Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Clear and Bright: Chapter Ten: Rain

                                              

The dreams wasted no time in claiming me, gave me no rest. Jaimin is sleeping peacefully, his breathing soft, his arms still around me. I don't want to move, don't want to leave the safety and warmth of him, but I have to. The canvas is calling to me, waiting to take the images from my head. I slip as carefully as I can from him and out of bed. He stirs, but doesn't wake. I grab my favorite paint-stained sweatshirt from the closet and leave the room, closing the door quietly behind me. I brush my teeth and wash my face, trying to make as little noise as possible. I stop to the kitchen to make coffee, but I notice the clock. It's only 3:22. I don't want to wake him, so I opt for a bottle of mineral water and head up to my studio.

As soon as I open the door I feel the peace that's always waiting for me here. It's a massive space, open and inviting, even in the darkness. During the day it's bathed in light. I wish I could spend all of my days here, lost and free. It's the reason I chose this apartment. The moment I stepped into this space, I knew. I couldn't let anyone else have it. I'd always wanted a studio like this. A place I could hide, a place that would wrap its arms around me, and still let me breathe. Everything else I looked at was wrong, the space too small. I would suffocate, but not here. It takes up nearly the entirety of the upper level. I couldn't imagine what it had been used for by previous occupants, it doesn't seem to me that it could be anything else. It was meant to be this. My calm. My breath. My sanctuary.

I pull the sweatshirt on and realize I've forgotten a tie for my hair, a pencil will have to do. It doesn't matter anyway, I'll still be pulling paint from my hair. I laugh to myself and hear her... He'd  probably think it was adorable. 

I'd wondered where she'd gone off to, maybe she's been hiding in here, waiting for me to come. And she's probably right. The thought makes me smile.

I prepare my paints and pull a blank canvas from against the far wall. Yes, this is what I need. Not doctors or hospitals, just this. This will heal me. I won't let my dream haunt me. I won't give them that power. I'll give it life and let it die with them.

My hand begins to move the moment I pick up the brush. I let it guide me and I am taken away...




I hear a soft knock on the door before it opens. I turn to see Jaimin's concerned face looking at me from the doorway. He looks tired. I don't know how long I've been in here, but I know it's still early, the sun just starting to touch the sky.

I take a sharp intake of breath as he starts to step in and he steps back immediately.

"I'm sorry. This isn't something you can share, is it? I shouldn't have... I was worried when I woke and you weren't there. I just wanted to make sure you were alright. I'm sorry I didn't wake up... you could have woken me... I'm supposed to be taking care of you... "

He seems lost. He doesn't know what to say, doesn't know what to do. The strength he had yesterday seems to have left him in his sleep, replaced by worry and fear. I know he wants to take care of me, he just doesn't know how.

But what he doesn't understand is that he is. He's here. That's all I need.

"You are."

His expression is doubtful. I see his eyes look past me to the canvas behind me and turn achingly sad.

"Come here," I say quietly.

"Claire, you don't have to... "

"I want to. For you."

I know he's overwhelmed by my simple words. He knows I'm giving him something, one more piece of me I've never given anyone. He comes towards me slowly, cautiously, as if he thinks I'll change my mind.

It's not easy for me to share this, it may even be the hardest thing I've ever done, but I can for him. I won't change my mind. I'll do anything for this man.

When he reaches me, he brushes my cheek with his thumb and kisses the top of my head. The sweetness of his gesture melts me, the words come easily. "There's nothing I won't give you," I whisper, "Nothing."

He lifts me into his arms and holds me so tightly, it washes away all of the doubts and fears I felt yesterday. I know my mind was confused... I know I turned my unexplainable emotions onto what was in front of me, who was in front of me, but now I know why. I understand it. He's what I don't want to live without. He's what I could never bear to lose. I lost my parents a long time ago. They never belonged to me. I never belonged to them. They belonged to each other. I was on the outside. It's really not so different that they're gone.

I haven't seen my mother since I was four years old. My father came to me sometimes, but most of our relationship was based on brief, secretive calls or gifts that would show up at my door. He watched me sometimes, I'd seen him, but I knew he didn't want me to see, so I pretended not to.

No, it's not so different. It won't change me. I'll be just fine without them. I have everything I need right here, in this room and in these arms. He didn't leave me. My fear was irrational. He won't leave me. He loves me.

He sets me on my feet and smiles adoringly at me. He's definitely in love, or nuts, I know what I must look like. "I'm sure I'm a mess... I hope I didn't get paint on you."

"You are. You're the most beautiful mess I've ever seen."

"Maybe you're still asleep."

"No, sweetheart, I'm wide awake. I know what I see. You've never looked more beautiful."

I feel the blush spread over my face and he winks at me. Goodbye legs...

He chuckles softly and looks again to the painting that made his eyes sad. It silences him instantly. He steps closer to it and reaches back for me. I place my hand in his and wait.

"I've never seen a photograph of you as a child, but I think you must have captured yourself perfectly. How old were you?"

"Five, I think."

His voice is sad, "Why are you all alone?"

It's me, in the middle of a field full of flowers, an easel in front of me. It was my first, a gift from my grandfather. My first real canvas, my first real painting. My head is turned back, a smile on my face.

"I wasn't alone. My grandparents were there with me."

"Is that what you're smiling at?"

"Yes, they were standing a few feet behind me. Far enough to give me the space I felt comfortable with, but not so far that I couldn't see them. I must have turned around a hundred times that day... just to see if they were still there, but they were always there, always watching, always smiling."

"Why did you need space, Claire? Can you tell me? Can you help me understand? A five year old little girl needs love, not space. I don't want to pressure you, it's okay if you can't."

"I don't know exactly. My parents were never affectionate with me. They didn't really spend time with me. I spent most of my time in my room when I was alone with my mother. I tried not to bother her. I tried to be quiet. She didn't like me. It bothered her when I made noise. Sometimes I did on purpose so she would remember I was there. She forgot sometimes. She wanted to forget. Some days she forgot to feed me. Some days she left the house and left me alone, because she didn't remember I was there. The only times she talked to me was to tell me I was pretty and not to get dirty, because little girls who got dirty became ugly. She said the only reason my father liked me was because I was pretty and if I became ugly he wouldn't like me anymore and then I would be all alone. She laughed when she said this.

"And she told me I was difficult. She always said I was difficult. I didn't understand why, I tried so hard to be good. My father said I was supposed to tell her when I was hungry, to never let her forget, but she would get so mad when I told her that. He came home sometimes, when he could, to feed me. She didn't like it. She got mad when he did that. She said he babied me. She said it was his fault I was so difficult for her. She would start yelling and he would take me by the hand and carry my lunch to my room, he'd smile at me sadly and close the door. It didn't matter, I could still hear the things she said about me. She wanted me to hear.

"He would come in my room before he left, to say good bye and tell me to be a good girl. Most of the time I stayed there until he came back. Sometimes I went out, but she would just tell me to be quiet and stay where she couldn't see me. The Invisible game, she called it.

"I was opening drawers in the kitchen one day and she came to yell at me for making noise. I told her I was looking for paper. She said "If I give you paper, will you be quiet?" I promised and she gave me some. That's when I started to draw. I had lots of books full of pretty pictures... I wanted to make pretty pictures. I didn't feel sad when I drew pictures. I liked my pictures. I wanted to draw more. When I ran out, I asked her for more. After a few days, she figured out that when I had paper I was quiet. She never asked me what I did with it, she didn't care, but every morning when I woke up, there was paper on the table in my room. I wouldn't have to ask her anymore. It was one less time she would have to see or hear me.

"One day I drew a picture of them, just the two of them - no Claire - and gave it to her. She smiled at me. She told me invisible Claire was a good girl. She hung it on the refrigerator. She couldn't stop looking at it. She couldn't stop smiling at it. I did something good.

"I knew why she liked it. She showed it to my father when he came home. He took it down. After I went to bed, I heard them fighting about it. He said children were supposed to draw pictures of families. A normal child wouldn't draw a picture like that. A normal child wouldn't draw herself invisible. She said I didn't belong there and at least I was smart enough to know it. He didn't tell her she was wrong. He didn't say anything else.

"I didn't belong. I was on the outside. I didn't know how to be anything else. I didn't know how to be wanted. I didn't understand that I wasn't a bother to them. I knew that they took me from that place, but I didn't know how to be loved. They were patient. They filled the space slowly."

His face is consumed by pain. Tears are falling from his beautiful eyes. He tries to speak, but chokes on the words, "How could she ... I can't... How could he... It's... You were just... "

It's heartbreaking to see how much he hurts for me, for the little girl I once was. I reach up to wipe his tears, willing my own not to fall. "Don't be sad. You don't have to cry for me, or for her, it was a long time ago. She didn't cry. She was scared sometimes, and sometimes she was sad, but she didn't cry. And when she left that place, she had a beautiful life. She was wanted, and she was loved. She was never hungry and never sad. She got dirty and made noise, and they didn't leave her. They still wanted her. And she laughed. She learned how to laugh. She belonged. She didn't have to be invisible anymore.

"That was a happy day. I painted my first real painting that day. Don't feel sad when you look at it. She wasn't sad, and I promise you, she wasn't alone."

His expression changes suddenly. I don't understand it until I hear his words. "I've said so many things to you... "

"What?"

"Words. More stupid words."

Oh no. "Don't do that. You're not her. You didn't know. I never took it... "

"My God, how many times have I hurt you?"

I shake my head at him, I know where this is going. I won't let him. He didn't know. "No."

"Don't do that, Claire. Don't say it's okay. It's not okay. I've said things... " He stops. His eyes close for a moment, and when he opens them it takes my breath away. His voice is a whisper, "Yesterday... I pummeled you with words yesterday... her words... of course you wanted to run away... "

"Stop. I'm not going to let you do this. They're not her words. Words don't belong to anyone. I know you've never said anything to try to hurt me. I know you wouldn't do that. You didn't know. I was being a brat and you called me on it. I'm not perfect, Jaimin. I know that. I don't want you to pretend that I am. I'm not that little girl anymore. My mother can't hurt me, certainly not through you. I don't want you to hold back from me. Please don't do that. Please. You told me yesterday that you've said many things to me. You were right. You have. Many things. Many beautiful things. You make me feel adored. The only thing you could say to hurt me is good bye."

"I'll never say that to you."

"I hope not."

"I'm sorry, Claire. You may not need to hear it, but I need to say it. I'm so sorry."

"Okay. If that's what you need. I'll even let you make it up to me."

"I'll give you anything you want."

I laugh, because he knows he's left me an opening. "I know you don't really mean that, but that's okay. I can be good just this once. What I want is simple. Well, for you. I'm hungry."

His eyes are sad again, but he smiles at me. "You don't ask for much."

"I could."

"I don't doubt that. Come on, let's feed you."



Once in the kitchen, he asks "So, what would you like?"

"Anything," I answer, hopping up onto the island.

"There must be something you want?"

I smile wickedly at him and he shakes his head.

"I didn't say a word."

"You didn't have to. I think you should get down from there."

"Am I in the way here?"

"No."

"Then why?"

"You know why."

The scene of the crime.

"Okay," I murmur quietly, jumping down. "Can I have banana crepes?"

"Of course you can." He pauses briefly, gathering the ingredients and looking at me before he adds, "Can I ask you something?"

"Yes."

"The other painting?"

I'd painted two images this morning, memories that came to me in my dreams. I didn't think he'd paid attention to the first. It was a closed door. I stood with my tiny hand pressed up against it. It wasn't bright and happy like the other, it was dark and sad.

"It was the day I left my parents' house."

"Can you tell me about it?"

"If you want to know. You won't like that story."

"I'm sure I won't, but if you left that place to have a beautiful life, then it's important to me. I'd like to know, if it's not too much for you."

"I meant what I said... there's nothing I won't give you."

He smiles at me sweetly and I watch him work, stealing banana slices from the plate every time he turns to the stove.

"I think there's a hungry little monkey on the loose," he laughs, slicing another banana. I giggle and he winks at me. Mush.

He takes my hand and leads me to the table, setting my plate in front of me. He pulls the pencil from my makeshift knot, letting my hair fall around me, and kisses the top of my head. He goes back and pours two cups of coffee, fixing mine just the way I like it, and comes to sit next to me, pulling his chair close.

"Aren't you going to eat with me? We could have had something else... "

"That's what you wanted. You can always have what you want. I'm just not hungry, sweetheart."

It's the first time he hasn't eaten with me, with the exception of yesterday morning. I'd just assumed he'd already eaten. This time I think my shared memories have affected his appetite. It makes me wonder, "Is it bad that I am?"

"Not at all. I want you to eat."

I take a bite and smile at him. "Is there anything you don't do perfectly?"

"Talk to you."

"Jaimin, please don't say that. It's just not true. Can we move past this? What if I promise you to always tell you if you hurt my feelings? I believe I've already done that with you, haven't I?"

"A few times. I know I've hurt you more than that."

"Please listen to me. If you think I'm being difficult, you can tell me that. You're not her. If I'm bothering you or irritating you, I want you to tell me. I want to know. My mother was bothered by my mere existence... I know you don't feel that way, but it doesn't mean I won't ever test your patience. You can call me spoiled. You can call me a brat. You can tell me when I'm being self-centered. I can't promise you that I'll never be that, but I'd like to know when you feel neglected or hurt by it.

"You understand some things now. I'm not asking you to excuse my faults because of that understanding, I just hope you never doubt how important you are to me. If I get lost in that place, it doesn't mean I don't need you... it just means I need the escape I find there. And I want you to know something. I left your arms to go there this morning, but I took you with me. I wasn't alone. I panicked for a second when you stepped in, but there was no reason for that. I'd already let you in."

