"Claire? Hello? Have you heard a word I’ve said?"
"Tell me everything!" was all she said.
I replayed the events of my day to my dearest friend, and my morning’s surprises. I found myself repeating the same words over and over: "I don’t know how to explain it…" but each time she would just smile an absurd smile, or giggle like a schoolgirl.
I attempted several times to move on to business, but she wasn’t having any of that. I probably would have failed miserably anyway, I can’t keep my mind from running back to that kiss. Again, and again… No one has ever kissed me like that before. I thought I’d been kissed passionately, I’ve felt passion before… but this… this was different. The way his hands felt on my face, holding me desperately to him. His mouth… my God, his mouth. He assaulted me with that mouth, there’s no other way to describe it. And it was so…
Her laugh snaps me out of my reverie. Damn her.
"You may not know how to explain it, Claire, but I do."
I sigh, knowing what’s coming will be some romantic notion of love at first sight or something just as ridiculous.
"You’re in love."
Aaaaaand, there it is. I roll my eyes at my head-in-the-clouds friend. "Don’t be ridiculous, Nadine."
"I knew you were going to say that," she says.
"Just as I knew you were going to say that."
"It’s true. You are."
"No, I’m not. No one falls in love in a day. It isn’t possible. You have to know someone to love them. I don’t know him. You have to spend time…"
She cuts me off, "You spent the whole day with him. You blew off our meeting. You spent the night with him. I know you, Claire. That is a big deal. I know you’ve never believed in such things. You woke up yesterday morning expecting to have a normal day, according to your tediously thought out plans, I’m sure. Well, let me tell you something. Life is full of surprises. You’ve managed to have control of your life for a long time. You were long overdue for something unexpected. Now it’s happened. Don’t try to rationalize it into something it isn’t. Your day didn’t go according to your plan. You fell in love. No one plans love, Claire. It just happens. It finds you when you least expect it. Don’t try to make sense of it. Just enjoy it. Live it. Give up control. I promise you it doesn’t hurt."
"I don’t take that word lightly. You know that."
"Yes, I do know that. And you know that I don’t take fate lightly."
"And you know me well enough to know that I don’t believe in fate. Our lives are the product of the choices we make, the way we live, the work we do. I know we can’t control everything. We can’t control death, we don’t get to choose it. Well, we’re not supposed to…" my voice trails off as a wave of pain washes over me. She waits. She gives me time. She knows. I just need a minute…
I take a deep breath, and look at my friend. We’re so different, she and I. Sometimes it seems impossible that we could have such a close friendship, but it works. We balance each other. "That’s just not the way I see the world. Meeting Jaimin on the street yesterday was coincidence, not fate. It’s easily explained. We were in the same place at the same time."
"You’re rationalizing."
I ignore her, and continue "A day hardly constitutes time. I admit that I’m out of my element here. I don’t deny that I feel something, or that it’s something I can’t explain. I don’t deny that my actions yesterday were reckless and irresponsible. And yes, I spent the night with him, but don’t make it sound like anything it wasn’t. It was innocent."
"I didn’t mean to imply otherwise, Claire, I’m sorry. I’m just happy for you. Excited. It’s nice to see you let your hair down. It’s nice to see a light in your eyes that came from something other than art. I don’t want you to talk yourself out of anything because you don’t understand it. You were glowing when you walked in here, but it’s already fading. You want it to make sense, I get that. It’s who you are, how you think… but it doesn’t mean there isn’t another way to see the world. I’m not asking you to change, I love you just the way you are. I only want you to keep your eyes and your heart open. Life unscheduled can be a wonderful thing."
I’m considering her words when I hear my phone. I’ve never been so excited by that sound. I want it to be him. I really, really want it to be him. God, when did I get so pathetic?
Yesterday.
Oh goody, she’s back. Who asked you?
I ignore the snickering that only I can hear, and check my message. Seeing that it is, in fact, from him fills me with joy.
