Monday, January 2, 2012

Clear and Bright: Chapter Twenty Seven: Together



"Say it again."

"Say what?"

"You know what."

"That you're the most brilliant chef in all the world? Well, you already know, but okay. You're the most brilliant chef in all the world. Dinner was heavenly."

"Yes, I do know. And thank you, but no, not that."

"Not that?"

"No, Claire."

"Oh. Okay. Hmmm... what else did I say? Let's see... Oh! Of course. This wine is delicious. It's my favorite, you know. Further proof of your brilliance. Is that what you wanted to hear?"

"Thank you, again. And yes, I know it's your favorite, but no, you know that's not what I want to hear."

"It isn't?"

"NO." He glares down at me from a high rung of the ladder where he stands decorating his pretentious tree, while I look up at him adoringly, to say the least, sipping wine and passing him ornaments.

I was up there briefly, but he said it was distracting -- and dangerous for me in more ways than one -- and ordered me down. I wiggled my ass before obediently following his order, with his help, and a smack I knew would greet me once I was safely on my feet. The pout that followed was rewarded with a dizzying kiss and a mush-inducing wink before he climbed up and took my place.

I consider the offense I committed before that -- and the flicker of temptation I saw in his eyes before he denied me -- and decide to offer it up again, instead of what I know he wants to hear. "Well, the only other thing I remember saying was that I wanted you for dessert... and I got in trouble for that... but I'm willing to risk whatever punishment you deem fit if you want me to say it again. I want... "

"Why are you tormenting me? Is it because of the ring?"

"Because of the ring? What?"

"I know I broke your rule... but I had my reasons. Are you honestly upset about it?"

"Jaimin, what on earth are you talking about? Upset about what? What rule?"

"Your Not for less than three carats rule. I know you're spoiled, but... "

I look down at the stunning ring on my finger and back up at him, completely confused. "This is well over three carats. And it wasn't a rule, I was just teasing when I said that."

"You were?"

"Yes, I was. You really thought it was a rule?"

"A brat rule, yes."

I think of bunny us and the three carrot bouquet extended between them and know that he did. "I'm sorry you thought there was a rule. And that I'm that much of a brat that you could."

"Don't be sorry. I thought it was adorable, it was just hard for me to follow. I tried, but in the end I broke it, so... "

I look at the ring again, trying to figure out what he means. I'm not a diamond expert, but it can't possibly be less than three carats. It's a magnificent round cut center stone, surrounded by a halo of smaller diamonds, with still more diamonds trailing down the sides of the platinum band. It's beautiful. It's exquisite. It's perfect.

"I don't know how you think you've broken my nonexistent rule, but I'm sure there isn't a more perfect ring in all the world. It's perhaps less pretentious than I'd expect from you," I direct my gaze purposefully to the tree with a smile, "but I don't doubt that you had your reasons for choosing it. And whatever they were, and whether you want to share them with me or not, I'm honored. It's beautiful, and I love it. I promise I couldn't love it more if it were an iceberg, which you probably considered first."

"I may have looked at a few mountainous chunks of ice," He gives me a You know me well smile and climbs down and takes my perfectly adorned hand in his. "But that's not you. This is you. Extraordinary, yet unassuming. Sturdy, yet delicate. It's you... a perfect center. Clear, and bright, and beautiful. My center, Claire. My heart. My life...

You. Nestled inside. My arms that will never let go. My heart that's closed around you.

You. Inside.

Wrapped up.

Tucked in. In a blanket that I pray isn't too high.

A storm of ice...swirling around you. Hopefully not too chaotic. That I promise never means to hurt you. But I think you know that. Inside...

Because you don't try to get out. You don't look for an opening. An opening that you'd never find if you did. It doesn't exist. There's no way out for you.

I'm not sorry for that. I won't apologize. I'll never be sorry for holding you inside. I'll never be sorry for not letting you go. Only if I hold you too tight. But you promised you'd tell me if I do.

You've promised me so much. And today... you promised me everything when you let me put this ring on your finger. This ring, that the moment I saw, I knew was you. And even though I thought I had broken your rule, you accepted it. You wanted it. You wanted me. You gave me everything when you said... "

"Yes. When I said yes."

