Clear and Bright: Chapter Twenty One: Warm

Today's the big day. I'm pretty sure the doc's giving me my walking papers today, accompanied by a pair of hideous crutches. I have no intentions of using them, and I doubt the need to will arise. Between Jaimin, Caressa, and Aricin, I'm either carried around like a little doll or waited on like royalty. A girl could get used to this.

My head is back to normal, and I can even feed myself without injury. Thank you, hands. I was seriously freaking out about that. But the best development of all? My sparkle has returned, and I don't have to see sad, worried faces all around me anymore.

My favorite face has stepped out for a bit, to do what I'm not sure - when I asked him, he said the details would be revealed to me as he saw fit - but the epic show of trust he's shown, by leaving me with my current brat-sitter, as he so recently termed the detail, is just that... epic.

"Loring, could you hand me that sweater? It's freezing in here."

"Or maybe you're just trying to cover up those bruises on your arm? I saw them days ago, Claire, I was just waiting for you to feel better before we discussed them. And don't even consider blaming them on a more recent incident, because I know better."

Geez, are they ever going to go away? "I wasn't going to, detective, and I'm not trying to cover up anything. I really am cold."

I did feel his eyes on my arm, but I am freezing. I've taken this cardigan on and off today more times than I can count. He brings it to me and holds it open for me to put my arms through, his eyes boring a hole through me. He's totally in cop mode... or maybe it's friend mode... or maybe there's no difference...

"Stop looking at me like that."

"Stop pretending I'm not waiting for an explanation."

"I know you... and there's no way that you didn't already demand one from him."

"You're damn right I did, and now I want one from you."

"He's very honest. Whatever he told you is exactly what happened. There's no need for me to repeat it."

"No man has the right to hold you against your will, Claire."

"He wasn't."

He gives me an understanding nod, and reaches for my hand, sitting on the edge of my bed. "I just want to see everything. My eyes are open now... like they should have been before... "

"I don't blame you. And I don't want you to blame yourself." I give his hand an affectionate squeeze. "For anything."

"Well, he made his choices. I wish things had happened differently, but I can't do anything about that now. I did what I had to do... he made the choice for both of us."

"I'm sorry. I really am. That wasn't fair to you."

"No, Claire, it wasn't fair to you. I told you to trust me. I told you I'd take care of it. I let you down. I'm the one that's sorry... "

"You're forgiven."

"I haven't earned that."

"And don't think you have to by being oversuspicious of Jaimin. I won't hesitate to call you if I'm in trouble, but wait for me to call. He didn't mean to hurt me, and he's not a danger to me. You asked me to trust you many times, and I did... I'm asking you to trust me this time. I love him. And I'm glad he didn't let go. I'm glad he held on tight. You should only worry about me if he ever does let go."

"Even I know he's never going to do that. I just need to know that you don't want him to."

"I don't."

He lifts my chin with his free hand. "I'll kill him if I ever see another bruise on you."

"I'll pass along that message." Or not...

"I already told him."

"You know... he left you alone with me... I don't think you realize how monumental that is. Well, I do, and now I'm asking you to show him some respect."

"I respect what he'd do to protect you. But I don't think you realize what kind of a man he really is. I know you're in love with him. I know how monumental that is for you, and I'm happy for you, but I'm worried, too. It's fast, Claire... so damn fast. You hardly know him. Maybe you only see what's on the surface... or what he wants you to see. He's intense, and I get how you might find that appealing, but I'm afraid you're too smitten by it to see the danger that lurks there."

"Yes, he's intense. I don't deny that, but there's nothing lurking. My eyes are open, too."

"Really? Do you have any idea how capable of violence he is?"

"Yes, I do. I've seen it."

"I'm not talking about holding on too tight... "

"I know."

"I don't think you do."

"Loring... I know. I've seen him angry with people he didn't care about. I know what he did to Nadine, and not just because she said so, he told me. He doesn't hide things from me. I see all sides... all layers... I'm not in the dark."

"And you're not afraid?"

"No."

"I don't think he values women. That alone should scare you."

"You're right, he doesn't, but I'm not afraid. I know I'm an exception to that."

"Do you hear yourself?"

"Yes. I didn't say he was perfect. But I know, more than anyone, how much he loves me. I know what I mean to him. I know the value he places on me. The only thing I fear is that someday he'll get tired of my shit, but it's only a small fear, because I really don't think he will. I'm hard to leave. Maybe even impossible."

"His arrogance is rubbing off on you."

"He makes me feel beautiful."

"You already know you're beautiful."

"Everyone knows I'm beautiful."

"He's creating a monster."

"Monsters wish they looked like this," I say with a smirk.

He laughs, shaking his head, "I missed you. I shouldn't have let Leal... "

"It was painful for him to see us have a relationship. I understood."

"I think it was more than that. I think he was jealous, in an irrational way. Jealous of something that wasn't there. Something he created in his head. As beautiful as you are, I've never thought of you that way."

"I know."

"I should have seen it. And I should have stuck by you. I did a lot of things wrong, and I'm sorry."

"I knew you were there."

"Not like I should have been."

"You're here now. It means a lot to me... but I don't want you to suffer to show me you care. I know you do... you don't have to prove anything to me. And you don't owe me anything. I can't comfort you... I am sorry for the hurt you must feel, but ... "

"I'm not asking you to comfort me. I'm not suffering. I'm here because I care about you, and I was worried about you. And to beg for your forgiveness, which you gave me much too easily."

"Maybe I just have a soft spot for you."

"Maybe you can explain that," Jaimin says icily as he walks into my room. "In fact, I insist on it."

I frown at him, and say sweetly "It's just one little spot. All the rest belong to you. You have only to claim them. Please."

"You may be overestimating my patience and understanding, Claire. Interpretation, remember?"

Why does he look so angry? "What?"

Loring laughs and squeezes my hand, and brings it to his lips. "I don't think he likes this," and plants an exaggerated kiss on it.

Oh. Shit.

"Stop that!" I yell, pulling my hand free and slapping him. "It's not funny! Go back to your chair!"

He laughs again and moves from the bed. Jaimin shows tremendous restraint by not dismembering him as he walks past him chuckling, but if looks could kill...

La la la...  Stormy weather...


You're not funny, either.

Well, here goes... "Jaimin, keeping in mind what you see and don't question, may I request that your interpretation return to its previously unclouded state, and that we have some sunshine in our day? I'm already cold and tired, I'm really not up for a thrashing storm. Please?"

He looks at me intently, his eyes dark, his jaw clenched, and rakes his hands through his hair. He's struggling. Too much. I don't understand why, and I'm truly exhausted, but if I have to weather another storm to soothe him, then I will.

"If you really doubt me, then ask me anything. I'll answer... I'll explain... What don't you know? What aren't you sure of? What do you need?"

He hasn't even answered yet... hasn't uttered a single angry syllable, but I feel like I just got my ass beat. Thrashed. Hard. In the time it took the words to flow from my mouth. What the hell just happened? I rub my eyes and sink down into the bed, too tired to sit up anymore. I snuggle under the blanket and wait for the onslaught, but it doesn't come.

He shoots Loring one last dagger and comes to my side, pulling the extra blanket up from the foot of the bed. "I don't doubt you," he says with a sigh, "I don't want you to feel that way. I didn't mean to... Are you alright, sweetheart? You look pale."

A violent chill suddenly runs through me just as he bends to tuck the blanket around me and kiss my forehead in a silent promise of sunshine. "Jesus, Claire, you're burning up!" His hands are all over me as he yells at Loring, who's now back up from his chair. "How the hell could you touch her and not feel that?"

Loring grabs my hand in bewilderment. "She didn't feel like that a few minutes ago!"

I watch him run out of the room and I know I'm doomed. "I wanted to go home today," I say sadly.

"I know you did, but if you're sick, you need to stay right here."

He was just starting not to look worried all of the time. So much for that. "I'm not sick," I try, but the weakness that has taken instant hold of my body is clear in my small voice.

His genuine fear is just as clear in his, "You're burning up with fever... "

"Hurry and put ice on me before someone comes to take my temperature... "

"I heard that," the doctor scowls, coming in with Loring and a nurse.

"I'm not sick," I try again, "Those nurses don't like me. They have some kind of remote control out there and they've been playing with my thermostat all day to torment me."

The nurse rolls her eyes at me and holds the thermometer impatiently in front of my mouth.

I don't open. Even if I wanted to, it seems a daunting task.

I roll my tired eyes in turn as the doctor and nurse both look to Jaimin for assistance with their difficult patient, fully and gratefully aware of the order of things.

"Claire."

I knew that was coming. Maybe I can appeal to his soft side. I grab onto his arm and lean my head against him. "But they won't let you take me home if it says something bad."

He strokes my hair, but doesn't waver, his command soft. "Open."

I look up at him with sad eyes, but his worried expression is enough to stop my sweet-natured tantrum in its tracks, and with more effort than it should require, I open my mouth in defeat.

The nurse is smug as she slips the thermometer under my tongue, and I can see her thoughts as if she spoke them - Was taking you home supposed to be a pleasant thought to him? -  but she doesn't say it out loud, of course, and her expression warms slightly when it beeps and she announces the results. "103.9."

Well, ignore her, because you know it is. And get comfortable, because we're certainly not going home now...


I want to argue with her, but I just don't have the energy. My now thousand-pound eyelids are all for comfortable. I definitely don't have the energy to fight with them. Maybe just a little nap... just a few minutes...


                                                         ~ 




Is this what quicksand feels like? Or drowning? No... not drowning, I can breathe. Or maybe being trapped in an avalanche? With an air pocket, since I can breathe. I think the avalanche might be close... I'm so cold, I must be covered in snow. I can hear their gentle voices, calling to me... but I don't have the strength to answer them. I want to raise my arm... to push through to the surface, to let them know I'm down here... but the weight is too much. I can't move. It's just too heavy. Heavy and cold. Why is it so cold?


                                                    ~ Fever...




"Where are all the flowers?"

"They're still there, you just can't see them."

"Are they invisible?"

"No, just covered up."

"Are they sleeping?"

"Yes, they're sleeping."

"When will they wake up? It's morning. I already woke up. Why didn't they?"

"I guess they're still tired."

"When will they stop being tired?"

"In the springtime."

"When is that? After lunch?"

"No, not so soon. Maybe after one hundred lunches. Maybe even more."

"One hundred is a lot."

"It is."

"It's too many. I don't want to wait that long."

"Sometimes we have to be patient."

"I don't want to be patient."

"Do you remember when Grandfather made you hot chocolate, but said to be patient and wait to take a drink?"

"I didn't wait."

"And what happened?"

"It hurt my mouth."

"Because you weren't patient."

"I'm patient now."

"And you must be patient with the flowers."

"But they're not hot."

"No, they're not hot. But for flowers, cold is like hot that hurts your mouth. So they will be patient and wait for springtime. And we have to be patient and wait with them."

"Are they cold?"

"I think their new blanket is keeping them warm."

"Snow is not a blanket. And snow is cold. How can it keep them warm?"

"Snow is cold for us, but for them it is a warm blanket."

"How?"

"Magic, I think."

"My blanket is warm. Is it magic too?"

"It must be."

I think about this as I look at the snow. No...

"It's not magic!"

"What isn't, darling?"

"The snow! Take it off!"

"Oh, Claire, why are you upset?"

"Take it off!"

"I can't. I told you we have to be patient. It's only just come. I promise your flowers will come back when they're ready. And while we're waiting, we can get some from the flower shop. You can pick, any kind you want."

No. It will be too late.

"No! Take it off!"

"Claire, I don't understand what's upset you so. We can have lots of fun in the snow while we wait for springtime."

"I hate snow!"

"Because it covered up your flowers?"

Why doesn't she understand?

"Too high?" he asks softly.

Finally. He's here. He understands.

"Grandfather! Take it off! She won't take it off! Too high!"

"We can't take it off... " He crouches down and picks up a handful of snow, and drops it over his head and smiles at me. "But I promise it's okay."

I reach up with my mittened hand and wipe some flakes from his face. "Can you breathe?"

"Yes, my sweet girl, I can breathe."

I look again at the snow-covered field where my flowers used to be, confused and unsure. I watch with wide eyes as he picks up another handful of snow and holds it above my head. Grandmother crouches beside me, looking nervous, but Grandfather knows I'm brave. The snow starts to fall lightly over me, just like it fell from the sky last night when we came home from the fancy party with all the pretty pictures. Only grown ups were there, except for me. They said I had a special invitation, and the lady at the party said I was such a good girl that I could come back whenever I wanted. I want to go back. I like the pictures. I'm going to draw her a picture before I go. But right now Grandfather is making it snow on my head.

"You got snow on my nose!"

He smiles at me.

I try to see it, but I can't.

He laughs.

"I can breathe," I announce bravely.

"So can your flowers. I promise."

"Does the snow blanket have air?" I ask hopefully.

"It does."

"It's magic."

"I think it must be."

"My blanket isn't magic. It makes me warm, but it doesn't have air."

"No, and we'll never put it too high."

"No. I don't like it too high."

"I know."

"Never ever."

"Never ever."

"Are the flowers afraid?" I ask him.

"No."

"Okay."

"Are you afraid?" he asks me.

"No. I'm cold."

"Would you like to go inside?"

"Yes. It's warm inside."

"Okay."

"Can I have hot chocolate?"

"Yes."

"I'll be patient."

He smiles and takes my hand. Grandmother takes my other and we walk together back towards the house.

"I'm sorry I didn't understand," she says, squeezing my hand.

"It's okay. I'm difficult," I reply, recalling my mother's words.

"No, baby... "

"I'm not a baby," I interrupt, "I'll be five tomorrow."

"That's right," Grandfather says, "Have you decided what kind of cake we're going to have?"

"Yes. I decided I want a cake that looks like snow and tastes like chocolate."

He opens the door when we reach the rear of the house and stomps the snow from his boots, smiling at me. "That sounds delicious."

I stomp my feet like he did and then he holds me up in the air and Grandmother pulls off my boots. "Is that difficult?" I ask her.

"No, Claire, and neither are you."

"And flowers!"

"Yes, we're going to get flowers. We'll go after lunch."

"No, for my cake!"

"Oh, well, of course. Would you like them under the snow like your flowers?"

"No! In the snow! Peeking out!"

"Ahhh... like Claire under her blanket that's warm and not too high."

"You understand now."


                                               ~


Boys are stupid! They're stupid and now I'm in trouble. I hate them!

Except Grandfather. And now he's here. And I won't be in trouble anymore. I'm never in trouble with Grandfather. I'm never in trouble with Grandmother, either, and she's here too, but she's not a boy. I hate boys.

"Claire, are you alright?"

I nod and smile at them. They look worried, but smile back at me.

"What happened?" Grandmother asks Miss Martin.

