Clear and Bright: Chapter Nine: Damage

                                              
                                 
I'm out of my apartment a bit earlier than usual this morning, since I've been cut off from my Monday morning ritual of 'to go' breakfasts. That's more than fine with me, it no longer appeals to me to take it anywhere.

I'm anxious. I miss him. His busy Saturday turned into a busy Sunday as well, and I haven't seen him since he deposited me and the fruits of our shopping trip at home. I don't have the slightest idea what to do with any of it, and even though he left explicit written instructions for that evening's dinner... I was overwhelmed. I had a cheese sandwich, which upon confessing, I was thoroughly scolded for. I've never put up with that from anyone before. Ever. The things I put up with now...

I'd woken up in the morning to find him watching me. We'd slept in his bed, much too innocently, though blissfully, just holding each other. I wanted to ask him what he was thinking, but I kept quiet. If he wanted to share his thoughts with me, he would. We laid there looking into each other's eyes for a long time, not needing to speak.

It wasn't long enough, we needed to get moving. He had a hectic day in front of him, but needed to know that I wouldn't starve in his absence. I wanted to point out that I'd managed not to for a very long time without him, but I made a promise to myself to keep a lid on my smart mouth. Well... for one day, anyway. I'm still waiting for that lesson he promised, anxiously and shamelessly, but there simply isn't time today.

I enjoyed our shopping trip, other than the fact that he wouldn't let me pay for any of it - something about insulting him as a man... I conceded quickly, I wanted to have a good day.

Our outing was a big step for him. It's a simple thing, but he's never spent that kind of time with anyone before. I don't think he let go of me once... if he wasn't holding my hand, he had his hand possessively on my back. He shot daggers at anyone who looked at me, and pulled me closer each time.


I've dealt with my share of jealous, possessive men. Everyone I've ever been with was that way. I've never liked it. I didn't understand it. They had nothing to be jealous of. Nadine always said I could turn the most gentle man into a crazed lunatic. Unfortunately, my history of overbearing boyfriends only seemed to prove she was right.

Jaimin is no different. If anything, he's even more intense than anyone I've ever known. It would have bothered me before, would have led me to my running path. Not this time. Not him. His gestures only made me feel adored and protected. I rolled my eyes at him a few times, when he was particularly affectionate in a manner that seemed  to be a show of marking his territory. I have to admit it was kind of cute, though I'd never tell him that. He arrogantly offered no apology. I, in turn, offered no resistance, to his unmasked pleasure. I reminded myself repeatedly that this is new for him. I can give him that much. It was a good day. He wore the most beautiful smile the entire morning, and I couldn't look at him without my legs turning to Jello. He was genuinely happy and I knew I was the reason.

I'm smiling at that thought as I enter Jouissance. It's more pleasant than recalling the angry, irritated state I left him in last night when I wouldn't let him pick me up to sleep at his apartment. I was in Selfish-Claire mode. It was his first glimpse of that part of me. He didn't like it. I hope he's over it this morning. I'm about to find out.

"Good morning, Claire. Thank goodness you're here. You can save us all."

"Good morning, Michel. Save you?"

"He's in a terrible mood this morning. I trust you can change that. We've been holding our collective breath waiting for you."

Crap. He's not over it. I'm now looking at several pairs of hopeful eyes. They clearly don't know that I'm responsible for the unpleasant start to their day. I think I'll keep that to myself.

"I'll do my best," I say cheerily.

Michel holds out his arm, "Allow me to escort you back to the kitchen."

Hoping I don't regret it, I decide to be playful. Maybe he'll be amused enough to forget he's angry. "Actually, let's have a little fun with him. Tell him I'm here and that I want my usual indulgence. Then tell him I want it to go."

Hopeful eyes have turned to horrified ones in a split second.

"If he were in a pleasant mood, then that might indeed be fun, but..."

I interrupt him before he can finish. I still think it's the best way. "Please, Michel? I'll take full responsibility if he doesn't see the humor in it."

He clearly doesn't want to, but he honors my request. I feel slightly guilty that I'm sending him into the lion's den, but hopefully he'll take it out on me instead of him if he's angry.

I hear the unmistakable sound of shattering china and wonder if I've made a mistake. Well, I thought it was funny...

A moment later, Michel comes out wide-eyed and Jaimin appears in the doorway behind him, dripping with arrogance. It takes everything I have not to laugh. I think he's trying to look menacing, but damn, if it isn't the sexiest thing I've ever seen. His sudden smirk tells me that my face has given me away. It also tells me that he isn't angry. Crisis averted.

"Come here," he orders in a stern voice.

A shiver runs up my spine at his simple command.

I know that my face has betrayed me again when he chuckles and adds "If you've got any legs. Do I need to come and get you?"

Ugh! He's so arrogant! I have very little faith in my legs, but I'll be damned if I give him the satisfaction. I say a silent prayer and walk purposefully toward him.

"Once again, you should get over yourself. You beckoned, Sir?"

"Sir? Now, that one I like."

"You wish."

He laughs wickedly, and says "We'll see about that," pulling me into his lair of culinary heaven.

I hear laughter. I'd forgotten that we had an audience. He clears his throat loudly and is met with quiet. It also serves to clear the kitchen, leaving us alone.

"You seem to have a well-oiled signal in place. Perhaps they're accustomed to you bringing women in here?"

"You have a smart mouth."

"So I'm told."

His eyes narrow angrily and he takes a deep breath, exhaling with a huff. "I'm going to say this once, so listen carefully. I have never brought a woman in here. Nor have I ever taken a woman into my office, with the exception of you. I have never allowed anyone to carry anything out of this restaurant, least of all breakfast. I don't serve breakfast. We are here early on Mondays for special deliveries. Those doors are supposed to be locked. The first morning you came here, I was here cooking only as a special favor to my mother. The door had been inadvertently left unlocked. You came in. One of my staff was so smitten by you that I was tricked into preparing your request. He wrapped it and allowed you to take it, unbeknownst to me. The weekly ritual that followed can only be explained by my arrogance. You could have gone to any number of places and ordered your breakfast, but you didn't. You came back here. You wanted mine. You were willing to go to great lengths to get that plate. It amused me. My intention was never to let you have it. It infuriated me that you always got your way. I put an exorbitant price tag on it, sure you would give up. You didn't bat an eye. I was sure you were crazy. And self-centered. And spoiled. It became a game. You wanted to play. You wanted to win. I was willing to let you, but you were sure as hell going to play by my rules. I've always had rules, Claire. You're the only person I've ever broken them for. You're the only exception. Now, is there anything else you'd like to accuse me of or make assumptions about?"

Well. Okay, then. "I... "

"You what?" his tone is harsh.

"I... nothing. I'm sorry. Would you like me to leave?"

"That's a ridiculous question, Claire. I'm not going to dignify it with an answer. Anything else?"

"I'm not spoiled."

"Yes, you are. Next."

"I'm not self-centered."

"No? Then why is it, in all of this time, that you never once noticed that there was never anyone else in the restaurant?"

"I don't know."

"Precisely", he says with a satisfied smirk.

"You don't know me well enough to say those things. You're wrong. And I don't know what you're doing over there, but if it's for me, don't bother. I'm leaving."