"That's what I wanted to hear again."

"I know."

"And I love you beyond words, but you are a brat."

"I know."

He releases my hand and reaches up to trail his fingertips down the sides of my face, his eyes dark. Serious. Struggling with something. "Will you always make me wait, Claire?"

But serious or not, since he posed a valid question... "No. Will you? I only made you wait minutes. You... "

"Have given up."

Given up? "What?"

"You gave me everything when you said yes. Everything but what I wouldn't let you give me. Because I couldn't take it from you. Not until...

You trust me.

You think I'm worthy. You want me to believe that I am...

I hear you, sweetheart. I'm listening to you. And I can't deny you anymore. I can't deny myself. I want to be worthy. Of you, of your trust. I want to believe that I can be.

You trust me so much...

So much that you just gave me your life. With a single word...

You said yes.

You said you would never say no to me...

I won't say no to you either, Claire. Never again. Well... "

I fight my thundering heart just enough to speak the two words that will tell him I understand. The two words that proclaim my absolute trust.

"Your rules."

He touches his fingers to my lips. His fingers that now tremble...

With love.

With want.

With his surrender.

"I need you, Claire. I need all of you."

I nod my head, unable to answer the question in his eyes. The question he doesn't have to ask.

But it's not enough.

He needs more.

His fingers trail from my quivering lips, over my chin, and down my throat. His hand wraps around my neck, his need blindingly clear in his possessive grip. His grip and...


Those eyes...

"Tell me."

And I could never deny him.

Not any part of him...

But his eyes...

Never... 

"Yes."

He moves his thumb lightly over my throat, his breathing strained. He inches slowly closer, and his hand moves from around my neck down to the small of my back, pulling me gently against him. His left hand comes up to stroke my hair softly as his lips meet my forehead, my cheeks, the tip of my nose.

"Breathe," he whispers, a sweet smile forming on his mouth.

His mouth that I want, but that I wait for, as I try to do what he wants.

Breathe...

It should be easy, shouldn't it? The simple act of breathing? Natural. Automatic. I shouldn't have to try...

But I do. It's not easy.

Easy, like the tears that fill my eyes. The tears that I don't want here now, because they blur my vision. This thing I need to see...

Him. Giving up. Giving in.

Finally believing he's worthy.

That he's earned it.

Me.

I said yes.

Gave him everything with a word.

A single word...

That piece that he needed to make him whole.

Take away the last shred of doubt.

His, not mine.

His fingertips brush across my lips, his breath across my face. "Your pretty mouth. It was my undoing. I always knew it would be."

I finally find my breath... and give him the words I hope he needs to end my agonizing wait. "It's yours."

And he doesn't disappoint me, but the kiss I'm rewarded with isn't the one I expect. Isn't controlling. Isn't dominant. Isn't demanding.

Isn't at all.

His lips have never been softer. His mouth never more gentle. His need never more clear.

Raw.

Vulnerable.

Pure.

His hand moves from my back to take mine, my hand that wears my promise to him. That will say the word even when I'm silent. Breathless. Like now. Again.

He pulls gently, leading me towards the place he'll give me everything. But that's not where I want it. Not this time.

I pull back and fear instantly touches his eyes. Fear that I don't hesitate to take away. "No. Just... here. Please?"

His gaze flits to the blankets still laid out in front of the fire and back to my pleading eyes, and I know he understands. He smiles sweetly at me and turns to lead me the other way. Because he will give me everything I want, if I just let him. If I just make him see.

See...  the joy on my face now as he sweeps me into his arms and lays me down in our little nest of heaven.

The anticipation I can't contain anymore as I pull him to me.

He smiles again and kisses me softly once more before pulling back. "Wait, sweetheart. I can't... "

What? No... "Please no... "

"No, beautiful. Not this time, I won't take it away. I promise. Something's just wrong, I want to make it right."

Wrong? "But... "

"Trust me?"

I sigh, but nod my head. He touches my lips and whispers "One more time?"

"Yes," I say against his fingertips.

He replaces them quickly with his lips before he jumps up. I watch him curiously as he walks over to my tree and picks up little Claire from in front of it. He looks over at me and shakes his head with wide eyes and a shy grin.