"You amaze me, Claire. You're not self-centered. I was wrong about that. I'll never say those words to you again. I promise you that. And there's something else. I'm sorry I told you to be quiet. I'll never, ever do that again."

"I wasn't hurt by that. It was a misunderstanding, and it was my fault. I shouldn't have put either of you in that position. I should have talked to you. I need you to understand something, Jaimin... I respect you. I respect you as a man - the man you've been to me, and I respect what you've worked for and built for yourself. I'm truly sorry if I have done or said anything to undermine or disrespect you there. That's unacceptable to me. I was mortified the night that woman went there. I understood why you had to go. She was wrong, no matter what she felt you did to her personally. One has nothing to do with the other. I didn't need to question you when you came back. You have the right to protect your business. You have the right to protect your reputation. You deserve to be respected there. You have every right to expect it. You have every right to demand it. Don't make me an exception to that. If I step over that line, I want you to put me in my place. You don't owe me any apology."

"I don't think any woman has ever had respect for me, except for my mother, perhaps. Hers ends at my business, and doesn't include the sign above the doors." He winks at me and continues, "She'd be almost as stunned as I am if she heard you now. I'm sure I haven't earned that from you, but I'll spend my life trying to be worthy of it."

"Where has my arrogant bastard run off to this morning?"

"I don't know, beautiful, he's probably at the gallery trying to put the pieces of his head back together."

We both laugh, and I get up to take my plate to the sink, kissing him on the cheek on my way. "Thank you for breakfast. It was delicious, as usual. Would you like some more coffee?"

"You're very welcome, I'm glad you liked it." He stands and grabs our coffee cups, following me. "Yes to coffee, but I'll get it, and yours, and I'll clean up. You relax and tell me the story."

"You cooked, let me clean it up." I turn on the water and reach for the sponge, but he reaches over me to turn it off and spins me to face him.

"What happened to as I see fit?"

I pout at him and he lifts me and sets me on the counter. "That's a very pretty lip, but I said no."

"It's going to be all your fault when I'm spoiled beyond repair."

"As long as I'm the only one you want to spoil you, I can live with that."

"My last stop. See? I remember the things you've said."

"I don't apologize for that one. I meant it."

"You make me smile."

"Then maybe I shouldn't make you sad. What would you like to do?"

"Sit on the couch with you. It's okay, it won't make me sad. I'm more worried about you."

"Don't be. Go get comfortable, I'll bring the coffee. Do you want anything else?"

"Just you."

"That's already yours."




We settle comfortably on the couch and I try to assemble the events of that day in my mind. I know this will break his heart, but he wants to know, so I'll share my memories with him.

I realize as I begin that the details are as clear as if it were yesterday...

"My father made me breakfast, like he always did. After he left for work, she sent me to my room. I had everything a little girl could want in that room. I think my father tried to make up for what I didn't have by buying me things. I had every toy, every pretty doll, every book...

"I played and drew and tried to keep quiet. At some point I fell asleep. When I woke up I was hungry and went to tell her, just like I was supposed to, but I couldn't open my door. I tried and tried, but it wouldn't open. I knew she had locked me in. She had been threatening to do it...

"But I knew I hadn't done anything bad, so I didn't understand. I went to my window where I could see the front of our yard and driveway. Her car wasn't where it always was. She left me alone again. My father knew she had done this and had hidden his phone number in my room, our secret. I was supposed to call him at work if she did it again.

"I wanted to call him, but I was locked in and the phone was in the kitchen. I had to stand on a chair to reach it. He came right home when I called him. He was mad at her. He yelled at her when she came back. That made her mad at me. I knew that was why she locked me in. She didn't want me to be able to call him this time.

"I stood at the window and waited. I stood there for a very long time. I saw a car pull in. I didn't recognize it. Then my grandmother got out and walked to the door. I could hear her knocking. I wanted to let her in. I liked her. She always smiled at me. She was always nice to me. She liked me. She didn't like my mother very much. That was okay with me. Sometimes she came with my grandfather and they took me to lunch at fancy restaurants. I made sure not to spill anything on my dress, because after lunch they took me to the museums to look at the paintings. I was fascinated by the paintings.

"I wanted her to come in. I didn't hear the knocking anymore. I watched her walk back to her car. She was going to leave. She opened the door and started to get in, but then she stopped. She looked right up at me and smiled. I put my hands on the window and somehow she knew.

"Her face made me sad. She wasn't smiling anymore. She ran back to the door, then I saw her run where I couldn't see her anymore. I heard glass break and then I heard her yelling my name. When she got to my door and couldn't open it, I heard her crying. She told me not to be scared and she was going to go use the phone and she would be right back.

"The kitchen was far away from my room, but I could hear her yelling to someone. Then she was back. She told me to come and sit by the door so she could talk to me. She told me stories. She told me a story about when she was a little girl. She was playing a hiding game and she got locked in a closet. I told her I wasn't playing a game. I told her that my mother locked me in so I couldn't tell Daddy she left again. I told her I had Daddy's phone number in a secret hiding place but I would get it out so she could call him. I told her he would come and open the door.

"I heard her crying again and then I heard my grandfather tell her to stop. He told me I was a very brave girl and not to be afraid because he was going to make a very loud noise. Then he told me to go lay on my bed and put the pillow on my ear so the loud noise wouldn't hurt. He broke the door open and came in and made a funny face at me. It made me smile. He picked me up and carried me to the kitchen where I saw my grandmother wiping tears off of her face. He shook his head at her and she smiled and took me from him.

"She always hugged me when she saw me, but this time was different. She didn't let go for a long time. I knew she was sad because my mother locked me in my room. I didn't want her to be sad anymore. I wasn't locked in anymore. She could smile now.

"My grandfather asked me if I was hurt. I said no. They looked at each other, then my grandmother set me down on top of the table. She started looking at me. She looked for a long time at my face. She looked at my arms and legs. She took off my socks and looked at my feet. She ran her hand over my shirt in the front and back. I didn't understand why. I said "I didn't get dirty, I promise. I know little girls who get dirty become ugly. I want to be pretty so Daddy will like me and not leave me alone". She put her hand over her mouth. My grandfather asked me if my mommy told me that and I nodded. He shook his head. I didn't understand. I said "I'm not lying" and he said he believed me. He said he was shaking his head at Mommy, not me. I told him I saw Daddy do that sometimes.

"I asked if we could have lunch at a fancy place and go see the pretty pictures. I told them I would put on a pretty dress. He looked at the clock on the wall and I heard my grandmother make a noise and turn around so I couldn't see her. He said we could go tomorrow, but today Grandmother would make me lunch. She turned around and I saw her wiping tears again. She asked me if I ate today. I told her Daddy made me breakfast. I told her Daddy made me breakfast every day, and sometimes lunch if Mommy forgot, but not today. I asked her if it was time for lunch yet. I told her I was hungry.

"She fixed me something to eat and they sat with me and asked me questions... Did Mommy forget lunch a lot? Did Mommy leave you alone a lot? Did Mommy lock you in your room a lot? Did Mommy yell a lot? What did Mommy say when she yelled? Did Mommy ever hurt you? Did Daddy? I answered all of their questions. I told the truth. I told them Daddy said to always tell the truth, even if Mommy told me to lie. I told them about the Invisible game. I told them everything I could think of. They didn't tell me to be quiet. They wanted me to talk. They wanted to know everything. They told me I was a good girl. They told me I was smart. They told me I was the bravest little girl in the whole world.

"They decided it was time to call my father. He rushed right home. He told me he was sorry. He told me it would never happen again. My grandmother said no, it wouldn't. They were angry at him. I didn't understand why, he wasn't the one who locked me in my room and left me. He was nice to me. I told him my door was broken. He said it was okay. I told him it was loud. My grandmother said it was too quiet in our house. He put his face in his hands. I told him I could still see him. I told him I could show him how to be invisible. My grandmother said I wasn't going to play that game anymore. She told him the games were over. I didn't understand that either because Daddy never played that game.

"She told me there was a place where little girls didn't have to be quiet and play invisible games. She said little girls were never hungry and never alone in this place. She said no one ever locked them in rooms. She said they could make noise and get dirty and they were still pretty and they were always loved. I asked her if there was paper in this place. She didn't understand. Daddy told her I liked to draw pictures. He looked sad. She said there would always be paper there. She asked me if I would like to go there. I asked her if my mother would be there. I told her she wouldn't like that place. She said no. I asked her if there were dolls there. She said all of my dolls could go with me and there would be new ones, too. I told her I would like this place. I knew Daddy wouldn't go there with me. I knew Daddy would stay with my mother, so I didn't ask him. I asked her if she would be there. She said yes, and Grandfather, too. I asked her if I would belong there. She made a face at Daddy and he put his head on the table. Then she picked me up and hugged me again and said yes, I would always belong there. I said I wanted to go. I told her Mommy said I didn't belong here.

"My mother came in then. She looked at everyone and then she looked at me. She told me I was a bad girl. She told me I was ugly. Then she laughed. My grandmother set me back in the chair and then went right up to her and slapped her face. My mother said we don't hit in this house. She said it was Daddy's rule, lucky for Claire. Daddy told her to be quiet. I never heard him say that before. She didn't like it. She started yelling. Grandmother told me to go in my room and pick my most favorite things and put them on my bed. She said she would come to help me in a minute, but first she had to talk to Mommy and Daddy. I went and there was lots of yelling. Even Grandfather was yelling. He was yelling at my mother. They were all yelling at her. She was in trouble. I didn't like the yelling. I wanted to close my door, but it was broken.

"The yelling stopped and Grandmother came into my room. I was trying to push my dollhouse by my bed. She asked me if that was one of my favorite things. I said yes, but it's too heavy and I can't put it on my bed. She smiled at me. She said Grandfather was strong and would pick it up. I believed her. Grandfather broke my door to let me out.

"She went to my closet and got my suitcases. They were a present from her and Grandfather. They said someday they would take me on a trip. I asked her if it was time for our trip. She said yes. She was packing clothes in the suitcases and I asked her if my dolls would fit too. I wanted them to come. She opened the chest at the foot of my bed and said the dolls could go in there. I said they would be scared. I said they couldn't breathe in there. She said the dolls were brave like me and they wouldn't be scared. I told her I was scared in there and I couldn't breathe. She asked me if I was playing a game in the chest when I was scared and couldn't breathe. I told her Mommy told me to get in and she closed the lid. She put her hand on her mouth again. Grandfather came in and said we weren't taking that chest. He said he would find something else to carry my dolls. He said they would be able to breathe. Daddy was in the door. He said I didn't tell him about that. I told him Mommy said if I tell him she would make me get in again. She said next time she wouldn't let me out. She said she would hide it and not even Daddy would find it. No one would ever let me out. I believed her. I didn't want to go back in there, so I didn't tell. Now I told. Please don't let Mommy put me in there."

I stop. I heard myself. I heard the voice that came out of me. It wasn't mine. It was hers. How long have I been telling the story through her little voice?

Jaimin is broken next to me. I knew it would hurt him. I take a deep breath, I have to finish. I have to get to the end. He has to see that I'm okay.

"My grandmother was crying, shaking her head. Grandfather said no, she would never do that. He would never let her. He picked me up and said he promised. He said it was time for me and Grandmother to go. He said he wanted to talk to Mommy and Daddy first, but then he would come and he would bring my things. I told him not to forget my dolls. He said he wouldn't forget and he promised they would be able to breathe. I said okay. I believed him. I told him about the house. I told him it was heavy. I told him Daddy could help him. He said Daddy was weak. He looked at him when he said it. Daddy didn't say anything. He told Grandmother to stop crying and be brave like Claire. He gave me to her and told her to take me home where I belonged. He said he would be there soon.

"I asked Grandmother to put me down. She did, and I went to get my father's phone number from its secret place. He walked over to me and took it from my hand and put it in his pocket. He told me I didn't need it anymore. I looked up at him. He didn't smile at me. My mother said I was ugly. I didn't know what I did to become ugly. I wasn't dirty. I told the truth like he told me to.

"I knew why he wasn't smiling. He didn't like me anymore. She was right, but he wasn't leaving me. I was leaving him. He didn't look sad. I would have been sad if he left me, but he wasn't sad. He knew she would be happy when I was gone. He wanted her to be happy.

"My grandmother took my hand and picked up one of my suitcases. Grandfather grabbed the other two and stood by the door. He was looking at my father. I told Daddy goodbye and he told me to be a good girl. That was all he said. No, he didn't like me anymore. She led me out of my room and I stopped in front of my parents' door. I said I wanted to say goodbye. I wanted to make Mommy smile. I wanted Daddy to know I made her smile. I wanted him to see. I knocked on the door, but she didn't open it. My grandfather knocked harder and said "Your daughter wants to say goodbye to you. Open this door." She laughed and then she said she didn't have a daughter. Grandfather told her he would break it down and she opened it. She looked at me and said "You can't even go away quietly. You want to say goodbye to me?" I nodded at her. "Then say it," she said. I said goodbye as quietly as I could. She didn't smile like I thought she would. She said "Don't come back," and slammed the door in my face.

"I put my hand on the door. I wanted to know what it felt like. It felt hard and cold. It felt like I thought my mother would feel if I touched her. I looked at my father and he didn't look sad or angry. He wasn't mad at Mommy anymore. He didn't care if she was mean to me anymore. My grandmother picked me up and ran with me out of the house. I didn't go back. I never saw my mother or that house again."

I reach up and wipe the tears from his face for the second time. "Please don't cry for me. It's all over, they're gone, and now I have you."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"

"Yes. You make me happy. You make me feel wanted and adored. You want to take care of me and protect me. And look at me... I'm covered in paint and you still think I'm beautiful."

"That's all true, Claire, but how can I take your pain away? I'm only an audience to your memories and they will hurt me for the rest of my life."

"You're breaking my heart."