"Well... I don't know exactly. Claire is usually so sweet, and polite... but today she struck another child... I don't know why, she refuses to talk... and the other child won't tell... "

"Struck? Perhaps you're mistaken? You don't seem clear on the details and that doesn't sound like Claire at all."

"Yes, the details of the incident are unclear, however, Claire's involvement is not. Now... "

"Did you see her strike the child?"

"Well, no, but... "

"Then how dare you accuse her of such behavior? This little girl is an absolute angel and I assure you, you are mistaken!"

"With all due respect, Mrs. Beaulieu, angel is a bit of a stretch. She's very sweet if she gets her way, but... "

"Be careful what you say, Miss Martin! ... "

I've never heard Grandmother yell before, except at my mother the day they took me from there, but she's yelling now. It looks like Miss Martin is the one in trouble. Big trouble. Grandmother is angry. I look at Grandfather to see if he's angry at her too, but he is looking at me. He has that face he had last week when I threw my carrots on the floor... like he knows I did something wrong, but if she wouldn't have put them on my plate, I wouldn't have had them to throw. He knows I did it. I smile at him to see if he's angry at me, and he touches Grandmother's arm as he smiles back at me and comes over to the chair Miss Martin made me sit in, kneeling down in front of me. Grandmother stops yelling and sits in the chair next to me, and Miss Martin crosses her arms. She didn't like getting yelled at.

"How was school today?" Grandfather asks me.

I shrug my shoulders.

"So, it's true? You're not talking?"

"Not to her," I whisper.

"What about to me?"

"Can't you hear me?" I ask a little louder.

"I can. Will you tell me what happened today?"

"Zacharie pulled my hair."

"Well, that wasn't very nice. Why did he do that?"

"Because he's stupid. And because we were having a race and I won."

Miss Martin doesn't like that, either.

"We don't use that word in school, Claire."

She looks like a witch. A stupid one.

"I can say whatever I want. And I'm not talking to you!"

Except I just did. The stupid witch tricked me.

And she's mad. But I don't care.

"Don't get upset, just talk to me," Grandfather tells me. "What happened after Zacharie pulled your hair?"

"I told him he's not allowed to touch me."

"That's right, he's not. Then what?"

"He said he can if he wants and I said no he can't and he said yes and I said if he touches me again I'll punch him in the face."

"I see. What happened next?"

"He pulled my hair again and I said he asked for it and he's stupid and I made a fist like this... " I show him my little fist, "and I punched him! Right in the mouth! And I did it good! It was bleeding and everything! And he cried! He's a baby!"

"Good girl, Claire. I'm very proud of you."

"Mr. Beaulieu! We do not condone that kind of behavior!"

"Is that right, Miss Martin? So, it's alright with you if a little girl has her personal space violated? It's alright with you if a boy pulls her hair because she beats him in a race? It's alright with you if she stands up for herself only to be violated again? Well, let me tell you something, Miss Martin, that's not alright with me! I don't condone that kind of behavior! The little shit got what he deserved!"

"Mr. Beaulieu, language! And really... boys will be boys... "

"And girls? What? Should be weak? Should just smile sweetly and let boys be boys?"

"I didn't say... Look, the fact of the matter is... the reason I asked to see you... Claire hit a child. So hard that she made him bleed. That's not acceptable behavior. I would like your support in ensuring that she understands it can not happen again."

"Would you now? And can you ensure us that this little boy, or any little boy- just being a boy- will never pull her hair again, or any other such offense?"

"Little boys are... "

"I didn't think so. We are finished here, Miss Martin. I can ensure you of one thing, however. The next time Claire is treated in any way that she doesn't like, because boys will be boys, she won't sit sweetly and take it. I'll make sure she knows how to knock the offender on their ass, while they cry over their busted lip."

Miss Martin is angry at Grandfather. So angry she can't even talk. Her mouth is open really big. She looks stupid.

Grandfather stands up and picks up my lunchbox with the kittens on it and holds his other hand out for me. I take it and Grandmother takes my other hand and we start to walk out of the classroom. Miss Martin still has her mouth open and she's not even covering it. I can say whatever I want and not get in trouble so I'm going to tell her to close it.

"I'm talking to you now because I have to tell you something. Your mouth is open. That's bad manners. I don't condone that kind of behavior. Close it."

I am really proud of myself for this, and now her eyes are really big like a fish. She looks more stupid than ever. But we're leaving, so I don't have to look at it anymore.

"Can we get ice cream?" I ask, as Grandfather opens my car door and I climb in the back seat.

"I think that's a splendid idea," Grandfather answers as he buckles my seat belt.

He closes my door and I watch as they both get into the car. They both turn to look at me and smile. I hold up my little fist and smile back and they laugh.

I'm never in trouble with Grandfather and Grandmother.


                                                ~


"How was the movie?" my grandmother asks as we come in.

"The movie was over three hours ago," my grandfather chides, glaring at Alex.

"It was nice." I smile at her as I bend to kiss my grandfather's tense face. "You know.. nice," I whisper to him.

"Yes, we enjoyed it," Alex says politely, "And did you have a nice evening, Mr. and Mrs. Beaulieu?"

"We did, thank you, Alex," my grandmother smiles at him sympathetically.

My grandfather is not smiling. "And what have you been doing for three hours?"

I roll my eyes at him, but his haven't moved from Alex.

"Well, sir, after the movie, we went for ice cream and saw some friends. After we left them, we decided to park and... "

Grandfather slams his book closed. I roll my eyes again, and start to speak, but mine is not the explanation he wants to hear. Poor Alex.

"To take a walk, sir," he clarifies confidently, accustomed to the inquisition.

"And where did you walk?"

"Montmartre, sir. I know it's late, I guess we lost track of time, but I promise you that Claire was safe. I'd never put her in danger. I'm sorry if we worried you."

"It is, indeed, late. I'm sure your mother is worried as well. You should be getting home."

Always so honest, "Yes, sir, but I no longer live with my mother... I have my own apartment now."

I can't say I've ever seen that look on my grandfather's face before. Yikes.

"Your own apartment? Since when?"

"Just last week, sir."

"And has Claire seen this apartment?"

Crap.

"Ummm... yes, sir, a few days ago... she wanted to paint something for me... like a housewarming present... she wanted to see it first... but it was in the daytime... after I picked her up from school... I brought her right home after... Mrs. Beaulieu was home... "

"Oh, yes, didn't I mention that? I guess it slipped my mind. But it is exciting, getting your first apartment. These kids are growing up so fast."

Thanks, Grandmother, but I don't think you're helping... growing up so fast? I think Grandfather's head may explode... if he starts breathing again...


"Good night, Alex!"

He's breathing...

"Good night, Mr. and Mrs. Beaulieu."

"Good night, dear. Drive safely," Grandmother says, smiling sweetly.

"I'll walk you out... "

"He knows the way to the door, Claire."

I sigh and Alex smiles at me. "I'll see you tomorrow. Sweet dreams," he says softly, and kisses me quickly on the cheek and walks out.

Grandfather follows him to the door, and I start to panic, but thankfully he's back quickly.

"Was that really necessary? Are you ever going to be nice to him?"

"I was plenty nice."

"You know, he really likes you. Why don't you like him?"

"If I didn't like him, you wouldn't be spending time with him."

"Then why are you always so hard on him? He's really very sweet... you should trust him more."

"He's eighteen years old."

"So am I, almost."

"He's a boy."

"And?"

"Boys have ideas."

"Alex is a very deep thinker... "

"That's not what I'm referring to, Claire, and you know it."

"Well, even if he does, I have my own mind."

"Boys have a way of confusing girls' minds."

"Don't you trust me?"

"Yes, Claire, but you spend a lot of time with that boy. And now he has his own apartment. Ideas and an apartment are a bad combination. Add a young, smitten girl, and... "

"And nothing happens that I don't want to happen."

"Until his ideas start to sound like good ones. Coupled with your own... "

"Grandfather... I'm still innocent. He hasn't tried to change that. If it helps you to know that. So you won't worry so much."

His relief at my admission is palpable, "He hasn't?"

"No, he hasn't."

But not quite enough to soothe him completely, "Maybe he just hasn't had opportunity. He has his own apartment now... "

"He's had opportunity."

"When?"

"Is that really important?"

"You're important."

"I know, and I love you. Please trust me. And please be nicer to him. He's important, too. To me."

"Important scares me. For you."

"I'm not ready for that. He understands that. He doesn't push. I'm important to him, too. That should make you happy."

"Okay, Claire, I'll try. But I'm keeping my eye on him."

"I know boys will be boys," I make a fist and hold it in the air with a smile, "but I don't have to sit sweetly and say okay. You taught me that a long time ago... I promise I haven't forgotten."

"Good girl. I'm very proud of you."


                                                ~


Grandmother?

Grandfather?

Where are you?

I want to come home.

I'm cold...

and scared...

It's dark...

I want my blanket and I want hot chocolate and I want you.

I miss you.

I'm not brave enough.

I need you.

I want to come home.

But you're not at home anymore...


                                               ~


"Why can't you do anything?"

"We're doing everything we can... "

"It's not enough! It's not working! The fever's not breaking!"

"We'll keep trying... "

"She's not waking up! Why isn't she waking up?"

"At least she's talking. It's a good sign."

"She delirious! How is that a good sign?"

"It could be worse... "

"Don't! Don't you dare!"

"Have hope, Mr. Guillory. Let us take care of her."

"This happened under your care! She's been in this damn place for over a week! If you'd have been taking care of her, this wouldn't have happened! Why didn't you see it coming? How could you not know? How the fuck did you let this happen?"

"You know how quickly it came on. There were no signs of fever or any illness. There was no warning. I was going to let you take her home that day... "

"And now she's been practically unconscious for almost three days while her body is boiling and you aren't helping her!"

"We're trying. I promise you we're trying everything we can. Just keep talking to her. And get some rest before you collapse, or I'll admit you as a patient. And it won't be in here. It won't do her any good if her fever breaks and she wakes up and sees you looking like... "

"Don't say if again in this room!"

"When she... "

The shrill sound that suddenly fills the room, and cuts off the doctor's words, is worse than any silence or delirium-induced chatter that has preceded it.

The sound that now accompanies it would rip any living soul to shreds.


                                                 ~


"Oh, I've missed you so much!"

"Claire? Oh, my sweet angel... what are you doing here?"

"Looking for you. You don't look happy to see me. Didn't you miss me?"

"Of course we did, but... "

"But what? Grandfather, why isn't she happy? You're happy to see me, aren't you?"

"Of course, my sweet girl, but not here."

"But this is where you are."

"But not where you should be. Not for a very long time."

"But I miss you both so much... and I was afraid... all alone and in the dark... and it was so cold... but I'm not afraid now. I found you. I'm not alone anymore. And it's warm here."

"You weren't alone, Claire. You were far from alone. You got sick... very, very sick... you just didn't realize... but you were surrounded by people that love you. People that are hurting right now because you're here. They're still there, waiting for you. We love you more than anything, but you don't belong here. Not yet. Do you understand?"

"I don't belong? Oh... I... I'm sorry, I... "

"Oh, my sweet girl... don't misunderstand. You will always belong with us, just not here, not now. You have to go back."

"But I miss you... and it's so hard... "

"We miss you too, but we can't be selfish. We see you. We see you every day. We have to pull the shades sometimes, so to speak, but we're watching, Claire. And we're always with you. Even though you can't see us, we're there. You're never alone. And we're so proud of you. I know it's hard, you've been through so much... so much more than you should have had to endure... and I wish we were there with you, but you're so strong... and so brave... and so loved. It's not time yet. You have to keep fighting. We're not going to let you give up. It's not who you are. You're just tired, but I promise you won't always be. Your life is waiting, sweetheart. You don't belong here now. You know where you belong. It's time to go."

"But I just got here."

"I know, but you can't stay."

"Just for a little while?"

"No, it's better to just go."

"But I miss you so much... "

"You'll come back. And we'll be right here waiting for you. When it's time. You have to be patient."

"Okay. If that's what you want."

"It's what's right for you."

"Okay. Can I ask one thing?"

"Of course you can."

"Is he here?"

"Claire... "

"I just need to know. Please?"

"He's right behind you."

I turn slowly, suddenly afraid. Afraid of what I'll see. Afraid of what I'll feel. Afraid of what I'll see looking back at me. Alex.

But it's the same. He's the same. Exactly how I remember. Almost...

"I knew you'd be here. There's no place else you could be."

"I think you got me here."

"Me?"

"Yes, you."

"Oh... I see. You blame me."

"No... not like that. Your tears. When a person as special as you cries for someone... "

"I did cry for you."

"I know."

"I'm angry with you."

"I know that, too."

"I would have helped you... I would have tried... if I knew it hurt that much. But you didn't let me know. You called me that day... and acted like everything was good... You sounded happy... "

"I wanted to hear your voice."

"And you lied with yours."

"No... I was happy... because I was talking to you."

"That's not fair."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"You shouldn't have given up."

"And neither should you. You have to go back, Claire. He's waiting for you."

"You know about him?"

"Of course I do. I'm watching, too."

"I don't think you should do that."

"There are moments I wish I wasn't."

"It's not many."

"Maybe not for you... "

"Is your father here?"

"Yes, he is."

"So, it doesn't hurt anymore?"

"Only watching you hurts."

"Then stop."

"Go, Claire. Before it's too late."

"I don't want it to be too late."

"You have time, but you have to hurry."

I nod and give him a small smile. I see the love in his eyes. It's still there. He still hurts, but he doesn't want me to. I thought he was selfish for what he did, but he's not being selfish now. I'm right in front of him and he's telling me to go to someone else because he wants me to be happy. He said he watches, so I know he knows. He led me to him. His pain created the path to my happiness. And he's telling me to go back to him.

"Thank you," I whisper softly.

He nods, unable to say any more, and I turn back to my grandparents. They're smiling at me.

"Go, sweet girl."

"I wish you could come with me."

"We are. Always with you."

"I don't know how to get back."

"I'll show you something," Grandmother whispers, "It will hurt, but it will show you the way."

"Okay."

"Before you go... " Grandfather says, holding up his fist, "I think maybe you've forgotten how to use this."

"Boys will be boys... " I sigh.

"I do have a shotgun."

"But he's the right choice, isn't he? I'm not wrong?"

"Let me show you something, too, before you go. It's the answer you seek." He puts his hands gently on either side of my face as he whispers "Close your eyes, sweet girl."

I close them trustingly and I'm instantly in another place... A field of flowers. My flowers. An easel in front of me. Laughter... children's laughter. There are two of them... running... laughing... a boy and a girl... beautiful... happy... their faces... Oh... they can only be... 

I feel his hand stroke my hair and I look up at him. He's beaming. At me... at them... Oh!

My eyes fly open, "I want to go back! Please! I want to go back now!"

