. One more person in my life that wasn't strong enough. The last one.

Weakness doesn't surround me now. Jaimin isn't weak. He's strong. And he found me. He's here. His strong arms are around me and I'm safe again. I don't have to fight anymore. I don't have to be strong now. He'll do it for me. I snuggle against him, and close my eyes. I don't need to see. He'll be there when I open them again. I know he will.

His hold on me tightens as the paramedics try to take me from him. "Sir, you have to let go. Let us take care of her."

"It's okay... " I murmur, "You can let go... just this once."