He pulls me into his arms and his voice is shaky, "I don't want to do that, I'm sorry, but the knowledge of what that precious little girl had to endure has shattered mine."

"It doesn't hurt anymore. I know it wasn't my fault. I know I didn't do anything wrong. I stopped asking why a long time ago. I know it's sad. If I was hearing that story told by someone else, it would rip me open, but I can't feel sorry for myself. I wish they had loved her, but they didn't. I can't change that. I left that place, Jaimin. I was taken away from there by people who did love me. No child ever had a better life, I promise you that."

"I'm so sorry, sweetheart."

"I know." I smile at him and add "You know, if it makes you feel any better, after we pulled away, my grandfather went back in the house and beat the hell out of my father."

He raises a brow in appreciation. "I would have liked your grandfather."

"I thought you might like that. Of course, I didn't know about that until much later. My grandmother told me. I asked her one day if she ever spoke to my mother. I was curious. She said no, and she never would. She said my grandfather told my mother that night that she made her choice. She wanted a weak man who would choose her over his child. She got what she wanted. He told her that's all she would ever have. Then he showed her how weak he really was.

"They never spoke to my mother again. They couldn't forgive the things she had done. They said they didn't have a daughter. She didn't exist to them anymore. They chose me."

He smiles at me, but he's quiet. I know it will take time for the images to fade from his mind. I wish I hadn't put them there. I rest my head on his shoulder and relish the feel of his arms around me for as long as I can before I have to attend to details of burying my parents.

My moment of tranquility is cut short by a knock at the door. I start to climb from his lap, but he sets me on the couch and gets up to answer it. I hear Nadine's voice.

"Hello, Jaimin. I think Claire got a delivery, did she not know it was here?"

I see Jaimin's hand ball into a fist at his side and go to see what's upset him. As soon as I get to the door, I see it.

"It's lovely, don't you want to know who sent it?" Nadine asks innocently.

"Only one person would have sent this," I say, my voice barely audible.

Jaimin's voice is chilling, "Tell me it's not."

"It is."

Before us is the chest from my room in my parents' house.

"Don't you want to bring it in?" Nadine asks.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Jaimin yells at her.

I put my hand on his arm, "No... she doesn't know." He looks at me, surprise on his face, and I whisper, "Only you."

Nadine is confused. "What is it?"

"Just come in. That stays out." He looks at me sadly. "I'll get rid of it. You'll never see it again, I promise."

Nadine steps in and Jaimin begins to close the door behind her, but I put my hand on the door to stop him. "Wait. I want to know if there's anything inside."

"No, Claire."

"If it came today, then clearly she had something to say to me. I want to know. Then you can take it away."

"It won't be what you want it to be. The fact that she sent this is proof of that. Don't let her hurt you. Don't ask me to. Please, sweetheart."

"Your mother?" Nadine asks, "I don't know what this is, but I agree with Jaimin. Don't open it, honey."

"I don't want it to be anything... but I need to know. Can you both just support me? If she's intent on knocking me down, even on her way to Hell, then can you please just be here to help me back up?"

I look at both of them, my eyes pleading for understanding.

"Okay... " Jaimin whispers, kissing me on the forehead, "if that's what you need."

Nadine reaches her hand out to me hesitantly. I give her a small smile and take it. Jaimin pops the latch and looks at me. I nod and he opens the lid of the chest. Inside is the drawing I gave to my mother and a letter.

I reach down and pick up the drawing, "It was the only time she ever smiled at me."

Nadine's voice is a plea, "Claire... you told me about that picture... that she sent it to you is evil. Please don't read that letter. Jaimin, don't let her."

"So, you want me to control her now?"

"That's why I came, and to check on her... "

He puts his hand up to stop her. "She wants support. I don't want her to read it any more than you do, but if she thinks she needs this, then I have to let her have it."

He reaches down and picks up the letter, holding it out to me. "Are you sure?"

I nod and take it from him, "I have no expectations."

I open the letter and read my mother's parting words:

Claire,
     If you're reading this, then I am gone and my wish has been carried out. It won't matter if you tell your father now, he stopped caring a long time ago about you. Maybe he's gone, too. I hope he is. He can't live without me. You know that. He wanted you for a moment, but he chose me. He'll always choose me.
    I never wanted you. I wasn't going to have you. I wasn't going to tell him about you. I was so close. I was going to have you ripped out of me and thrown away. I was minutes from doing just that when he caught me. He drug me out of that place. He made me carry you inside of me. He made me have you. The feeling of you inside of me made me sick. 
   When you were born, the way he smiled at you made me hate you. I hated you more every day. I hated that everyone said you were beautiful. I hated that everyone said you were good. You weren't good. You were there to take what was mine. I wanted to hurt you. I wanted to see pain and fear in those big stupid eyes of yours that everyone said would steal souls. 
   I saw a picture of you one day. I caught your father looking at it. It was in the newspaper, something about some award you won for some stupid painting. There was a boy in the picture with you, looking at you like you walked on water. You stole that boy's soul. I heard about what that boy did to himself, that they found him in his studio full of paintings of you. That's what you do, you drain the life from people. You suck them in with your eyes and your pretty face and then you destroy them. That's what you did to him. That's what you tried to do to me. That's what you tried to do to your father. I couldn't let you. I didn't let you. 
   I ripped that paper from his hand and threw it in the fire. I stood there and watched you burn and I knew that's what I should have done. That's my one regret in life. You were in the chest. The lid was closed. The latch was locked. I had my chance. I should have burned it. You would have screamed. You would have cried. I wouldn't have been able to see your eyes, but there would have been pain in them. There was fear when I opened that lid. I wanted to see tears. You never gave me that. You were too selfish. I hope you cry now. I hope you remember. I want you to remember. You weren't good. The only good thing you ever did was draw that picture, but even that was selfish. You knew it would make me smile. How could I not smile at the thought of life without you? Selfish brat.
   I want you to know that I'm happy today. Your grandfather died today, and now you are truly alone. That's why I'm writing to you. I've waited for this day. You have no one. You'll cry for him, and no one will be there to wipe your tears. I hope you're alone now, reading this. I hope you're crying and alone. I hope there's no one there to comfort you. I hope there's no one there for you to drain the life out of. I hope you feel pain. I hope it burns you alive. I wish I had.




I'm not crying. I'm stunned by the depth of her hatred for me, but there aren't tears. My shock is all she gets. That's not the only thing she was wrong about. I'm not alone. I'm far from alone. I look at the two people that I know care about me and smile. They're not smiling. They haven't even seen her cruel words to me, but they knew it's all she would give me.

"You won't like it... but you can read it if you want to. You're both proof that she's wrong. I'm very grateful for that."

I hold it out and Jaimin takes it from me, his eyes filled with tenderness. I don't want to watch the pain that will build there when he reads her words. I touch his arm and then let my hand fall and start to back away. They both watch me and Nadine steps closer to him. I smile again and they bend their heads to read it together.

I turn now, and walk to the window. It's starting to rain. The early morning sun was shining a moment ago, but there's no trace of it now, only a rapidly darkening sky.

There's something peaceful to be found there in its depths. I hear the muffled sounds of tortured souls behind me. I wish they didn't hurt for me. I wish I could take it away. I watch the spattering of drops against the window, and I place my hands on the glass, willing myself to feel them. I want to feel them. It's falling harder now, an assault from an angry sky. It wasn't supposed to rain today. I think of my grandparents. I think they've sent this. No doubt my grandmother's tears are mixed in, my mother's hateful words to me breaking her beautiful heart. Yes, they've sent this. I'm sure of it. If I were burning, this would put out the flames.

I open the window and lean out. The air is cold, and the rain is hard, but it feels good on my face. I feel every drop as if it were one, each a different message, each a drop of strength. They're drenching me with love, not allowing the hate to touch me. This is what I wanted to feel, to know they're here with me.

I close my eyes and let it wash over me. I hear noise from behind me, the slam of the lid of the chest, the close of the door. They're finished reading her farewell to me. I don't open my eyes, I don't turn around. I can't look at their pained faces, not yet.

I feel him behind me before he touches me, then his arms wrap around me. I don't move. Now I have everything.

I know he's getting wet, and I know he doesn't care. Everything's getting wet. I feel the water puddling around my feet on the wood floor. I wiggle my toes and it makes a gentle splash. It makes me laugh.

The memory gives itself to me. I want to give it to him, I want it to ease his pain.

"I've always liked the rain, except once... we were supposed to have a picnic. It was a warm, sunny day. Everything was ready and we were just stepping outside when it started to rain.

"It came out of nowhere, just like today. I was mad. I said I didn't like the rain. It started pouring, as if to say ha ha, Claire. My grandfather looked at my pouting face and said he was going to go yell at the rain. He went outside and started yelling, shaking his fist at the sky. It made me smile. He was watching me in the doorway. He smiled at me and did it again. He started swinging at the drops that were soaking him. It only rained harder. He started kicking at the puddles forming quickly on the ground. I wanted to do that. It looked fun. I started to walk out, and my grandmother grabbed my hand. He shook his head at her and reached his hand out to me. She let go and I went to him. He smiled at me and took my hand in his and then he stomped in the puddle and splashed all over me.

"I was surprised. I looked at my grandmother and she yelled "Splash him back!". I looked at him and he was still smiling. I knew he wouldn't get mad. He never got mad at me. I stomped my little foot and when it splashed him, he made a face that made me laugh. It was the first time I ever laughed.

"The sound that came out of me surprised us all. He picked me up and hugged me and I saw my grandmother start crying. He said he didn't know what made bigger puddles, the rain or Grandmother's tears, and he jumped with me in his arms and splashed us both. I laughed again. I wasn't mad at the rain anymore. I forgot about our ruined picnic. We played in the rain for a long time. Afterwards, we got cleaned up and had a picnic on the floor. I always liked the rain after that day."

He kisses the top of my dripping wet head and whispers, "I'll always like it after today."

I pull lightly on his arms, and he loosens them just enough so that I can turn myself to face him. "I had good days, Jaimin. I promise you I had so many more good than bad. I know your heart breaks for that little girl, but she isn't sad or afraid anymore." I stomp my foot and the water splashes up at us, and I laugh. "She's all grown up and still playing in the rain, laughing and having fun."

He reaches over me and closes the window. His eyes are sad, but he smiles at me. "I'm glad you had good days, sweetheart, but my heart breaks for both of you. There's still some of that innocent little girl in you. You didn't deserve what she did to you, then or now. Don't listen to her. She is wrong, wrong about everything. You are good. You could never be anything else. You don't drain the life out of anything or anyone, you give everything new life. You make the world better. You make me a better man. I'll probably never be worthy of you, Claire, but I'll try. I promise you I'll try, and I'll do everything I can to make sure you're never sad or afraid again, and that you always laugh and have fun. And listen to me... you're not selfish. You're strong. That little girl was strong. You're the strongest person I've ever met. I'm in awe of you."

The things he says... he could never hurt me with words. "Did anyone ever tell you that you're incredibly sweet?"

"Definitely not. You do that to me. And by the way... as for you being all grown up... " he rings out my hair and laughs, "I'm not convinced of that, but you sure are adorable."

"You're the only person to ever say that to me."

"Good."

I smile at him and look down. "I made a mess."

"I just helped."

"I'm going to grab some things to clean this up and see where Nadine is hiding."

"I think she's in the kitchen."

When I walk into the kitchen, she's sitting at the table. When she looks up at me, I know she's been crying. It's not something I've seen very much, Nadine's heart doesn't break easily, but she has her moments. It's always words that get her. His fight for me yesterday brought tears to her eyes, but my mother's assault today seems to have broken her.

"Are you alright?"

She shakes her head at me, but doesn't speak. She's fighting back more tears. She looks past me and gives a small smile, and then I feel Jaimin's hands on the bottom of my sweatshirt.

"Arms up, you little drowned kitten."

I raise my arms and ask, "Isn't it supposed to be rat?"

He pulls the soaked sweatshirt over my head and replies, "Rats are ugly. Kittens are adorable, like you." He tosses the sweatshirt on the counter and pulls out a chair. "Sit."

I do as I'm told and he starts drying my hair with a towel he must have brought from the bathroom. "You make me feel adored," I say quietly.

He tilts my head back to look into my eyes, "You are."

When he lets go, I see Nadine watching us. "I know neither of you owe me the courtesy, but can I say something?"

I nod at her and she looks to Jaimin for a response.

"As long as you don't upset her, say anything you want."

"That's the last thing I want to do."

"Would you ladies like some coffee?"

"If Claire didn't make it," Nadine laughs.

I stick my tongue out at her and he tilts my head back again. "Not even coffee?"

"My coffee is fine... " I start to say. I hear Nadine make a choking sound and he smiles at me. "She's just mean. Can I have hot chocolate? There's a box next to the sugar."

"I'm sure your coffee is unique... " he says with a wink. Even upside down it turns me to mush, and he chuckles. "You can have hot chocolate, but it's not going to come from any box. Your box is about to cry."

"Welcome back, Mr. Arrogant," I say with a wiggle of my brows.

He drops the towel on my head and sighs, "I knew you missed him. I'll try not to be too jealous."

I giggle and throw the towel at him. Nadine smiles at me, then her face grows serious, and I gesture to her to go ahead.

She takes a deep breath before she starts talking. "I'm sorry, to both of you. That's why I came here this morning, and to check on you. I see that I didn't need to be worried. You're in good hands. I understand why you didn't answer any of my calls last night. I deserved that. I know it isn't about me, I don't mean to sound selfish... "  she cringes at the word and looks at me sadly, "I hate myself for the way I behaved yesterday. Claire... I had no right to judge you or the way you handled what happened. You don't owe either of them any tears. You don't owe them any emotion. I thought maybe your father... but maybe that's because I know something that you don't. I know he called you sometimes, and I know he sent you things. We both know that he watched you... he should have had the courage to come to you. You shouldn't have had to pretend not to see him.

