Friday, October 28, 2011

Clear and Bright: Chapter Twenty Four: Switch


                                       
I wake in our bed, my ravished state leaving me exhausted to the point that I must have fallen asleep. To say that I feel adored could never describe accurately what Jaimin's attentions and affections wrap me in. Not even close...

He's not beside me, but when I sit up, I see him just a few feet away, watching me from the chair next to the window. He smiles when our eyes meet, making my heart flutter, and my insides warm.

This man warms me.

Everything about him.

But his eyes... my God, his eyes...

His hypnotic dark eyes... so telling... so revealing...

His every emotion...

Adoration. For me.

Want. For me.

Vulnerability. Only for me.

Need. Desperate... for me.

Pride. In me.

Control. Of me.

Amusement. At me.

Worry. For me.

Fear. Of losing me.

Frustration. For a lot of things, perhaps, but often with me.

Determination. To resist me. Bastard.

Strength. For us.

Sometimes anger... at me. Ouch.

But always, always love.

For me...

"What are you thinking about, Claire?"

"You."

"I like that answer. What about me?"

"Your eyes."

"My eyes? Really?"

"Yes. They kind of...  own me."

"Just my eyes?" he smirks playfully.

Did I mention arrogance?

"Oh... you know better than that, Mr. Guillory. Was the thousand times I thanked you not enough for your ego?"

"It will never be enough, sweetheart."

"My thanks or me?"

His eyes, my eyes, give me his answer before he speaks it. "You. I will never, ever get enough of you."

"I hope not."

He chuckles at my quivering voice, and I feel the all too familiar blush spread over me. "I didn't mean that, but my hope for it is no less...  Why are you way over there?"

"Just trying to show a little restraint."

"Is that why you dressed me?"

"It's one reason. And I didn't want you to be cold."

"Well, that's very sweet...  the not wanting me to be cold part, but I'd be much warmer if you were over here with me. You're too far away." I pat the bed next to me, and he gives me a tender smile and gets up from the chair, coming to sit beside me.

He looks into my eyes for a long moment and gently strokes my hair before bringing his lips to my forehead. He rests them there for a moment, and murmurs quietly against my skin, "Warm scares me, Claire. It terrifies me."

I free myself from the warm, luxurious duvet and climb into his lap, wrapping myself around him. "I don't want you to be afraid anymore. I'm right here with you."

He takes my face in his hands as he shakes his head. "I can't help it. Warm tried to take you from me. It did take you. I couldn't see it. It wasn't solid. I couldn't fight it. I didn't know how to take you back. I was helpless. I watched it take you away from me... it happened right in front of my eyes... and I couldn't do anything. How can I not be afraid of something that has that kind of power? The power to take everything from me?"

Everything. I'm everything to him. It's such a powerful thing to be... someone's everything. His everything. It's overwhelming. To be so valued. To be so cherished. To be so desperately loved.

What have I done to be so loved?

I've never really asked that question before, but it's never held this much importance to me. I've never needed to know... like I do now. Know, so that, whatever it is, I don't stop doing it or being it. So that I never lose him. Because he's everything to me, too. Because that part of myself that's always been separate, I've already shared with him. I've already let him in. He's a part of me. Inside of me. My heart. My soul...

My life.

I'd be afraid, too, if something had taken him from me. If something...

"It put you on the outside," I whisper.

"Yes, Claire, and it was... "

"Shhhh... " I place my fingers gently on his lips. He doesn't have to tell me what that feels like... I saw him. "I know. And I'm very sorry if you felt like I was a part of that, but Jaimin... I would never do that to you. I will NEVER do that to you. I promise I won't. You're inside of me. It's where you'll always be. That's what warm is to me. It's you. And I'm not afraid of it. Mostly."

I give him a playful smile with mostly, and my fingers against his lips are pulled into his mouth in a dominant, but playful bite. I know he's switched on me, just that quickly, but I see in his eyes what my words meant to him. He believes them. We'd still be there if he had any doubts. But he doesn't, and since we've left...

"I think I'm starting to see a pattern here... I think you're a biter. I'm surprised you haven't... "

"Yet," he smirks.

"Aaah... of course... as you see fit. Freak. You know... Loring told me that you're rubbing off on me. You should probably hope that biting isn't one of those things I pick up from you."

"I'm not really concerned about that, Claire," he chuckles, "Even your  my smart mouth will be too grateful for the honor to so much as consider any such treachery. And I'm looking very forward to just how grateful you'll be."

I laugh, because I just can't help it. "You're disgustingly arrogant and assuming."

"Perhaps. But am I wrong?"

"Would you like me to show you?"

"Yes."

Oh! But I know better than to get excited. "But?"

"Not today," he sighs and brushes his thumb across my lips.

"So says your mouth."