"We love you, Claire."

"I love you too, so much, but I want to go back... I don't belong here... not yet... please... "

"Okay. Don't be afraid. It will only hurt for a minute... but you'll see."

"Okay. I'll be brave. I'll miss you."

"We'll be there. Never forget that. Now, close your eyes one last time."

I nod and reach my hands out. They smile at me and each take one, like so many times before. "I love you," I whisper, as I close my eyes.

The pain is instant. It cuts me. It slices through me...

I see myself... lifeless.

I see him... he's... broken.

His voice...

"Please... Oh God, please... Come back to me, sweetheart... Come back to me... Please come back, Claire... Don't leave me... "

His cries...

His tears...

His pain...

He thinks I'm gone.

He thinks I've left him.

He doesn't know.

He didn't see what I saw.

He didn't see what Grandfather showed me.

No, he didn't see, but I saw.

And it was beautiful.

Our life.

It was real, I know it was.

Our future.

More beautiful than any dream.


I can't stay here anymore.

I can't watch him suffer.

I can't watch it another second.

I see where to go.

I see the path.

That will take away his pain.

That will lead me back to him.

I run...

I run as fast as my legs will carry me...

I don't look back...

I run and run and I won't stop until I get to him.

I know I'm getting closer because I start to feel the cold.

The weight pushes down on me, but I keep going.

The path gets darker with every step, but I'm not afraid.

I can't see anything now, but I won't give up, because I know he's waiting for me.

He's waiting for me in that place where I belong.

He once told me to fight...

I was too weak that day, but I won't let him down again.

I'm tired and I'm cold, and the weight and the darkness are pulling me down and making me stumble, but I refuse to be weak. I pick myself up. I fight. I will be strong enough today.

For him.

Because he's broken and only I can fix him.

And for me.

Because I saw...

And I'm selfish...

I'm selfish and spoiled...

And I want it.

I want it all.

I want everything.

And he's waiting to give it to me.

I'm almost there.

I can't see, but I can hear...

I can hear him calling to me.

Leading me back to him.

I reach out and I know I've made it.

I can feel him.

Touch him.

I can hear him. Right here. Right next to me.

His cries don't stop, but they're different now.

Pain and agony replaced by joy.

I came back to him.

He's holding on so tight that it hurts.

But I don't care.

Because I saw.

And I can feel.

And he's so warm.

Clear and Bright: Chapter Twenty: Milk

                                         
                                       
"There's my beautiful eyes. I thought you'd never open them."

"Mmmm. Hi. Why do you look like you haven't closed yours?"

"I had more important things to do."

"What was that?"

"Watch you."

"I'm not going to disappear, Jaimin. It's over. You need to sleep."

His face contorts with pain at my careless words. "Claire, please... "

Oh, my love...  "I didn't mean to... I know how you must have felt... I'm sorry."

"I don't want to think about that right now. You're here, and that's all that matters. How do you feel?"

His eyes are so full of concern as he looks into mine, like he's looking for something that he can't find. What doesn't he see?

"Ummm... well, my head isn't pounding quite as hard."

"I'm glad, sweetheart. You have a nasty bump, and a concussion. It might take a little time."

"My foot feels strange."  I pull it from under the blanket to look at it. It's wrapped in a bandage.

"It might be the stitches that feel strange to you. The wound was deep, but the doctor doesn't believe there's any permanent damage. Of course, he's waiting to hear how it feels to you. You were pretty incoherent the whole time he was with you. Do you remember any of that?"

"Little bits, maybe. I was just so tired... and knowing you were here... and I was safe... I didn't fight it. Even though I missed your face. Your scruffy face."

"Sorry this is the face that you woke up to. I think I should let someone know you're awake... "

"Not yet... and I'm not. I want to wake up to that face every day, forever. Three day scruff or not. Besides... I think it's sexy."

"Are you sure about that?"

"That it's sexy? Definitely."

"No... the other part."

So vulnerable. "It's the only thing in my life that I'm sure of. You're the only thing that isn't a question. My arrogant bastard should know that. And that I missed him, very, very, very much."

He shakes his head, raking his fingers through his hair, "I'm not feeling very arrogant right now. I failed you, Claire."

"No you didn't. You found me. Just like I knew you would."

"I missed you more than you will ever know. Every minute you were gone was unbearable torture. Finding you took much too long... and I didn't do it alone. I had help."

"Is that why you were all wet?"

"I borrowed your rain."

"You know what that means, don't you?"

"No, what does it mean?"

"If it helped lead you to me... you're in."

"You think they approve."

I smile sweetly and nod my head.

"I think I should find the doctor... the concussion must be worse than he thought."

"Stick to the kitchen, scruffy, comedy's not your thing."

"Are you hungry?"

"Yes, but the only thing I want in my mouth right now is a toothbrush."

"You definitely have a concussion."

"Okay, that one was a little funny. But don't you worry, I'll be back to normal before you know it. Be ready."

"You're adorable."

"Adorable wants to brush her teeth."

"Okay." He reaches down next to the bed and pulls up a small shopping bag. "I asked my mom to pick up a few things for us... "

"She was here?"

"Yes. They both were. And the Bouchards. And Emilie. And Loring has been in and out. They're all very worried about you."

"The Bouchards?"

"Yes. They love you, Claire."

"I know that, but... "

"They love you. There's no but."

"How do I face them now?"

"I assure you, sweetheart, they're worried about facing you."

"I don't blame them for anything."

"I'm sure they know that."

"How's Loring?"

"He's worried about you."

"Did he tell you what happened?"

"Yes."

"Did he... ? Was he the one... ?"

"Yes."

"Oh God... He must be... "

"He's fine, Claire. He really is. He'll be back to see you. Everything will be okay. I don't want you to worry about anything now."

"And you're okay with that? Him coming back to see me?"

"I'm not jealous, if that's what you're asking."

"Good."

"His feelings towards you are innocent. I don't question that."

"Thank you."

"You don't have to thank me. I know what I see, and it's just one more person that genuinely cares about you. And didn't like your stunt any more than I did."

"I think I feel ganged up on."

"I think you should  pick a toothbrush."

"The pink one. Unless you had your heart set on it?"

"The only pink my heart, or any other part of me, is set on is your little shorts. Wait... that's not true... and your luscious lips, and... uhhh... nevermind. Now, let's sit you up and then I'll get you some water and a cup."

I giggle, but let him off the hook. Mostly. "Where are they?"

"In a safe place," he smirks.

"Will I ever get them back?"

"Definitely. And may God have mercy on you when you do... "

"As long as you don't."

"Such a brave girl."

"I am."

"I know. And for your sake, believe me when I say that you don't want to discuss that right now. Your little tantrum could have gotten you killed."

Oh... well it did work out... "Okay."

He shakes his head and sighs, and reaches for the controls to adjust the bed. "Ready?"

"Ready."

He raises the bed slowly until I'm upright. It makes me only slightly dizzy.

"Is it too much for you?"

"No, I'm okay."

"I'll be right back. I'm just going into the bathroom to get you some water."

"I want to go."

"No, sweetheart, you're going to have to spit in a cup this time."

"I need to go."

"No, you... Oh. Okay... then I'll take you."

"No way. I can do it by myself."

"I don't want you to fall."

"I won't."

"You can't walk on that foot."

"I know. I'll hop."

"NO HOPPING."

"Fine. You can take me there, and bring me back, but what I do in there, I do alone."

"We'll see."

I glower at him as I try to stand, but unfortunately, as soon as I do, I teeter sideways. He doesn't say anything as he picks me up, and carries me quietly to the bathroom.

"Go ahead. I know you're dying to smirk at me or something."

"No, sweetheart. I want you to need me, but not because I let you get hurt. A smirk is the last thing you'd see on my face right now."

Let me get hurt? "You didn't let me get hurt. Don't say that. None of this is your fault. I know a little about what happened outside. You were protecting me. You couldn't have known it was coming at us from all sides. You didn't do anything wrong. I don't ever want to hear that again. Now, put me down and get out."

He sets me carefully on my good foot, right where I need to be, and tries to help me.

"Out!"

"Claire... "

"Please, Jaimin... I promise I can do this part. Please go."

"If you fall... "

"It will be my own stubborn fault. You can punish me."

"I'm not going to do that, Claire."

"Ever?"

"I'm not going to make any promises I can't keep. I'll be right outside the door."

He laughs at my pout and makes sure I'm steady before he lets go and steps out. I manage to take care of business without incident and am ready to stand up. I discover immediately that one foot and a spinning floor don't make the best companions.

Come on, Claire, you can do this. You sat down, you can stand back up. Stop being so pathetic! I try again and just manage not to crash headfirst into the wall in front of me. Damn it, if I could just put weight on my other foot.... maybe...  "Ow!"

"Claire!"

"No! No, please! I'm okay! Please don't open the door!"

"I'm coming in... "

"No! Wait... please, just wait. Just one minute... please."

You can't do it. You need his help.

I'm painfully aware of that, thank you very much, but I'd like to maintain some dignity, and not have my panties around my knees!

Good luck with that.

"Claire... I'm opening the door."

I try hurriedly to pull them up in my impossible position, a little too hurriedly, and topple sideways just as the door opens. He catches me just before my head hits the base of the sink. Please, God, kill me now. I bury my face abashedly in my hands and wait for my prayer to be answered.

"Don't hide."

"I want to die."

"Stop that. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. You have a bad concussion, sweetheart, and can only stand on one foot. You're unsteady, and I shouldn't have let you try by yourself. It's my fault. I'm sorry. The only thing you should be is mad at me, not embarrassed. Now, can I see your beautiful face?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I fell off the toilet with my panties down and you saw!"

"The only thing I saw is the woman I love almost get hurt. The only thing that matters is that she didn't. And now I would like to see her beautiful face when I tell her how very much I love her."

"No."

"Please, Claire? I went far too long without seeing it."

I peek at him through my fingers. "You don't play fair."

"I know."

"I'm too humiliated."

"You shouldn't be. Not with me. Not ever."

"They're still down."

"Okay. I can fix that." He manages somehow, with no help from me, who's still hiding childishly behind my hands, to re-position me in his arms and pull them up and in place. "Voila. Next problem?"

"Ummm... your memory."

"Hmmm... that's a tough one, because I don't want to forget a single second that I've spent with you. But I think if you let me see your face, that other picture will fall from my mind forever."

"Liar. Ten years from now you'll be telling people we barely know, laughing at my expense."

"Never. The only thing I'll be telling anyone is how lucky I am that I have the most amazing woman in the universe to love. That she's the closest thing to perfect that could ever exist. But that sometimes she lets her silly brain run away from her and I have to chase it down and bring it back to us. And that she's worth it."

I drop my hands from my face and stare at him in wonder, my humiliation forgotten, washed away by his words.

"There's my face. That's much better. Thank you. Now, would you like to wash your hands before I take you out of here?"

"Yes, and my face, and brush my teeth. Because when you tell me how very much you love me, I'm going to kiss you with my luscious lips."

"Did I mention how lucky I am?"

I smile as he leans me down so I can reach the sink and wash my hands. "We need the bag. We left it on the bed."

"You're going to do the rest of what you want from the bed."

I quickly throw water on my face, or try to, getting us both wet in my failed attempt at coordination and trying to get my way.

"Faucet off, messy girl. You can finish from your bed, like I told you."

"You always send me to bed dripping wet, without having gotten my way," I pout.

He laughs as he carries me out of the bathroom and sets me gently on the bed. He goes back to get a towel and I hurry to pull the cleanser out of the bag and slather it on my face.

He laughs again as he comes back. "I knew you were going to do that. That's why I brought this." He lays the towel on the bed and pulls a hot washcloth from his closed fist, and begins to tenderly wipe it over my face.

"That won't be enough. I got too much... "

"Then I guess I'll get some exercise running back and forth to rinse it out. But you're staying put."



We get through my tidying up and he quickly does his own -shaving not included, per my request- and I'm just about to demand his promised declaration of love, anxious for my kiss, when the doctor shows up to spoil my fun. I give him an honest, yet slightly edited, account of my teetering existence since I woke up, and he firmly tells me to stay in bed. Jaimin couldn't be happier, having his own words backed up by the doc, but my examination seems to have left him more worried than before. I was more than a little surprised when he even stepped out with the doctor and left me alone.

Food arrived next. Well, I'm sure it was meant to be food, or to resemble it, anyway... It was promptly and rudely sent away. God bless my arrogant chef... but now what? "I really didn't want to eat that, but I'm hungry."

"I know, I'm going to take care of that right now." He picks his phone up from the little nightstand near the bed.

"Jouissance doesn't deliver. Besides, although I'm sure you've trained them to be very competent, I only want it if you cooked it."

"Your loyalty is much appreciated, sweetheart, and you certainly deserve the best, but I'm not going to leave you. Second best will have to do."

His call connects and I smile at his pride in second best. "Hi, Dad.  ... Everything's good... Yes, she's awake, already being a brat, and hungry. ... I sent that crap they tried to give her away... Thank you. ... Something light, I think. ... but hurry... She's impossible when she's made to wait for anything. ... Yeah, now is not the time for her to be stomping her feet."

I stick my tongue out at him and he laughs and disconnects the call.

"I can't believe you just called your father to bring me food. I'm sure he's busy... "

"They were just waiting for you to wake up. He's not working today... actually, they're at our apartment."

"They are? So, they know?"

"Yes and yes. And they are thrilled at our decision."

"They are? They don't think it's too soon?"

He laughs, "Hell no. Something you don't know... my parents were married a week after they met."

My jaw drops open, "A week? Wow. And they've always been happy?"

"They have their spats... which usually just means my mother acts like a pain in the ass... He ignores her most of the time when she does that... which irritates her. She wants her way, of course, and his attention... He's pretty laid back... It takes a lot to get him upset. If he gets angry with her, she knows she's gone too far. My mother is very strong, and as much as she likes to pretend she has full control, she knows she doesn't. She wouldn't respect him if he gave it to her. Like that first night at dinner... She went too far. She knew he was unhappy with her. She wanted to come outside and apologize to you. I wouldn't let her. She got an earful from me, but I knew he was going to let her have it. So did she, and believe me, she was dreading it...

Anyway, to answer your question... Yes, other than rare instances like that, they have always been happy. They knew they were meant to be together from the start. They didn't see any reason to wait, and they've never regretted it."

"Your father is very much like my grandfather. I adored him immediately."

"I could tell. It made me very happy. And that's one of the reasons I took you there the other day... You were making excuses for me... Letting me off the hook too easily... I thought you might listen to him."

"I don't want to talk about that."

"Okay."

"So, why are they at our apartment?"