"Maybe this isn't the right time, but I don't know when is, so I'm going to give you something." She reaches into the pocket of her jacket and pulls out an envelope, laying it on the table between us. "There's a key and an address. I think you'll be surprised at what you find there. I'll go with you if you want, or maybe you'd rather take Jaimin... but I just want you to know that your father did love you. I know he didn't show it, and waited much too long to tell you, and did it in the most selfish way, but he did. You don't have to care. You don't owe him that, but you have the right to know what he kept hidden from you. I played a part in that, and I pray you don't hate me for that. I hoped that someday he would try... I'm sorry if I was wrong."

Jaimin sets coffee in front of her and she smiles her thanks. He holds out sugar and cream but she shakes her head. He looks at the envelope on the table and leans down to whisper to me. "Are you okay?"

I nod and he turns back to what looks like a very complicated preparation of hot chocolate. Who am I kidding, the stuff in the box is complicated to me...

I smile at Nadine and she continues, "I love you, Claire. Please don't make me live my life without you. I promise you I know what you're worth. I know your phone rings. My phone rings, too. They all want you. I know you don't have to be loyal to me, and if you choose to leave, I won't stop you. I just want you to think. They won't care the way I do. They won't protect you the way I do. No one will. I'm not trying to manipulate you, I swear I'm not. I just want you to think about what's right for you. You know what you want, you know what you need. You know I'll always give you that. I know you don't need me, I just hope that you still want me in your life. I'll support whatever decision you make professionally, but please don't take away my friend. You're the most important person in my life. I know that makes you uncomfortable, but I'm no different than anyone else... to know you is to love you." She puts her hands up in a helpless gesture, and I roll my eyes at her.

"Don't be ridiculous, Nadine. I'm not leaving you, professionally, or otherwise. You made me angry. I know that my behavior yesterday was unusual, but I'm not mad about your concern for that. I know you care about me. You shouldn't have spoken to Jaimin behind my back. I don't care what your intentions were. Don't do it again. This is the last time I'm going to tell you that."

"Okay. I hear you. I'm sorry."

Jaimin sets my hot chocolate in front of me and stands against the counter with his coffee, watching me. I thank him and turn back to Nadine, "I'm really not the one you should be apologizing to."

"I know." She looks at Jaimin and asks, "Would you come and sit down? Please?"

He comes and sits next to me, but his tone to her is cool, "You feel how you feel, Nadine. Don't apologize for it, but be careful what you say to me."

I take a sip of my hot chocolate and murmur, "Poor box." Jaimin gives me a satisfied smirk and we turn our attention to Nadine.

"That's not how I feel. I am sorry. I had no right to say those things to you. I don't know what came over me. I don't believe that. You've been wonderful to her, I know that. I know you care about her. I don't believe you would ever hurt her if you could prevent it. I don't question your feelings for her, I won't say any more than that... I meant what I said to you earlier in the day.

"I don't question your motives, and I know you would never take advantage of her. I'm very sorry for all of that, and I'm sorry I attacked your character. I shouldn't have done that. It's not my business. Whatever you did before her is between you and her. I'm not an angel, I have no right to judge you, and I don't, but she's much sweeter than you and I. I know you don't need me to tell you that. I have my reasons for worrying, and they're not about you, but it's not my place to explain what that means. I won't make that mistake again. I'm sorry I put that on you. I hope someday you can understand that I mean what I'm saying, or give me the chance to prove it. I'd really like us to be friends.

"She is different with you. I shouldn't have called it strange. It's not strange at all. It's special. I know that, and maybe part of me is jealous. I've never felt threatened by her relationships before - and I swear I'm not trying to throw anyone in your face - but maybe I'm just afraid you'll take her away from me. I've never believed anyone had that power, until now. I'm sorry to both of you for that, I know it's childish, but I can't help it. I don't want to lose her. You know how special she is, maybe you can understand my irrational behavior just a little?"

He's looking at her thoughtfully, I think he's surprised. I know I am, I know that wasn't easy for her. She doesn't like to apologize. She rarely admits she's wrong about anything. She meant it, I don't doubt that, but I don't know if he will see that. He's been polite to her this morning. I know that was for me, but now I'm not sure how he'll respond to her direct words to him. I only wish that she wouldn't have opened a door with her apology. Maybe he'll forget...

"I'm fairly confident in my ability to read people. I believe you mean it. Your behavior was irrational last night, I now have an understanding of why. She was leaning on me, you wanted her to lean on you. She showed vulnerability that you're unaccustomed to seeing. She showed it to me instead of you, so you lashed out. If you want to go toe to toe with me, you just let me know, but don't hurt her with it again. I'll crush you. Think about that next time. Put her first. As long as you can remember to do that, and never question my motives again, we'll get along fine. I understand jealousy, Nadine, and as I recall, you warned me about my own just yesterday. Perhaps you should take your own advice about that. And as for me taking her away from you... she's not yours."

"Are you implying that she's yours?"

"I'm not implying anything. She is mine. I'll share her as much as she wants to be shared. See her about scheduling as it applies to you."

Oh, my arrogant bastard is definitely here...


"She can hear you, you know. I heard someone say that to her once. I never saw them again, if that's any indication of how much she doesn't like that."

He winks at me, because he knows. He turns back to Nadine, cocky as ever, "That's funny, she doesn't look upset. Perhaps I know better than you do what she likes?"

She takes one look at me and puts her hand to my forehead, like she's checking for a fever. "Claire? What the hell has he done to you?"

I shrug and smile at her, and she sighs. "Nevermind, I already know. At least you're not denying it anymore. I should probably get going. Is there anything you need?"

Jaimin stands suddenly, "Actually, Nadine, could you stay just a few more minutes? I want to take care of something, and I'd rather she wasn't alone."

"Sure."

"That's not necessary. I have a mess to clean up, and then I'd like to take a shower. Jaimin, you don't have to feel like a prisoner here. I know you'd probably like to at least check in at the restaurant. Do what you need to do, and Nadine needs to get to the gallery. I will be fine."

They both start to speak at once, and Jaimin gestures to Nadine to go first.

"Things are under control at the gallery, I'm in no rush."

"I don't need to check in at the restaurant, they'll call me if there's an emergency, and I'll tell them how to handle it. They don't expect me today. The only thing that matters is you, Claire. Unfortunately, I have to leave you for a few minutes to dispose of something. I'd like to do that while Nadine is still here."

"Please," Nadine whispers to him. When she looks at me I see the pain in her eyes. "I'm sorry, Claire, I don't want to upset you... I can't believe she put you in there... she's horrible... and what she said... it breaks my heart... "

"NADINE."

"Okay, Jaimin, but I need to say something. Do you know how your mother died, Claire?"

"He just said that it was a car accident."

"I know you're not a vindictive person, but I want you to know how.  She burned. The car flipped. She was trapped. It caught fire. There were witnesses, they stopped, and they called for help, but no one could get her out. She was afraid, and she screamed, and she cried. She was alone in that car, and she burned alive."

I expect Jaimin to yell at her, but he doesn't. He can't. He's not upset. On this they agree. I know what they're thinking. She got what she deserved. Her hateful wish was turned on her.

When I don't respond, she looks at him and says "Much sweeter."

I can see it in his eyes when he looks at me. He's afraid I'm upset. I could never be upset with him for that. I can understand it, if it helps ease his pain for me. "Jaimin, if you're going, there's something else I want you to take. Upstairs... "

He smiles at me, "I'll get it."

"Upstairs?" Nadine asks.

"Yes."

"In your studio?"

"Yes."

"And he'll get it?"

"Yes."

She gapes at me, and runs to the other room, just as he's coming down the stairs with the painting. "You've never even let me in there!" She's glaring at me, waiting for some kind of reply.

"I don't know what you want me to say."

"Tell me why."

"Why what?"

"Why did you let him?"

"That's between Jaimin and I. I'm not going to share that with you."

He sets the painting down by the door and shakes his head at her as he walks toward the bedroom.

"Show me, Claire. I want to see."

"I can't do that."

"Why not?"

"Don't do this, Nadine. I can't. You know that."

"Yes you can. You did it for him."

Why is she so insistent? I suddenly don't trust her. I start to move closer to the stairs. "I said no."

She steps up onto the first step. "What's wrong, Claire? Am I making you nervous?"

I hear the sudden panic in my voice, "Don't. I mean it."

"Don't what? This?" she taunts, taking another step.

I move towards her, but my legs feel heavy. "It isn't funny. Stop."

She takes two more steps up, and tears start to fill my eyes. I'm frozen in place now, I can't move. I can't stop her. Is she really so jealous that she would do this to me?

She takes another step up and I know that she is. A panicked cry escapes from me, and Jaimin comes running back into the room.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I want what she gave you. She's being selfish. No one ever taught her how to share. I'm going to teach her how easy it is."

"Shut your damn mouth."

She takes another step up and it drops me to my knees.

"Don't be so dramatic, Claire. Does he talk to you like that too?"

He picks me up from the floor and sets me on the couch and begins to softly stroke my hair. "It's okay, sweetheart. Don't cry. I won't let her. I promise."

"Stop babying her. She's not a child. You're making her weak," Nadine hisses, stepping up another step.

I haven't taken my eyes off of her. The "No" that I try to scream comes out as a strangled cry. I can't catch my breath.

He's torn. He doesn't want to leave my side, but he can't stop her from here. "Nadine, come down those stairs."

"I'm not Claire, I don't take orders from you."

"No, you're not. You're nothing like her, and you never will be. Much sweeter... that's what you said, but you don't seem to care much about that now, or about her at all. You told her no one would protect her like you do... you're wrong, and you're a liar. You're nothing but a manipulative, jealous bitch. You fooled me for a minute, but I've got you figured out now. It's over. You don't know me. You underestimated me. Don't make the mistake of thinking I'm a nice guy. I'd never hurt her, but someone who would... someone who is... you...  well... come down the fucking stairs, Nadine, while you still have the chance. I won't tell you again."

She places one foot on the step above her and his hand stills. The second he breaks contact with me, her face changes. She believes him. She's afraid. She steps down slowly, watching him. "Okay," she says, putting her hand up in a gesture of surrender, "I hear you. I'm down. She gets her way, as usual."

"Now get out."

"You can't kick me out of her apartment, and everything is fine now. Go. I'll leave when you get back."

"You think I would leave her alone with you now? You're delusional. Get out."

She looks at me now as if nothing happened. She's not sorry for what she tried to do, what she tried to take from me. She's not sorry at all. He's right. It's over. "Too far" is the only thing I can say to her.

"You don't mean that. You're just upset. I'll go now... you should get some rest, you look tired. We'll talk later." She stops near the door and looks at the painting Jaimin brought down from my studio, "What are you doing with this?"

He answers her, "That doesn't concern you."

"If you're planning to destroy it, it does concern me. Her work is valuable, no matter what the subject. I won't let you. She won't have to see it, I can sell it without it ever being hung. The rain has stopped, I'll take it with me now."

He leaves me now and rips it from her hands. "Her pain isn't for sale. For the last time, GET OUT."

Defeated, she opens the door. He moves to block my view, so I don't see what's on the other side of it, and closes it behind her. He leans the painting against the door and turns and walks back to me. He sits and pulls me into his arms and I let go. I let the tears fall for what I've lost today, and for what I never wanted to see. I can't pretend anymore. She gave me no choice. Too far. Much too far. She wants too much from me. There's only one thing I can do. I have to make one more run. I knew it this morning. He's the one person I could never bear to lose, the one person I can give everything to. The only one.

I hear the sudden pounding of rain again, but I don't need to feel it. I send them a silent I love you, and bury myself in him and whisper the words I know he'll understand. "That was damage."



















































Monday, March 21, 2011

Clear and Bright: Chapter Nine: Damage

                                              
                                 
I'm out of my apartment a bit earlier than usual this morning, since I've been cut off from my Monday morning ritual of 'to go' breakfasts. That's more than fine with me, it no longer appeals to me to take it anywhere.

I'm anxious. I miss him. His busy Saturday turned into a busy Sunday as well, and I haven't seen him since he deposited me and the fruits of our shopping trip at home. I don't have the slightest idea what to do with any of it, and even though he left explicit written instructions for that evening's dinner... I was overwhelmed. I had a cheese sandwich, which upon confessing, I was thoroughly scolded for. I've never put up with that from anyone before. Ever. The things I put up with now...

I'd woken up in the morning to find him watching me. We'd slept in his bed, much too innocently, though blissfully, just holding each other. I wanted to ask him what he was thinking, but I kept quiet. If he wanted to share his thoughts with me, he would. We laid there looking into each other's eyes for a long time, not needing to speak.

It wasn't long enough, we needed to get moving. He had a hectic day in front of him, but needed to know that I wouldn't starve in his absence. I wanted to point out that I'd managed not to for a very long time without him, but I made a promise to myself to keep a lid on my smart mouth. Well... for one day, anyway. I'm still waiting for that lesson he promised, anxiously and shamelessly, but there simply isn't time today.

I enjoyed our shopping trip, other than the fact that he wouldn't let me pay for any of it - something about insulting him as a man... I conceded quickly, I wanted to have a good day.

Our outing was a big step for him. It's a simple thing, but he's never spent that kind of time with anyone before. I don't think he let go of me once... if he wasn't holding my hand, he had his hand possessively on my back. He shot daggers at anyone who looked at me, and pulled me closer each time.


I've dealt with my share of jealous, possessive men. Everyone I've ever been with was that way. I've never liked it. I didn't understand it. They had nothing to be jealous of. Nadine always said I could turn the most gentle man into a crazed lunatic. Unfortunately, my history of overbearing boyfriends only seemed to prove she was right.