"Well... at least one part of me still has the will." He shakes his head, as if to clear away the parts of him that don't.

"Hmmm... I love that part. I mean, I really love that part... " I sigh deeply in appreciation, making him chuckle. "But there are so many other parts of you that deserve my love and affection... "

"Trust me, beautiful, I am not so selfless that I won't let you worship me with your love and affection. You'll get that honor, and everything you want, very soon."

Worship? Honor? He's really something else... but that can wait. "Very soon?"

"If you're good." He smirks at me again, and my pounding-with-excitement heart that I'm sure is pounding so hard that it's shaking the bed, nearly jumps out of my chest.

"So adorable," he chuckles at my wide-eyed expression, and places his hand over my heart. I knew he could feel it!-- and finishes me off with a wink.

I push through the mush he's trying to distract me with and make one more plea. "Adorable wants you."

"I know."

His eyes tell me that he really wants our conversation to end at his knowing, and I let it go with a sigh, trying to content myself with the newly added very. It's progress, I suppose... "So... "

"So... ?"

"Now that you have me here, what are you going to do with me, oh Master?"

There's not an ounce of playfulness in his response. "Keep you."

"Is that so?" I ask playfully, my heart resuming it's pounding.

"Yes it is, and now, I think we should get out of this bed."

"Afraid to stay here with me?"

"Afraid for you, maybe. One of us has to be."

"You say that, yet here I am, all settled in to your lair. Settled in by you... "

"You want to be here, don't you?"

What? "Jaimin... "

"I didn't force this on you, did I?"

"Of course not, you know you didn't. I didn't mean... "

"Tell me the truth, Claire."

Mr. Vulnerable with a side of self-berating Mr. Arrogant. This one's tough. "I want everything. You want to give it to me, and I want it. You didn't force me into anything. You told me what you wanted and I said yes. Because I wanted it, too. To make you happy, yes, but to make me happy, too. I love you. I want to be with you in every possible way. Close to you. As close as I can get. I want to be here with you. Here or wherever you are. For the rest of my life. That's the only truth I have to give you."

He looks almost pained as he reaches for my hands. He holds them gently in his, stroking his thumbs over them slowly, up and down my fingers, his right thumb pausing one on particular spot on my left hand. My breath catches and he looks up at me with innocent eyes. "Everything?"

"Everything," I whisper.

"Thank you, Claire."

"I didn't do anything."

"You let me love you."

"I'm pretty sure I should be thanking you for that, Mr. Guillory. And for letting me love you."

"You have that backwards, beautiful." His eyes leave no question that he believes his words.

"We may have to agree to disagree about that... " I pull his hands from where they linger on mine and bring them one after the other to my lips. "But I'm hoping you won't punish me for not conforming to your ideas."

"I have no intentions of punishing you, sweetheart. Your thinking is a bit delusional, but I'm too selfish to find fault with it."

"On the contrary, I think that's very generous of you. Thank you, Sir. I am, indeed, a very lucky girl."

"Once again, I think we should get out of this bed."

Whatever did I say? I wish I knew, so I could say it again when he's feeling less noble... "Once again, Mr. Guillory, so says your mouth."

He sighs deeply and plants a sweet kiss on my forehead before he pulls his hands from mine and moves me from his lap and jumps up from the bed. "My mouth is the only thing I trust."

"I have complete trust in your mouth, and... "

"Please, Claire? I admit I'm weakening here... I said very soon, but it's not quite time yet. I'll be very unhappy if I fail. I don't think you want that. I trust you not to let me."

He trusts me? Me? The one who tries at every opportunity to break his will? Well, hell... "Okay. I don't want you to be unhappy. I'm sorry...  I'll behave."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"Why do you love me so much?" The question flies from my mouth before I even realize I'm asking it.

"There are more reasons than there is time, Claire."

"We have forever. You could start and see how far you get," I push, needing selfishly.

"Okay," He sits back down and links our hands together, and smiles tenderly at me. "Your beautiful eyes sparkle when you say forever. I love you for that. Amongst other things."

"Of course they sparkle, the thought of forever with you will do that to a girl. Amongst other things."

"Other things, huh?" he asks huskily.

"Yes, Sir. Definitely."

His fingers trail tantalizingly over my hand in his and his eyes grow so dark that I actually gasp. He's switched on me again, unable to help himself. "There are many things I can do to you in forever, Claire... and will do. Many, many things... "

A torrent of shivers run through me at his lustful declaration. Unfortunately for me, he misreads it and his hands move instantly to my face, his eyes panicked, as he feels for uninvited warmth.

Ooooh...  "No, don't be afraid. I'm fine... " I shake my head, trying to reassure him. "It's you. Just you."

He expels a relieved breath and a sweet smile forms on his lips, his moment of distraction gone. I'd pout like a child at my body's poor timing of a shivering response to him if it wasn't for the genuine fear I saw in his eyes. And what I see now. He loves me so much...