"Is this how it works? Spoiled little Claire doesn't like something so she runs away?"

"I haven't liked plenty of things, I didn't go anywhere."

"Yes, but those things were about me. Now that it's about you, it's different. Spoiled and self-centered. You're only proving my point. And it is for you. Now, sit down. No need to run and bother mommy with any big bad wolf stories."

He pulls a stool from somewhere behind a doorway in the rear of the kitchen and sets it near the counter; he has a place set there with a single rose. He was waiting for me. I hadn't noticed it until now.

"Congratulations, you're finally right about something. All I ever was was a bother to her. And if you think I'm such a terrible person, why do you want me here?"

He looks at me now, and his cocky demeanor falls away. His eyes grow serious and his voice soft, "I don't think you're a terrible person. I didn't say that, Claire. You're a bit of a brat, but I happen to find that adorable most of the time."

He stops, and cocks his head slightly. He's thinking about something. I wait.

"I think maybe I haven't paid close enough attention to your words. I'm sorry about that. You said you lived with your grandparents for a long time... but your mother... are your parents still alive?"

"Yes."

"Why weren't you with them?"

"They didn't want me."

The sadness in his face is heartbreaking. It hurts far more than the reality of my own words. He tenderly cups my face in his hands as he whispers "How could anyone not want you? What kind of monsters must they be? How could they not see how special you are? It's unfathomable."

"You think I'm a self-centered, spoiled brat."

"I'm an asshole."

I give him a small smile. "Sometimes."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too."

"Will you tell me about it? How you grew up? I think it would help me understand you better."

"Yes, but not now. There isn't time. I'm going to be late. I don't like to be late. You make me irresponsible."

"Give me three minutes. You're not leaving here without what you came for."

"I came here for you. I missed you."

Oh, there's that smile. Put a fork in me, I'm done. I think now's a good time to sit down, before my legs fail me.

"I missed you too, but you already knew that."

I smile at him, but don't respond. I do know. I watch him prepare my breakfast and think of his earlier words. I'm the only exception. He makes me feel special. I know to him I am.

He sets my plate in front of me, and plants a sweet kiss on my cheek. "Three minutes, as promised."

I give him a worried, wide-eyed expression as I pick up my fork, "Thank you. Hmmm... I hope I have more than three minutes to look forward to?" 

His laughter fills the air. It's a beautiful sound. He lifts my chin with the tip of his finger as he says "There's that smart mouthed little brat I adore. Have faith, sweetheart. Why do you think I'm so intent on feeding you? You're going to need your strength. EAT." He winks at me and I know it's a good thing that I'm sitting. A really good thing.

                                                  

"Claire, I mean no disrespect, but are you crazy?"

"Just because I don't take it with me anymore doesn't mean everything has changed. This is still a business establishment."

"Yes, but you're his... his... I'm sorry, I don't know what I should call you? In any case, you are, and I am not taking one penny from you."

"I want to pay for my breakfast like I always do. Have you been ordered not to accept money from me?"

"I can't allow you to do that. No, I haven't, but I believe it's implied. Please just go?"

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY TO HER?"

Jaimin's entrance startles us both. Of course he only heard the last part and misunderstood. Angrily.

"I apologize, Sir, I was just... well... I mean... "

Oh, what have I done? "It's okay, Michel. I'm sorry to have troubled you. I'll deal with him directly."  I smile sweetly at Jaimin, hoping to give Michel a chance to escape.

"Did you just ask her to leave?"

"No, Sir. Well, yes, Sir, but I didn't mean... "

This is painful and it's all my fault. Jaimin is fuming. I think he's about to fire him. I have to interject, "You misunderstood. You didn't hear the rest of our conversation. He was merely doing what he thought was best. He wasn't asking me to leave... "

He interrupts me before I can finish. His words are to Michel, "I know what I heard. You've got five seconds to explain yourself or you're dismissed."

"Please let me explain? He didn't do anything. I... "

I'm again cut off, "Claire, please be quiet. I'm asking him. Do not interfere."

Shit!

"She wanted to pay, Sir. I realize I haven't received any instruction from you on this issue, I made my own judgement in this instance and attempted to persuade her to go without doing so. I wasn't asking her to leave. I assure you I would never do such a thing. Sir."

He gives me a stern look before turning back to Michel, "I see. Your judgement was absolutely correct. I apologize for the misunderstanding."

"No apology necessary, Sir." Michel excuses himself, giving me a sympathetic look that Jaimin can't see.

He does not look happy. I smile at him and he shakes his head at me. Nope, definitely not happy.

"Claire."

Only he could sound cocky just by saying my name. "Yes?"

"I thought you'd left. You couldn't wait a few minutes for me to escort you, yet here you still are getting into mischief."

I wait, thinking he's going to continue, but nothing. When I don't respond, he gets impatient.

"Are you listening to me?"

"Yes."

"I expect you to answer me."

"You didn't ask me anything."

"Don't be smart. I almost fired my most valuable employee because you insist on being difficult."

"I tried to explain, you told me to be quiet. And I wasn't being difficult. I just wanted to pay for my breakfast."

"Do you really think there's a chance in hell that I would allow that? And , for God's sake, think before you give me some smart-mouthed answer."

"Jaimin, please... I don't want to fight with you. I've hardly seen you for days, and I really do miss you. This morning didn't exactly go as I'd hoped and now I have to go and I don't want to leave with you upset with me. I'm not trying to be smart, and I don't want to upset anyone or cause any more problems. I'm sorry. I won't ask again, although I don't think it's so unreasonable that I did. I'm used to taking care of myself. I certainly didn't mean any disrespect by it. I swear I didn't."

"What am I going to do with you?"

"I'd make a suggestion, but it would probably get me in trouble."

"Probably."

I look sweetly up at him, "Are we okay?"

"As if I could ever look into your big brown eyes and say no?"

"I hope not."

"Did I tell you how beautiful you are?"

"Not today."

"That's unacceptable." He takes my face in his hands and looks at me intensely, "You are beautiful."

"Thank you. I'm also late."

"That's because you're stubborn. And just so we're clear... you pay for nothing here. I've taken enough of your money. More than enough. That was also because you're stubborn. This is not up for negotiation. Understood?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Don't tease, sweetheart. You don't want me to get used to that."

"You wish."

He gives a soft chuckle and kisses my forehead as he asks, "Can I take you to the gallery?"

"No, you're busy. I've taken up more than enough of your time. You stay here, I'll be fine. I'll see you later."

"Have a good day, beautiful."

                                                  ~

"May I speak with Jaimin, please?"

"Who may I ask is calling?"

"Nadine. Tell him it's important."

"One moment. I'll see if he's available."

"Nadine? Is Claire alright?"

"Yes, don't be alarmed, she's fine. I wondered if I could speak with you for a few moments?"

"About?"

"About our girl."

"Our girl? What makes you think I'm going to share her?"

"She was mine first. And that's what I want to talk to you about. Can you come down to the gallery?"

"You're going to have to be more precise than that. Where's Claire?"

"She's out. I'd like to take advantage of the opportunity. Can you come?"

"Where is she?"

"Out. Can you focus, please?"

"WHERE IS SHE?"