Jaimin is no different. If anything, he's even more intense than anyone I've ever known. It would have bothered me before, would have led me to my running path. Not this time. Not him. His gestures only made me feel adored and protected. I rolled my eyes at him a few times, when he was particularly affectionate in a manner that seemed  to be a show of marking his territory. I have to admit it was kind of cute, though I'd never tell him that. He arrogantly offered no apology. I, in turn, offered no resistance, to his unmasked pleasure. I reminded myself repeatedly that this is new for him. I can give him that much. It was a good day. He wore the most beautiful smile the entire morning, and I couldn't look at him without my legs turning to Jello. He was genuinely happy and I knew I was the reason.

I'm smiling at that thought as I enter Jouissance. It's more pleasant than recalling the angry, irritated state I left him in last night when I wouldn't let him pick me up to sleep at his apartment. I was in Selfish-Claire mode. It was his first glimpse of that part of me. He didn't like it. I hope he's over it this morning. I'm about to find out.

"Good morning, Claire. Thank goodness you're here. You can save us all."

"Good morning, Michel. Save you?"

"He's in a terrible mood this morning. I trust you can change that. We've been holding our collective breath waiting for you."

Crap. He's not over it. I'm now looking at several pairs of hopeful eyes. They clearly don't know that I'm responsible for the unpleasant start to their day. I think I'll keep that to myself.

"I'll do my best," I say cheerily.

Michel holds out his arm, "Allow me to escort you back to the kitchen."

Hoping I don't regret it, I decide to be playful. Maybe he'll be amused enough to forget he's angry. "Actually, let's have a little fun with him. Tell him I'm here and that I want my usual indulgence. Then tell him I want it to go."

Hopeful eyes have turned to horrified ones in a split second.

"If he were in a pleasant mood, then that might indeed be fun, but..."

I interrupt him before he can finish. I still think it's the best way. "Please, Michel? I'll take full responsibility if he doesn't see the humor in it."

He clearly doesn't want to, but he honors my request. I feel slightly guilty that I'm sending him into the lion's den, but hopefully he'll take it out on me instead of him if he's angry.

I hear the unmistakable sound of shattering china and wonder if I've made a mistake. Well, I thought it was funny...

A moment later, Michel comes out wide-eyed and Jaimin appears in the doorway behind him, dripping with arrogance. It takes everything I have not to laugh. I think he's trying to look menacing, but damn, if it isn't the sexiest thing I've ever seen. His sudden smirk tells me that my face has given me away. It also tells me that he isn't angry. Crisis averted.

"Come here," he orders in a stern voice.

A shiver runs up my spine at his simple command.

I know that my face has betrayed me again when he chuckles and adds "If you've got any legs. Do I need to come and get you?"

Ugh! He's so arrogant! I have very little faith in my legs, but I'll be damned if I give him the satisfaction. I say a silent prayer and walk purposefully toward him.

"Once again, you should get over yourself. You beckoned, Sir?"

"Sir? Now, that one I like."

"You wish."

He laughs wickedly, and says "We'll see about that," pulling me into his lair of culinary heaven.

I hear laughter. I'd forgotten that we had an audience. He clears his throat loudly and is met with quiet. It also serves to clear the kitchen, leaving us alone.

"You seem to have a well-oiled signal in place. Perhaps they're accustomed to you bringing women in here?"

"You have a smart mouth."

"So I'm told."

His eyes narrow angrily and he takes a deep breath, exhaling with a huff. "I'm going to say this once, so listen carefully. I have never brought a woman in here. Nor have I ever taken a woman into my office, with the exception of you. I have never allowed anyone to carry anything out of this restaurant, least of all breakfast. I don't serve breakfast. We are here early on Mondays for special deliveries. Those doors are supposed to be locked. The first morning you came here, I was here cooking only as a special favor to my mother. The door had been inadvertently left unlocked. You came in. One of my staff was so smitten by you that I was tricked into preparing your request. He wrapped it and allowed you to take it, unbeknownst to me. The weekly ritual that followed can only be explained by my arrogance. You could have gone to any number of places and ordered your breakfast, but you didn't. You came back here. You wanted mine. You were willing to go to great lengths to get that plate. It amused me. My intention was never to let you have it. It infuriated me that you always got your way. I put an exorbitant price tag on it, sure you would give up. You didn't bat an eye. I was sure you were crazy. And self-centered. And spoiled. It became a game. You wanted to play. You wanted to win. I was willing to let you, but you were sure as hell going to play by my rules. I've always had rules, Claire. You're the only person I've ever broken them for. You're the only exception. Now, is there anything else you'd like to accuse me of or make assumptions about?"

Well. Okay, then. "I... "

"You what?" his tone is harsh.

"I... nothing. I'm sorry. Would you like me to leave?"

"That's a ridiculous question, Claire. I'm not going to dignify it with an answer. Anything else?"

"I'm not spoiled."

"Yes, you are. Next."

"I'm not self-centered."

"No? Then why is it, in all of this time, that you never once noticed that there was never anyone else in the restaurant?"

"I don't know."

"Precisely", he says with a satisfied smirk.

"You don't know me well enough to say those things. You're wrong. And I don't know what you're doing over there, but if it's for me, don't bother. I'm leaving."

"Is this how it works? Spoiled little Claire doesn't like something so she runs away?"

"I haven't liked plenty of things, I didn't go anywhere."

"Yes, but those things were about me. Now that it's about you, it's different. Spoiled and self-centered. You're only proving my point. And it is for you. Now, sit down. No need to run and bother mommy with any big bad wolf stories."

He pulls a stool from somewhere behind a doorway in the rear of the kitchen and sets it near the counter; he has a place set there with a single rose. He was waiting for me. I hadn't noticed it until now.

"Congratulations, you're finally right about something. All I ever was was a bother to her. And if you think I'm such a terrible person, why do you want me here?"

He looks at me now, and his cocky demeanor falls away. His eyes grow serious and his voice soft, "I don't think you're a terrible person. I didn't say that, Claire. You're a bit of a brat, but I happen to find that adorable most of the time."

He stops, and cocks his head slightly. He's thinking about something. I wait.

"I think maybe I haven't paid close enough attention to your words. I'm sorry about that. You said you lived with your grandparents for a long time... but your mother... are your parents still alive?"

"Yes."

"Why weren't you with them?"

"They didn't want me."

The sadness in his face is heartbreaking. It hurts far more than the reality of my own words. He tenderly cups my face in his hands as he whispers "How could anyone not want you? What kind of monsters must they be? How could they not see how special you are? It's unfathomable."

"You think I'm a self-centered, spoiled brat."

"I'm an asshole."

I give him a small smile. "Sometimes."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too."

"Will you tell me about it? How you grew up? I think it would help me understand you better."

"Yes, but not now. There isn't time. I'm going to be late. I don't like to be late. You make me irresponsible."

"Give me three minutes. You're not leaving here without what you came for."

"I came here for you. I missed you."

Oh, there's that smile. Put a fork in me, I'm done. I think now's a good time to sit down, before my legs fail me.

"I missed you too, but you already knew that."

I smile at him, but don't respond. I do know. I watch him prepare my breakfast and think of his earlier words. I'm the only exception. He makes me feel special. I know to him I am.

He sets my plate in front of me, and plants a sweet kiss on my cheek. "Three minutes, as promised."

I give him a worried, wide-eyed expression as I pick up my fork, "Thank you. Hmmm... I hope I have more than three minutes to look forward to?" 

His laughter fills the air. It's a beautiful sound. He lifts my chin with the tip of his finger as he says "There's that smart mouthed little brat I adore. Have faith, sweetheart. Why do you think I'm so intent on feeding you? You're going to need your strength. EAT." He winks at me and I know it's a good thing that I'm sitting. A really good thing.


                                                  


"Claire, I mean no disrespect, but are you crazy?"

"Just because I don't take it with me anymore doesn't mean everything has changed. This is still a business establishment."

"Yes, but you're his... his... I'm sorry, I don't know what I should call you? In any case, you are, and I am not taking one penny from you."

"I want to pay for my breakfast like I always do. Have you been ordered not to accept money from me?"

"I can't allow you to do that. No, I haven't, but I believe it's implied. Please just go?"

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY TO HER?"

Jaimin's entrance startles us both. Of course he only heard the last part and misunderstood. Angrily.

"I apologize, Sir, I was just... well... I mean... "

Oh, what have I done? "It's okay, Michel. I'm sorry to have troubled you. I'll deal with him directly."  I smile sweetly at Jaimin, hoping to give Michel a chance to escape.

"Did you just ask her to leave?"

"No, Sir. Well, yes, Sir, but I didn't mean... "

This is painful and it's all my fault. Jaimin is fuming. I think he's about to fire him. I have to interject, "You misunderstood. You didn't hear the rest of our conversation. He was merely doing what he thought was best. He wasn't asking me to leave... "

He interrupts me before I can finish. His words are to Michel, "I know what I heard. You've got five seconds to explain yourself or you're dismissed."

"Please let me explain? He didn't do anything. I... "

I'm again cut off, "Claire, please be quiet. I'm asking him. Do not interfere."

Shit!

"She wanted to pay, Sir. I realize I haven't received any instruction from you on this issue, I made my own judgement in this instance and attempted to persuade her to go without doing so. I wasn't asking her to leave. I assure you I would never do such a thing. Sir."

He gives me a stern look before turning back to Michel, "I see. Your judgement was absolutely correct. I apologize for the misunderstanding."

"No apology necessary, Sir." Michel excuses himself, giving me a sympathetic look that Jaimin can't see.

He does not look happy. I smile at him and he shakes his head at me. Nope, definitely not happy.

"Claire."

Only he could sound cocky just by saying my name. "Yes?"

"I thought you'd left. You couldn't wait a few minutes for me to escort you, yet here you still are getting into mischief."

I wait, thinking he's going to continue, but nothing. When I don't respond, he gets impatient.

"Are you listening to me?"

"Yes."

"I expect you to answer me."

"You didn't ask me anything."

"Don't be smart. I almost fired my most valuable employee because you insist on being difficult."

"I tried to explain, you told me to be quiet. And I wasn't being difficult. I just wanted to pay for my breakfast."

"Do you really think there's a chance in hell that I would allow that? And , for God's sake, think before you give me some smart-mouthed answer."

"Jaimin, please... I don't want to fight with you. I've hardly seen you for days, and I really do miss you. This morning didn't exactly go as I'd hoped and now I have to go and I don't want to leave with you upset with me. I'm not trying to be smart, and I don't want to upset anyone or cause any more problems. I'm sorry. I won't ask again, although I don't think it's so unreasonable that I did. I'm used to taking care of myself. I certainly didn't mean any disrespect by it. I swear I didn't."

"What am I going to do with you?"

"I'd make a suggestion, but it would probably get me in trouble."

"Probably."

I look sweetly up at him, "Are we okay?"

"As if I could ever look into your big brown eyes and say no?"

"I hope not."

"Did I tell you how beautiful you are?"

"Not today."

"That's unacceptable." He takes my face in his hands and looks at me intensely, "You are beautiful."

"Thank you. I'm also late."

"That's because you're stubborn. And just so we're clear... you pay for nothing here. I've taken enough of your money. More than enough. That was also because you're stubborn. This is not up for negotiation. Understood?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Don't tease, sweetheart. You don't want me to get used to that."

"You wish."

He gives a soft chuckle and kisses my forehead as he asks, "Can I take you to the gallery?"

"No, you're busy. I've taken up more than enough of your time. You stay here, I'll be fine. I'll see you later."

"Have a good day, beautiful."


                                                  ~



"May I speak with Jaimin, please?"

"Who may I ask is calling?"

"Nadine. Tell him it's important."

"One moment. I'll see if he's available."

"Nadine? Is Claire alright?"

"Yes, don't be alarmed, she's fine. I wondered if I could speak with you for a few moments?"

"About?"

"About our girl."

"Our girl? What makes you think I'm going to share her?"

"She was mine first. And that's what I want to talk to you about. Can you come down to the gallery?"

"You're going to have to be more precise than that. Where's Claire?"

"She's out. I'd like to take advantage of the opportunity. Can you come?"

"Where is she?"

"Out. Can you focus, please?"

"WHERE IS SHE?"

"I SAID SHE'S OUT. Can you stop being a jealous control-freak for three seconds? She doesn't like that, you know. Now, getting back to the point of my call... we don't have much time. I would like to speak to you privately while she's away. Can you come down here or not? I would have just come there, but in case she were to stop to see you before she comes back here, I don't think that would look right. I don't want her to know. At least if she were to come here and find you, she would just assume that you came to see her and waited."

"I don't know what you're up to, but I don't like it. I'm not going to be a party to whatever you're trying to do behind her back. You should have more respect for her than that."

"You misunderstand me. Claire is my best friend. I love her. I want her to be happy. I think you can make her happy, IF you don't fuck it up. I think I can help you."

"I don't need your help."

"I think you do."

"A difference of opinion. I will tell her about this conversation. Have a nice day, Nadine."

"You're already blowing it!"

"What?"

"Okay. Now that I have your attention, listen to me. Claire's a runner. You may as well have handed her a new pair of shoes and a map to the nearest exit. If she means as much to you as I think she does, you should at least be willing to hear what I have to say. I know her better than anyone. I'm on your side, Jaimin. I don't want to see you fail. For either of you. What do you say? A few minutes? For Claire?"

"That's very clever, Nadine, making it for her."

"It's only clever if it works."

"I'll hear you out."

"See you soon."

                                                ~


"Okay, I'm here. Talk."

"Let's go in my office..."

"Here or not at all. I won't have her walking in here and misinterpreting anything."

"I admire the way you think when it comes to her."

"I want to know where she is."