J: So, it would seem that a smile on my face is an unfamiliar sight to my staff. I don’t believe that to be true, but they’re quite enjoying themselves, in any case. I blame you.
I can’t help but giggle, and quickly type my reply.
C: Ever so arrogant. You hold me responsible for far too much. Broken dishes that couldn’t possibly have been my fault-as my ‘collection’, as you referred to it, is without a crack. Now a smile, apparently foreign to your features? Man up.
His reply is immediate.
J: Say that to my face, oh adorable one.
Oh!
His next text arrives before I can form a coherent thought.
J: I had briefly considered that I had been a bit too unrestrained with you this morning… I no longer have such thoughts. This pleases me.
He thought what? How could he?
He’s too fast for me.
J: And I assure you, you are absolutely responsible. The dishes were broken by me, but only because I was infuriated by you. That makes it your fault. As for the smile, which is widening by the moment, it’s all you. Thank you. How is your day, beautiful?
I can’t even see him, and he still has the power to turn me to mush. Nadine is a captive audience, and unabashedly happy. I’m never going to hear the end of this.
How to reply?
C: You’re very welcome. And my day is quite wonderful so far. That is all you, but don’t let it go to your already swollen head. May I presume that your widening smile is an indication that your day is pleasant?
His reply takes longer this time.
J: You may. As for your other remark… it’s all I can do to remember my manners.
Hmmmm… I wonder… although I probably shouldn’t, I decide to bait him with my next reply.
C: Your manners seem to come and go. They’re as lovely in their absence as they are when present.
I don’t wait for him to respond as I type my next message.
C: ‘My other remark’? I’m not sure I know what you’re referring to. Hmmm… let me think… ’swollen’, perhaps?
This is so unlike me, but I’m enjoying myself. I hope he doesn’t misinterpret my playfulness. What’s taking him so long? Speak of the devil…
J: Be careful, Claire. I know where you live. I wouldn’t want you to regret sharing that information so soon. Behave.
Oh! Careful is starting to feel foreign to me. And boring. I can’t resist.
C: Regret? Well, if I were at home, I would be running to UNLOCK the door. As for careful… if I were careful, we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now.
His response is again immediate. And it makes my heart pound.
J: WHERE ARE YOU?
Uh oh. Suddenly I don’t feel so brave. Jouissance is less than two blocks from here…
My, he’s impatient.
J: ANSWER ME.
I decide to continue with playful.
C: You told me to be careful.
He’s quick.
J: I changed my mind.
Really quick, and getting more impatient.
J: CLAIRE.
Well, I suppose I made my bed...
C: I’m at the gallery. I know I said I’d be working at home, but Nadine asked me to come in. I couldn’t very well refuse her after yesterday.
After this morning’s revelation, we realized we’d spent almost an entire day and night talking without ever getting around to our respective careers. He reacted in a way I couldn’t quite read when I told him of my painting, and the time I put in at the gallery. Perhaps it was just the knowledge of how close I had really been.
Mr. Manners is back.
J: I’m more than happy, and not too arrogant, to take full responsibility for that. Are you hungry?
I know he’s a chef, and his restaurant is close, but his question in all it’s simplicity melts me. I know there is pure sweetness behind it.
C: Are you offering to feed me?
J: Anything you want, and a peace offering for Nadine, to make up for yesterday.
I decide to take another stab at playful, a bit in defiance at my mushy insides.
C: You’ve added indulgent delivery to your services?
Mr. Arrogant is back.
J: NOT A CHANCE IN HELL.
Maybe the sweet, flirtatious approach.
C: Not even for me? I know you can’t see me, but I’m batting my eyelashes and pouting at you.
J: I’m sure it’s adorable. I’d like to see it. You should come and show me. I’ve got something for your pouty mouth.
Nadine breaks her silence before I can reply, "I don’t know what he said, but red looks good on you." She is beaming at me.