"It's definitely past her bedtime," I laugh, my heart bursting with love that he would think of such a thing. "And she wants the ADORABLE man that is you to tuck her in."

"I'm honored by the esteemed privilege," he whispers, "I'll try my best not to do it wrong."

"You couldn't possibly," I whisper back breathlessly, the depth of his words flooding over me.

His eyes are innocent as he walks from the room, little Claire cradled in his arms. It's beautiful, but sad, too.

He's afraid. He's giving in, giving us both what we want, but he's afraid.

Why can't I understand why? Why can't I see it? I see the fear... but what it stems from is still hidden from me. All of the times I've tried to get him to tell me... make me understand... he's left me without the answer.

He's willing to give it to me, everything, willing to accept that he's worthy of taking it... but there's still a struggle inside. Why can't I understand? What is he afraid of?


He's barefoot when he comes back, his sweater removed as well. He wears only the t-shirt he had on beneath it and his jeans, pillows tucked under his arm, and fear still in his dark eyes. I sit up as he reaches me, taking the pillows from him and putting them on the floor behind me, before taking his hands in mine.

"Am I what's wrong? Because I don't see something?"

"Of course not. You're perfect."

"I wish you wouldn't say that. It sets me up to disappoint you."

"You could never disappoint me, Claire."

"You need something. I don't know what it is. I don't know how to give it to you. That disappoints me. It's in your eyes, Jaimin. I see it, but I don't understand it. I should understand. You've never been able to tell me... I don't know why that is, but maybe it's because you want me to find the answer myself. And I'm letting you down because I can't... "

"You will. You'll find it. You'll see it. And you'll understand. I know you will. You trust me with everything... I trust you to see."

I search his eyes desperately with my own, willing myself to see now, not to make him wait, but I just can't.

"Don't think about it," he says softly, stroking his fingertips across my cheeks. "I want your undivided attention on me."

He cups my face in his hands and brings my mouth to his. His lips are again gentle, his kiss sweet, a bit contrary to his words. But I do as I'm told, and let go of my troubled thoughts, and give him what he wants. It's easy to give it to him. The most natural thing in the world to get lost in him. When his lips are on mine. When he holds me in his hands...

His hands that move from my face to slide under my sweater, lifting it from me. His lips that only leave mine long enough to pull it over my head.

His hands that wrap tenderly around my neck as his tongue slips between my lips. I open for him, my mouth that is his, and grip his arms. My arms.

Arms that now pull me closer and lay me down beneath him. Lips that thank me for every promise I've made. Accept everything I want to give. Gently take until I'm struggling for air.

Air that I take in as his lips move to my neck. Place soft kisses down my throat, as his hands glide down my arms. His thumb grazes over the ring on my finger and I hear a soft moan. It makes my heart pound even harder, knowing how truly happy it's made him. And knowing, that just maybe, it's what brought us here.

To this moment that I've dreamed of. Pleaded and begged for.

This moment, that his eyes meet mine with one last question he can't help but ask. "Are you sure?"

Oh, Jaimin... "About this? You know the answer to that."

"About everything. Are you, Claire? Are you really sure? I need to know that you are."

"Yes. About everything. I would never lie to you, Jaimin, but certainly never about that. I love you. And other than two little words I'm yet to say to you to make it official, there's only one thing I have left to give you. Only one other way I know how to show you. If you're having second thoughts... if it's not the right time for you, then I won't fight you, I promise I won't. But I want to give myself to you. The only part you've never been willing to take. If you'll have me. My answer is yes, if you'll accept it. I pray you that will. I pray it's what you want to hear. That you're sure. But if you're not... "

My words are lost in his mouth. His unspoken answer.

His belief.

His trust.

His hands that slip under my t-shirt, over the skin of my stomach, and under me. He lifts my back, his mouth finding the skin his hands just left. I wonder if he feels the butterflies flutter through me against his lips. He smiles up at me and I think he does. He plants one more kiss upon my stomach and pulls my t-shirt up and over my head. His eyes blaze into mine as he reaches under me to unclasp my bra, freeing me from it with ease and tossing it to the side.