"Because they know I won't leave you. We left things in disarray... " He pauses and I see him try to push the pain away. "You shouldn't have to go home to that. They took my truck to unload the last of it and try to make things nice for you. Of course, we'll change anything that isn't the way you want it when you're feeling better... but for now, it's better than going home to boxes. And don't worry... I told them your studio was off limits. Of course, that only peaked her curiosity, but I told him it was important, and he'll keep her out."

"Thank you, but it's your office."

"No, I have a corner in your studio. It's more than enough, and your privacy will be respected. I just wanted you to know I didn't forget."

"I love you."

"I love you too, Claire. More than anything in the world. I need you to know that. I need you to always know. No matter what ever happens... No matter what we may go through... Please never forget how much I love you. I couldn't bear it if I lost you. I came too close... the pain was excruciating. I never want to go through that again. I'll never forget what it felt like. I'll never take you for granted, I promise I won't. And I'll fight for the rest of my life to protect you, to keep you safe, and to make you as happy as I can. I never want to live without you. I would, I wouldn't disappoint you by taking the easy way out, but it wouldn't be a life. It would be a cold, dark, painful existence for a lost and broken man... and if I ever do anything to lose you, I'll endure it, because that's what I'll deserve... to live and suffer in the hell that would rise up without you."

Deserve? "Don't say that. Please don't say that... that's too much, Jaimin. If you ever lose me, it will be forces out of our control that take me from you. I know that, because I know I'll never leave you. I'll never choose to leave you. Nothing you could do... Nothing you could say... I know you'll never ask me for more than I can give you, I know you love me too much. I'm sorry if my stupid brain ever questioned that, but I do know. And I know that you'll never let me go. I'm yours for as long as this life allows us, but if it ever takes me unwillingly from you, please don't punish yourself. The hurt and sadness I know you'd feel would be more than enough to have to endure. I love you too much to even imagine it. Don't make me worry... Don't make me waste a moment of time I get with you worrying about that... "

"You're right... Time is too precious... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... "

He seems so lost. Blaming himself. He's suffering too much. Punishing himself even now.

"Shhh... I know. You more than love me. I know." I pull him to me, pull his arms around me, and we sit this way for a few moments. His arms speak to me, tell me how lost he was when they were empty. I can't wait another minute. I pull his mouth to mine. The kiss is slow. Careful. Sweet. Perfect. Until it's interrupted...

"Jaimin, really... for God's sake, can't you wait? She is in no condition for that!"

She pulls him away and I giggle at his wounded expression. "As hard as this may be to believe, Caressa, trust me, he can. He's completely innocent. I'm the shameless one."

"Innocent? Oh, my poor, sweet, darling girl... you're hallucinating. Aricin, run and get the doctor."

"Oh, I think she's okay." He smiles at me and leans down to kiss my forehead. "The doctor can't help her anyway, there's no treatment against Guillory charm, as you very well know."

She rolls her eyes and pulls him away as well, wrapping her arms carefully around me. "We were so worried about you. Do you have any idea how very loved you are? I'm sure you don't, but let me tell you, you are, and you scared us to death. But you're safe now and that's all that matters, and I'm going to fuss over you and take care of you... "

"Mom, you're scaring her."

"Nonsense, if your face doesn't scare her, nothing will. Why haven't you shaved yet? And you're just jealous that I'm not going to let you have her to yourself. Well, you'd better get over it, because I'm not going anywhere until she's strong again and the fire's back in her pretty eyes."

I look at him with a playful help me expression, but his face is etched with pain. I don't understand. "Jaimin? What's wrong?"

He smiles sweetly at me, but I see the sadness he's trying to conceal. "Nothing for you to worry about, beautiful. Let's feed you."

He busies himself unwrapping the food Aricin has brought, but I see the look he exchanges with Caressa, and he is unmistakably upset about something. She gives me the same sad smile and fluffs the pillows behind me, before stroking my cheek and moving out of the way. What the hell is going on?

"Jaimin, please tell me what's wrong."

"I just want you strong. So, please eat. What do you want to drink?"

His eyes are pleading with me not to ask again. I know he must be beyond exhausted, so I won't push. For now. "Can I have a Coke?"

"No caffeine, sweetheart. Second choice?"

"Oh, then just water is fine."

"Let me see what I can find. I'll be right back."

"I want you to eat with me. I want you strong, too."

"I know you do. I love you. You get started. Right back, I promise." He holds a bite up to my mouth and I open for him, and he kisses the tip of my nose, hands me the fork, and walks away, gesturing for Caressa to follow him.

"I don't suppose you'll tell me?" I ask Aricin, once the door closes.

"What I can tell you is that he loves you very much and he's worried about you. He feels helpless, and believe me, my son has never felt helpless a day in his life, except when he couldn't find you. Then and last night."

"But he did find me. Both times."

"He'll be okay when you're better, so fight to get better. And I'm glad he found you, Claire. Both times."

"My injuries are just like the bruises on my arm... they'll heal. The bruises are fading, and my foot will heal and the bump on my head will get smaller and smaller until it's gone. There's not much I can do to fight to hurry it along."

"Just do everything the doctor tells you. And let Jaimin take care of you. I promise to keep Caressa from smothering you too much, but you're on your own with my son, because I don't think you need my help with him. If you're willing to concede to him, now's the time. He needs it, Claire. He blames himself. Let him protect you, let him have some kind of control. And if there's other pain, let him help you through it. You don't have to tuck everything away. And I'm always here if you ever need anything. You are loved. You don't have to endure anything alone. You have this family wrapped around your little finger."

"You're going to make me cry."

"Oh, please don't do that," he pleads with a horrified expression, "Now, may I suggest that you take another bite before he comes back?"

The door opens just then and I hurry to put a bite into my mouth. My perception is still a bit off, though, so I miss my mouth completely, stab myself in the cheek, and end up wearing it. Right in front of him. It's a repeat of the doctor's examination, only this time with food. And a bigger audience. How humiliating. Now I can't even feed myself.

Jaimin rushes to my side, putting his hand up to stop Caressa's bustling. She almost beat him to me, and ignores him, trying to wipe away the evidence of the mess I made, but stops when Aricin clears his throat. I really adore that man.

I feel Jaimin's concerned eyes on me as I look at my hands, and whisper "I don't know what's wrong with me. My hands just won't do what I want them to."

"Don't you worry your beautiful head about that. Everything is going to be fine."

"What if it's not?"

"It will be. Open please?"

I look at him now, trying to fight back the tears. "What if I can't paint?"

He's struggling, I see it, even though he's trying to be strong. I open my mouth, trying my own hand at being strong, while my unanswered question hangs terrifyingly in the air. He slips the bite into my mouth and puts his other hand on mine. "It's only been hours, Claire. I don't want you to worry about things like that. When your head is better, everything will return to normal. You have to give it time. Patience, my love."

"You shouldn't have to feed me."

"I like to feed you. And... " He opens a small carton of milk he walked in with and pours it into a cup and looks at me. "I'd like you to drink this."

I wrinkle my nose at it.

"For me?" he pleads sweetly.

Damn him, why does he have to look so cute? I chance a glance at Aricin and he raises his brows at me.

It's just milk.


But I don't like milk! Unless...

"Can I make a request?"

"As long as it isn't chocolate."

"No. Crushed ice?"

"In the milk?"

"Yes."

"Does that make it taste better?"

"Yes."

"Can I ask how?"

"I don't know... it's magic."

"Crushed ice. Okay."

"Or at least those little chips. They give those to women in labor. At least on tv."

He laughs, "You're adorable. Magic milk it is."

"I'll get it," Caressa smiles, running out the door.

"Is there a story behind magic milk?" he asks, holding up another bite.

"I want you to eat."

"I will. You first."

I open obediently and chew my bite. "Well... my grandmother let me be fairly picky about food, but she wouldn't budge on milk. It was a daily battle. Tantrums... it wasn't pretty. I can be kind of a brat."

"Really?" he chuckles.

"Shocking, isn't it?"

Caressa runs back in and sets a cup of ice chips on my tray. "Sorry, that dreadful woman refused to crush. What's funny?"

"Claire is telling us a story. Quiet, dear," Aricin says with a finger to his lips.

"I missed some already," she frowns.

"In summary, Claire is a tantrum-throwing brat who doesn't like milk." Jaimin winks at me.

Mercy... "I thought you wanted me coherent... "

"I do. Sorry." He puts another bite into my mouth and pours the milk over the ice. He waits for me to chew and holds the cup to my lips, and I take a small sip.

"It was nothing, really... we were having our usual battle about the milk during lunch and my grandfather came in. He asked me if I would drink magic milk if he made some. We'd just been to a magic show the week before, so I was intrigued. And he was him... so I said yes and he crushed up some ice and poured the milk on top and pretended to do some silly magic spell and gave it to me. And I drank it. It just tasted better. So, I was given magic milk from that day on. No more tantrums. That's it. Not much of a story."

"I disagree," he smiles lovingly at me. "But I'm curious... Is there a magic spell to get you to eat carrots?"

"Eew. No way. Never gonna happen. Believe me, they tried. Epic tantrums. I'm still undefeated. As you well know."

He shudders from the memory of his attempt and they all laugh, while I sip my magic milk like a good little girl, even holding it myself and managing not to miss my mouth. Maybe it really is magic...


                                                 ~


I want to take a bath. And wash my hair. Well, what I really want is a shower, but that's not going to happen for one-footed, teeter tottering Claire. A bath will have to do. If I ever get some towels. We've asked twice. Still nothing. I think they're making me wait on purpose. They seem to think I'm a demanding little brat. Caressa's even less popular with the staff, but I don't think brat is what they're calling her...

So, she's been delegated babysitting duty, while my gorgeous boyfriend is flashing his dazzling smile somewhere to get what I want. Or screaming at someone, I'm not sure which. Either way, I have no doubts he'll come back with towels. And he better do it quick, before I go hopping out of this room to test my hand-eye coordination. You know... just in case his smile is what's holding him up. Caressa is laughing at me as I practice my fist making.

The door opens and the smile that was meant for him falls from my face. You have got to be kidding me...

"Well, hello, little doll. How sweet of you to come and visit me."

"You're a nurse?"

She smiles wickedly at me. "Yes, and all yours. You'll be amazed how attentive I can be. Bath time, little doll."

"In your dreams. Drop the towels and get out."

"Now, now, don't be afraid. I'll be very gentle, and you'll be squeaky clean and properly pampered in no time."

"You're not going to touch me."

"Claire, is it? Lovely, but I prefer little doll... it just suits you so. I'm Vivienne, but you can call me Vivi, if you like. And, in any case, it's my job, when patients are such that they need assistance, which, lucky for both of us, you are. You're really quite delicate, aren't you? I just knew he'd break you if he wasn't careful. You poor thing. Well, not to worry, I'm here now and I'm going to take good care of you."

Where the hell is he? "The only thing you're going to do is leave. Caressa, may I use your phone?"

"Of course, darling, here you go. Who is this inappropriate woman?"

At least my fingers finally do something I want them to. "She's a member of the dismissed harem, and now, as when I last met her, much too curious and eager to familiarize herself with me," I answer, as I type my message:

Dressing room party moved to my room. Still NOT fun. She's positively salivating. Please come NOW. Claire 


I hit send and look up to see Caressa's disgusted expression as she turns on her. "Is that so? Well, let me tell you something, you reprehensible little whore, whatever relations you may have had with my son are over, and whatever shameful and lecherous intentions you have towards the woman he loves are never going to happen, certainly not by course of your job, which you will now lose. You are out of line and, let me assure you, out of your element. You... "

The door flies open, cutting off Caressa's words, and Vivienne smiles as he approaches her. She knows he's angry. She doesn't care in the least... "Shame on you, hurting our little doll! You have to be more careful! Would you like to watch our bath? I'll teach you how to play nice with her, and next time, you can call me for the rough stuff. I don't break that easily, but of course you already know that... "

She doesn't get another word out as he grabs her by the hair and drags her from the room. Caressa runs after them, mortified. I'm not sure what she's more bothered by, her words, or his response to them. I hope she can keep him from getting arrested, although I doubt blondie would press charges... Something tells me she finds it arousing...

It turns my stomach. So does the fact that now I'll wonder if every pretty nurse that walks through the door has intimate knowledge of my boyfriend. I just want to get out of here. I want to go home. Why can't my stupid head just cooperate? I'm tired of this place, and tired of the sad smiles that all of the people who care about me give me every time they look at me. I want to know why. Do they think I'm traumatized? Well, I'm not. I probably should be, but I learned how to switch off a long time ago. Me first. And, damn it, right now I want a bath. Certainly I can take a bath by myself. The bathroom's only a few hops away...

I thought you wanted to get out of here? You falling and cracking your skull isn't going to expedite that. Wait for help.

I CAN'T HEAR YOU... and I'm not a child. And shut up!

Very mature...

I refuse to be made to feel helpless. I'm not helpless and I'm going to take a bath. I unfold the towels and lay them on my shoulder and move carefully off of the bed.

Standing.

That wasn't hard at all.

One little hop...

So far so good.

Two little hops...

A little dizzy...

And you're still holding on to the bed. What are you going to do when you have to let go?


I'm not listening to you!

Three little hops...

Stupid spinning floor...

I'll just pretend I've had way too much wine. I know it's not really spinning, it's just my stupid head. I can do this.

You're going to bust your ass. And your stupid head. Then he's going to blister your ass. Get back in bed!


Letting go...

Four little hops...

Ha!

Five little hops...

Oh shit...

TIMBER!


Right. On. My. Ass. "Ahhhhhh!"


That was not graceful.


"Oh my God, Claire!"


He has the best timing. Gotta love him. Of course if he'd have showed up a few seconds sooner, you wouldn't have busted your ass, but for entertainment's sake, his late arrival was perfect.

"Ow... It... h-h-h-hurts... and... sh-sh-shut up," I stutter through my tears, as he picks me up, and sits with me on the bed.

"I'm sure it does, and what?"

"N-not y-you. N-n-never m-mind."

"Are you okay? Other than hurting my pretty little ass, did you hurt anything else?"

"N-no... just my p-pride."

He sighs and holds me close, wiping my tears, "Why are you so stubborn? Why couldn't you just wait? Do you know how bad you could have gotten hurt? What if you'd have hit your head?"

"I d-didn't."

"Not the point. I'd hate to restrain you, Claire, I really would... I know how much that would upset you, but I will do it if I have to, to keep you from hurting yourself. Please don't make me."

"No..." I cry, looking at the marks on my wrists. "Please don't do that to me... I... please... "

"Shhhh... I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that." He pulls each wrist to his lips, kissing the marks left by the rope. "Will you please just let me take care of you? I know you're a tough little thing, but you're fragile too, and my sweet little bird isn't ready to fly yet. I can't bear to see you broken any more. Can you understand that?"

"I just wanted to take a bath."

"I know, because you're a stubborn and impatient brat. And I adore you. And my pretty little injured ass."