"That’s good to know, because he’s seen a lot of it." I give her an exasperated look, then add, "We’ve been invited to lunch. Hungry?"
"Famished," she answers with a sly grin.
I’m pretty sure what she’s famished for is to see us together. I think before I say yes, I’ll toy with him just a bit more.
C: As tempting as that is, I was really hoping for delivery. I thought you’d make an exception for me. It’s rather heartbreaking to learn that I’m not worth it. Perhaps I misunderstood a few things. I should really get back to work now. Enjoy the rest of your day.
I hit send, wishing I could see his face when he reads it. Grabbing my jacket from the back of my chair, I stand and ask Nadine "Ready?"
She’s already purse in hand, waiting. We’re nearly to the door when he bursts through it, his phone clenched in his hand. Uh oh.
"Is this supposed to be funny?" he asks, with what sounds like anger, but looks like hurt.
Oh, that wasn’t my intention at all. What have I done?
"Do you think this, you, are some kind of game to me?"
I shake my head. I’m afraid if I open my mouth, I’ll just make it worse.
He’s just looking at me. I can’t tell what he’s thinking. His brows crease together. I’m starting to recognize his expressions. I want to kiss it away, like last night, but I don’t move.
He takes a deep breath, appearing to try to calm himself. He looks briefly to Nadine, then back to me. "Where are you going?"
No more games. "I was coming to you."
His face instantly changes. He gives me the most beautiful, innocent smile. "You were?"
"Yes. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I was just teasing… I went too far. I feel terrible. I really am sorry."
He comes to stand just in front of me, and lifts my chin, so that I am looking up at him, "I may have overreacted. I don’t want you to feel terrible." Touching my bottom lip with his thumb, he adds "I don’t ever want to see this pretty little lip pouting from sadness."
"Forgive me?" I ask sweetly.
"There’s nothing to forgive. Still coming? Are you actually going to grace us with your presence?"
"If we’re still invited. And, I have dined there many times, for your information."
"Of course you’re still invited. In fact, I insist. Many times? That is new information to me. My staff knows you… certainly they would have mentioned it to me if the source of my weekly tantrum were dining in."
I laugh, I can’t help it. "I come in every Monday morning to pick up my order. Haven’t you ever considered why you’ve never managed to catch me? I knew you wanted to, they’ve told me. It amuses them, that’s why they help me." His eyes narrow, I know he’s getting irritated, but I continue. "They distract you, and help me get in and out before you can come and ring my neck. If they go to this much trouble, why would they tell you when I’m dining in and give you the chance to poison me? It would spoil their fun."
I can’t control the giggles, and Nadine, who is fully aware of all of it, is laughing with me. He really doesn’t look amused.
He lets out an exasperated sigh and shakes his head. "I did want to ring your neck."
"I know. But you still gave me what I wanted. I always got my way, in the end. And as for my collection of your plates? You have only yourself to blame for that. It isn’t my fault that you’re too pompous to put your delicacies in a box."
One would think I had slapped him by the expression on his face. God, he’s so arrogant. It just makes me laugh harder. I don’t want him to have a chance to form his response, so I feign impatience. "I’m hungry. Can we go now? I want to be indulged."
At this he laughs, but now he’s determined to not give me my way. "Some things are worth waiting for." He looks at me intently, then his gaze travels around us. "Some of your work is here, right? Show me something."
Nadine speaks up now, "Actually, you’re quite familiar with Claire’s painting. In fact, you own several. It’s an impressive collection you’ve built."
We both look at her, stunned, and ask a simultaneous "What?"
She smiles a knowing smile at us, it’s clear to me what she’s thinking. Fate has returned to the forefront of her mind. She looks straight at Jaimin, and says "I’ve often wondered where you put them all. And to clarify, everything you’ve purchased here was hers."