Another soft moan escapes him as he looks down at my exposed breasts, my nipples hard in anticipation. Inviting him to claim them. His thumbs graze over them as he lowers his head. His head that he lays on my chest, just over my heart.

Innocent.

His breath tickles my sensitive skin, and his need in this moment threatens to boil my already-liquid heart over. My heart that thunders beneath him. Screams I love you. Screams I'm yours. Drowns out the screams of my anxiously waiting flesh.

It's the center that he wants, more than anything else. I know he won't stop this, but my trembling body is just the package that holds the gift he wants to cherish. He'll unwrap it, but the he that does will do it gently. My arrogant bastard is not who's here with me now. He's not the one that gave in.

But even though I know that, I'm still not sure what he wants. Or doesn't.

My hands thread lightly through his hair, bringing his eyes to mine. His expression is almost apologetic, until my smile tells him it doesn't have to be.

But I give him the words anyway. "I'd never deny you what you want to hear."

"Careful, sweetheart."

"Making you wait isn't the same thing. Surely YOU can understand that?"

"I didn't make you wait out of sheer BRAT."

I smile at his smirk, unable to deny his implication. "A valid point, sweetheart."

"There you go stealing my words again."

"Guilty."

"At least you admit it."

"Can I admit something else?"

"You can tell me anything, Claire, you know that." He shifts slightly lower, and rests his chin on my stomach, pulling my hands from his hair and holding them in his as he looks up at me and waits.

"I don't know what you want."

"I want you. If you don't know that, I must be doing it wrong again."

"No. I just don't know the rules."

"What rules, sweetheart?"

"Your rules. For this. I don't mean to be impatient... "

"But get on with it?" he chuckles, shifting again so he's over me.

"No, I don't mean th-that." My breath catches as he kisses up my stomach, honoring my misinterpreted request.

"Then what do you mean?" he asks, before swirling his tongue around my nipple and pulling it into his mouth.

"I... I... " Said brilliantly skilled mouth makes me fight to get the words out. "Am I allowed to t-touch you?"

He releases me with a confused raise of his brows and a hint of a satisfied smile. "Of course you are. Why would you question that?"

"You never let me."

"And you think that's a rule?"

"I know it is. Or was... "

"Well, I suppose it was, beautiful, for your safety... but it isn't now." He kisses both of my hands before releasing them with a flourish and moving his mouth to my yet-to-be-attended-to left breast.

I'm so stunned by my newly attained rights that I don't know where to start. And I can't at the moment reach what I really want... and I'm temporarily distracted by selfishness as his mouth expertly devours my now well-attended-to breast...

I fight through my distraction when he releases it and his mouth starts to move downward, knowing I don't have much time before he gets distracted, grabbing his hair and tugging. "Hey."

 He chuckles as he unbuttons my pants. "Yes, my love?"

"I can't touch you if I can't reach you. You said I could touch you. I want to touch you. Come back up here."

"In a minute," he says, as he slides down the zipper with a devilish smile.

I watch helplessly as he pulls from my grasp and slowly pulls my pants off and then the lacy cream -- and now creamy -- boy shorts beneath them. The shorts that he still holds in his hand. His hand that he now brings to just under his nose, inhales deeply, closes his eyes and whimpers from the temptation of.

But the lucky girl that is me really wants something else. I pout when his eyes open again and land on my face.

"Awww, why the pretty lip?" he asks with mock innocence.

"I love your mouth, you know I do... and I know it's watering right now, and though I am honored to be the cause of that, it's not what I want."

"I bet I could change your mind," he offers, a little less innocently, mocked or otherwise, licking his lips.

"Distract it, maybe, but not change it," I push, "I know what I want. Please, Jaimin."

"Okay, beautiful. The last thing I want to do is make you unhappy after what you've given me today." He blows a kiss to his untouched entree, slips my shorts into his pocket with a wink, peels off my socks, and kisses his way back up to me. "What do you want?" 


The answer is simple. "Everything."

He lets me pull him to me, a beautiful smile on his face. Lets me taste his lips, feel his hunger for me. Feel the vibration of the moan that erupts deep in his throat when I wrap my hands around it. He understands.