"Then ask her when she comes back. But be careful."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"One of the reasons I wanted to talk to you. You're making the same mistakes that every man has made with her. Ahhh... you don't like that, the mere mention of other men makes you seethe."

"Get to the point."

"Of course there have been others, Jaimin. Claire is very beautiful. There isn't a day that goes by that someone doesn't come in here and trip over themselves at the sight of her. She's used to it. She's unphased by it. She knows what she looks like. As do you. People will always notice. Men will always notice. You're going to have to accept it. If you can't, or don't, your jealousy will push her away. Don't push her. She's always leaning, ready... once she runs, you won't get her back. She never goes back.

They've all been jealous. Unnecessarily so. She's very loyal. If she's with you, she's with you. It's that simple with her. She can have any man she wants. If she chooses you, be grateful. If you don't, there will always be someone waiting who will. At least until she casts her spell and renders them irrational. It's an inevitable turn of events, always with the same conclusion. I'd like to see you break the pattern. You don't have to lose her. You just have to decide if keeping her is worth it to you. I realize it's a bit soon, but I don't think time in it's practical sense means anything to you. The heart doesn't know time."

"Keeping her is worth everything to me. Why are you so convinced that I can't? And why now? Do you know something that I don't? I'm fairly certain that she was happy when she left me this morning."

"She was very happy. But I know her. She mentioned a few things throughout the day... I saw warning signs, so I'm warning you. Look... I'm going to say something now - she'd kill me if she knew. Hell, she'd kill me if she knew I was doing this at all, but I'll take that chance - I think you're in love with her. I apologize if I'm wrong or overstepping, but I don't think I am. Not about the first part, anyway. Like I said, the heart doesn't know time. I'm not surprised by it... every man she's ever been with has fallen in love with her, nearly immediately. It's impossible not to love her. There's only one exception to that in her life, and that person wasn't worthy of her..."

"Her mother."

"She's told you about her?"

"Not specifically. Not yet. I'm putting pieces together."

"I see. Yes, her. That's her story to tell, but I'll say this... because it's something else I wanted to talk to you about. An unwanted little girl found a place for herself. Don't punish her for that. She will disappear sometimes, to that place. She can't help it. Claire is a wonderful person, but she can be selfish. You have to love her enough to understand it. You have to accept it. From what I gather, you met that girl last night. It's part of who she is... if you don't like her, you will lose her. That part of her came from a little girl's need to protect herself. She won't give that up. She can't. Not for anyone.

They all wanted her to put them first. They couldn't stand that there was a part of her she wouldn't share. They were jealous of everything, even the time she spent with herself. They all wanted and needed too much from her, of her. She couldn't give it. They couldn't stop demanding. They couldn't help wanting everything she was. She left. Every one of them. I don't want to see that happen to you."

"Stop talking about other men."

"And they were all intense and overbearing. Like you. Although, you probably put them all to shame in that respect. That's not a good thing. You should try to contain your ego before your head explodes.

Which reminds me.... has she shown you?"

"I'm confident that I put them all to shame in all respects. STOP TALKING ABOUT OTHER MEN.

Don't roll your eyes at me. I don't like that. Has she shown me what?"

"I know Claire. It can't be an unfamiliar sight to you."

"Of course it isn't. You're not Claire. HAS SHE SHOWN ME WHAT?"

"Perhaps you're more tolerant of her than I realize. That's a good thing. If she thinks she's a constant source of irritation to you, that will send her running as well. Patience will serve you well. Maybe there's hope for you after all.

Oh... and I was referring to the piece she painted of your exploding head."

"I have a lot of hope. Claire has a long leash. My WHAT?"

"Leash? The hope just went up in flames. I was clearly wrong about you. Forget it, I'm no longer interested in helping you. I'm going to tell her you said that. Nice knowing you. ASSHOLE."

"It was a metaphor. And I will inform Claire of this entire conversation. I'm not the one hiding. DON'T PLAY WITH ME. Are you going to answer my question?"

"What question?" I ask as I come in to find my two favorite people shooting daggers at each other. What in the world is going on?

"Hello, beautiful. Nadine and I were just having a chat. She thinks I'm an asshole."

"Nadine?" I raise an inquisitive brow at my friend. I know without asking that asshole was spoken, not implied. What I can't imagine is why? She likes him. Or, at least, she did an hour ago.

Her voice is high and outraged, "I am NOT the bad guy here! He said he had you on a leash!"

Now I get it. He unknowingly hit a sore spot with her. "Did he now?"

"Claire... sweetheart... let me... "

I cut off his attempt to explain himself, I'm sure whatever he said was taken out of context. "A leash? Hmmm... well, not yet, but I might be willing to discuss it." I give him a playful wink as I watch his eyes go wide.

"MARRY ME."

His face is priceless. I'm laughing so hard, I can barely get the words out. "Not for less than three carats."

"I have never adored you more. And I'll keep that in mind."

He's smiling, but something in his eyes knocks the floor out from under me. What the...

"Don't be so surprised, Claire. I'd ask you now if I had the required three carat accompaniment. And if I thought you'd say yes."

I'm staring at him open-mouthed. He's serious. There's not a doubt in my mind that he's serious. Holy fuck.

Nadine breaks my stunned silence, "There's a jeweler on the next block. Tiffany & Co., to be exact. Why don't you take your very deep pockets over there and come back here and show her what you're made of?"

I think I'll strangle her. When I feel better... it's suddenly very warm. No... not warm. Hot. Stifling. I can't breathe. The room is spinning. Jaimin is saying something, but I can't quite make it out... something about marrying an asshole... everything is out of focus... I hear my name, I think... and then...

                                                      ~

"Oh, thank God", he says, worry unmistakable in his voice. 

I'm momentarily confused, but when my eyes focus, I know I'm flat on my back on the couch in my office. Two concerned pairs of eyes are watching me intently. Why am I.... oh. Oh. I remember now... 

I attempt to sit up, but gentle hands instantly reach out to hold me in place. Nadine speaks softly, "No, honey, please just lie still. You fainted. Thank God Jaimin was fast enough to catch you before you hit your head, but you were out for a few minutes. Give yourself a chance to rest and get your bearings."

"I'm sorry." My voice sounds weak, even to me. I feel stupid.

Jaimin's face makes my heart clench. "You have nothing to be sorry for, sweetheart. It's my fault. I shouldn't have...  I'm so sorry." He takes my hand in his and bends his head to kiss it tenderly.

"It's my fault too," Nadine says, as they exchange a glance.

They seemed to have reached an understanding of some sort while I was incoherent. Good. I need them to like each other. Or at least pretend to.

"Can I have a glass of water?" I say to no one in particular. 

"Of course!" Nadine jumps up and runs a little too theatrically from the room. She can be very dramatic, and very mothering. I coughed once and she wanted me to stay in bed for three days. I'm more than a little surprised that she didn't call an ambulance for my fainting spell. And relieved. Very relieved.

I sigh and look to Jaimin. He's watching me very cautiously, worry still prominent in his features. 

"Don't worry. I'm okay. I don't know what happened, I got too warm and... " The hurt in his eyes stops me from finishing.

He meant what he said, as crazy as it may seem. I shouldn't have reacted the way I did. I wish I hadn't. I wish my body hadn't failed me. What's wrong with me? Of course he's hurt. He thinks the thought of a future with him makes me ill. He couldn't be more wrong. I reach up tentatively to place my palm against his face, not sure how he'll react to the gesture. He leans into it and closes his eyes and I know that we're okay. I'll make it up to him somehow. I have to. 

"I want to sit up. Would you help me?"

He lifts me gently and sets me upright. I still feel a bit dizzy and hold on to him, pulling him down next to me. "Sit with me?" I ask as sweetly as I can.

"Anything you want, Claire."

"Now that's what I like to hear." Nadine is back with my water, undoubtedly waiting outside of the door for just the right moment to reappear.

I scowl at her. He doesn't need his words thrown in his face, even if in approval. She gets the message. She shocks me by giving him an apologetic look. 

"As soon as you're feeling up to moving about, I want you to go home and rest." She gives me the glass of water and turns to Jaimin, "You'll take her, won't you? And stay with her? She shouldn't be alone."

"Don't push her, Nadine. She's had more than enough for one day. Of course I'll see to it that she gets home and comfortably settled, if she'll allow me, but maybe she'd rather you stayed with her."

Oh no... He's breaking my heart. How did we get right back here?

I turn his face to mine and his eyes are unsure. I have to fix this. "I've been looking at her face all day. I'd much rather spend the rest of it looking at yours, if you'll allow me. And if you have the time? And if you want to."

The tenderness in his eyes derails me, until I hear his words.

"I'll always have time for you, Claire."

I know he means it. I know it wasn't a shot at me, but I feel like I've been slapped. Hard.

He knows as soon as he's said the words that I'm hurt by it. His face distorts with instant regret. I don't want him to feel any worse. He feels bad enough. He has nothing to feel bad about. I won't let him. He didn't do anything wrong.

"I don't want you to ever feel like I don't have time for you, Jaimin. Please don't think that way. Sometimes I just need time with me. I learned to be content that way a long time ago. I had to. I know you don't understand that, not yet. I want you to understand. I'm hoping you can, and I'm hoping you'll still want me when you do. I hope that more than I can express to you... and I am sorry. So very sorry. I just got overwhelmed... you didn't do or say anything wrong. Nothing at all."

"I honestly wasn't trying to... "

I put my finger to his lips. I don't want to hear the rest. I don't want him to have to say it. "I know you weren't. I'm aware of my own selfishness. I've never apologized for it. I've never been willing to change it. I've certainly never tried. Not for anyone. My own needs came first. Always. It wasn't even a consideration. I've never really been concerned if anyone was hurt by it. It didn't matter to me. Until now. Until you. I'm willing. I can try... for you."

I hear Nadine gasp. I'm looking at him, but I know her mouth is dropped open in shock without taking my eyes from his face. Shock, like I see in his beautiful dark eyes. She knows the magnitude of what I've said, but how can he? He can't possibly... we never talked about it. Until last night, he didn't know that part of me existed. But it's there. I can see it. He knows. How?

He seems to be at a loss for words as he looks at me. I follow his eyes as they flit to Nadine. She smiles at him, and I know. She did it again. They've spoken about me. She found a vulnerable place in him, no doubt his fear of losing me, and used it to make him listen to her.

She's done it before. Once. With Alex. She liked Alex. She thought she could help him. She kept it from me, but he told me. He never kept anything from me. He said he knew she was right, but that he would lose me anyway, because he couldn't change anything. I'd already told him what I was afraid of, what I needed to stay. He knew. She couldn't help him. She shouldn't have tried. I was angry. It wasn't her place. It isn't her place now. Especially not now. I was with Alex for a very long time. She didn't tell him anything he didn't already know. But now... how could she?

I glare at her now, my voice tight. "You've been busy."

I can feel Jaimin watching me, no doubt surprised at my tone.

She knows she's caught. "Don't get mad... "

"Too late."

"Come on, Claire, you know I only... "

"You had no right!"

"Please calm down. You were unconscious a few minutes ago. Don't make yourself upset."

I jump up and stalk towards her, "Don't make myself upset? DON'T MAKE MYSELF UPSET? Why would I be upset, Nadine? Why? Could it be, just maybe, because MY BEST FRIEND BETRAYED ME? AGAIN!"

"Please don't say that. I didn't betray you. You know better than that. I love you. I was just trying to help. Then and now. Why are you so angry?"

I look to Jaimin, he's standing now, watching me carefully. The betrayal I feel overwhelms me as I look at him. I feel sick. I don't know what she told him. I don't know what information he may now have. Information that didn't come from me. Information that I couldn't explain. I couldn't see his face... She may have destroyed everything, trying to help. This isn't like with Alex. He isn't Alex. This is new, and fragile. She isn't a gentle person. She isn't careful, and undoubtedly wasn't with her words to him. She doesn't stand to lose anything. She doesn't stand to lose him. She isn't in love with himWhat? Where did that... oh...

 I'm in love with him.

I don't know what to do. I feel lost. I'm afraid. No, afraid doesn't begin to describe what I feel. I'm terrified. I want to run away. I want control of my life back. I want to go to my me place where I feel safe. No one can hurt me there. No one can take anything from me there.

I start to back up slowly. Jaimin reaches toward me, but I put my hand up to stop him. It's too much. I need to get out of here. His face... oh, please don't look at me like that.

"Claire, don't do this. I know that look. I made a mistake, I see that now. Don't punish him for it."

I don't look at her as I speak, I can't take my eyes off of him. "You've done enough talking, Nadine. More than enough. I don't want to hear it."

"I'm sorry," I say to him now, the tears spilling over. "I can't... "

"You're breaking your promise."

"I just need time to... " My voice trails off, I don't know what I need. I don't know the ending. I don't know what I'm doing, or saying.

"Time to what? Time to make yourself forget?"

"No. I could never... I just... "

"JUST WHAT? What are you so damn afraid of?"

"Please don't yell at me."

"I'm not going to baby you. I think too many people in your life have. I want you to talk to me."

"Why did you listen to her? Why did you let her put me on the outside?"

"You're not on the outside, Claire. You're the center of everything. I was going to tell you, every word of our conversation. Every single word. Can you believe me? Can you trust me? Please?"

"I am on the outside. I don't want to be there. I didn't choose it. You chose it for me. You shouldn't have done that. What am I supposed to do?"

"You're supposed to stick up for yourself. You're supposed to stand here and tell me I was wrong. Stand here and tell me I hurt you, or made you mad. Stand your ground, Claire, don't run away. Yell, scream, cry... do whatever you have to do to make me see what you feel. Fight."

"You want me to fight?"

"Yes. If I'm worth it to you. I happen to believe I am. We all have our moments of insecurity, sweetheart. I've certainly had my fair share of them with you, even today, but I'm not having one now. You want to run away. I'm not going to let you. I'm going to fight. I know you're worth it. You are worth fighting for.