"I SAID SHE'S OUT. Can you stop being a jealous control-freak for three seconds? She doesn't like that, you know. Now, getting back to the point of my call... we don't have much time. I would like to speak to you privately while she's away. Can you come down here or not? I would have just come there, but in case she were to stop to see you before she comes back here, I don't think that would look right. I don't want her to know. At least if she were to come here and find you, she would just assume that you came to see her and waited."

"I don't know what you're up to, but I don't like it. I'm not going to be a party to whatever you're trying to do behind her back. You should have more respect for her than that."

"You misunderstand me. Claire is my best friend. I love her. I want her to be happy. I think you can make her happy, IF you don't fuck it up. I think I can help you."

"I don't need your help."

"I think you do."

"A difference of opinion. I will tell her about this conversation. Have a nice day, Nadine."

"You're already blowing it!"

"What?"

"Okay. Now that I have your attention, listen to me. Claire's a runner. You may as well have handed her a new pair of shoes and a map to the nearest exit. If she means as much to you as I think she does, you should at least be willing to hear what I have to say. I know her better than anyone. I'm on your side, Jaimin. I don't want to see you fail. For either of you. What do you say? A few minutes? For Claire?"

"That's very clever, Nadine, making it for her."

"It's only clever if it works."

"I'll hear you out."

"See you soon."

                                                ~

"Okay, I'm here. Talk."

"Let's go in my office..."

"Here or not at all. I won't have her walking in here and misinterpreting anything."

"I admire the way you think when it comes to her."

"I want to know where she is."

"Then ask her when she comes back. But be careful."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"One of the reasons I wanted to talk to you. You're making the same mistakes that every man has made with her. Ahhh... you don't like that, the mere mention of other men makes you seethe."

"Get to the point."

"Of course there have been others, Jaimin. Claire is very beautiful. There isn't a day that goes by that someone doesn't come in here and trip over themselves at the sight of her. She's used to it. She's unphased by it. She knows what she looks like. As do you. People will always notice. Men will always notice. You're going to have to accept it. If you can't, or don't, your jealousy will push her away. Don't push her. She's always leaning, ready... once she runs, you won't get her back. She never goes back.

They've all been jealous. Unnecessarily so. She's very loyal. If she's with you, she's with you. It's that simple with her. She can have any man she wants. If she chooses you, be grateful. If you don't, there will always be someone waiting who will. At least until she casts her spell and renders them irrational. It's an inevitable turn of events, always with the same conclusion. I'd like to see you break the pattern. You don't have to lose her. You just have to decide if keeping her is worth it to you. I realize it's a bit soon, but I don't think time in it's practical sense means anything to you. The heart doesn't know time."

"Keeping her is worth everything to me. Why are you so convinced that I can't? And why now? Do you know something that I don't? I'm fairly certain that she was happy when she left me this morning."

"She was very happy. But I know her. She mentioned a few things throughout the day... I saw warning signs, so I'm warning you. Look... I'm going to say something now - she'd kill me if she knew. Hell, she'd kill me if she knew I was doing this at all, but I'll take that chance - I think you're in love with her. I apologize if I'm wrong or overstepping, but I don't think I am. Not about the first part, anyway. Like I said, the heart doesn't know time. I'm not surprised by it... every man she's ever been with has fallen in love with her, nearly immediately. It's impossible not to love her. There's only one exception to that in her life, and that person wasn't worthy of her..."

"Her mother."

"She's told you about her?"

"Not specifically. Not yet. I'm putting pieces together."

"I see. Yes, her. That's her story to tell, but I'll say this... because it's something else I wanted to talk to you about. An unwanted little girl found a place for herself. Don't punish her for that. She will disappear sometimes, to that place. She can't help it. Claire is a wonderful person, but she can be selfish. You have to love her enough to understand it. You have to accept it. From what I gather, you met that girl last night. It's part of who she is... if you don't like her, you will lose her. That part of her came from a little girl's need to protect herself. She won't give that up. She can't. Not for anyone.

They all wanted her to put them first. They couldn't stand that there was a part of her she wouldn't share. They were jealous of everything, even the time she spent with herself. They all wanted and needed too much from her, of her. She couldn't give it. They couldn't stop demanding. They couldn't help wanting everything she was. She left. Every one of them. I don't want to see that happen to you."

"Stop talking about other men."

"And they were all intense and overbearing. Like you. Although, you probably put them all to shame in that respect. That's not a good thing. You should try to contain your ego before your head explodes.

Which reminds me.... has she shown you?"

"I'm confident that I put them all to shame in all respects. STOP TALKING ABOUT OTHER MEN.

Don't roll your eyes at me. I don't like that. Has she shown me what?"

"I know Claire. It can't be an unfamiliar sight to you."

"Of course it isn't. You're not Claire. HAS SHE SHOWN ME WHAT?"

"Perhaps you're more tolerant of her than I realize. That's a good thing. If she thinks she's a constant source of irritation to you, that will send her running as well. Patience will serve you well. Maybe there's hope for you after all.

Oh... and I was referring to the piece she painted of your exploding head."

"I have a lot of hope. Claire has a long leash. My WHAT?"

"Leash? The hope just went up in flames. I was clearly wrong about you. Forget it, I'm no longer interested in helping you. I'm going to tell her you said that. Nice knowing you. ASSHOLE."

"It was a metaphor. And I will inform Claire of this entire conversation. I'm not the one hiding. DON'T PLAY WITH ME. Are you going to answer my question?"

"What question?" I ask as I come in to find my two favorite people shooting daggers at each other. What in the world is going on?

"Hello, beautiful. Nadine and I were just having a chat. She thinks I'm an asshole."

"Nadine?" I raise an inquisitive brow at my friend. I know without asking that asshole was spoken, not implied. What I can't imagine is why? She likes him. Or, at least, she did an hour ago.

Her voice is high and outraged, "I am NOT the bad guy here! He said he had you on a leash!"

Now I get it. He unknowingly hit a sore spot with her. "Did he now?"

"Claire... sweetheart... let me... "

I cut off his attempt to explain himself, I'm sure whatever he said was taken out of context. "A leash? Hmmm... well, not yet, but I might be willing to discuss it." I give him a playful wink as I watch his eyes go wide.

"MARRY ME."

His face is priceless. I'm laughing so hard, I can barely get the words out. "Not for less than three carats."

"I have never adored you more. And I'll keep that in mind."

He's smiling, but something in his eyes knocks the floor out from under me. What the...

"Don't be so surprised, Claire. I'd ask you now if I had the required three carat accompaniment. And if I thought you'd say yes."

I'm staring at him open-mouthed. He's serious. There's not a doubt in my mind that he's serious. Holy fuck.

Nadine breaks my stunned silence, "There's a jeweler on the next block. Tiffany & Co., to be exact. Why don't you take your very deep pockets over there and come back here and show her what you're made of?"

I think I'll strangle her. When I feel better... it's suddenly very warm. No... not warm. Hot. Stifling. I can't breathe. The room is spinning. Jaimin is saying something, but I can't quite make it out... something about marrying an asshole... everything is out of focus... I hear my name, I think... and then...

                                                      ~

"Oh, thank God", he says, worry unmistakable in his voice. 

I'm momentarily confused, but when my eyes focus, I know I'm flat on my back on the couch in my office. Two concerned pairs of eyes are watching me intently. Why am I.... oh. Oh. I remember now... 