Lets me pull the t-shirt from his body and memorize every inch of his back with my fingers. Lets me push him up so I can look at him above me.

Lets me see something new in his eyes as my gaze travels unstoppable to them. Something new...

Something undeniable as he gathers me in his arms and flips me so I'm on top of him. Looking down instead of up. In control instead of under his.

Does he think that's what I want? To be in control?

"Jaimin, you don't have to... "

"Yes I do." He pulls my mouth to his, kissing me deeply, before whispering against my lips, "I love you. I want to give it to you."

He says he wants to give but his eyes are pleading with me. Pleading for me to take. It's what he wants.

I push myself up on my arms and shift myself to straddle him. I feel his other want beneath me, strong and firm and willing. I raise up further, crushing my need against his as I do, making him suck in a tortured breath.  His dark, hooded eyes travel over me with renewed fascination. Different.

I follow his lead and let mine wander from his to his magnificent body. The body I'm allowed to touch. I trail my fingers over every perfect dip and chiseled curve. I feel him straining not to move under me. I grind myself against him, giving him what he won't take. His hands grip the blankets at his sides, bunching them in his fists.

I want to feel them. Feel their struggle that I don't understand.

I'm starting to understand. I think. But maybe his hands can show me more.

I run mine slowly down his strong, desperate arms to his clenched fists. I try to pull them free. He shakes his head.

"Please?" I ask, "For me? I want them."

His eyes are conflicted but he lets me pull them free on my second try.

It's getting clearer.

"I trust you," I murmur, and kiss each of his palms before placing them on my hips, my hands clasped around his wrists. I bend down and kiss his neck, sliding his hands back ever so slightly. I slide them back farther as my tongue slips out over his skin. He makes a strangled sound as he tries to hold them still. But I want them to move. "Hold me, Jaimin. You won't be able to reach soon. Let me feel it first."

His body bucks beneath me, making me cry out, as his hands don't hesitate to accept their invitation with a firm, appreciative squeeze. I cover his hands with my own, relishing the feel of them as they crush me to him. I want him so much it hurts. Hurts more than anything I've ever felt. But my desire to taste him is fighting a war with the rest of my body.

A battle fierce enough to make me whimper in frustration.

"What do you want, sweetheart?" His eyes search my face, his words as selfless as his hands as he pulls them from his prize to hold mine. "You have forever to ask for it, and forever for me to give it to you, but what do you want now?"

"I want all of you. All at once. I want to feel you. I want to taste you. I want everything...  Help me."

"Only you know, Claire. I can't tell you."

Or won't...


But I see it.


And he already told me.

We want the same thing.

The last piece.

I pull my hands from his gentle hold and grab his face. Crush my mouth to his. One frenzied taste. But one makes me want more. My mouth moves hungrily down his neck to his chest as I slide down his body, my hands desperate to free him. He doesn't stop me. For the first time he doesn't push me away.

My mouth finds his nipple and sucks greedily as I pop the button on his jeans and slide down the zipper. My tongue swirls across his chest, tasting everything I can on my way to the other before sucking it between my lips. But my want is too strong to linger. The ache too excruciating to spend the time his magnificent body deserves to be worshiped. I tug at his jeans, trying to push them down without removing myself from him. The separation would destroy me. My body from his. My mouth from his hard stomach.

I abandon my course, and rush my mouth back to meet his, gripping his head in one hand, his arm in the other. Pulling, trying to roll him on top of me. Begging him to take control. "Please?"

But he doesn't budge. His only movement is to hold me tighter to him with one arm as he reaches down with the other hand to free himself from the painful confines I left him in. His hips rise up beneath me, and he frees one side, then switches his arms around me to free the other. He sits up then, crushing me to him, as he reaches around me to pull them the rest of the way off. His eyes never leave mine through this frenzy of movement. Never stop asking me to understand.

But I don't.

I still don't see.

And I try again to roll him...

He holds me firm, refusing to be moved so much as an inch, my apparent blindness forcing his words. "Please, Claire. Please understand... "

Understand what? "What am I doing wrong? I just want you to... "

"I know you do. I know who you want to come... but I can't let him. Not this time. Please, Claire... not this time. He wants you, I promise he does, and he won't be denied for very long, but I need you. I need you first. To know that I'm capable. To know that he doesn't have to come... To know that he won't... "

"Okay," I whisper, my fingers stopping the words I don't want to hear. The words I know were coming next... hurt me... the words he believes. The words he fears.