"That disgusting thing has left the premises," Caressa says with an air of satisfaction, as she comes through the door. "Really, Jaimin, how you ever... Claire, you've been crying! What's wrong? Don't tell me you let her upset you?"

"No, Mom, she just got impatient and fell trying to hop herself to the bathroom."

"Oh, darling! Are you alright? Should I get the doctor?"

"No. If you tell him, he'll probably just add a week to my stay in this hell. I'm fine, as long as I don't stand up again. Or hop."

"Or sit," Jaimin chuckles.

"Do not tease her!" Caressa smacks his arm, picking up the towels and heading into the bathroom.

I wait for the sound of the water before I respond, "Actually, I'm quite accustomed to a sore ass. As if you don't know... "

"Like I said, you're a stubborn brat, who sometimes deserves a sore ass. And in this instance, you seem to have saved me the trouble and punished yourself. All there is now is to see if you learn from it. I wish I could say I had hope... "

"I wish I could say that none of your whores tried to molest me today. You could have warned me that she was around. How many others are there?"

"I didn't know, sweetheart. And none. That I know of."

"So, what you really mean is that you still don't know. I guess conversation wasn't a priority in your oral communication... "

"I'm not going to respond to that. But I'm very sorry that you had to deal with that shit."

"Again."

"I promise you that's the last time."

"I wish I could believe that. Unfortunately for me, I don't."

Don't forget why you're here. Your past hasn't exactly been a peach for him either.


But...

But nothing. You're being selfish. Don't punish him for something that he didn't do.


But he did.

BEFORE YOU. Look at him. Hasn't he suffered enough? Why are you making him feel like shit on top of it all?


Because I'm a terrible person.

Damn it... It's not his fault. As much as I don't like it, I've accepted the life he lived before me, and it's wrong of me to attack him with it now. He didn't invite it into our lives. He came running when it showed up. To protect me. And I'm being a bitch.

He looks like he's been through hell and back.

For me.

He hasn't slept in two days.

For me.

He spends every moment worrying and trying to protect me from everything, including me.

He thinks he failed me.

He thinks he let me get taken.

He thinks he let me get hurt.

He blames himself.

He has the weight of the world on his exhausted shoulders.

Because of me.

And I'm being a bitch.

Because someone who I know means nothing to him happened to walk into my room.

And like everything else, it's not his fault...

But I'm being a bitch and he's letting me.

He's putting up with my shit.

Because he loves me.

And he thinks it's all his fault.

And it's positively breaking my heart.

"Jaimin... "

"I mean it, Claire, I don't want any of that to touch you ever again. I know you're upset, and I'm sorry. It's the last thing I want. I swear I didn't know. I never would have left you, not for a second... "

"Stop."

"You're so mad you don't even want to hear my voice... "

"I only don't want to hear it apologize. You didn't do anything... and I'm the one that should be apologizing to you. I was being a bitch, and I'm sorry. And that's not all... that doesn't begin to cover it... Almost since the day you met me, your life has been turned completely upside down... stress after stress after stress... my shit, not yours... so much...  How can you even stand me for what I've done to your life?"

"Mouth please. And what you've done to my life is filled it. The only thing I'd change is all of the hell I've had to watch you suffer through. Hell that I didn't or couldn't protect you from. And hell that I've added to. You're a pain in the ass, but there's been more than enough of my shit, too. And to ask me how I can stand you is ridiculous. Don't ever ask me that again. Don't make me start taking notes... I promise you, you don't want me to write these down. You think you can't walk now... "

"I'm injured," I pout innocently, "and fragile, just like you said."

"Where's my brave girl now?" he smirks.

"Ummm... I think she's at home practicing a strip tease for you."

"That one I'm writing down."

"Shouldn't that go in my book?"

"I told you I'd share mine with you. You just haven't written anything down in it."

"You did, and forgive me, I'll get on that as soon as we're home. Any other notes you'd like to request I make?"

"That you obey all of my orders."

"Give me intriguing ones and I'll be so obedient your head will spin."

He mutters something unintelligible just as Caressa comes out of the bathroom. Damn that woman's timing...


"All set, complete with bubbles! It will be a little awkward keeping that foot out, but we'll manage. Ready?"

"We? Ummm... "

"Now, darling, don't be shy. You need help... you can't possibly balance yourself with one foot out of the water and wash your hair and all of the rest. I'm not a prude... he can come, and help, but he'll have to behave himself if I'm there, and your tender head needs a gentle touch, which I don't think he has. Now, come, while the water's nice and warm."

I look to Jaimin for help, but he only laughs at my horrified expression, and carries me straight into the bathroom.

Thanks for the support! I'm going to kill him. If I ever take my hands from my face to do it. How humiliating...







Okay, the pity party is over. I survived my bath. It really wasn't so bad. The humiliation was brief. I'm clean, and I smell good, and I'm feeling thoroughly pampered. In the right way. I could certainly do worse than to have the Guillory family at attention. I'm swathed in luxurious new silk pajamas, Caressa loves to shop, bless her heart, and my nails are done and my toes are done, and frankly, I feel a bit like a princess.

My prince has finally fallen asleep, thank God. He'll probably be mad about it when he wakes up, and feel guilty, somehow, but he was completely exhausted and needed to sleep. Aricin showed up during my pedicure, and after we all ate the wonderful food he brought us, he told Caressa she'd smothered me enough for one day and dragged her away. She didn't go willingly. I have to admit, I've liked having her here. Other than the fact that she saw me naked, and wondered aloud at how I would ever bear her grandchildren... the way Jaimin's eyes sparkled at that mention made me forget to be embarrassed.

If only my own sparkle would return. I finally figured it out. Once he fell asleep, I picked up the compact Caressa left beside the bed and took a long hard look at my face. I know why they all look at me that way. I know why he got upset with her before. It was what she said. It's my eyes. They're wrong. There's no sparkle, no fire. They're just there. That's why he's so worried. Even the doctor... he's constantly looking at them, while Jaimin holds his breath. I know it's because of the damn bump on my head, but I really don't feel that bad. It's kind of like a dull, annoying headache. I only get dizzy if I move too fast, or try to do too much. It's just a concussion, nothing more. The tests have proven that.

I want my sparkle back. I want him to look into my eyes and see what he needs to see. I want him to smile, instead of the worried, sad attempt at one I see over and over again. I want my hands to do what I want them to without having to think about it and concentrate on my every movement. I want the only chaos in my life to come from the storm that is the beautiful man sleeping next to me. I want everyone around me to stop hurting, for me, and themselves.

I think back to a time when nothing touched me, because I didn't let it. Because I didn't let anyone get that close. When I ran away from everyone and locked myself up tight and didn't let anyone in. Life was so much simpler then. When nothing mattered to me but me. When it all made sense. When I thought silence was all I wanted.

I hear his soft breathing beside me and know how wrong I was. It's a beautiful sound. I don't want the silence anymore. I could never find peace in it now.

I let my eyes drift closed and turn into him, hoping not to wake him. He stirs and I open them to look at him, but his are still closed. My name slips softly from his lips and a sweet smile forms on his mouth, as his arm curls protectively around my waist.

His breathing resumes it's gentle rhythm, and I let myself get lost in the sound and feel of him. Life was simpler then, but I wouldn't trade this for anything in the world. Simple is like milk, without the ice. Silence has no magic. The peace it once gave me came from me. I don't run to it anymore, I don't need it...

I was alone in that room and it wasn't enough. The open door that separated us felt like an endless trail of darkness and pain that, for the first time, even I couldn't find my way past. I couldn't heal myself. I got lost and couldn't find the way out. I needed him to come, to find me and lead me back to where I belonged.

Because I belong somewhere.

I don't have to do it alone.

I let someone in.

I let someone love me.

Someone who loves me in spite of all of the stupid things I do and say. Someone who loves me just as much when I'm falling off of a toilet with my panties down, or hanging out a window to feel the pummeling rain on my face, as when I'm strutting confidently through a room, knowing his eyes are on my ass.

Someone who whispers my name in his sleep and smiles. Someone who wraps his arm around me because he knows I'm there... He doesn't have to open his eyes and look, because he knows he's brought me back to him, and that's where I'll stay. Where I belong.


I know the ice doesn't really add magic. The milk is still the milk. But when you open yourself up and give something a chance... When you let go of your fear that it's going to taste bad... When you accept that it doesn't make sense, and doesn't have to...

When the person asking you to try is someone you love and trust with all of your heart... Whether the heart of a little girl or the heart of a woman... Whether that person is the man that first made you laugh or the man that first made you... Oh... it's not nearly simple enough to put into a word... It's not so simple as a little girl's first laughter in the rain... but I suppose that really wasn't simple either... and she was so much stronger than I am now... Wasn't she?

No, just sweeter. Innocent. Like your grandfather's love. You're comparing them, and that's beautiful, but you know it's not the same. Not nearly so simple.


Not simple at all.

But?


Worth it.

Worth everything.

Worth embarrassment and humiliation.

Worth misunderstandings and frustration.

Worth pain and anger and tears.

Because through it all...

After it all...

His grip tightens around me, as if he can hear my thoughts.

After it all... is this.

Clear and Bright: Chapter Nineteen: Held

                                             
                                     
What does a man look like when he's found peace? When he's attained the unattainable? When reality has surpassed the beauty of a dream? When everything he dares to want is waiting to be wanted? When everything he wants to give is welcomed and cherished? When he is loved? When he is understood? When the love is uninhibited by the understanding?

To a passerby on the street, the man looks happy. Profoundly happy. The smile he wears isn't only worn on his lips. It's in his eyes. It's in his every movement. His every breath. It bathes him in light, even in the dark. It pulses inside of him as his mind pummels him with beautiful pictures. Pictures of hope. Pictures of real. Pictures of his. Pictures of her. She is his. She is all. And she is waiting.


His smile fades as he is kept from her. He grows angry as he forms an impenetrable barrier between her and what wants to harm her. His eyes grow dark. His words sinister. His hands trembling with fury he won't hesitate to unleash. He will protect her at all costs. He will show no mercy. He will give no more chances. He has been pushed too far.

He feels no guilt.

Remorse will not come.

An exception, only for her.

She's still waiting.

The thought of her waiting calms him. His breathing slows. The storm subsides. He won't take it to her. Won't let it touch her. She is his peace. He will touch her with gentle hands. Look at her with gentle eyes. Speak to her with gentle words. And take her home with a gentle heart. All exceptions, only for her.


The smile just reforming itself on his face freezes as it suddenly occurs to him that she may be watching. That she may have seen. That he may have frightened her.

She's not at the window. Was she a moment ago?

He braces himself for what he may find when he reenters the apartment. He must be careful with her.

He finds the door open.

Panic screams in his head.

Her coat on the floor.

Fear grips his heart.

"Claire?"

He knows she won't answer, but he doesn't stop calling for her.

He runs from room to room.

He knows he won't find her here, but he doesn't stop looking for her.

She trusted him.

She wasn't afraid.

He left her vulnerable.

And now she's gone.

Vulnerable.

Trusting.

Gone.

What does a man sound like when his peace has been taken away? When what's his has been stolen from him? When his reality has been shattered? When he's left with only the dream? The dream he let go of? When he left her to wait too long? When she who cherished him, she who loved him, she who understood him, has been ripped from his arms? His arms that she wanted? His arms that she needed? His arms that she trusted? His arms that let go and left her waiting? Left her vulnerable?

To a passerby on the street, perhaps any street for miles, he sounds like a man who has lost everything. The agonized cry that comes from him isn't only sound. It echoes through the air, but that's nothing compared to what it does to his body. He feels his own storm. It batters him. Batters his mind. Batters his heart. Batters his soul. Batters his now-shattered existence. It crashes over him, a relentless torrent of fury and pain. Regret. Guilt. Failure. It threatens to pull him under. To drown him. He wants it. He thinks he deserves it. For failing her.

Her.

She can't hear him, but he tells her anyway. "Claire... I'm sorry... "

He hears her words.

You found me.


They're louder than the battering storm.

They pull him up.

They make him fight.

What are you doing? She's still waiting for you. Waiting for you to find her. You haven't failed her yet. She's waiting for you to take her home. You're wasting time. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Are you going to just let him have her? She trusts you. GO FIND HER.


He picks her coat up from the floor. He brings it to his face and inhales deeply. The scent of her pummels his senses. Tears burn in his eyes. They burn his skin as they fall. The pain is like fire. It consumes him.

He imagines her cold. He imagines her scared. He imagines her hurt. He can't breathe.

Another strangled cry erupts from him. What if she can't breathe? What if she has no air?

He imagines a little girl with big, frightened eyes, locked in airless darkness.

A little bird with those same eyes, trembling and broken.

He runs from the apartment, her coat clutched in his hand. He pulls his phone from his pocket as he jumps into his truck. Full of her things. He dials the number as he looks at the empty seat beside him where she's supposed to be. It mocks him with unrelenting cruelty. You failed her. You lost her.

He doesn't recognize his own voice as he says the horrific words. "He took her."


                                                    ~


Claire Beaulieu's apartment is a crime scene. Like it should have been once before. Not for the playful crimes of a man in love. Not for the moments of want that consumed his senses and broke his will. No, those weren't crimes. And he doesn't know about those.

His friend was attacked in this apartment. Nearly raped.

His brother beat her attacker to a bloody pulp in this apartment. Nearly killed him.

Because he was stalking her.

His little brother prevented a crime while committing his own.

And he did nothing.

He told her not to worry. His friend. This woman that's like a little sister to him. He loved her from the first moment he met her. When his little brother brought her home. His little brother the idiot. He knew he'd screw it up.

She was different. She was special. He told him to be careful with her.

He didn't listen.

He screwed it up. She left him after almost a year.

He couldn't let her go.

He couldn't stop wanting her.

He couldn't stop loving her.

He started watching her. Following her.

She called him for help. He told her not to worry. He told her not to be afraid. He told her he'd take care of it.

She trusted him.

The idiot made him a liar.

She kept calling him. Please make him stop, she'd say.

I will, he promised, again and again.

He beat the idiot's ass a hundred times. As a brother.

He didn't do his job. He didn't protect her.

The night she was attacked was difficult. She tucked it away inside of herself and asked him to let it go. He did what she wanted.

He didn't beat his little brother's ass that night, even though he should have. If he hadn't have been watching her that night...

He covered it all up like nothing happened. No reports were filed. No one was hauled in. He didn't do his job.

Claire Beaulieu's apartment is a crime scene. Because he didn't do his job.

He thought he could handle him.

He was wrong.

Her new boyfriend has turned the idiot into something he doesn't recognize. Something he's seen in his job, but couldn't admit to seeing in his little brother.

He sees it now. He can't deny it anymore.

Detective Loring Forester is finally doing his job.

He prays to God that it isn't too late.