I look at him now, he’s frozen in place, his eyes closed. I reach out and touch his hand, he takes it firmly in his, and whispers "You were right here. You were there. You were all around me. So much wasted time…"
His voice trails off, and he pulls me into his arms. Maybe Nadine was right. The world suddenly looks very different to me. It’s just too much. Not even I can deny that. I can’t reason or rationalize it. I don’t even need it to make sense.
He pulls back slightly, and places a gentle kiss on my forehead. "Come on, let me feed you."
Everyone turns to look when we walk in, smiles spreading across their faces. I wonder how much they know. I’m sure he announced that there would be no more ‘to go’ orders, probably his greeting this morning. He’s that cocky. Maybe they figured out the reason for his smile. He must have stormed out of here like a bat out of hell, they seem to have been anxiously awaiting his return.
He seats Nadine and I at a table, and as he walks towards the kitchen, mutters "Traitors." They all burst into laughter.
Is she ever going to stop looking at me like that? She looks like the cat that swallowed the canary. "I can honestly say that the two of you are the cutest thing I have ever seen. He is crazy about you. You’re good for him, and his ego."
"Maybe, if I can keep my foot out of my mouth. I went too far today."
"You were just having fun, Claire. You unknowingly hit a sensitive spot for him, the place where he holds you. It just proves that his feelings for you are deeper than you understand. He felt something for you before he even met you. Now that he has, those emotions have exploded inside of him. Don’t you see how vulnerable he is? You can hurt him. You can take it all away."
She stops, smiling at something behind me. I’m sure it’s him, and within seconds I feel his hand on my hair as he sets a plate between us. It’s a lovely spread of bruschetta with asparagus and tomatoes, and cheese stuffed mushrooms. I’m sure he’s added his touch of heaven to both.
He drops down beside me, looks up at my face, and wiggles his brows and asks "Chosen your indulgence yet?"
I’m thinking of Nadine’s last words as I look at his beautiful face. I know this is a strong man I’m looking at, confident and proud, but I see the vulnerability she spoke of. He doesn’t hide it from me. I shake my head, and say quietly "No, you choose. Surprise me."
He raises a single brow this time, as he asks "Are you still afraid I might poison you?"
I smile and try to make up for my earlier offense. "No, that’s no longer a concern. I rather believe that I’m far too important to you for that." In any other context, my words would be assuming, but I know that he won’t take them that way. The smile he gives me in return is worth a thousand words.
Nadine gives him her order, and as he stands I add "I do have one request."
"Anything."
"If you’re not too busy… I’d love it if you could join us?"
He doesn’t answer, only winks at me, and with another stroke of my hair, walks away.
I’m mush.
Nadine is laughing at me. "Well, perhaps the balance of power has shifted a bit. You, my dear, need to work on your poker face."
We’re enjoying our lunch, he prepared me a wonderful Halibut Provencal, and discussing his collection of my paintings. "Where are they?" I ask. "I didn’t see anything in your apartment."
"Different places. Some are there. They’re in my bedroom, that’s why you didn’t see them. I have two in my office here, I’ll show you when we’re finished if you like. As for the rest… I have a vineyard, they’re hung in the house there. I’m hoping to show you everything. In time, of course, if you’ll allow me."
"I’d like that."
"So would I."
Nadine clears her throat and says, with a shameless grin, "Actually, I can see to it that she’s free for the rest of the day if you’ve got something to show her."
"Nadine!" I gasp, but he is laughing. He winks at me again, and I forget my shock, and most everything else… How does he do that?
They are getting along well. I know they’ve met several times, but that was business. This isn’t, and it’s obvious she’s not immune to his charms. Is anyone? I bet women throw themselves at him. Shameless women, with offers of…
I’m suddenly feeling a pang of jealousy at the thought. It’s irrational, but I can’t help it. I don’t like this feeling. I don’t remember ever experiencing this before. No, I’m sure I haven’t. I’d remember this. I definitely don’t like it. Do I even have the right to feel this way?