I attempt to sit up, but gentle hands instantly reach out to hold me in place. Nadine speaks softly, "No, honey, please just lie still. You fainted. Thank God Jaimin was fast enough to catch you before you hit your head, but you were out for a few minutes. Give yourself a chance to rest and get your bearings."

"I'm sorry." My voice sounds weak, even to me. I feel stupid.

Jaimin's face makes my heart clench. "You have nothing to be sorry for, sweetheart. It's my fault. I shouldn't have...  I'm so sorry." He takes my hand in his and bends his head to kiss it tenderly.

"It's my fault too," Nadine says, as they exchange a glance.

They seemed to have reached an understanding of some sort while I was incoherent. Good. I need them to like each other. Or at least pretend to.

"Can I have a glass of water?" I say to no one in particular. 

"Of course!" Nadine jumps up and runs a little too theatrically from the room. She can be very dramatic, and very mothering. I coughed once and she wanted me to stay in bed for three days. I'm more than a little surprised that she didn't call an ambulance for my fainting spell. And relieved. Very relieved.

I sigh and look to Jaimin. He's watching me very cautiously, worry still prominent in his features. 

"Don't worry. I'm okay. I don't know what happened, I got too warm and... " The hurt in his eyes stops me from finishing.

He meant what he said, as crazy as it may seem. I shouldn't have reacted the way I did. I wish I hadn't. I wish my body hadn't failed me. What's wrong with me? Of course he's hurt. He thinks the thought of a future with him makes me ill. He couldn't be more wrong. I reach up tentatively to place my palm against his face, not sure how he'll react to the gesture. He leans into it and closes his eyes and I know that we're okay. I'll make it up to him somehow. I have to. 

"I want to sit up. Would you help me?"

He lifts me gently and sets me upright. I still feel a bit dizzy and hold on to him, pulling him down next to me. "Sit with me?" I ask as sweetly as I can.

"Anything you want, Claire."

"Now that's what I like to hear." Nadine is back with my water, undoubtedly waiting outside of the door for just the right moment to reappear.

I scowl at her. He doesn't need his words thrown in his face, even if in approval. She gets the message. She shocks me by giving him an apologetic look. 

"As soon as you're feeling up to moving about, I want you to go home and rest." She gives me the glass of water and turns to Jaimin, "You'll take her, won't you? And stay with her? She shouldn't be alone."

"Don't push her, Nadine. She's had more than enough for one day. Of course I'll see to it that she gets home and comfortably settled, if she'll allow me, but maybe she'd rather you stayed with her."

Oh no... He's breaking my heart. How did we get right back here?

I turn his face to mine and his eyes are unsure. I have to fix this. "I've been looking at her face all day. I'd much rather spend the rest of it looking at yours, if you'll allow me. And if you have the time? And if you want to."

The tenderness in his eyes derails me, until I hear his words.

"I'll always have time for you, Claire."

I know he means it. I know it wasn't a shot at me, but I feel like I've been slapped. Hard.

He knows as soon as he's said the words that I'm hurt by it. His face distorts with instant regret. I don't want him to feel any worse. He feels bad enough. He has nothing to feel bad about. I won't let him. He didn't do anything wrong.

"I don't want you to ever feel like I don't have time for you, Jaimin. Please don't think that way. Sometimes I just need time with me. I learned to be content that way a long time ago. I had to. I know you don't understand that, not yet. I want you to understand. I'm hoping you can, and I'm hoping you'll still want me when you do. I hope that more than I can express to you... and I am sorry. So very sorry. I just got overwhelmed... you didn't do or say anything wrong. Nothing at all."

"I honestly wasn't trying to... "

I put my finger to his lips. I don't want to hear the rest. I don't want him to have to say it. "I know you weren't. I'm aware of my own selfishness. I've never apologized for it. I've never been willing to change it. I've certainly never tried. Not for anyone. My own needs came first. Always. It wasn't even a consideration. I've never really been concerned if anyone was hurt by it. It didn't matter to me. Until now. Until you. I'm willing. I can try... for you."

I hear Nadine gasp. I'm looking at him, but I know her mouth is dropped open in shock without taking my eyes from his face. Shock, like I see in his beautiful dark eyes. She knows the magnitude of what I've said, but how can he? He can't possibly... we never talked about it. Until last night, he didn't know that part of me existed. But it's there. I can see it. He knows. How?

He seems to be at a loss for words as he looks at me. I follow his eyes as they flit to Nadine. She smiles at him, and I know. She did it again. They've spoken about me. She found a vulnerable place in him, no doubt his fear of losing me, and used it to make him listen to her.

She's done it before. Once. With Alex. She liked Alex. She thought she could help him. She kept it from me, but he told me. He never kept anything from me. He said he knew she was right, but that he would lose me anyway, because he couldn't change anything. I'd already told him what I was afraid of, what I needed to stay. He knew. She couldn't help him. She shouldn't have tried. I was angry. It wasn't her place. It isn't her place now. Especially not now. I was with Alex for a very long time. She didn't tell him anything he didn't already know. But now... how could she?

I glare at her now, my voice tight. "You've been busy."

I can feel Jaimin watching me, no doubt surprised at my tone.

She knows she's caught. "Don't get mad... "

"Too late."

"Come on, Claire, you know I only... "

"You had no right!"

"Please calm down. You were unconscious a few minutes ago. Don't make yourself upset."

I jump up and stalk towards her, "Don't make myself upset? DON'T MAKE MYSELF UPSET? Why would I be upset, Nadine? Why? Could it be, just maybe, because MY BEST FRIEND BETRAYED ME? AGAIN!"

"Please don't say that. I didn't betray you. You know better than that. I love you. I was just trying to help. Then and now. Why are you so angry?"

I look to Jaimin, he's standing now, watching me carefully. The betrayal I feel overwhelms me as I look at him. I feel sick. I don't know what she told him. I don't know what information he may now have. Information that didn't come from me. Information that I couldn't explain. I couldn't see his face... She may have destroyed everything, trying to help. This isn't like with Alex. He isn't Alex. This is new, and fragile. She isn't a gentle person. She isn't careful, and undoubtedly wasn't with her words to him. She doesn't stand to lose anything. She doesn't stand to lose him. She isn't in love with him. What? Where did that... oh...

 I'm in love with him.

I don't know what to do. I feel lost. I'm afraid. No, afraid doesn't begin to describe what I feel. I'm terrified. I want to run away. I want control of my life back. I want to go to my me place where I feel safe. No one can hurt me there. No one can take anything from me there.

I start to back up slowly. Jaimin reaches toward me, but I put my hand up to stop him. It's too much. I need to get out of here. His face... oh, please don't look at me like that.

"Claire, don't do this. I know that look. I made a mistake, I see that now. Don't punish him for it."

I don't look at her as I speak, I can't take my eyes off of him. "You've done enough talking, Nadine. More than enough. I don't want to hear it."

"I'm sorry," I say to him now, the tears spilling over. "I can't... "

"You're breaking your promise."

"I just need time to... " My voice trails off, I don't know what I need. I don't know the ending. I don't know what I'm doing, or saying.

"Time to what? Time to make yourself forget?"