Claire Beaulieu has been abducted. His friend. His little sister. She's in the hands of a deranged lunatic. His brother, the idiot.

Jaimin Guillory is frantic. Her new boyfriend. He's a bit intense, but he likes him. He did a check on him. The man's a saint. Well, on paper. A little more digging revealed him to be a womanizing asshole, and by his own admission, not someone you want to piss off... but his sweet little sister has a way of changing a man. This man is in love.

With his sweet little sister that's in the hands of the deranged lunatic.

He'll find her if it kills him. Or the lunatic.

He will do his job this time, no matter the cost.


                                                 ~


Why can't I feel her?

I never could.

All that time...

She was right there...

I couldn't feel her.

WHY CAN'T I FEEL HER?

God, where is she?

Please help me?

Please tell me where she is?

Please let me feel her?

PLEASE?

My phone. WHERE THE FUCK IS... "Loring? Tell me something, please."

"The house is clear. Nothing's disturbed. No one's been there."

"You know him... where the fuck would he take her?"

"We're checking everything we can think of... "

"ARE YOU?"

"Yes, we are. I know you don't have a lot of faith in me right now, I let it go too far... but I'll find her. I didn't think he would... "

"YOU WERE WRONG! AND LOOK WHERE IT GOT HER!"

"You're not the only one that cares about her. I will find her."

"YOU CARE ABOUT HIM!"

"Of course I do, he's my brother... but I'll do what I have to do. I won't let her down again, Jaimin. I swear to God, I won't. I'm going to make this right. I will bring her home to you."

"Talk doesn't mean shit, detective."

"You're right, it doesn't, so why don't we both stop wasting time... "

"Have you found that bitch yet?"

"No. You know, if you wouldn't have roughed her up, she might not be hiding."

"A moot point."

"I'll be in touch. If you find her, you better use your hands to call me, and keep them off of her."

"FIND CLAIRE."

"Shit. He hung up. He's coming unglued."

"You really think he's going to heed your warning?"

"Hell no. He's a hothead. He's convinced she has something to do with this. If he finds her before we do, he might kill her."

"I think he's right."

"If I hadn't have been there the other day when she called him, I'd have my doubts, but since I was... and Jaimin's account of what transpired a few weeks ago... "

"If he's telling the truth... "

"He admitted to choking her half to death, you really think he's lying about that?"

"No."

"Neither do I. And he's too arrogant to lie. Call the Bouchards again."


                                                 ~


Where are you, Claire?

Talk to me, sweetheart.

Tell me where you are.

Tell me where to find you.

I'm lost.

I don't know where to look.

I'm scared.

I can't feel you.

Why can't I feel you?

Talk to me. Please.

I can't hear you. I need to hear you.

I'm sorry I kept you waiting.

I thought...

I was wrong.

I made a mistake. Another mistake.

I left you vulnerable.

I'm so sorry...

Where are you???????????


                                               ~


Pain...

Pounding.

Throbbing.


Pain.


Voices.

Not clear.

I can't make them out through the pounding in my head.


I want to see.

I want to open my eyes.

Why are they so heavy?

I try and I try but the pounding pushes them closed.

God, it hurts...

Why does it hurt so much?

Think, Claire. Why does it hurt?

Why can't I remember anything?

Why can't I focus?


Where am I?

Jaimin.

Where's Jaimin?


Voices again.

Too quiet.

Is he here?

"Jaimin?"

The voices stop.

Did he hear me?

I'm not even sure I heard me.

Damn it, why can't I open my eyes?

Where is he?

"Jaimin?"

"Stop. Saying. His. Name."

Oh no...

God, please, no...

I remember.

The door opened...

I tried to scream...

He couldn't hear me...

Then... pain.

That's why it hurts.

He...

"Leal."

"That's better."

No....




                                                  ~




We were so close.

Minutes.

But minutes was all it took.

To go from close to gone.

She's gone.

Taken.

Lost.


You found me.


I know.

I did.

I found you.

But you weren't being hidden from me...

You were right there.

Waiting.

You didn't know it...

but you were.

You were waiting to be found.

Waiting to be held.

Are you still waiting, Claire?

I let go.

I let go and someone took you from me.

Can you ever forgive me for that?

I walked away from you after I promised you I never would again.

And now...

I don't know where you are.

I don't know if you're afraid.

I don't know if you're cold.

I don't know if you're hungry.

I don't know if you're hurt.

I don't know if you're broken.

I don't know if you're waiting...

Do you still want me to find you?

Maybe you don't.

Maybe you don't trust me anymore.

Maybe I broke you.


I'll find you.

I'll make you safe again.

I'll make you warm.

I'll feed you.

And I'll fight.

For the chance to hold you again.


                                                ~


I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I couldn't scream.

I'm sorry I couldn't fight.

I'm sorry I let him take me.

I didn't want to leave you.

I never wanted to leave.

I wanted to go home.

I wanted you to take me home.


I want you to take me home, Jaimin.

I'm waiting.

I'm waiting for you to come.

I'm waiting for you to find me again.


I'm sorry.

I can see your face.

Your face is all I see.

All I want to see.

But it's breaking my heart.

I can see the pain on it.

I can see your fear for me.

Your regret.

Don't, Jaimin.

Don't blame yourself.

It's not your fault.


I'm waiting.

I know you'll come.

You found me.

I trust you.

You'll find me again.

You'll take the pain away.

You won't let him have me.

You'd never let him take me from you.

You'd never let me go.


I got lost.

But you'll come.

You'll find me.

You'll lead the way.

And I'll follow you.

I'll let you take me.

Home.

Where I belong.


Be strong, my love.

I'm waiting for you.


                                                  ~



That bitch is up to something. She's part of this. How long has she been betraying her? Where is that damn envelope?

She wanted to go. She asked me to take her. We never made it that day. Distractions... No more God damn distractions. It must be in her bag. Where is her bag?

Did she have it today? No. She didn't take it. There it is... where it always is.

I find the envelope and run back out of my apartment. Our apartment. Where she's supposed to be. With me. I don't want to be here without her. I don't want to be anywhere without her.

It probably doesn't mean anything. I don't know what's behind the door. Maybe nothing. But I have to look. I have to know. Maybe...

She gave it to her. Said she should see what's there. Why? What's there, Nadine? Something to hurt her? How long have you wanted to hurt her? How long have you been doing things to hurt her behind her back?

I find the address easily. I turn the key in the lock and enter. It's pitch black, I feel along the wall for a switch. The lights may not even work... if this was her father's... aaah... light. It's some kind of office. Pictures. Pictures of Claire. Everywhere. Baby pictures. I'd know those eyes anywhere. That sweet, beautiful face. Pictures of the first four years of her life. The little angel that didn't belong. How could they? How could they look at that face and not love her? How could she be so jealous of her own daughter? How could he choose her over his innocent child? Damn them both to hell.

The photographs don't progress through her life. They jump from a four year old little angel to an adult. Of course they do...  Her grandparents wouldn't have given him anything. It was Nadine. Pictures at the gallery. Parties. Events. Men...

That must be Alex. She's younger. There are many. They look happy. In love. The way he's looking at her... the same in all of them. His love for her is unmistakable. In some she seems oblivious. My selfish girl. She was the center of his universe. He wasn't the center of hers. Some she's looking back at him... but it's different than the way she looks at me. I see the difference. She gives me more. God, where is she?

There are a few faces I don't know. They must not have been around long. They couldn't hold her. They tried. The one constant in every photograph is their arms. Their hands. On her. Trying to stake their claim. It made her uncomfortable. I can see it. I've never seen that from her. She wants mine. She told me never to take them from her. And she doesn't have them now. I'll find you, sweetheart. They're yours...


Him.

He has what's mine.

He took it.

He took her.

He took her from me when I was just feet away.

That bitch helped him.

How could I be so stupid?

How could I be so careless?

How could I let him take her right out of my arms?


Even the detective is represented.

He has his arm around her.

She's laughing.

Leal is not.

His eyes are...

He was jealous of his own brother.

The ease she felt with him.

It's playful.

Innocent.

She's innocent.

But he twisted it.

Turned it into something it wasn't.

It's in his eyes.

She was too innocent to see it.

Loring should have seen it.

He should have recognized the danger.

But he wasn't paying attention.

And now she's gone.

There's one more photograph. One more face I don't know. But a face I'll never forget. He must have been the one...

I'll find him one day. I'll teach him what no means.

Focus on her. Nothing matters right now but finding her.


Paintings. They're hers. He couldn't be a father to her, but he wanted pieces of her. He didn't deserve them. He hid them from his bitch wife. She'd have burned this place down if she'd have known. But she didn't know. She thought he gave her up. For her. But he couldn't quite let go.

No one wants to let her go once they have her in their grasp... those that do... go back.


Go back and take anything they can.


Whether she wants to give it or not.

I have to find her...

I can't stand here and let him take something from her.

I try to focus and look for something... anything that might help me find her.

The desk isn't locked. I go through it, but don't find anything. Some newspaper clippings. A pile of letters. Sent to her years ago. Returned. Her grandparents protected her. They didn't leave her vulnerable. They didn't make the mistake I made. They kept her safe. Once they heard her beautiful laughter, they wouldn't let anyone take it from her.

I wish they were here.

The danger didn't enter her life until after they were gone.

Would I be in her life if they were still here? Would they have let me near her? Am I any different than they are? Yes. I would never take something from her. But am I any different than he is? If she tried to leave me...

You don't have her now. You're wasting time again.


I'm sorry, Claire. I'm coming, sweetheart. I'll find you, I promise.

I finish going through the desk. Nothing. This was a waste of time. Precious time.

She's going to lose her laughter. And it's all my fault. Because she trusted me. She trusted me to protect her and I didn't.

I look one more time at the photographs of her with Leal. Nothing in the backgrounds tell me anything. Two are at the gallery. It looks like some event. They're of no use, I know she's not there. The other one... the three of them... a party? It could be anywhere. I take it... maybe Loring will remember. It's something. One more place to look.

I turn to leave, but something is bothering me, pulling me back. There's something about the photographs. What the hell is it? They're all...

She didn't know. She didn't know she was being photographed. Not a single one is posed for. She's not looking at the camera. Not in any of them. They were private moments. Public, but private. Photographs taken by someone watching her. By someone who couldn't take their eyes off of her.

There must be others. If she gave these to her father... how many did she keep? There must be many, many others.

I pull out my phone to call Loring, and it rings in my hand. "Anything?"

"Not yet. But if you can maintain composure, and not touch anything, there's something I'm willing to show you."

"Where?"

"Nadine's apartment."

"Pictures... Look for pictures."

"How do you know about that?"

"I'll be right there."

I rip her paintings down from the wall, I can't leave them. He never should have had them. She didn't have the right to give him pieces of her. She didn't have the right to take anything from her that she didn't want to give, and I'm taking it back.


Nadine's apartment is just a few blocks away, it takes me only minutes. Loring is outside waiting. "Now listen to me. I don't have to do this... "

"Show me."

"Not until you listen to me. Her parents are in there. Regardless of how you feel about her, the Bouchards are good people. They love Claire very much. And they're afraid for her. They came here because they were worried about their daughter's involvement, Leal has been around the gallery...

They found something...

They could have hidden it, but they didn't. They called me. They're not protecting her. They love Claire too much. But this isn't easy for them. She's their daughter. That she could...

Just don't make it any harder for them. They want what we all want. Do you hear me?"

"I thought you had something to show me."

"I mean it. What's that a picture of?"

"I found it. Do you recognize it? Do you know where you were? Is it anywhere he might have taken her?"

"I've never seen this before. Leal looks... "

"PSYCHOTIC?"

"I was going to say deranged."

"Yet you never saw it."

"We'll talk about this later. Come on."

I follow him in and the Bouchards are sitting on her couch, looking distraught. Loring approaches Mrs. Bouchard with the photograph.

"Is this your house?"

"Yes, that was Claire's birthday party two years ago. I took lots of pictures that night, but I've never seen that one... " Her words trail off as she looks at me, her expression full of pain and shame. "Jaimin... I don't know what we can possibly say... I'm so sorry... We're so ashamed... And so worried...  But I have to believe that Claire will be alright... That they wouldn't hurt her... They couldn't... "

They. "There's evidence that they're together?"

"No," Loring interjects, "but based on the photographs... it's likely that you were right. I believe one or both of them had been watching you... Seeing you move Claire's things out of her apartment would have made him... desperate. That desperation, coupled with Nadine's influence... I think she convinced him she wanted to help him... She created a diversion... distracted you for a few minutes... just long enough for him to grab her... "

"She'd never have gone willingly. She would have screamed. She would have fought... I didn't hear anything."

He gestures towards the next room and speaks in a low voice, as I follow him. "He would have no access to drugs that would work quickly enough... He hates guns... I think he must have incapacitated her in some way and carried her out the back. I'm concerned about a head trauma... "

God, no...

"... But I still can't imagine him hurting her... The only other thing I can think of is that he may have threatened to hurt you in some way? Enough to make her believe him? She might have gone willingly?"

"No. He would have needed time to do that. She doesn't see me as weak."

"This isn't about your ego... I'm not saying she does, but she watched him beat a man nearly to death. The only reason he didn't is because I showed up and stopped him. If I hadn't have been around the corner when she called me, it would have been too late. He would have killed him. She was afraid."

"No. He hurt her. She's hurt and we're just standing here! Show me the fucking photographs!"

"I need you to calm down... "

"Don't fucking tell me to calm down! If you'd have done your fucking job, instead of coddling your lunatic little brother, Claire would be safe at home with me right now, not missing and God knows how hurt! If she's even alive!"

The silence that settles in the apartment is deafening.

That I could even think those words is...

But to say them out loud...

"I haven't given up... I'm just... "

"Hold it together, Jaimin. I know you're scared for her, but you have got to try to keep a clear head. I know you're pissed off... I accept full responsibility for this. I made a mistake. Many mistakes, but I won't do it again. I will not let her down this time. We will find her. And when we do, she's going to need you. Be strong for her."

"He can't have her... She's mine. He can't fucking have her... "

"Listen to me... I don't think my little brother is our biggest concern... "

"WHAT?"

"Come take a look. Claire's best chance to be safe is his devotion to her."

I look down at the table he's led me to. Spread out upon it are photographs. Hundreds of them. Mutilated photographs. Her eyes cut out. Her face slashed. Her head cut off. Her hands...

I can't look anymore. I turn and walk out of the room. Out of the apartment. I hear Loring's steps behind me. "Jaimin... I believe that he loves her. No matter how misguided that love is... I think if someone hurt her, or even tried to... he'd protect her with his life."

"And if you're wrong?"

"Pray that I'm not."


                                                  ~


"He was easily distracted. His hatred for me made it nearly effortless. It's ironic, don't you think? That he chose me over you."

"You're delusional."