Maybe not literally...

But he needs to know that he doesn't have to control me. That he can love me selflessly. Give as much as take. Give more.

He's proven he can... in every way but this. This thing he's never done.

He doesn't know how.

He's asking me to show him.

Me, the selfish, spoiled brat.

Who's only ever given myself to someone I loved.

Only ever offered myself to the one I loved more.

He knows that.

And he's finally willing to accept it.

Accept me.

Completely.

But he needs to know that he can give the same.

That he can surrender.

Him...

The man who's always had control.

Who wants to learn another way.

For me.

And never once did I dream it would be like this.

I never would have imagined this.

But I promised him my life today.

A lifetime to take from me.

And I know he's right...

He'll come.

He'd never stay away.

But he doesn't have to be here now.

I shouldn't have asked for him.

Because this man before me...

The man whose gentle eyes I showed him when I needed him to see...

He's the one that showed me.

Everything.

"Okay," I whisper again, as I trace his face with my fingertips. Cover it with sweet kisses. Show him I finally understand.

I push gently against his chest and he falls back.

Looks up at me with pure, raw innocence.

Trust.

Love.

Surrender.

I trail my hands gently but firmly down his arms. His arms that I love...

Entwine his hands with mine.

Bring them together to my body that trembles above him.

Move them.

Together.

Feel.

Together.

Slowly.

Patiently.

Perfectly.

Together.

Still separate, but joined.

Like our eyes.

Locked.

Seeing.

Understanding.

Learning.

Everything.

I bring one pair of our hands to me... where I ache. Where my body cries tears for how much it wants him.

I watch with fascination as he feels.

I bring the other pair to him, his need. The need he's denied himself for so long. So strong... So hard, yet soft. My breath catches in my throat. To finally know the feel of him. And maybe just a little of something else...

He chuckles through ragged breaths.

I smile. And turn a thousand shades of red.

"Go ahead," he urges, a smirk on his face.

"Now who's impatient?" I ask, chewing my lip.

"Still you, beautiful. Which you are. So beautiful. And adorable beyond words."

"What did I do?" I ask, my heart thumping in my chest.

"It's what you want to do." He smiles adoringly at me, squeezing my hand around him as I writhe myself against his. "Go ahead... I know you want to see. Before."

Another wave of blush washes over me... because I do.

I give him a shy smile, then take a deep breath, and look down at the magnificence I hold in my hand. I'm mesmerized instantly by the sheer perfection of it. And maybe something else...

I don't take my eyes off of it as I speak my next words. "Tell me you love me."

"I love you," he says immediately, laughter in his voice.

"If you have a request for last words from me, tell me now," I say, removing our hands from each other and sliding myself against my long awaited, potentially life-threatening reward.

His voice is low and sexy. And firm. "Tell me how brave you are."

Ummm... "You want me to lie to you as my last words to you?"

"I have faith in you, Claire. You promised you'd never leave me. I trust you to keep that promise. And you said yes. You will marry me. These will not be your last words to me."

I nod and bite my lip, trying to remember how to breathe. His hands gently grip my hips, mine his arms, as I declare as confidently as I can... "I'm the bravest little masochist in all the world," looking deep into his smiling eyes and beaming-with-love face... as, with his gentle guidance, I take every perfect, beautiful inch of him inside of me.

And time and space and all of our irrational fears...

Fade into oblivion.

Because even though I already knew it, we were made for each other. We fit perfectly together. Him... inside.

I wasn't sure it was possible... once I saw, but it's never that black and white with him.

EVER.

And I am sturdy enough.

And maybe just a little grateful that he didn't come.

This time.

This time...

The first time of the rest of our lives...

And it's perfect.

Feels perfect.

Him...

Me...

Our bodies.

Our hearts.

Our voices.

Together...

"Yes... "





                                                                ~ ~ ~


A/N : What can I say? It's THEM.

And Thank you, once again, to Tiffany & Co. for  THE RING