"No. I could never... I just... "

"JUST WHAT? What are you so damn afraid of?"

"Please don't yell at me."

"I'm not going to baby you. I think too many people in your life have. I want you to talk to me."

"Why did you listen to her? Why did you let her put me on the outside?"

"You're not on the outside, Claire. You're the center of everything. I was going to tell you, every word of our conversation. Every single word. Can you believe me? Can you trust me? Please?"

"I am on the outside. I don't want to be there. I didn't choose it. You chose it for me. You shouldn't have done that. What am I supposed to do?"

"You're supposed to stick up for yourself. You're supposed to stand here and tell me I was wrong. Stand here and tell me I hurt you, or made you mad. Stand your ground, Claire, don't run away. Yell, scream, cry... do whatever you have to do to make me see what you feel. Fight."

"You want me to fight?"

"Yes. If I'm worth it to you. I happen to believe I am. We all have our moments of insecurity, sweetheart. I've certainly had my fair share of them with you, even today, but I'm not having one now. You want to run away. I'm not going to let you. I'm going to fight. I know you're worth it. You are worth fighting for.

You said you knew where you belonged. I'll never forget that. I won't let you forget it. I didn't doubt those words. You meant it. I know you did. And you were right. You belong with me. I've known that since the first time I saw your face.

You said you'd try. You just spoke those words to me. This isn't trying. This is giving up. How could you give up on us so easily? It's not what you want, Claire. You're scared. What is it you think she told me? I don't know what you're afraid of, but I'm not going to let you give up. I'm not going to step aside and watch you leave me and hurt us both. You can kick, and scream, and stomp your pretty little feet, but I'm not going to let you go.

Someone wants you, Claire. I want you. I know that's not new for you, but I'm not everyone else. This is your last stop. You weren't running away from anything. You were running to me, where you belong."

My tears have started anew. I can see Nadine from the corner of my eye, wiping her own away. He's never held his emotions back from me, but the fact that he would say all of those things in front of her does something to me. He's right, right about everything. I now have some idea what she told him. I'm still upset, she shouldn't have done that. She told him I run. I've been struggling for days with how to tell him that, to tell him in a way that wouldn't scare him... and she did it for me. I cringe at the thought. I wish I'd seen his face. I wish I'd seen how the knowledge hit him. Maybe I'm seeing it now. If it scared him, his fear only made his resolve stronger. Just like Alex's paintings of me that hang on his walls, he's changed the story. He doesn't care that I ran from them. I had to, to get here, to him. That's what he believes. He confounds me.

"I didn't want to go." It's all I can manage to say.

He wipes my tears from my face, and looks tenderly into my eyes, "I know."

"I just..."

"I know. It's okay."

"What if I'm not worth it? I might not be. Are you sure?"

"You ask ridiculous questions, but I'll answer them this time. You are. And yes, I'm sure."

"Do you still think I'm a brat?"

He laughs and shakes his head, "You're adorable. ABSOLUTELY."

"Absolutely adorable or absolutely a brat?"

"Both," he says with a wink.

Damn him. "You're evil."

"You're wobbly."

"Arrogant bastard."

"So I'm told." He winks again to finish me off, adding "Speaking of which, what is this I hear about my exploding head?"

"Nadine!"

"Well, at least you're talking to me. I'll take that. He was being a pompous ass, it came to mind. Certainly you can see how that could happen... "

He rolls his eyes at her and asks, "Is it here?"

I'm going to kill Nadine, even though she has a point.  "Yes, but you don't want to see that. Please?"

"Oh, yes I do. Show me."

"I don't want to."

"But you're going to."

"You can't make me."

"Oh, Claire... what a sweet, confused little girl you are. I almost feel guilty... "

Uh-oh. I back up, but he comes towards me like a tiger stalking it's prey.

"Ummm... Claire... you... "

I wasn't paying attention to where I was. My back hits the wall as I register Nadine's warning. Shit!

He chuckles, "You're making this much too easy. Maybe I shouldn't have worried so much about you running away. You have a terrible sense of direction. You poor thing."

"Okay! I'll show you!"

"Just like that? I'm disappointed, Claire. Now who's no fun?"

"I am fun. If you start something, you better be prepared to finish it. You and I both know you won't. I'm doing you a favor. And just so you know... that's the last time you're going to tell me you're disappointed."

His mouth falls open briefly, but he quickly composes himself and smiles wickedly at me.

"Now, follow me. One exploding head coming up."

I hear Nadine say from behind us, "God, you're such a man."

When I glance back at him, his eyes are not looking at me. Well, not at my face.

"Are you looking at my ass?"

He shamelessly replies, "Yes I am. It's incredible."

"Thank you. So I'm told."

Oops.. did I just...?

He pulls me back roughly against him. Yes, I did. Crap!

His voice is hard in my ear, "Don't do that, Claire. I have no doubts that you've had many compliments on many things, but don't throw them in my face. I DON'T LIKE IT."

He's right. I shouldn't have said that. I don't blame him. I wouldn't like it either. "I'm sorry. I really am."

"I have limits to what I'll accept from your smart mouth. You'd do well to remember that."

Geez, I said I was sorry...

"Okay, I... " I'm cut off by a sharp, stinging slap to my behind and I am stunned.

I whirl around to face him, "Did you just spank me?"

"Yes." Neither his tone, or his face is in any way apologetic.

"Have you lost your mind?"

"No. I'm rather in control, wouldn't you agree?"

"You can't do that to me!"

"I can and I did."

"I know you did, but NO, YOU CAN'T. And why on earth did you?"

"You made me angry. And YES I CAN. Watch your smart mouth if you don't like it. Unless you do... "

"I DON'T. DON'T DO IT AGAIN. I MEAN IT."

"That's up to you, sweetheart." He smirks as he asks, "You've never been spanked before, have you?"

"No!"

"Not even as a child?"

"NO!"

"Silly of me. I forgot you're a spoiled brat."

"You're making me mad."

"That's okay. You'll get over it."

"How would you like it if I slapped you?"

"I wouldn't recommend it."

Neither would I... "Well, unlike you, I wouldn't disrespect you that way. So I guess your face is safe."

"You did disrespect me."

Damn him. "I said I was sorry."

"You did. Only time will tell if you meant it."

"I honestly didn't mean to disrespect you. I am sorry. Please believe me."

"Show me the painting."

I can't believe he's still mad. I'm the one that should be furious. I frown at him, but resume our walk to our kitchen, where his exploding head is hung. It seemed an appropriate place, however disturbing.

"You have a fully functional kitchen?" he asks as we enter.

"Yes. Nadine had it built a few years ago. It comes in handy when we have showings. Makes it easier for the caterers. We only serve hors d'oeuvres and things of the like, but we use it for ourselves the rest of the time."

"We?"

"Okay, she." I stick my tongue out at him.

"Did you eat lunch today?"

I sigh, knowing my answer will annoy him. "No."

"I should spank you for that too."

"Don't you dare." I absentmindedly rub my still stinging behind.

He comes towards me with a mischievous look in his eye.

"I mean it, Jaimin."

He wraps his arms around me and removes my hands from their protective position on my rear, replacing them with his own. His eyes are playful as he rubs gently. "Did I hurt you?"

"Yes," I pout.