"And here you are. At my mercy. You should hope you're wrong about delusional."

I look at Leal. He hasn't stopped staring at me since I opened my eyes. He hasn't said anything else. He just...  stares.

"What's it like, Claire? Being back home?"

"This isn't my home." And he's never going to look for me here...


"Oh, that's right... your parents didn't want you. Your mother would probably roll over in her grave if she knew you were in her house."

"Shut up, Nadine."

She's irritating him. And making my head hurt worse every minute. "Leal?"

"Yes, Claire?"

"Could I have an aspirin, please?"

"I'm sorry about that. I'll see if I can find some."

He leaves the room and she's over me in a flash, stroking my cheek strangely. "Such a pretty face... but it won't be enough. He'll choose me too, you know. We've gotten rather close. It doesn't look good for you." She slaps me hard just as he comes back into the room.

"Shut your mouth and get away from her!"

"Oh... you didn't want her to know about our new friendship? Oops. Too late."

He pushes her out of the way and leans over me, showing me the aspirin in his hand. My hands are tied above my head, and I'll have to let him put them in my mouth. I don't like the trust it symbolizes. He sees my hesitation and I see the anger start to move towards me.

Don't make him mad. Do what you have to to keep him sweet.


I open my mouth just enough and he drops them in, and I lean up as far as I can as he tilts the glass of water to my lips. I swallow them and whisper, "Thank you."

"You're welcome. I'm sorry I had to do that... If you would have just talked to me... "

"But that would mean Claire would have to think of someone other than herself. Really, Leal, you of all people know she's unwilling to do that. And stop being so nice to her. That's not what we brought her here for. Let's get on with this... "

"I told you to shut your mouth. Do you need assistance with that?"

"That depends... what did you have in mind?"

"Not what you're thinking, I assure you. Now shut up!"

Try to calm him down. We don't want him upset. Talk to him. Keep him focused on you.


"Leal... would you like to talk now?" I'm sorry, Jaimin... I don't know what else to do...


"Save it, Claire. He's not interested. You had your chance. Put your big, stupid doe-eyes away or I'll do it for you, and you'll never be able to look at anyone that way again."

"Don't talk to her that way!"

"She's trying to manipulate you."

"She's not doing anything!"

"She doesn't have to. You lose focus just by looking at her. She knows that. I'm here to make sure you don't. Makeover time." She turns and leaves the room, leaving him glowering after her.

She's insane. Talk to him. NOW.


"I know you're upset with me... but Nadine has nothing to do with this. It's between us. I'm listening now. Talk to me. Please don't let her hurt me."

"She's just trying to scare you. Don't pay any attention to her."

"Why is she here? Is that what you want? Do you want me to be scared?"

"Forget her. I want you to want me."

Tell him you do.


No.

Yes.


He's not stupid. He'd know it was a lie.

"I want you to be happy, Leal."

"I can't be happy, Claire. Not without you. Not since you left me. Please come back. It will be different. I'll be different. I'll be better. Just give me a chance. I'll give you everything you want. I'll make you happy. I promise I will. You'll see. Just one more chance? Please?"

"You're pathetic," Nadine snarls, as she comes back. "Since when has begging her ever gotten you anywhere? Making yourself weak won't work with her. Her boyfriend is a complete asshole... He's cocky and arrogant... He bosses her around... He probably tosses her around... You saw the bruises on her arm... Wake up. Weak won't work. She apparently likes it rough. So, let's give her what she likes."

"I told you to shut your mouth! You're not going to give her anything!"

"There you go. That's the right approach. But use it on her, not me. Now, is there anything you'd like her to do for you? While her face is still pretty? She'll never do it willingly, and God knows she won't do it well, but you've waited a long time, and she's hardly in a position to refuse. I can wait for you to make one of your fantasies come true before I redecorate her face. Hell, she might even try... she's selfish enough to think she could manipulate you into letting her stay pretty."

Makeover? Redecorate my face? He wouldn't let her... Would he? Maybe he would... he hinted at it in his note... the flowers...  Maybe he can't bring himself to do it... Is that why she's here?

Why is he looking at me like that? Why isn't he saying anything? Is he really considering? Oh. But he... Please, no...

My voice is barely a whisper, "Leal? That's not who you are. You're kind... and gentle... I don't think you want to hurt me. You'd never take anything from me. She's trying to confuse you... "

"Shut up, Claire. You don't know him as well as you think you do. People change. People get hurt. People have limits to how much hurt they can take. You hurt him too much. You hurt me too much. And now we're going to hurt you. It's fair. And there's nothing you can do to change it."

She grins at me... it's... deranged. She pulls her hand from behind her back... she's holding a knife. She waves it at me and laughs.

He looks at it and takes a step towards me. I can't read his movement. Is it protective? Or something else... I'm not sure he even knows.

I don't know what to do. Jaimin, where are you?


Even if they don't kill me... he won't want me like that. Mutilated.

I'd rather die.

What are you doing? Don't give up. Nothing's happened yet. 


"You should see your face, Claire. I wish your mother was here to see it. Of course, you're still too selfish to shed tears... but that will change. You'll cry. Do you know why? Because it will hurt. Would you like to know what I'm going to do to you?"

No. "I want to know why? Why do you hate me so much? I've never done anything to you, Nadine. I've never hurt you. I've never taken anything from you... "

"Never taken anything from me? Are you really so self-centered that you don't even know? You have taken from me... You've taken so much... far too much. My parents... they love you more than me. You didn't have your own, so you took mine. And every man I've ever wanted... "

"That's not true. You didn't want them until they were already mine. You're the one that tried to take from me. You're blaming me that they didn't want to be taken. That's twisted."

"Jaimin wasn't yours. You'd never even met him. I met him countless times. I wanted him first. You took him from me!"

Change the subject. Let it go. Leal won't like this.


He needs to see how twisted she is.

"How could I take him from you? You never had him."

"I could have if he'd never seen your stupid face!"

"You had opportunities, Nadine. He didn't want you. Don't blame me for that."

"I do blame you. And you're going to pay the price."

"Pay the price for what? You don't even like him. You said yourself he's an asshole."

"An insignificant detail. Nice try, though."

"It doesn't make sense. Something I've never quite understood... if you're so angry with me... because you think I took him from you... why did you try to help him hold on to me?"

"Because I wanted him to hurt you!"

"Hurt me?"

"From the minute you met him, you were affected. I knew you were no match for him. For the first time, someone had come along that could hurt you. You fell for him fast and hard. His possessiveness and controlling manner were the only things that might have sent you running. But they didn't.

I figured he'd stop being so entranced by your face when he saw how ugly the rest of you was. And frankly, that he'd get bored with your sweetness. A man like that doesn't wait. I thought he'd leave you. I thought he'd break your heart. I wanted him to stick around long enough to ensure you'd fall completely in love with him before he left you. Because I wanted you to feel pain. He was supposed to be different! He wasn't supposed to fall in love with you! He was supposed to hurt you! You fuck up everything! You take everything!

I don't know how you do it... I don't know what it is about you that they can't resist. But I'll start with your face. It's the most obvious. I'll destroy it. You'll be lost without your pretty.

You'll try to heal yourself, though. You'll lock yourself away... paint away the pain...

Leal will take care of that. He hates your hands, did you know that? He came second to what you did with them. Or third... You come first. Then painting. Then everyone and everything else has to fight for a spot...

And you wouldn't touch him with those hands... except to push him away. I'm not sure what he has planned for you... I don't think he's decided yet. Shatter all of your bones? Sever all of your nerves? I told him he should just cut them off... your hands... he thought that was a bit much. He's a little soft. In any case... whatever he decides... you'll never be able to use them again. You'll never paint again. I hope your last was a masterpiece, because you'll never hold a brush again."

It was. It was him.

"Your eyes will be next. You do too much damage with them. The last things you'll see will be your hideous face and your mangled hands. And the faces of the people you hurt so much that they took them away from you.

Anyway, that's enough for now. The rest will be a surprise. You'll have to feel your way through it... it's not like you'll be able to see it coming."

Her deranged laughter fills the air. It's like a hammer on my throbbing skull.


Don't give her any ideas.


Tell me about it.

Why is he so quiet? I look at him, hoping to see any trace of the man I once knew, the man he was before his obsession with me took him down a dark path. Is it too late? Can he come back? Does he feel anything good for me anymore? Anything that will stop him from hurting me? Anything that will stop her? I don't know. His eyes give nothing away. He seems... disconnected. That can't be good.

Reconnect him.


How?

Offer him something.


Like?

You.

No.

Not even in exchange for your life?


No.

Don't you think Jaimin would want you to do anything you could to keep yourself alive?


I don't know... No. Not that.

I think you're wrong. 


No.


You'd do it for him.


That's different.

Losing you will kill him.


He's strong.

He'll blame himself.


I know that!

He might take it anyway.


He's moving...

He takes a deep breath and reaches down to brush his thumb across my lip. "Do you know how long it's been since I've touched someone, Claire?"

Oh no... 


His fingers shake as he moves them slowly down my neck. "Do you?"

"No... Leal, please... "

"It's about time!" Nadine sneers from beside the bed, "You don't mind if I watch, do you?"

"Get. Out."

"Not a chance, lover boy."

"Do what I say or I'll finish what he started."

I follow his eyes to her throat and see the bruises starting to form. I don't have the slightest question who he is.

"Don't threaten me, asshole. I'm the one with the knife."

"Give it your best shot. You'll only get one."

Knife or not, she leaves the room. She knows he's...

Don't, Claire. 


His attention is back on me as soon as she's gone. "Do you know how long it's been since I've felt a woman's touch?"

I shake my head and watch him reach above me to run his fingers over mine and grip my hands in his. "One of the few things you ever let me do... hold your delicate hands. Touch me back, Claire... just acknowledge that you feel me."

"I don't. I can't feel my hands. They're numb... "

His eyes turn sad as he straddles me and starts to untie me. "I'm sorry. We don't need this anymore. You won't try to run... because that would make me angry... and you don't want to do that, do you?"

"No."

"Good." He finishes unwrapping the rope from around my wrists and pulls my arms down, holding my hands in his again, massaging them gently. "There. How's that? Better?"

Be nice.

"Yes. Thank you."

"How's your head?"

"It hurts."

"I don't want to hurt you, Claire. I never wanted to hurt you... You know that, don't you? Just don't make me angry, and everything will be okay. I promise. You trust me don't you?"

No...

Lie!


He won't believe me.

Make him believe you! This isn't Jaimin... Lie, Claire.


"Yes, but... "

But? What are you doing?


"But what?"

"It's not just you. If she wasn't here... but she is... "

"I told you not to worry about her."

"I know, but... "

He puts his finger to my lips to silence me, and smiles at me, leaning low over me. "She's afraid of me. She thinks I'm crazy."

You are...

"Why is it so quiet in here? Not that I'm surprised... she probably put you to sleep. Oh... or not. Typical man... Want me to show her how to do that? I... WHY THE FUCK IS SHE UNTIED?"

"I told you to get out."

"Play time is over. It's not my problem if she couldn't get you aroused. My turn."

"GET. OUT!"

"No. No more games. I want her!"

"You can't have her!"

"Apparently, the only one who can't is you. Because you're not man enough. It's a good thing you didn't whip it out... she probably would have just laughed at you. I doubt you compare to what she has at home. Isn't that right, Claire? Tell him. Tell him he could never measure up. Tell him he's not a man."

"Is that what you think, Claire?"

She's getting in his head.


"No. Of course not."

"Now she's just lying to you because she's scared."

"Are you lying to me?"

"No. Please stop listening to her. I don't make comparisons of any kind. You're different people. And as far as that, I don't have knowledge of either of you."

"You lying little bitch!"

He hasn't moved off of me yet, or let go of my hands, but now he cups my chin and glares at me. "Don't talk to me like I'm an idiot, Claire. You spend the night with him every night."

"I'm not... That's true."

"You were moving in with him."

"Yes."

"And you expect me to believe he hasn't had you?"

He is not Jaimin! Interpretation is not important!


"Yes I do, because that's the truth."

"She's lying! That's not even possible!"

He looks at me intently, and a smile starts to form itself on his lips. "Of course it's possible. I waited. A man knows when something is worth it. He knows. She's not lying. My girl is still sweet."

My girl?

He's happy. Happy is good. We can handle happy. Let him call you whatever he wants.


"How nauseating. Maybe she'll bleed pink for you. Now, tie her back up and get off."


"Go home, Nadine."

"WHAT?"

"You heard me. Get out of here."

"I'm not going anywhere! I helped you get her here! That asshole choked the shit out of me because of you! I risked everything to get what I want and I'm getting it!

I don't even care if she's not tied... leave her... let her fight... it'll just make it more fun when I cut her up. Now get off of her and move away! You can have what's left of her when I'm done, since you're not man enough to take it from her now."

"You're not going to touch her. Walk away, Nadine. While you still can."

"You'd have to leave her to do something to me. Then she'd get away. Because you untied her. You're nuts, but not that nuts. You want her too much. You'll let me do what I want before you let her leave you again. And everyone in this room knows it."

She takes a step towards the bed, the knife extended in her hand, and I feel his body stiffen on top of me. His eyes are locked on her, but he speaks to me. "Claire... I'm going to get up now. And you're going to stay right where you are. You can sit up if you want to. In fact, I'd like you to. But nothing more. Do you understand me?"

"Yes."

"And, baby?"

Let it go. Just answer him.


"Yes?"

"If she hurts me... RUN."

He climbs off of me, never taking his eyes off of her, and reaches for my hand one more time. I give it to him, and squeeze gently. He stills for a brief second and lets go. I scramble to sit up, my head feeling like it weighs a thousand pounds, and I teeter sideways as the whole room spins around me. I really hope I don't have to run...

Don't get too attached to that thought.


I watch her move closer, the temptation to hurt me stronger than her fear of his crazy. His body shifts with her movement. It's clear this time. Protective. He won't let her hurt me.

"Take one more step and it will be your last."

"There's no going back now, Leal. What do you think? You think you're going to walk out of here with her? You think she's sitting there willingly because she wants you? The only reason she's here is because you knocked her unconscious and took her. The only reason she isn't trying to run is because she's more afraid of me right now than she is of you. Because she manipulated you into protecting her from me. She's stupid enough to think you can. But you can't. I'll kill you. Then she'll be all mine. You told her to run... but she can barely sit up. Because you hurt her. She won't get away. And she won't be kept here out of love. As delusional as yours for her is... My hatred for her is stronger than anything you feel. And she'll feel every bit of it. While you lay dead. Every ounce of pain she feels... every moment of fear... every second of unbearable torture... until her death, she'll blame you for. She knows it now. She hates you. She hates you for taking her from him. And she hates you for letting me have her. You're going to die for her. Because you love her. And she hates you."