I feel him squeeze my hand as he whispers "What’s wrong?"
"What? Nothing."
"Then why are you pouting?"
"I didn’t know I was."
"Well, you were. Please tell me what’s wrong."
"Nothing."
"You’re lying to me. Don’t do that."
"I’m not. I promise, it’s nothing. I was just thinking… it’s not important." I smile sweetly at him, hoping he’ll let it go. I’m sure as hell not going to tell him.
He doesn’t look convinced, but he doesn’t ask me again. He motions to someone across the restaurant, and a moment later we are presented with Petits Pots de Creme topped with raspberries. We try to protest, but he doesn’t play fair.
"You’ll hurt my feelings."
Once today is enough for me, so I dig in. Nadine already had her spoon in hand while she was pretending to say no. Who does she think she’s fooling? I know about the stash of sweets she hides in her desk. Like everything else, it’s heaven.
After a few minutes of filling my arrogant chef’s head with shameless praise for a wonderful lunch, Nadine stands to go. "I’m going to run an errand, then head back. No rush, Claire, a proper game of show and tell takes time." And with that, she rushes out before I can strangle her.
"You’re blushing."
I try to bury my face in my hands, but he pulls them away. "Don’t do that, I think it’s adorable." He sits watching me for a moment. "Would you like anything else?"
"No, thank you. Everything was perfect. I have been thoroughly indulged."
"Actually, you haven’t." He stands and takes my hand. "Come with me."
I let him lead me. He opens the door to his office, and I step inside. The instant the door closes, I’m up against it, his hands on either side of my head.
"You didn’t think I forgot, did you? I told you I had something for your pouty mouth."
Oh! I think he’s going to give me a replay of our kiss in his kitchen, but he surprises me. He brushes his lips against mine so gently, so softly… every nerve in my body ignites. His lips feel like rose petals, his kisses like feathers. He’s teasing me relentlessly. It’s beyond erotic. I feel his hands in my hair, as his tongue traces my bottom lip. I open my mouth to him, wanting to taste him. I think he’s going to give me what I want, the tip of his tongue briefly slips between my parted lips… but then he is whispering against my mouth "There’s nothing I want more, EXCEPT to know what upset you a few moments ago. Tell me."
What? Is he serious? Now? Crap! I can’t tell him that. I look into his eyes, willing myself to see humor in them, but there isn’t any. "Please? It was nothing. Don’t be cruel. I seem to remember a promise of kindness."
"TELL ME."
He’s serious. His words come back to me… I will never lie to you… he said it more than once. He needs me to answer him. He said I was lying to him… he said don’t do that… oh no. It’s such a stupid thing. Why is it so important to him? It isn’t stupid to him. He thinks I lied to him.
"CLAIRE."
"Okay. If it’s so important to you that I humiliate myself, then I’ll tell you."
"I would never want that."
"Then don’t make me tell you."
He takes my face in his hands, his eyes are heavy with concern. "I don’t know what that means. I only know that something was bothering you. Whatever it was, I don’t see how telling me could humiliate you. You can say anything to me. There is nothing that you can’t tell me. Please, Claire."
I close my eyes, wishing I could disappear. I can’t deny him. He wouldn’t understand. He’d think it was something else… He’s vulnerable… so I’ll be embarrassed, I’ll get over it. "Okay. I was jealous."
He looks completely confused. "Jealous? Jealous of what? Who? At lunch? Sweetheart, I don’t understand."
"That’s because it’s stupid. It was nothing. I tried to tell you that."
"It’s not stupid to me if it’s something you felt. You looked unhappy. I didn’t like that. Tell me. Make me understand. Give me a chance to make it better."
I want to get past this. It’s so ridiculous. It’s in the way… "I was watching and listening to you interact with Nadine. You’ve got her wrapped around your little finger… "
He interrupts me, "Your friend? What could I have possibly said or done to her to make you jealous? I couldn’t keep my eyes off of you… if anything, I was rude to her."