"I don't think I did. You wouldn't be lying to me, would you?"

"It stings a little. Is that the same thing?"

"I don't think it is."

"Oh. Can I change my answer?"

"You want to be a good girl now?" he asks with another chuckle.

"Yes. That's what you want, isn't it? I don't like it when you're mad at me."

"Sometimes. I don't like it either."

"Sometimes? How am I supposed to know when?"

"The rules are easy, sweetheart. Don't lie to me. Don't try to make me jealous. Don't run away from me. I don't think that's too much to ask. You're three for three today. I have my limits, although I'll have mercy on you for the lie, since you wanted to correct your answer. And if you tell me the truth now... does it still sting?"

His hands have been busy. Sting is not the word that comes to mind...

"No, but I think you know that already."

"Hmmm... perhaps. Did I tell you that you have an incredible ass?"

"Yes, you mentioned it. Thank you."

"Much better."

"I learned my lesson."

"Good girl. That's all I wanted."

"I think I should be rewarded."

"Sorry, beautiful, I'm fresh out of gold stars."

"That's not what I want."

"What do you want?"

"I want you to kiss me."

"That's my girl. See? That wasn't so hard." He kisses me softly, then murmurs against my lips, "Tell me again that you're sorry."

"Wow, you were really mad," I murmur back.

"Yes I was."

I'll give him what he wants, but I want him to look at me. I want him to see that I mean it. "Open your eyes, please?"

He looks at me and I see that he needs it. This isn't just about my making him jealous. I made many mistakes today. "I'm very, very, very sorry."

He touches his fingertips to my lips, "How can something so beautiful and so sweet do so much damage?"

Damage.

What does that mean? Damage. The word cuts me like a knife. It scares me. I'm filled with a desperation I've never felt before. Is he giving up now? Just like that? What about fighting? He told me to fight. Do I know how? I've never had to fight for someone. Is this a test? Does he need to know that I will? What the hell does damage mean?

"Damage? Please don't say that. That sounds bad. Really bad. You're scaring me. Tell me what I can do... I'll do it. Don't give up on me. Please? I know I hurt you today. You're right... I'm a complete brat. I don't mean to be. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I upset you. I'm sorry I made you jealous and angry. I'm sorry for all of it. Don't leave me. You're the only person in my life I've ever asked this of. I'll do anything. Please don't leave me."

I'm grasping at him desperately. My every word is a plea. My tears are coming so hard, I'm sure they'll wash me away. He's looking at me like I'm crazy. Yeah, I'm crazy. You did it. You made me this way. I was a normal girl with a normal life a week ago. Then you came along. You and your damn eyes and your voice and your electric touch... your smile and your sweetness and your pictures and your dreams... of course I'm crazy. What chance did I have? Damn you, you arrogant bastard... now I'm begging you not to leave me and you're looking at me like that...

My irrational torrent of thoughts is stopped when his arms lock tightly around me. His eyes are wide with surprise and confusion, "Claire, stop. What on earth has gotten into you? Where did all of this come from? What goes on in that beautiful head of yours? Leave you? Have you lost your mind? You're a pain in the ass, but you're my pain in the ass and nothing you could possibly do or say would ever make me leave you. Do you hear me? EVER."

I'm trying to catch my breath. He wipes my tears for what seems like the millionth time and leads me to a chair, pulling me gently into it. He kneels in front of me and takes my trembling hands in his as he continues.

"It was a word, that's all. I didn't mean anything like what you thought. I'm sorry, I promise you it was just a stupid word. Your pretty little mouth drives me crazy. You tried my patience today, but you didn't damage anything. I wish you knew how I felt about you. I wish I could tell you without scaring the hell out of you. If you knew, you wouldn't have doubts. Believe me when I say that. I know where I belong, too. It's wherever you are. You and your smart little mouth. Believe it or not, it's my favorite part of you. It's mine, and I want it, sweet or otherwise. Always. I promise you I'm not going anywhere, sweetheart, unless it's with you."

Nadine's voice is quiet, I wonder how long she's been there, "I'm sorry to interrupt. Claire, honey, are you alright?"

I nod at her, and she gives Jaimin a worried look. She comes to kneel in front of me, just as he is. I know when she looks at me that she knows. I know what she's going to say.

"Did you have a phone call while you were out? Did your father call you?"

I nod at her a second time.

"You know about the accident, your mother... "

It's not a question, but I nod again.

"Honey... "

"I know."

"No, I don't think you do. I don't... you've had so much already today... I don't want to... but the police are here... there's something else... "

"I know. He's dead. They're both dead."

"Claire? You... how could you possibly know that?"

"He said he couldn't live without her. He said he was sorry. Sorry for failing me all of my life... sorry for letting her. Sorry that he was going to leave me all alone...  He was sorry, but he loved her and he couldn't and wouldn't live without her.

He said he loved me, that he'd always loved me, and he said goodbye.... 

He thought he hung up the phone, but he didn't. I heard the shot...

I heard it...

It was so loud...

Then nothing...

I called the police from just outside the door. Then I came in. It looked like the two of you were arguing... 

The two people I care about most... "

I let my voice trail off. They're both staring at me with horrified expressions. 

Nadine is the one to ask the obvious questions, "And you came in here and said nothing? You came in here like nothing at all was wrong? You just found out your mother was dead and heard your father kill himself and you said nothing?"

"Nadine."

"Jaimin, that's not normal! She... "

His voice is steel, "That's enough. Not another word."

She doesn't say anything else. She just stares at me. Now she thinks I'm crazy.

He squeezes my hand that still lies in his, speaking in the sweetest tone imaginable, "Sweetheart? Tell me what you need. What can I do for you? Can I get you anything?"

"No, thank you. Nothing. I'm fine."

Nadine's mouth drops open, she starts to say something but he shoots her a warning look and she closes it. At least I'm not the only one...

"They want to talk to her?"

She nods her head in response.

He turns back to me, "Do you think you can handle that? To talk to the police?"

"If you come with me."

"Of course I will. With you. I promised you. I'll never break that promise, Claire."

"Then can we go home?"

"Yes. Anything you want."

"Good. I'm hungry."

"Well, I can certainly take care of that."

I smile at him and stand, pulling him up. He let's me lead him to the painting I brought him here to see. "I'm sorry I made this. It wasn't nice. I didn't know you... "

He gives me a sly smile, "It's very clever. My staff would love it. Don't be sorry. I'm sure I deserved it."

"You did."

"I'm very sorry about that."

"I know."

His eyes are full of sorrow as he looks at me, sorrow for many things. His pain for me hurts worse than anything I feel. It breaks my heart. He said he wished I knew how he felt about me. I do know. But he's wrong... I'm not scared. I should tell him that. I think I will. Later. We have time.

I grip his hand more tightly and say simply, "I'm ready now", and smile at him, knowing how happy it will make him when I tell him just how much I mean it.

                                                 ~

The police have gone and we're about to leave. Nadine hasn't stopped staring at me, though she hasn't spoken a word until now.

"Claire, I'm sorry... I'm just worried about you. I don't know what to do. I don't understand your behavior... "

"NADINE."

I don't know what to say to her. I don't know how I'm supposed to respond. Jaimin is upset with her. I'm sure he doesn't understand it either, but he's not pushing me. They're glaring at each other.