You said you knew where you belonged. I'll never forget that. I won't let you forget it. I didn't doubt those words. You meant it. I know you did. And you were right. You belong with me. I've known that since the first time I saw your face.

You said you'd try. You just spoke those words to me. This isn't trying. This is giving up. How could you give up on us so easily? It's not what you want, Claire. You're scared. What is it you think she told me? I don't know what you're afraid of, but I'm not going to let you give up. I'm not going to step aside and watch you leave me and hurt us both. You can kick, and scream, and stomp your pretty little feet, but I'm not going to let you go.

Someone wants you, Claire. I want you. I know that's not new for you, but I'm not everyone else. This is your last stop. You weren't running away from anything. You were running to me, where you belong."

My tears have started anew. I can see Nadine from the corner of my eye, wiping her own away. He's never held his emotions back from me, but the fact that he would say all of those things in front of her does something to me. He's right, right about everything. I now have some idea what she told him. I'm still upset, she shouldn't have done that. She told him I run. I've been struggling for days with how to tell him that, to tell him in a way that wouldn't scare him... and she did it for me. I cringe at the thought. I wish I'd seen his face. I wish I'd seen how the knowledge hit him. Maybe I'm seeing it now. If it scared him, his fear only made his resolve stronger. Just like Alex's paintings of me that hang on his walls, he's changed the story. He doesn't care that I ran from them. I had to, to get here, to him. That's what he believes. He confounds me.

"I didn't want to go." It's all I can manage to say.

He wipes my tears from my face, and looks tenderly into my eyes, "I know."

"I just..."

"I know. It's okay."

"What if I'm not worth it? I might not be. Are you sure?"

"You ask ridiculous questions, but I'll answer them this time. You are. And yes, I'm sure."

"Do you still think I'm a brat?"

He laughs and shakes his head, "You're adorable. ABSOLUTELY."

"Absolutely adorable or absolutely a brat?"

"Both," he says with a wink.

Damn him. "You're evil."

"You're wobbly."

"Arrogant bastard."

"So I'm told." He winks again to finish me off, adding "Speaking of which, what is this I hear about my exploding head?"

"Nadine!"

"Well, at least you're talking to me. I'll take that. He was being a pompous ass, it came to mind. Certainly you can see how that could happen... "

He rolls his eyes at her and asks, "Is it here?"

I'm going to kill Nadine, even though she has a point.  "Yes, but you don't want to see that. Please?"

"Oh, yes I do. Show me."

"I don't want to."

"But you're going to."

"You can't make me."

"Oh, Claire... what a sweet, confused little girl you are. I almost feel guilty... "

Uh-oh. I back up, but he comes towards me like a tiger stalking it's prey.

"Ummm... Claire... you... "

I wasn't paying attention to where I was. My back hits the wall as I register Nadine's warning. Shit!

He chuckles, "You're making this much too easy. Maybe I shouldn't have worried so much about you running away. You have a terrible sense of direction. You poor thing."

"Okay! I'll show you!"

"Just like that? I'm disappointed, Claire. Now who's no fun?"

"I am fun. If you start something, you better be prepared to finish it. You and I both know you won't. I'm doing you a favor. And just so you know... that's the last time you're going to tell me you're disappointed."

His mouth falls open briefly, but he quickly composes himself and smiles wickedly at me.

"Now, follow me. One exploding head coming up."

I hear Nadine say from behind us, "God, you're such a man."

When I glance back at him, his eyes are not looking at me. Well, not at my face.

"Are you looking at my ass?"

He shamelessly replies, "Yes I am. It's incredible."

"Thank you. So I'm told."

Oops.. did I just...?

He pulls me back roughly against him. Yes, I did. Crap!

His voice is hard in my ear, "Don't do that, Claire. I have no doubts that you've had many compliments on many things, but don't throw them in my face. I DON'T LIKE IT."

He's right. I shouldn't have said that. I don't blame him. I wouldn't like it either. "I'm sorry. I really am."

"I have limits to what I'll accept from your smart mouth. You'd do well to remember that."

Geez, I said I was sorry...

"Okay, I... " I'm cut off by a sharp, stinging slap to my behind and I am stunned.

I whirl around to face him, "Did you just spank me?"

"Yes." Neither his tone, or his face is in any way apologetic.

"Have you lost your mind?"

"No. I'm rather in control, wouldn't you agree?"

"You can't do that to me!"

"I can and I did."

"I know you did, but NO, YOU CAN'T. And why on earth did you?"

"You made me angry. And YES I CAN. Watch your smart mouth if you don't like it. Unless you do... "

"I DON'T. DON'T DO IT AGAIN. I MEAN IT."

"That's up to you, sweetheart." He smirks as he asks, "You've never been spanked before, have you?"

"No!"

"Not even as a child?"

"NO!"

"Silly of me. I forgot you're a spoiled brat."

"You're making me mad."

"That's okay. You'll get over it."

"How would you like it if I slapped you?"

"I wouldn't recommend it."

Neither would I... "Well, unlike you, I wouldn't disrespect you that way. So I guess your face is safe."

"You did disrespect me."

Damn him. "I said I was sorry."

"You did. Only time will tell if you meant it."

"I honestly didn't mean to disrespect you. I am sorry. Please believe me."

"Show me the painting."

I can't believe he's still mad. I'm the one that should be furious. I frown at him, but resume our walk to our kitchen, where his exploding head is hung. It seemed an appropriate place, however disturbing.

"You have a fully functional kitchen?" he asks as we enter.

"Yes. Nadine had it built a few years ago. It comes in handy when we have showings. Makes it easier for the caterers. We only serve hors d'oeuvres and things of the like, but we use it for ourselves the rest of the time."

"We?"

"Okay, she." I stick my tongue out at him.

"Did you eat lunch today?"

I sigh, knowing my answer will annoy him. "No."

"I should spank you for that too."

"Don't you dare." I absentmindedly rub my still stinging behind.

He comes towards me with a mischievous look in his eye.

"I mean it, Jaimin."

He wraps his arms around me and removes my hands from their protective position on my rear, replacing them with his own. His eyes are playful as he rubs gently. "Did I hurt you?"

"Yes," I pout.

"I don't think I did. You wouldn't be lying to me, would you?"

"It stings a little. Is that the same thing?"

"I don't think it is."

"Oh. Can I change my answer?"

"You want to be a good girl now?" he asks with another chuckle.

"Yes. That's what you want, isn't it? I don't like it when you're mad at me."

"Sometimes. I don't like it either."

"Sometimes? How am I supposed to know when?"

"The rules are easy, sweetheart. Don't lie to me. Don't try to make me jealous. Don't run away from me. I don't think that's too much to ask. You're three for three today. I have my limits, although I'll have mercy on you for the lie, since you wanted to correct your answer. And if you tell me the truth now... does it still sting?"

His hands have been busy. Sting is not the word that comes to mind...

"No, but I think you know that already."

"Hmmm... perhaps. Did I tell you that you have an incredible ass?"

"Yes, you mentioned it. Thank you."

"Much better."

"I learned my lesson."

"Good girl. That's all I wanted."

"I think I should be rewarded."

"Sorry, beautiful, I'm fresh out of gold stars."

"That's not what I want."

"What do you want?"

"I want you to kiss me."

"That's my girl. See? That wasn't so hard." He kisses me softly, then murmurs against my lips, "Tell me again that you're sorry."

"Wow, you were really mad," I murmur back.

"Yes I was."

I'll give him what he wants, but I want him to look at me. I want him to see that I mean it. "Open your eyes, please?"

He looks at me and I see that he needs it. This isn't just about my making him jealous. I made many mistakes today. "I'm very, very, very sorry."

He touches his fingertips to my lips, "How can something so beautiful and so sweet do so much damage?"

Damage.

What does that mean? Damage. The word cuts me like a knife. It scares me. I'm filled with a desperation I've never felt before. Is he giving up now? Just like that? What about fighting? He told me to fight. Do I know how? I've never had to fight for someone. Is this a test? Does he need to know that I will? What the hell does damage mean?

"Damage? Please don't say that. That sounds bad. Really bad. You're scaring me. Tell me what I can do... I'll do it. Don't give up on me. Please? I know I hurt you today. You're right... I'm a complete brat. I don't mean to be. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I upset you. I'm sorry I made you jealous and angry. I'm sorry for all of it. Don't leave me. You're the only person in my life I've ever asked this of. I'll do anything. Please don't leave me."

I'm grasping at him desperately. My every word is a plea. My tears are coming so hard, I'm sure they'll wash me away. He's looking at me like I'm crazy. Yeah, I'm crazy. You did it. You made me this way. I was a normal girl with a normal life a week ago. Then you came along. You and your damn eyes and your voice and your electric touch... your smile and your sweetness and your pictures and your dreams... of course I'm crazy. What chance did I have? Damn you, you arrogant bastard... now I'm begging you not to leave me and you're looking at me like that...

My irrational torrent of thoughts is stopped when his arms lock tightly around me. His eyes are wide with surprise and confusion, "Claire, stop. What on earth has gotten into you? Where did all of this come from? What goes on in that beautiful head of yours? Leave you? Have you lost your mind? You're a pain in the ass, but you're my pain in the ass and nothing you could possibly do or say would ever make me leave you. Do you hear me? EVER."


I'm trying to catch my breath. He wipes my tears for what seems like the millionth time and leads me to a chair, pulling me gently into it. He kneels in front of me and takes my trembling hands in his as he continues.

"It was a word, that's all. I didn't mean anything like what you thought. I'm sorry, I promise you it was just a stupid word. Your pretty little mouth drives me crazy. You tried my patience today, but you didn't damage anything. I wish you knew how I felt about you. I wish I could tell you without scaring the hell out of you. If you knew, you wouldn't have doubts. Believe me when I say that. I know where I belong, too. It's wherever you are. You and your smart little mouth. Believe it or not, it's my favorite part of you. It's mine, and I want it, sweet or otherwise. Always. I promise you I'm not going anywhere, sweetheart, unless it's with you."

Nadine's voice is quiet, I wonder how long she's been there, "I'm sorry to interrupt. Claire, honey, are you alright?"

I nod at her, and she gives Jaimin a worried look. She comes to kneel in front of me, just as he is. I know when she looks at me that she knows. I know what she's going to say.

"Did you have a phone call while you were out? Did your father call you?"

I nod at her a second time.

"You know about the accident, your mother... "

It's not a question, but I nod again.

"Honey... "

"I know."

"No, I don't think you do. I don't... you've had so much already today... I don't want to... but the police are here... there's something else... "

"I know. He's dead. They're both dead."

"Claire? You... how could you possibly know that?"

"He said he couldn't live without her. He said he was sorry. Sorry for failing me all of my life... sorry for letting her. Sorry that he was going to leave me all alone...  He was sorry, but he loved her and he couldn't and wouldn't live without her.

He said he loved me, that he'd always loved me, and he said goodbye.... 

He thought he hung up the phone, but he didn't. I heard the shot...

I heard it...

It was so loud...

Then nothing...

I called the police from just outside the door. Then I came in. It looked like the two of you were arguing... 

The two people I care about most... "

I let my voice trail off. They're both staring at me with horrified expressions. 

Nadine is the one to ask the obvious questions, "And you came in here and said nothing? You came in here like nothing at all was wrong? You just found out your mother was dead and heard your father kill himself and you said nothing?"

"Nadine."

"Jaimin, that's not normal! She... "

His voice is steel, "That's enough. Not another word."

She doesn't say anything else. She just stares at me. Now she thinks I'm crazy.

He squeezes my hand that still lies in his, speaking in the sweetest tone imaginable, "Sweetheart? Tell me what you need. What can I do for you? Can I get you anything?"

"No, thank you. Nothing. I'm fine."

Nadine's mouth drops open, she starts to say something but he shoots her a warning look and she closes it. At least I'm not the only one...

"They want to talk to her?"

She nods her head in response.

He turns back to me, "Do you think you can handle that? To talk to the police?"

"If you come with me."

"Of course I will. With you. I promised you. I'll never break that promise, Claire."

"Then can we go home?"

"Yes. Anything you want."

"Good. I'm hungry."

"Well, I can certainly take care of that."

I smile at him and stand, pulling him up. He let's me lead him to the painting I brought him here to see. "I'm sorry I made this. It wasn't nice. I didn't know you... "

He gives me a sly smile, "It's very clever. My staff would love it. Don't be sorry. I'm sure I deserved it."

"You did."

"I'm very sorry about that."

"I know."

His eyes are full of sorrow as he looks at me, sorrow for many things. His pain for me hurts worse than anything I feel. It breaks my heart. He said he wished I knew how he felt about me. I do know. But he's wrong... I'm not scared. I should tell him that. I think I will. Later. We have time.

I grip his hand more tightly and say simply, "I'm ready now", and smile at him, knowing how happy it will make him when I tell him just how much I mean it.



                                                 ~


The police have gone and we're about to leave. Nadine hasn't stopped staring at me, though she hasn't spoken a word until now.


"Claire, I'm sorry... I'm just worried about you. I don't know what to do. I don't understand your behavior... "

"NADINE."

I don't know what to say to her. I don't know how I'm supposed to respond. Jaimin is upset with her. I'm sure he doesn't understand it either, but he's not pushing me. They're glaring at each other.

"I don't want to upset you, so I'm asking your permission... can I talk to Jaimin for a few minutes? Would that be alright with you?"

He answers her before I have the chance, "No."

"Why not? If it's alright with her? You didn't give her the chance to answer me."

"It's not alright with me, Nadine. Why do you feel the need to talk to him about me? I'm right here. Talk to me."

"He won't let me!"

His tone is strong, but he doesn't yell at her, "I'm not going to stand here and let you attack her. This isn't about you. You don't have to understand. Stop pushing her."