I shake my head. "No, of course not. You didn’t let me finish." He makes a gesture of zipping his mouth shut, it makes me smile, in spite of how embarrassed I feel. "It just made me start thinking… is any woman immune to your charms? I imagined women throwing themselves at you… I didn’t like the thought. It made me jealous. I’ve never felt jealousy before. Not in any relationship, not ever. I didn’t like the way it felt. I guess my face gave me away. That was all. It was stupid. When you asked me what was wrong, I didn’t want to tell you that. Can you understand that? I wasn’t lying to you… not really… I was just too embarrassed to answer."
My head is down, but I know he’s looking at me. He’s quiet, and it makes me feel worse. This isn’t me. I’ve been behaving like a silly little girl. I don’t know why, I’m never like this. It must be so unappealing to him. Maybe he’s already wishing the face on his walls had stayed a dream.
He finally breaks the silence. "Look at me."
I do as I’m told.
"You have nothing to be humiliated or embarrassed about. Absolutely nothing. It isn’t stupid. Certainly not to me. A person doesn’t feel jealousy unless they feel something else. Jealousy is two things, the way I see it: Wanting something someone else has, wanting it badly. Or having something you can’t bear the thought of someone else wanting. It’s an irrational feeling.
I was jealous from the first moment I saw your face. Jealous that someone got to be near you, when I couldn’t. I tried to get information, but all they could tell me was that the artist had passed and that his mother was selling all of his art. And that the girl in the paintings I was purchasing was named Claire, they thought. That’s it. I thought it would be easy to find out more information, I was wrong. God knows I tried.
If there were other images of you, I wanted them. I wanted them all. I couldn’t stand the thought of someone else looking at you. I didn’t even know you. It didn’t matter. I wanted to know you. I didn’t know the story of the paintings, but I was insane with jealousy that this man had known you… had loved you. Maybe I should be embarrassed by that, but I’m not. It’s how I felt. I knew I wouldn’t feel so strongly if you weren’t important. I knew you would be meaningful in my life, I just had to find you.
I never would have stopped looking. I didn’t know what I would do when I found you, how I could prevent scaring the hell out of you. I knew it was probable that you would run screaming… but when you looked at me… it was there in your face. If I was careful, you’d let me explain it to you. That is, if I could get to you before the traffic did."
He makes a horrified expression that makes me laugh, but I don’t say anything. He continues, "You have nothing to be jealous of, Claire. I’m happier than I can say that you feel enough for me to experience that kind of emotion, but it isn’t necessary. There’s no one else. Women do throw themselves at me, quite often. I’m not being cocky, just honest. I told you I’ll never lie to you. I don’t want you to be jealous of that, they aren’t important. They aren’t you. I know how to deal with them. Please trust me to do that. I’ve finally found what I was searching for. If it’s okay with you, I’d like to focus on keeping it. And I’m sorry if I was cruel. Can I try to make it up to you?"
I simply nod my head, and his hands are on my face, his mouth on mine. I cover his hands with my own, needing to feel the way he holds me. His lips are again gentle, his tongue asking for permission. I part my lips for him, letting him give me what I wanted. But it’s so much more than that. His kiss is tender. It’s sweet. It’s vulnerable. It’s words he has yet to speak. It’s questions he has yet to ask. It’s thanks that I’m here with him. It’s promises. It’s perfect. We fit. Our lips, our tongues, our hands… we were made for each other.
I feel dizzy. I don’t know if it’s from our connected mouths, or my newest realization. I feel my legs start to give, thank God I’m against the door.
He feels it. His arm is instantly around me, holding me securely. My hands fall to clutch his shirt. I won’t fall, he won’t let me. He breaks the kiss, and rests his forehead against mine, his other arm wrapping around me.
His voice is a whisper, "I won’t let go, Claire. I won’t ever let go."