"I don't want to upset you, so I'm asking your permission... can I talk to Jaimin for a few minutes? Would that be alright with you?"

He answers her before I have the chance, "No."

"Why not? If it's alright with her? You didn't give her the chance to answer me."

"It's not alright with me, Nadine. Why do you feel the need to talk to him about me? I'm right here. Talk to me."

"He won't let me!"

His tone is strong, but he doesn't yell at her, "I'm not going to stand here and let you attack her. This isn't about you. You don't have to understand. Stop pushing her."

She speaks as if I'm not here, "This is not normal. I know you want to protect her, but ignoring her behavior is not the way to do it. Her parents are dead. Her father shot himself while she was on the phone! He chose that heartless, dead bitch over his own daughter and rubbed her face in it! That should hurt! She should be hurt! She should be mad! She should feel some kind of emotion! She came in here a minute later like nothing happened! THAT IS NOT NORMAL! She needs help. I'm not going to let you just take her home. You are not capable of giving her what she needs. She needs to go to the hospital. I'm calling someone. If you give a damn about her, you have to see that I'm right."

His arm is already protectively around me, but I fold myself into him and he wraps his other arm around me tightly. He's furious with her, I can feel him shaking with anger. I don't think he'll listen to her. I pray he doesn't. She's not right.

"I want to go home. I'm hungry. You said we could go." I don't recognize my own voice. I don't sound like myself. I sound like a child. I can't see his face, but his breathing changes and his hold tightens protectively.

"That's where we're going, sweetheart."

"Jaimin, I am not kidding! I heard you tell her you weren't going to baby her. What do you call this? That's exactly what you're doing! Don't tell me you didn't hear her just now! She needs help! You may not realize this, but believe me, her behavior with you is strange. This isn't her. She doesn't cry. She doesn't cling. She doesn't need anyone. The Claire I know is strong. I know you're an arrogant son of a bitch, and maybe you get off on her weakness to you, but I am begging you! Get over yourself and put her first!"

"Do you hear yourself? You seem to be confused. When she didn't show emotion, it wasn't normal. When she cried, it wasn't normal. What do you want from her, Nadine? I wasn't aware that there were rules for dealing with tragedy.

I'm taking her home. I can and will take care of her. She will have any and everything she needs. Don't you dare question my feelings for her, or my motives. I'm putting her first. I will do what's best for her as I see fit. We'll call you if she needs anything I'm incapable of providing. Hold your breath while you wait for that call."

"As you see fit? Like hell! You're not taking her anywhere!"

"That's not your decision to make. It's hers, and she's made it."

"You were just waiting for your chance, weren't you? Waiting for her to be vulnerable enough. Waiting for her to be weak enough. I'll bet your mouth is watering. Her father served her up to you on a silver platter today and you can't wait to dig in. You think I don't know what kind of man you are? You think she doesn't know? Your reputation precedes you. She may not be in her right mind, but I am, and I swear to God, Jaimin, if you lay one finger on her, I'll kill you."

I can't believe what I just heard. Why is she doing this? How could she even think such a thing? How could she speak to him that way? I feel him start to let go of me and I know she went too far. Much too far.

He pulls me behind him, and steps to within inches of her. His voice is positively menacing, "I don't like what you're implying. Be careful, Nadine. Be very careful. DON'T FUCK WITH ME.

You don't know me. I don't give a damn what you think you know. Claire is fully aware of what kind of man I was before I found her, BECAUSE I TOLD HER. A few hours ago you were convinced I was in love with her, now this? HOW DARE YOU IMPLY THAT I WOULD EVER TAKE ADVANTAGE OF HER LIKE THAT!"

I can't see his face, but the look on hers is pure fear. I don't know if it's for me or herself. She looks to me and I shake my head at her. She's wrong, I won't take her side. And she's been chattier than I realized, what else did she say to him?  "How could you?"

"I just want you to be safe and okay. I'm worried about you, can't you see that?"

"Then stop this. If you care about me, just stop. You're wrong. You're so far beyond wrong that I don't even know what to say to you. It's disappointing to know that you have so little faith in me, but I'm quite accustomed to the people in my life disappointing me. You've done it a lot today. Believe me, my mind is much clearer than you think it is. Now listen to me carefully, Nadine. You can go too far. This friendship isn't invincible. Don't push me."

She looks like she's been slapped, but she doesn't respond. She knows me well enough. She understands. She knows I mean it.

Jaimin extends his hand to me and I take it. We are almost through the door as I turn to her and say, "And Nadine? I'm damn good at my job and I'm exceptionally talented. Don't think I don't know that. There are countless galleries that would kill to hang me. Don't be so naive to think that my phone doesn't ring. I don't need you."

If she had any doubts about how strong I am, she doesn't now. I don't feel bad about what I just did. She's not above trying to manipulate me. She won't dare now. She knows my worth. Now she knows I do too.

Jaimin opens my door and I climb into my seat. He leans in to me and smiles. "You're very strong, Claire. I'm incredibly proud of you."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. And Claire? Arrogance looks good on you."

Judging by the expression on his face, I think it's safe to assume that good means sexy.

"Thank you again. I'm glad you think so. And if I may be so direct, you still owe me a kiss. I would like it now."

"Anything you want, sweetheart."

"I like it when you say that."

"Of course you do. That's because you're my spoiled little brat."

"I am. I like it when you say I'm yours, too. Now give me what I want before I throw a fit."

"My God, you're adorable."

The smile he gives me begins to melt the day's stress away. When his lips reach mine, they are gentle and careful, too careful.

"I promise I'm okay," I whisper against his lips, "You won't break me. Please don't hold back from me. I need you."

He pulls back from me, just enough to look into my eyes. His are full of concern. He didn't like the things Nadine said, but maybe he agrees with her about some of it. I know my behavior today wasn't normal. He can't have understood it, but he was there for me. I don't see judgement in these beautiful eyes. No, I know what I see.

I put my hand to his face and say quietly, "As you see fit."

"Thank you."

"For now."

He laughs and gives me a wink. "I'll take what I can get, sweetheart."

                                                   ~

"You're going to put me to sleep if you keep doing that, or make me get in trouble."

We stopped at his apartment to grab some of his things before we came here, so he wouldn't have to leave me. I took a long, hot bath and he made dinner and now we're settled on my couch, my head in his lap. On a pillow in his lap. He insisted on the pillow, more emphatically than was necessary. It made me giggle. He's playing with my hair, a weakness he's just discovered. He's relentless with his newfound power. How does he expect me to behave if he's going to do that?

"Maybe sleep is what you need. Trouble, on the other hand, is not."

"I don't want to sleep. Trouble would be much more fun."

"Please be good. I think you should close your eyes."

"I don't want to."

He takes his hand from my hair as he asks, "Be good or close your eyes?"

Well, don't stop! "I'll be good if you put it back. I don't want to close my eyes."

He smiles at me as he gives my hair a playful tug, before resuming his gentle strokes. "Why not, sweetheart?"

"Because I won't be able to see you. I need to see you."

His eyes are sad, "I'm not going to leave you, Claire. You don't ever have to be afraid of that. I wish you understood how... " He stops himself. He thinks it's too much for me.