She speaks as if I'm not here, "This is not normal. I know you want to protect her, but ignoring her behavior is not the way to do it. Her parents are dead. Her father shot himself while she was on the phone! He chose that heartless, dead bitch over his own daughter and rubbed her face in it! That should hurt! She should be hurt! She should be mad! She should feel some kind of emotion! She came in here a minute later like nothing happened! THAT IS NOT NORMAL! She needs help. I'm not going to let you just take her home. You are not capable of giving her what she needs. She needs to go to the hospital. I'm calling someone. If you give a damn about her, you have to see that I'm right."

His arm is already protectively around me, but I fold myself into him and he wraps his other arm around me tightly. He's furious with her, I can feel him shaking with anger. I don't think he'll listen to her. I pray he doesn't. She's not right.

"I want to go home. I'm hungry. You said we could go." I don't recognize my own voice. I don't sound like myself. I sound like a child. I can't see his face, but his breathing changes and his hold tightens protectively.

"That's where we're going, sweetheart."

"Jaimin, I am not kidding! I heard you tell her you weren't going to baby her. What do you call this? That's exactly what you're doing! Don't tell me you didn't hear her just now! She needs help! You may not realize this, but believe me, her behavior with you is strange. This isn't her. She doesn't cry. She doesn't cling. She doesn't need anyone. The Claire I know is strong. I know you're an arrogant son of a bitch, and maybe you get off on her weakness to you, but I am begging you! Get over yourself and put her first!"

"Do you hear yourself? You seem to be confused. When she didn't show emotion, it wasn't normal. When she cried, it wasn't normal. What do you want from her, Nadine? I wasn't aware that there were rules for dealing with tragedy.

I'm taking her home. I can and will take care of her. She will have any and everything she needs. Don't you dare question my feelings for her, or my motives. I'm putting her first. I will do what's best for her as I see fit. We'll call you if she needs anything I'm incapable of providing. Hold your breath while you wait for that call."

"As you see fit? Like hell! You're not taking her anywhere!"

"That's not your decision to make. It's hers, and she's made it."

"You were just waiting for your chance, weren't you? Waiting for her to be vulnerable enough. Waiting for her to be weak enough. I'll bet your mouth is watering. Her father served her up to you on a silver platter today and you can't wait to dig in. You think I don't know what kind of man you are? You think she doesn't know? Your reputation precedes you. She may not be in her right mind, but I am, and I swear to God, Jaimin, if you lay one finger on her, I'll kill you."

I can't believe what I just heard. Why is she doing this? How could she even think such a thing? How could she speak to him that way? I feel him start to let go of me and I know she went too far. Much too far.

He pulls me behind him, and steps to within inches of her. His voice is positively menacing, "I don't like what you're implying. Be careful, Nadine. Be very careful. DON'T FUCK WITH ME.

You don't know me. I don't give a damn what you think you know. Claire is fully aware of what kind of man I was before I found her, BECAUSE I TOLD HER. A few hours ago you were convinced I was in love with her, now this? HOW DARE YOU IMPLY THAT I WOULD EVER TAKE ADVANTAGE OF HER LIKE THAT!"

I can't see his face, but the look on hers is pure fear. I don't know if it's for me or herself. She looks to me and I shake my head at her. She's wrong, I won't take her side. And she's been chattier than I realized, what else did she say to him?  "How could you?"

"I just want you to be safe and okay. I'm worried about you, can't you see that?"

"Then stop this. If you care about me, just stop. You're wrong. You're so far beyond wrong that I don't even know what to say to you. It's disappointing to know that you have so little faith in me, but I'm quite accustomed to the people in my life disappointing me. You've done it a lot today. Believe me, my mind is much clearer than you think it is. Now listen to me carefully, Nadine. You can go too far. This friendship isn't invincible. Don't push me."

She looks like she's been slapped, but she doesn't respond. She knows me well enough. She understands. She knows I mean it.

Jaimin extends his hand to me and I take it. We are almost through the door as I turn to her and say, "And Nadine? I'm damn good at my job and I'm exceptionally talented. Don't think I don't know that. There are countless galleries that would kill to hang me. Don't be so naive to think that my phone doesn't ring. I don't need you."

If she had any doubts about how strong I am, she doesn't now. I don't feel bad about what I just did. She's not above trying to manipulate me. She won't dare now. She knows my worth. Now she knows I do too.

Jaimin opens my door and I climb into my seat. He leans in to me and smiles. "You're very strong, Claire. I'm incredibly proud of you."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. And Claire? Arrogance looks good on you."

Judging by the expression on his face, I think it's safe to assume that good means sexy.

"Thank you again. I'm glad you think so. And if I may be so direct, you still owe me a kiss. I would like it now."

"Anything you want, sweetheart."

"I like it when you say that."

"Of course you do. That's because you're my spoiled little brat."

"I am. I like it when you say I'm yours, too. Now give me what I want before I throw a fit."

"My God, you're adorable."

The smile he gives me begins to melt the day's stress away. When his lips reach mine, they are gentle and careful, too careful.

"I promise I'm okay," I whisper against his lips, "You won't break me. Please don't hold back from me. I need you."

He pulls back from me, just enough to look into my eyes. His are full of concern. He didn't like the things Nadine said, but maybe he agrees with her about some of it. I know my behavior today wasn't normal. He can't have understood it, but he was there for me. I don't see judgement in these beautiful eyes. No, I know what I see.

I put my hand to his face and say quietly, "As you see fit."

"Thank you."

"For now."

He laughs and gives me a wink. "I'll take what I can get, sweetheart."



                                                   ~



"You're going to put me to sleep if you keep doing that, or make me get in trouble."

We stopped at his apartment to grab some of his things before we came here, so he wouldn't have to leave me. I took a long, hot bath and he made dinner and now we're settled on my couch, my head in his lap. On a pillow in his lap. He insisted on the pillow, more emphatically than was necessary. It made me giggle. He's playing with my hair, a weakness he's just discovered. He's relentless with his newfound power. How does he expect me to behave if he's going to do that?

"Maybe sleep is what you need. Trouble, on the other hand, is not."

"I don't want to sleep. Trouble would be much more fun."

"Please be good. I think you should close your eyes."

"I don't want to."

He takes his hand from my hair as he asks, "Be good or close your eyes?"

Well, don't stop! "I'll be good if you put it back. I don't want to close my eyes."

He smiles at me as he gives my hair a playful tug, before resuming his gentle strokes. "Why not, sweetheart?"

"Because I won't be able to see you. I need to see you."

His eyes are sad, "I'm not going to leave you, Claire. You don't ever have to be afraid of that. I wish you understood how... " He stops himself. He thinks it's too much for me.

"Tell me."

"I'll give you anything, but I don't think now is the time. As I see fit?"

"I already know. You can tell me."

"I don't think you do. Do you trust me to take care of you?"

"Yes I do. And yes, I do."

"Good, then please do as I tell you. I want you to close your eyes. Let this day go, sweetheart."

"I will if you tell me."

"Claire."

"If I have to give up your face I want something else. Give me what I want."

"I'm glad you like my face, but you wouldn't be so stubborn if you understood. Please trust me. It won't make you happy. I won't upset you anymore today. I can't do that. I can't give you your way, please stop asking me to."

"I love your face and I do trust you, but you're wrong this time. So, since you don't trust me, can I tell you?"

"Don't put words in my mouth, you little brat." He gives my hair another playful tug. "You can tell me anything. You know that."

I can see that I'm trying his patience. I don't want to do that any more today. It's time to give in.

"Okay. I'll do what you want. I'll try to sleep. Promise me again you won't leave."

"I thought you wanted to tell me something?"

"You told me not to. Please promise?"

"I promise you I will not leave you. I will be right here when you open your eyes."

I smile at him and roll to my side, repositioning my head on the pillow to face him. I tuck my fingers into the waist of his pants and close my eyes. He reaches instantly to grab my hand, and I think he's going to pull it away. I don't open my eyes as I whisper, "I promise I'll be good, I just want to hold on."

He's still for a moment, but then he moves my hand and holds it in his. I frown and open my eyes. He's looking down at me. Even I can hear the hurt in my voice, "Why don't you trust me? It's not like I'm capable of tempting you, anyway. Are you trying to hurt my feelings?"


"Of course I don't want to hurt you. I don't think you believe that."

I pull myself up and sit beside him. I try to pull my hand free, but he grips it tightly. Tears are falling again. I try to talk through them, "I'm sorry, it's not your fault. I don't want to make you angry. I know this is making you miserable. I know I'm making you miserable. You don't have to stay here and suffer. I'll be okay. You should go before I ruin everything and make you hate me. I don't want that. Please don't let me do that. You don't have to keep your promise, I shouldn't have asked. That wasn't fair. I haven't been fair to you. I don't want to damage everything. Please just go, Jaimin. Please."

He shakes his head and takes a deep breath, then pulls me into his lap. "I'm not going anywhere. If I have to repeat that to you a thousand times to make you believe me, I will. I know you've had an unbearable day. I wish I understood what you're feeling, but I don't. I want to take care of you. I want to give you what you need, but I'm not sure what that is. I don't want to push you. If you're not ready to talk about it, I'm not going to make you. There aren't rules. I'm not judging you. You'll get through this your way, and I'll be right here with you.

I am not angry with you. You do not make me miserable, that's not possible. My heart breaks for you, because I can't bear to see you hurt. I want to take that away for you, but I don't know how. You could never ruin anything, you make everything better. Hate you? I can't even respond to that. My God, sweetheart, tell me what to do. I know you're confused. I know you don't really believe the things you're saying. Please listen to me... please hear me... please forget what I said. You have not, can not and will not ever damage anything. I don't think I will ever regret anything more than saying those words to you. I swear I didn't mean it to hurt you. It was stupid. I was stupid and careless and I am so sorry. I've said many things to you, why is that what sticks in your mind? Please let it go. For me? Please?"

"I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me... "

"You have nothing to be sorry for, except maybe for your ridiculous notion that you're not capable of tempting me. I should have you committed." The incredulous look he gives me makes me laugh, and he takes my face in his hands, wiping my tears with his thumbs as he continues, "Your existence tempts me. You don't even have to be near me. You are the most beautiful creature on this earth. How could you think I don't want you? I didn't know it was possible to want someone so much. Every moment with you is a struggle. I didn't know I was capable of that kind of restraint. I'm trying to do right by you. This is unfamiliar territory for me, but I'm trying. Can you please try to understand that? I promise you it isn't anything else, as if that were even possible. Have you seen you?"

"Thank you. I do understand, but I think you try too hard."

"I know you do, but that's because you trust me a little more than you should. I'm glad, and I want that, but I'm not as confident as you are that I don't have a breaking point. I know better. Tempting that would not be a good thing."

I don't say anything, I know there's no point. I wasn't on my best behavior during our last sleepover. He was sure the wine was affecting my judgement, even though I was sure it wasn't. I wanted him. I'm willing to break rules for him, too. I know how I feel. I want him now. He didn't believe my mind was clear enough that night, and considering the events of today, there's no way he will now. No, there's no point...

"Don't pout."

I try to smile, but I know he isn't fooled. My face will always betray me.

He sighs, and changes the subject. "You wanted to say something before. You said I told you not to? I would never do that. Tell me."

"You did. You told me not to put words in your mouth."

"I'm not sure what that has to do with what you want to tell me, but if it's something you feel, then I want to know."

"So do I. That was my point."

"I don't know what you're trying to say, sweetheart. Tell me."

"You said you wished I knew how you felt about me. You said you wished you could tell me without scaring the hell out of me. You said it wouldn't make me happy... well, I believe I do know, and I'm not afraid. You can tell me, and it will make me happy."

He doesn't say anything, only looks at me, but his breathing has changed. I reposition myself in his lap so that I can look directly into his eyes. Of course, that only makes him more tense, and his hands move instantly to my hips where he can have control.

I roll my eyes and say, "I'm not trying to tempt you."

"I told you, you don't have to try."

"Do you want to know what I think?"

"Yes."

"I think you love me."

He's looking at me so intently, searching... looking for any sign that my belief makes me anything but happy. I know he won't find any, but I'll let him search. I want him to see it for himself. I don't expect him to just trust my words, not today. A slow smile begins to spread across his face and I know he knows. He knows everything.

"You're right about that."

"I... "

He knows what I'm going to say, but puts his finger to my lips to stop my words, "I want you to sleep now."

I nod, and he carries me into the bedroom, turning off lights as we go. He sits me on the bed and smiles again at my pajamas, I raided his bureau when we stopped at his apartment. As he starts to unbutton his shirt, he asks, "Did I tell you how adorable you are in my clothes?"

He did. Many times. I smile at him and nod again. "Yes, thank you, but it's as much for my protection as anything else."

"Your protection?"

"Everything I would normally sleep in would probably get me scolded or spanked. Want to see?"

"NO."

"LIAR."

"I think that's up to interpretation. MINE."

"You're bossy."

"Yes I am. Now, I'm going to go into the bathroom to change, and when I come back I want to see you under those covers, STILL IN MY CLOTHES."

"You can change here," I say sweetly.

"Claire."

I pout, but climb under the covers as ordered. I hear him mutter "Please, God, give me strength... " as he walks to the bathroom, and it makes me giggle.

He's back quickly, and climbs in next to me, kissing me tenderly before pulling me into his arms. I snuggle against him and whisper, "Thank you."

"For what, sweetheart?"

"Putting up with me."

"You don't have to thank me for that. Do you need anything?"

"Just you."

"You have me. I'm all yours."

His hand covers my mouth the second I open it. He's on to me. I giggle again and kiss his palm.

He chuckles softly and gives one last command, "Close your eyes."

It's the last thing I remember before I drift to sleep.