"Some shivers are good, I promise." I lean forward and flutter my lashes lightly against his lips and he sighs contentedly. "And they all belong to you. Your words. Your touch. Your eyes... always, always your eyes... and God help me... your mouth... "

"I knew about that last part," he chuckles, low and sexy, before his voice grows serious, "I love you, Claire. More than I could ever tell you... and what I want to belong to me more than anything else is your heart."

"It does. It's yours. You don't doubt that, do you? You couldn't possibly?"

He kisses the tip of my nose, and smiles tenderly at me, stroking his thumb down the side of my face, but doesn't answer. He doesn't want to, doesn't want to give me the truth... but I see it. His eyes speak for him, the truth that he can't bear to voice.

I don't understand. What just happened? How... ?

Oh... I still haven't told him enough. I thought I had... but his moment of unnecessary fear...

He said that warm took me from him... but I think maybe he believes that I let it. He thinks my heart still wasn't sure.

He should know. A few moments ago, I believe he did, but now... so quickly... he seems to have forgotten. How could he forget? How could he doubt? What am I not giving him? What am I not saying, or saying wrong?

His suddenly overly-cheerful voice breaks into my thoughts, "So, what would you like to do, beautiful? My adorable prisoner has been locked up for far too long, how would you like to spend your first night of freedom?"

What? Switch or not, it's not like him to shut down on me. Not about something so important. "Jaimin... what do you need? Tell me. I'll give it to you. Anything. Just tell me... "

"I just want you to be happy, so what do you think? How would you like to be spoiled this evening?"

Damn it... "I want you to talk to me."

"Clearly there's never a shortage of that," he says with a smirk and a wink.

"Stop trying to distract me."

"Would I do that?" he asks with feigned shock.

"YES. And you are. I want you to stop. Talk to me."

"Okay. There is actually a question I need to ask you. Christmas is less than two weeks away. Is there anything special that you'd like? I don't want you to be disappointed in case I don't think of something. Your pout is more than I can bear."

"Is it?" I ask, jumping up from the bed, and taking his hand. He lets me lead him from the room, confusion on his face, and to our shared private space, where I let go and begin searching for the last sketchbook I used in here. I find it after a moment and flip the pages until I find what I want. "If my pout is more than you can bear, then what does this do to you?"

He sucks in a breath at the sight of the wounded bird I thrust in front of him, and the pain and regret I know he feels at hurting me that night floods over his every feature.

"Claire... " My name comes out in a strangled plea from his lips, but hangs suspended in the air with no others to follow.

I let my own pleas fly out to join it, hoping that the wings of my need for him to know are strong enough to carry it into his fearful heart. "I let you in, Jaimin. I opened every door for you. Only you. You're inside. I believe with all of my heart that that's where you want to be. I beg you to believe with yours that it's where I want you. Believe that it's where I need you. Believe that it's where no one else will ever be. It's yours, Jaimin. If I could rip it out and put it into your hands, I would. My heart belongs to you. And to know for a single second that you question that breaks it. To know that you have doubts about how desperately I love you is more than I can bear.

Look at her. Look at how much she hurt. Look at how broken she was... and remember what happened after...

What happened because she kept her doubts to herself. Because she didn't give you the chance to erase them. Because she thought she was on the outside. Because she was wrong.

Because I was wrong, Jaimin. Like you are--if you doubt for a breath that I love you, if you think that my love for you is frail or could ever weaken. It isn't. It won't. It can't.

I let you in. Don't push me out. Keep me. Stay with me. Believe in me. Don't fly away without me. Please. I'm begging you. Please. Don't put yourself on the outside of me, because I promise you... I never will."

His breathing is ragged as he looks at me with wonder.

Shock.

Awe.

Love.

His beautiful eyes blaze into mine, tears spilling onto my cheeks. He reaches up to wipe them away, like so many times before. "Don't cry, Claire. Not for me. Please, not for me."

"Don't doubt me."

He trails his fingertips gently down the sides of my face. "I don't. I... I was wrong. So wrong. I... "

"Tell me," I plead.

"You love me," he beams, his eyes overflowing with pride.

"I do."

He sucks in a breath at my carefully chosen response and I smile at him and wait.

"I'm the luckiest bastard on earth."

"You are."

"I don't deserve you."

Come to me, Mr. Arrogant... "But?"

I know words won't come, and I don't need them. I see. His hands move into my hair and down, his thumbs grazing my jawline, before trailing down my throat and coming to rest. His grip is firm around my neck, and he dominantly pulls me to him, crushing his mouth to mine.

The sketchbook in my hand falls to the floor, all pain forgotten, as I surrender myself to his chaos. There are many things he can do to me in forever, but I already knew that before he said it...

His eyes told me.