"Tell me."

"I'll give you anything, but I don't think now is the time. As I see fit?"

"I already know. You can tell me."

"I don't think you do. Do you trust me to take care of you?"

"Yes I do. And yes, I do."

"Good, then please do as I tell you. I want you to close your eyes. Let this day go, sweetheart."

"I will if you tell me."

"Claire."

"If I have to give up your face I want something else. Give me what I want."

"I'm glad you like my face, but you wouldn't be so stubborn if you understood. Please trust me. It won't make you happy. I won't upset you anymore today. I can't do that. I can't give you your way, please stop asking me to."

"I love your face and I do trust you, but you're wrong this time. So, since you don't trust me, can I tell you?"

"Don't put words in my mouth, you little brat." He gives my hair another playful tug. "You can tell me anything. You know that."

I can see that I'm trying his patience. I don't want to do that any more today. It's time to give in.

"Okay. I'll do what you want. I'll try to sleep. Promise me again you won't leave."

"I thought you wanted to tell me something?"

"You told me not to. Please promise?"

"I promise you I will not leave you. I will be right here when you open your eyes."

I smile at him and roll to my side, repositioning my head on the pillow to face him. I tuck my fingers into the waist of his pants and close my eyes. He reaches instantly to grab my hand, and I think he's going to pull it away. I don't open my eyes as I whisper, "I promise I'll be good, I just want to hold on."

He's still for a moment, but then he moves my hand and holds it in his. I frown and open my eyes. He's looking down at me. Even I can hear the hurt in my voice, "Why don't you trust me? It's not like I'm capable of tempting you, anyway. Are you trying to hurt my feelings?"

"Of course I don't want to hurt you. I don't think you believe that."

I pull myself up and sit beside him. I try to pull my hand free, but he grips it tightly. Tears are falling again. I try to talk through them, "I'm sorry, it's not your fault. I don't want to make you angry. I know this is making you miserable. I know I'm making you miserable. You don't have to stay here and suffer. I'll be okay. You should go before I ruin everything and make you hate me. I don't want that. Please don't let me do that. You don't have to keep your promise, I shouldn't have asked. That wasn't fair. I haven't been fair to you. I don't want to damage everything. Please just go, Jaimin. Please."

He shakes his head and takes a deep breath, then pulls me into his lap. "I'm not going anywhere. If I have to repeat that to you a thousand times to make you believe me, I will. I know you've had an unbearable day. I wish I understood what you're feeling, but I don't. I want to take care of you. I want to give you what you need, but I'm not sure what that is. I don't want to push you. If you're not ready to talk about it, I'm not going to make you. There aren't rules. I'm not judging you. You'll get through this your way, and I'll be right here with you.

I am not angry with you. You do not make me miserable, that's not possible. My heart breaks for you, because I can't bear to see you hurt. I want to take that away for you, but I don't know how. You could never ruin anything, you make everything better. Hate you? I can't even respond to that. My God, sweetheart, tell me what to do. I know you're confused. I know you don't really believe the things you're saying. Please listen to me... please hear me... please forget what I said. You have not, can not and will not ever damage anything. I don't think I will ever regret anything more than saying those words to you. I swear I didn't mean it to hurt you. It was stupid. I was stupid and careless and I am so sorry. I've said many things to you, why is that what sticks in your mind? Please let it go. For me? Please?"

"I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me... "

"You have nothing to be sorry for, except maybe for your ridiculous notion that you're not capable of tempting me. I should have you committed." The incredulous look he gives me makes me laugh, and he takes my face in his hands, wiping my tears with his thumbs as he continues, "Your existence tempts me. You don't even have to be near me. You are the most beautiful creature on this earth. How could you think I don't want you? I didn't know it was possible to want someone so much. Every moment with you is a struggle. I didn't know I was capable of that kind of restraint. I'm trying to do right by you. This is unfamiliar territory for me, but I'm trying. Can you please try to understand that? I promise you it isn't anything else, as if that were even possible. Have you seen you?"

"Thank you. I do understand, but I think you try too hard."

"I know you do, but that's because you trust me a little more than you should. I'm glad, and I want that, but I'm not as confident as you are that I don't have a breaking point. I know better. Tempting that would not be a good thing."

I don't say anything, I know there's no point. I wasn't on my best behavior during our last sleepover. He was sure the wine was affecting my judgement, even though I was sure it wasn't. I wanted him. I'm willing to break rules for him, too. I know how I feel. I want him now. He didn't believe my mind was clear enough that night, and considering the events of today, there's no way he will now. No, there's no point...

"Don't pout."

I try to smile, but I know he isn't fooled. My face will always betray me.

He sighs, and changes the subject. "You wanted to say something before. You said I told you not to? I would never do that. Tell me."

"You did. You told me not to put words in your mouth."

"I'm not sure what that has to do with what you want to tell me, but if it's something you feel, then I want to know."

"So do I. That was my point."

"I don't know what you're trying to say, sweetheart. Tell me."

"You said you wished I knew how you felt about me. You said you wished you could tell me without scaring the hell out of me. You said it wouldn't make me happy... well, I believe I do know, and I'm not afraid. You can tell me, and it will make me happy."

He doesn't say anything, only looks at me, but his breathing has changed. I reposition myself in his lap so that I can look directly into his eyes. Of course, that only makes him more tense, and his hands move instantly to my hips where he can have control.

I roll my eyes and say, "I'm not trying to tempt you."

"I told you, you don't have to try."

"Do you want to know what I think?"

"Yes."

"I think you love me."

He's looking at me so intently, searching... looking for any sign that my belief makes me anything but happy. I know he won't find any, but I'll let him search. I want him to see it for himself. I don't expect him to just trust my words, not today. A slow smile begins to spread across his face and I know he knows. He knows everything.

"You're right about that."

"I... "

He knows what I'm going to say, but puts his finger to my lips to stop my words, "I want you to sleep now."

I nod, and he carries me into the bedroom, turning off lights as we go. He sits me on the bed and smiles again at my pajamas, I raided his bureau when we stopped at his apartment. As he starts to unbutton his shirt, he asks, "Did I tell you how adorable you are in my clothes?"

He did. Many times. I smile at him and nod again. "Yes, thank you, but it's as much for my protection as anything else."

"Your protection?"

"Everything I would normally sleep in would probably get me scolded or spanked. Want to see?"

"NO."

"LIAR."

"I think that's up to interpretation. MINE."

"You're bossy."

"Yes I am. Now, I'm going to go into the bathroom to change, and when I come back I want to see you under those covers, STILL IN MY CLOTHES."

"You can change here," I say sweetly.

"Claire."

I pout, but climb under the covers as ordered. I hear him mutter "Please, God, give me strength... " as he walks to the bathroom, and it makes me giggle.

He's back quickly, and climbs in next to me, kissing me tenderly before pulling me into his arms. I snuggle against him and whisper, "Thank you."

"For what, sweetheart?"

"Putting up with me."

"You don't have to thank me for that. Do you need anything?"

"Just you."

"You have me. I'm all yours."

His hand covers my mouth the second I open it. He's on to me. I giggle again and kiss his palm.

He chuckles softly and gives one last command, "Close your eyes."

It's the last thing I remember before I drift to sleep.