"You don't have her, Nadine. You want her, but you'll never have her. Only one of us is going to die. It won't be her, and it won't be me. Not by your hand. You'll finally get to take something from her. Just like you've always wanted. Because you're right... there's no going back now. It's too late. Only one of us will walk out of here. Come on, Nadine... You want her so bad you can taste her... What are you waiting for? She's right there... right behind me... make your last move."

He's going to kill her. She knows it. I can see it in her eyes. Her eyes that are looking only at me. She's going to die and her hatred for me will be what kills her. The hatred that has consumed her. This person whom I don't recognize. This person who once was my best friend. She's ill. I should have seen it. I overlooked the signs. I was too selfish to see. Too selfish to care. I knew she was jealous. I knew she wanted what I had. I knew she'd tried to take from me. But it didn't matter. Because I knew she couldn't. It was easy to be her friend... because I didn't give that much. I never gave very much. To anyone. And they all loved me anyway. Even her. She didn't always hate me. I know that. She knows that. But it doesn't matter now.

No... there's no going back. It's much, much too late for that.

I'm going to watch her die.

And I'm not afraid.

I feel nothing for the life that will end before my eyes.

No sorrow.

No sadness.

Only joy.

That it's hers and not mine.

For now...

I'm selfish.

It's what I've always been.

It's what I am.

Those who try to take from me get hurt.

Let them hurt.

Hurt...

Pain.

It happened so fast...

She lunged for me...

He grabbed her...

Spun her away from me...

Her arm flailing wildly...

The knife seeking purchase in her hand...

As she crashed down at my feet...

I was in the way...

I kicked out...

Instinct...

Stupid...

I didn't need to.

He had it under control.

Pain.

I kicked straight into the blade.

I screamed.

Blood.

A growl from deep in his chest. He pulled it out.

Blood poured.

A lot of blood.

She laughed. Maniacally.

At my blood.


The laughter stops...

The knife now stuck in her chest.

Her eyes are wide.

Her mouth open.

Gasping for air.

Gurgling.

My name.

Then nothing.

Only her blood.

And my cold, unfeeling, selfish heart.

And Leal. Who looks... calm.

He picks me up and carries me from the room, into the living room and onto the couch. He takes his shirt off and wraps it tightly around my foot, trying to stop the bleeding.

"I'm sorry, Claire. I didn't mean for you to get hurt. Nothing like that was supposed to happen... "

I look at him, but say nothing.

"You don't believe me."

Thunder cracks loud in the distance, as if to answer for me. Within seconds, the rain comes. I hear it on the roof. Against the windows. Pounding, drenching everything in it's path.

We're not alone.


I know.


                                                ~


It's storming. Hard. It came out of nowhere. I turn the wipers on the highest speed, but it's still not enough to give me a clear view of the street. I can't see a damn thing.

Nothing will ever be clear without her.

Where is she?


I've been driving for hours... Looking. For anything. Any sign. Any trace of her. But nothing.

Where the hell did he take her?

I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know where to look. I don't know where she could be. I don't know how to find her.

I'm lost.

Lost without her.

But I will find her.

I won't stop looking until I have her in my arms. If she'll let me...


God, Claire... where are you?



I'm so damn tired.

Exhausted.

Frustrated.

I'm driving in circles.

Accomplishing nothing.

She's out there somewhere...

Scared. Maybe hurt. Maybe worse...

And I'm driving around aimlessly in the rain.

I can't go home.

Not without her.

I can't feel anything but pain.

I never knew anything could hurt this much.

I've never felt so helpless.

I just want to feel something... anything but this pain.

I pull over and get out of my truck. I let the rain pummel me. I want it to numb the pain, but it only makes me think of her.

Claire likes the rain.

Can she see it?

Can she hear it?

Is this for her?

Did they send it?

To comfort her?

To wash away her ... what? Fear? Pain?

Does she need it now? The last time...

The chest. The letter. Nadine. Her mother.

Her mother.


That's...

Why didn't I think of it sooner? Why did I waste so much time?

I jump back in the truck, soaked to the bone, and dial Loring again. He answers on the first ring, speaking before I can say anything, "Why don't you get some sleep... I'll call you if there's anything... "

"Her parents' house!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Claire's parents. We've been looking at this wrong. It's not where your brother would take her... They did this together... Nadine wants to hurt her... The house is empty... Claire hasn't dealt with the estate... She doesn't want any part of it... Nadine would know that would torment her... to take her there... That's where they took her. That's where she is!"

"Maybe... Look, I'll check it out and... "

"You're delusional if you think I'm going to sit and wait."

"Where are you?"

"Driving."

"Do not go in that house! You wait for me!"

"She's waited long enough."


                                                 ~


"You think I wanted to hurt you? You think I would have let her? I protected you. It just went wrong."

"I know."

"She can't hurt you now."

"I know. But you can," I whisper.

"You're afraid of me?"

"Yes."

What the hell are you doing?


I don't know.

"You think I'm going to hurt you?"

"I... You said only one of us would walk out of here... "

"Yes, Claire. You."

"Me?"

"Well... you may have to be carried, but of course you. And soon, I promise. You need to get to a hospital... There's just a few things I need from you first."

No... please...

He reaches up to stroke my cheek and a shiver of fear runs through me. No...

"Don't misunderstand. I'm not going to hurt you. I'm not going to take anything from you. You've hurt enough. Far too much. Too much has been taken from you... "

I watch him get up and move across the room. He picks up my sweatshirt from behind a chair and walks back to me. "I know you're not mine. You belong to someone else." He looks at it in his hand and sighs. "Seeing you wear something of his... it made me so jealous... " He slips it carefully over my head, trying not to hurt me. He runs his fingers over the fading bruises on my arm and lets them fall, and I slip my hands through the sleeves. "Why did he hurt you? I need to know, Claire... I know he's what you want, but how can I let him have you back if he hurts you?"

"He didn't mean to. It wasn't like that. It was a misunderstanding... I acted like a brat... threw a tantrum... because I was confused... I tried to leave... He was just trying to hold on... Maybe you could understand that? I think you can."

Be careful. Don't push him too much.


His eyes are sad as he looks at me. He understands. "You love him?"

I don't know if you should...


"Yes, I do."

"I knew that already... Then stop running, Claire. We can be desperate, possessive creatures... when we can't bear to lose something. I lost you that way. It almost destroyed us both... I'm sorry...

But everything's going to be okay now. Don't let him hurt you. Stop being a brat... I know you well enough. Keep your little tantrum-throwing feet in place. I think you'll get your way if you do. How could he resist you?"

"You'd be surprised."

"A man still has to be a man. You need someone strong enough to be able to tell you no. Protect you in spite of what you want or think you need. That face of yours makes most men weak. I think you found someone strong enough. You're willing to listen. You're willing to give. That's how I knew I'd really lost you. I just couldn't accept it...

I'm sorry I did this. I just love you so much... too much... But I'm going to make it right for you now. Can I just ask for one more thing?"

Please not too much... "Okay."

He gets up and walks out of the room, heading towards the kitchen. When he comes back through the doorway, he has a knife in his hand. "Don't be scared. I won't hurt you." He walks back to me slowly, and sets it down on the coffee table and sits down on the edge of the couch, just in front of where my foot is propped on a pillow, soaking it with blood. He pulls his phone from the pocket of his jeans and hands it to me. "You have control, Claire. Call him... tell him where you are. I won't stop you. But can you do one thing for me? I know you don't owe it to me... I know I don't deserve it... but I'm asking... Can I just hold you? Just for a moment? Just feel you in my arms? One last time? Please?"

I look at his phone in my hand, and back to his face. His eyes are gentle now. Pleading. Is it too much? I don't know. Anything feels like too much. He's not Jaimin... He's the only one I want to hold me. It would betray him to say yes.

It's a small thing. Much less than what you thought he wanted.

He looks so sweet right now. Like the Leal he used to be. The man I cared for. The man that was gentle, and patient... before he started to change. Before he started to need too much. Before he got so possessive... He took my air away. He suffocated me. I couldn't breathe.

He really doesn't look crazy right now. 

But what's the knife for?

My eyes flit to it, I'm unable to stop myself. He touches my hand that holds his phone in a death grip. "You can make the call first. If you don't trust me. I know you don't understand. But I promise you... it's not there for you."

Not for me? "I'd rather you hurt me than him."

"No, baby... that's not what I meant. I won't do that to you. I'll never hurt you again, Claire. I guess you can't give me what I asked for... I deserve that."

"I'm not punishing you. That's not why. It just... "

"You love him too much."

I nod and a sad smile forms on his lips. "He's a very lucky man."

"I'm a pain in the ass."

"I know. Part of your charm. Call him. It's okay."

Something in his eyes...

I know what it's for now... "In a minute," I whisper softly, lightly touching his face.

He closes his eyes for a moment, leaning into my hand. "Thank you, Claire."

"Leal... "

"Just be happy. It's okay to let someone love you. I'm sorry I wasn't worthy. I wish... "

He lets his words trail off as the unmistakable sound of screeching tires fills the air. A door slams outside.

His body starts to tremble.

More screeching. Then another door. I lose count of how many...

I didn't need to call.

"Please forgive me," he whispers, and leans forward and kisses me softly on the top of my head.

I hear the pounding of footsteps on the wooden stairs. They're almost here.

He pulls me into his arms as the door flies open. "Don't be afraid," he whispers again, and reaches for the knife.

Jaimin's face is the first I see.

Relief. I'm alive.

Joy. He found me.


Pain. I'm hurt.


Confusion. The phone in my hand. Unused. His arms around me.


Jealousy. No, my love... don't...


Fear. The knife now against my throat.


Loring has his gun drawn. Pointed at his little brother.

So does his partner.

And others...

No... I can't let this happen. I won't let him do it. "He won't hurt me."

"Put it down, Leal. Drop it and let her go."

They're spreading through the house. From room to room. Looking for her. I know when they've found her.

Voices. Movement. Too many guns pointed at him...

"He was protecting me. She would have killed me. He had no choice.... "

He murmurs into my ear, "Shhhh... it's okay, baby."

"No. It's not okay... Don't do this...

Loring... Please... He won't hurt me... Don't you see what he's doing? You can't... "

"It's his choice, Claire."

"No. He's confused... He's lost... He needs help. You're his brother... You love him... "

"He knows that. He has to let you go. I can't help him if he doesn't let you go."

"Let go, Leal... please?" I plead.

"I can't."

"Yes you can. You said you wouldn't hurt me."

"I won't."

Jaimin starts walking slowly forward, "You will. Don't you see that? Look at her. You're hurting her now. You said she was selfish... But look at her... Listen to her... She cares for you. She's trying to save you. From them. From yourself. Because she cares. Doesn't that mean anything to you?

She told me you'd never hurt her. She believed that. She believed that you loved her. Loved her enough not to hurt her.

Don't be selfish, Leal. Don't do it to her. Don't do it to your brother.

Let her go. Give her to me. She's hurt enough. More than enough. Don't hurt her more. Love her enough."

"Don't take another step. You already have her. I just wanted to hold her... she wouldn't let me, because of you. But I'm holding her now... and you don't get to take her out of my arms. I won't let go. Not while I'm alive."

"You took something she didn't want to give you. You shouldn't have done that. But you have the chance to make up for it now. She asked you to let go."

"I can't. I won't live without her. You love her. And now you know what it feels like to lose her. You wouldn't let go. You hurt her too. You're no better than me. You're just the one she wants."

"You're right, I'm not. I'm not better. I'm not worthy of her either. But I do love her. And I don't want to see her hurt. You think it's easy for me to stand here and talk to you while you hold her? While you have a knife at her throat? You took her from me. You hurt her so you could take her. She's not here because she wants to be. She didn't have a choice. You took it away from her. You're still taking it.

That's the difference between you and me. Not that I'm good enough for her. I know I'm not. But she thinks I am. It's what she wants. She chose. If I was a good man, I'd walk out of her life. Because she deserves better. But I'm not. She doesn't want better. And as long as she wants me, I won't let her go. Because I'm selfish enough to take what she wants to give me. And because it would hurt her if I wasn't, no matter how wrong that is.

Let her go. You'll hurt her if you don't. Don't be that selfish."

"I can't. I did it once. I can't do it again."

"Look what you did to her. Look what you put her through. And look what she did for you. She tried to protect you. She doesn't want you to hurt. She's asking you not to hurt her.

I'm asking you not to hurt her, Leal. I want nothing more than to kill you right now... nothing more, except her. Her happy. You dead won't make her happy. I'll put her first. Because I love her enough. Do you?"

"Don't question my feelings for her! You don't know me!"

Loring's voice is stern, "Jaimin, back off. It's too late."

He's right. He can't be reasoned with. And I can't be selfless anymore. Not for him.

"Let me go. You don't get to do this. Not to me. Not for me." I try to pry his arms from around me, try to break free, the knife at my throat invisible in my mind.

Three voices. All at once. Two that want to protect me. One that just wants. The same words. "Don't, Claire."

"No... Let go! You don't want to live? Then don't live! Give up! Be weak! But you don't get to put that on me! I tried to care... just like before, but just like then, I'm done! I gave enough! You can't have any more from me! I'm selfish, remember? You can't guilt me. It's not my fault. I didn't do this to you. You did it to yourself. And I just don't care enough! You want them to shoot you? Fine. Make your move! Don't be a coward! You want your blood on me? You think that will mean something to me? Well, it won't. I'll wash it off and move on. Because that's who I am. So do something! Do it now and stop wasting my time! I'm tired of this shit! My head hurts and my foot hurts and it's your fault! I feel sick because your hands are on me! Who the hell do you think you are? You're not worthy of me! NOW DO SOMETHING OR LET ME GO!"

My struggle to break free suddenly becomes easy as the knife drops and his arms go slack. I scramble away from him and to my feet, but fall to the floor, the dizziness and pain too much. There's hurried movement all around me. Jaimin is there instantly to whisk me into his arms and away as they converge on him.

"You're wet," I say quietly into his neck.

"You're brave," he says quietly back, "but I should beat your ass for what you just did."

"As you see fit," I whisper, as the rain pelts my face. "I knew you'd find me."

A gunshot explodes behind us, the sound deafening, piercing the air and my pounding head. It's over. He was just too weak.

I don't feel bad. I can't. That kind of weakness makes me sick. One more person in my life that wasn't strong enough. The last one.

Weakness doesn't surround me now. Jaimin isn't weak. He's strong. And he found me. He's here. His strong arms are around me and I'm safe again. I don't have to fight anymore. I don't have to be strong now. He'll do it for me. I snuggle against him, and close my eyes. I don't need to see. He'll be there when I open them again. I know he will.

His hold on me tightens as the paramedics try to take me from him. "Sir, you have to let go. Let us take care of her."

"It's okay... " I murmur, "You can let go... just this once."